Softball

I have not felt this excited to return to softball in a long time. Without a partner, without training, without being anywhere near peak condition, without eating light and feeling my best, without being anywhere near optimal weight (bloated, nose running, blah), without taking a steamy shower to clear my head and wake up (The Maharaja has his clothes hanging on the shower rod), without knowing which players will be showing up today, without any practice at all since last season, the only positive news or action other than we will hopefully have 10 players who can play (and not have to play too many of the subs who really don't play well) is that I slept and still, the excitement continues to build. Maybe it is because I feel refreshed and woke early enough to listen to some music (Harry Chapin, Bill Evens, Days of the New), as I explored iheart radio (new music and music access excites me). Maybe I just miss softball this much (which is wonderful and precarious). Maybe I am feeling good about yesterday's job interview and more hopeful than ever (which is precarious and dangerous). Maybe I am thinking too much (lol lam naaaaaa, just right).

It is time to dress and head to the fields.

Babble more later.

Narf :)

Writing, Watching, Playing, and a Haircut

Actually, all of them were cut. My hairs, that is. Shorter than any previous cut since my military days. Yes, I was a soldier and not, we won't get into that experience at the moment, forgive me. Other than the haircut, today was watching youtube videos and writing (the babbling blog is flowing if you want to see more... also, way too much pasta for lunch) followed by an evening of dinner and cards at Curly's place. Mindless fun. Less eye contact than usual, for what that observation is worth. I won't judge. I returned here, wrote some more, talked with The Maharaja about space and his avocations and current projects, and now I shall head to bed in the hope of waking tomorrow fully refreshed and positive (and not too food hungover) and ready for the interview. Maybe the hair hang well after the shower.

Hope your time between entries was productive and/or fun to your liking.

Narf.:)

Laundry Takes Time

Four full loads washed, dried, folded, and put away. I did not get the comforter to the big machine at the laundromat (and I am not sure it would survive a regular washing as most comforters, especially old ones, survive much better when dry cleaned), but I sprayed it with Lysol and I only sleep on it, not under it, so it is cleaner. The room smells good and is much better for me now. No emails to respond to today, but one resume did go out during my job search. I am still eating way too much pasta and calories, noting that to remind me that I felt better before I gained back some of the weight I lost and I must return to losing the extra weight. I really need a shower. Hows that for in the moment?

Hope your day was clean and shiny.

Narf :)

Vegetating

Well, not completely. The mind is spinning and processing information, but much of the days are wasted in depressive self-pity with poor me nobody loves me nobody cares songs nobody else hears running through my head and hopeless thoughts about giving up on life and moving into my car because I am tired of the rat race madness and pretentiousness of this human culture and just want to let go, even if that means fading into old age and death. Thing is, I don't want to die because even alone, I enjoy the free time way too much to want it to end. So some days I beat myself up for enjoying the free time too much. I usually eat myself fat those days as well, depending on oral stimulation to be enough to keep me happy and occupied but it never lasts. The gleeful pleasure of food almost always fade and these days, self-loathing can too easily replace the temporary euphoria because they world sees me as a failure and I might lose the car and live on the street if I don't take going back to the rat race seriously.

There, so that was today. Watched TV on the internet. Ate a lot. I decided not to go to play cards tonight. At least I spent no money. I slept a lot. Who cares.

Narf.

Returning to Softball

If I ever seriously consider giving up playing softball, please stop me. It will be a prelude to deciding to die. Simple as that. It is the last vestige of physical activity and so much more to me and I welcomed the game back into daily life tonight with open arms. New players, a couple who were disappointing to see because they are weak and will not help the team, especially one in a very key position, but we won anyway and it was wonderful to be back on the field. This will be the last season I can afford to play if I don't find income, so that realization stressed me, but I will enjoy softball - and life - as long as I can.

Happy happy joy joy.

Narf :)

Good Morning Sunshine

I may not have showered (surely a sign of depression), but I made it to the Commodore's and played games until near midnight. I then headed to Tinman's and played games until after sunrise. The same people as usual, the same games as usual, the same fun as usual. I didn't eat much last night. Just some veggies at the first stop and nothing at the second even though both places had food (pizza, cookies... wait, I did have a few cookies). I ate a couple of bagels with smoked salmon cream cheese when I got home. Stuffed again, naturally.

I think I should sleep now.

Narf. :)

Procrastinate Tomorrow

Stop laughing, it really is not funny. Yet we laugh at the folly anyway because we still have hope the folly is temporary, or something like that. Is madness temporary? Perhaps, when it is a choice. And the laughter continues. Yeah, so I drove across town to get some softball in only for it to start raining, pouring, and cats and dogs were snoring when I got there. So I went to a bagel-deli and splurged on food. Stuffed my face, came home, and vegged. Fell asleep sometime in the afternoon.

Somewhere in the late afternoon, The Commodore texted to motivate me to come by to play games. Since Curly stopped inviting me, I'm glad The Commodore does. On my way, Harpo texted me to remind me that Tinman was having a party tonight. Will I drag myself into a shower and head out the door? Which party will I attend if I do? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting results of the attempted motivation.

Narf. :)

Reflection Ain't All It's Cracked Up To Be

The sequences of entries may seem odd this week, or now and then, as I sometimes babble on for a week without updating this brief blog for any of a number of reasons. Like avoiding the emptiness of daily life, for instance. Or avoiding... didn't we do this yesterday? Right, so today I got a call for an interview, good news, we hope. I got home from playing cards last night pretty late and once again realized I need more diverse and healthier friends, emphasis on the healthier. I wrote to J as I often do these days. Thank you J, for being you and for being there when all others abandon me. It is a precious friend who accepts the babble when it is full of woe is me, aye? Feel free to read the dirt, drama, and details if you really want to know, in case it matters, and all that jazz.

The sun may still come out tomorrow.

Narf. :)

Avoiding Not Avoiding

The key to a happy life is living it, not avoiding it. Even when it hurts, living the pain will leave you happier than avoiding the pain. The simple reason for that is avoiding anything does not make it go away and avoiding usually makes whatever it is you are avoiding worse. So all this philosophizing in this brief daily life blog must stop because it is just avoiding the daily life and that is not facing and fixing what is wrong with the daily life. Avoiding the loneliness just lets the loneliness grow. Avoiding the betrayals just lets the illusion that there was no betrayal remain - prolonging and deepening the pain. Avoiding the diminishing savings and increasing need for income just leads to a desperate situation and the street, as in living on it. Avoiding sucks, so avoid avoiding as much as possible.

Maybe tomorrow.

Narf.

Reaching Out

When the people you depend on pull the rug out from under you when you need them most and simply try to disappear from your life, do you do the same? That might be when they need you most to remind them that they do not want to be so... choose the word - weak, insensitive, unfaithful, disloyal, selfish, cruel... whatever the word, the shoe does fit no matter how well-prepared the denial. My way is not to abandon friends, even when they abandon me, so I continue reaching out even when people avoid me - until they tell me to stop. No matter how much it hurts, it hurts a whole lot more to give up on them.

The good news is I am also looking for other ways of reaching out to strangers in the hope of finding new friends.

That's life. The brief version. You know where to find the details.

Narf.

Back to Routine

Yes, a new year and the holidays are over and it is back to the routine. Job searching, though the state site is down until the 9th, continues. Distracting myself with internet TV continues. Trying to understand and accept people as they are continues. Crossing bridges without burning them is not always an easy task, but it must be done. Some might say some bridges should be burned, but I say that is only if someone intentionally harms. People move on in their lives and leave close friends behind for many reasons.

I set off on this new year alone, again, naturally.

Someday I will find a BFF who is a BFF, maybe I'll even find the one. Until then, I do what I do, help people, give, and share because that's the best feeling I know in life. That is my routine.

Lunch, Babble, and Football

So

Happy New Year and carry on partying. The morning started with a slow sigh as another week of job hunting began, but then Helen texted asking if I wanted to go to lunch and I remembered the work week does not actually start until tomorrow. So we went to lunch at the Wild Rice Buffet, thank you for the treat Helen, and then we ran a couple of errands and I dropped her off and headed back here. On the way home the radio let me know there was a football game on. I realized that I forgot about football, but due to the luck of the calendar this year, the four big bowl games are today and I figured out how to listen to them on my phone. Guess I don't need a radio now that I know how to find radio stations on my iPhone. I also realized that Jackson was my only close football fan friend so I have no one to watch with or even to just text about the game. So I listened to games all alone while babbling most of the day.

I'm really having too much fun for one person, which is why I am sad no one is here to share. :)

Narf :)

Party Anyway.

So I did not feel like going out and interacting with a lot of people who would ask the same old questions and have pity in their eyes but I went out anyway to a couple of parties and ate myself stuffed and had fun with bonfires, fireworks, and games through the evening and night and here we are, ready to fall over and sleep. Live healthy, live wise, live your life your way. Hope you found fun too and may your 2017 roll through with fewer challenges, less pain, more joy, and oodles of happiness. Whatever happens, party anyway :)

Happy New Year.

Narf :)