Where Have You Been?

It's alright we know.... Yes, welcome back my friends, welcome to the machine. A Dell Inspiron N5010 with an i5 CPU M480 @2.67 Ghz with 8Mb RAM, to be precise. Jackson gave it to me. Yes, she is wonderful. She bought herself a Mac. The internet is down at the moment so I hope it comes back later so I can transfer stuff and explore Windows 10. The iPhone 5 that Excel's son gave me is working and offers much more than my old HTC could, yay. Curly lefts me live here rent free. Excel's son gave me a working iPhone 5s. Jackson gave me a working relatively newish laptop. Yes, I am a lucky child of the universe.

I am tired. The heat. The tragedy. The lack of power sources I can tap into. Everyone I know these days is low-energy or negative energy. Even Curly seems down. The body has been strained and drained these last few weeks. The emo has been powerful. All the lonely people. So many hurting. I am who I am, so I am th strong on. It stormed early so the humidity is extremely high. I did a load of laundry, so that didn't help. Life goes on.

Not writing or keeping in touch here does not help, especially since writing is my only source of renewal these days. I am surviving and on some level, thriving because I am giving so much. Today was a good day, challenging as it may have been. Maybe I can sleep now.

A Nap

Maybe two hours sleep today. Running on caffeine and adrenaline. The laptop died again this morning as I was trying to make arrangements with the funeral group for this morning's funeral and also respond to posts and comments left and i look unrealiable and flakey disappearing suddenly without explanation. I asked jackson again if she can give me her old laptop since she bought one two or more weeks ago and she said she will tomorrow night.

Sleepless In Orlando (For A Very Sad Reason)

Sleep just did not come tonight. I have a funeral in a few hours and the stresses (and likely absence of bp medication) has me awake. My mind is disturbed by the unresolved issue of Harpo ranting angrily against religion in the support group I set up got him booted out thirty minutes after he joined and he made it personal with one of the Admins who was only following the guidelines I helped set up (essentially no negativity or attacking anyone's way of coping and while I am no fan of religion, it is a way many cope so he was way out of line and would not stop when asked. In fact he flat out said "I am not going to stop so delete me" in all caps at least a couple of times, maybe more... sigh, the poor guy is hurting and took it out on the Admin who tried to keep peace in the group. I told him that and he was not happy, but hopefully he will think about what I wrote and find a way to apologize if he wants back in - I am leaving that up to him and the group Admin with whom he fought).

Day After Day, Alone at a Funeral

Fourteen funerals so far. I am part of the family of humans and even though i don't know anyone there, we share the pain, the respect, and the love. So sad that we need protection from hate from religious people at funerals. Religion. The funerals are religious and some find comfort. Others find hate. I hug who needs a hug.

Forcing Limits

Writing time is my sanctuary. J's email is helping. Losing the laptop is scary. I can use the library when it's open. The laptop seems to be working again, but it is so inconsistent and unreliable.

I must continue writing.

Laptop Dying

The battery stopped taking a charge. I've been away offline due to the insanity of the shooting here in Orlando. It is so frustrating as I try to help organize offline activities using the internet and I am about to lose online access. I will catch-up someday. The whole city mourns.

Now, I wonder... did anyone even notice i was gone?...

narf...

50,000 #OrlandoStrong

It was inspiring, it was lonely, it was exciting, it was disappointing, it was hopeful, it was sad. 50,000 people (or more) gathered in the park and listened to politicians speaking about the tragedy and how we must rise above the hate and stand together for equal rights and justice. It was surprisingly inspirational and real for politicians. I walked through the crowd and hugged a lot of friends and strangers, but I was sad that Jackson never came over to say hello or hug me. She was sitting up front and I did not want to push through the big crowd, especially since that was the aisle the politicians were using so there was a lot of security. I was in the back talking with a new friend I met there, at least a potential friend, and helping out people who needed help.

I wandered around downtown after the Vigil.

Then came home alone.

Sigh.

Love Wins

As I rambled on to let my cynicism and frustration out in the Dirt, Drama, and Details, the beautiful experience we shared today on the streets of Orlando, Florida came shining through and lifted my spirits and warmed my heart and gave me hope for humanity. What we did was sing Amazing Grace when the hate group started screaming hate. They tried every trick in the book and only got one guy to yell out at them when they stepped on the flag but he responded so well to the love all around him that he was cheered. The Hate Church had a permit to be there for 90 minutes and they left after an hour, defeated. The Angels followed them as they walked to their cars and the crowd let our a huge cheer. Hate lost. Love won. Many returned for the Vigil in the park in the evening. A sixty foot rainbow banner was carried around Lake Eola as another beautiful gathering of people supporting each other through these challenging days. Orlando really is coming together beautifully.

#OrlandoStrong #OrlandoUnited #OneOrlando #LoveIsLove #LoveWins

These were more than words today.

Laptop Hot, People Cold.

As the dust inside the laptop is choking the poor beast and causing sudden shut downs, I help lead a group of 5,000 (and growing) people on Facebook by telling them where I will be and some come out with positive signs and rainbow flags and so much love, it's beautiful. Sadly, there is another group on Facebook causing confusion and keeping people away from the support we provide to families at funerals. Why the Admin of that group would hurt the community like that is anyone's guess. vent here. There is a major funeral downtown Sunday and telling people to stay away even though the Westboro Church hate group has a permit to protest the funeral. We are hoping at least a few hundred of our people come out and are not scared away by the other groups mixed-messages.

Some people suck. The rest of us can still support each other.

Standing Vigil

Just getting back home. The group who went to Juan's funeral today were wonderful - I gave a big thank you to the group coordinators and posted much of this in the group. Juan's family and friends were so appreciative for our support, many of them they came out and hugged us with tears and praise. Juan's sister was especially thankful and hung out with us for a while cheering the cars that honked support. Our group is doing a great thing for our community :)

First Funeral

So this is what we did. My friend S took the front of the crowd and I stood up the hill at the back. He kept people enthused and focused and I stood watch for trouble makers or the hate group that said they were coming to protest the funerals. You may have heard of that group. They spew hate at military and gay funerals. They hide behind the bible, but their real purpose is to incite and provoke violence so they can sue vulnerable people and towns/cities. They ask for police protection before they come and if they provoke someone with their hate speech (or stepping on the American flag), they sure the police for failing to protect them. They won six figures more than once. They won five figures from the family of a veteran because one of the family members reacted to their provocations at a funeral. I won't mention them any more because they don't deserve the attention.

We are there to say #lovewins and block any view of their hate from the families and mourners. Our job is to remain calm, positive, and united in supporting the families no matter what anyone does. We succeeded today. :)

Nothing Profound Here

Facebook, hour after hour. Friends are more personally affected and all I can do is send them words of encouragement and support. I don't like being dependent on Facebook for communications, but most of the groups I am part of, most of my social life is connected through Facebook these days. The pain pours out into words. One new Facebook group was created yesterday to support those affected by the shooting. More than 20,000 people have joined. They made me an Admin. Later today I will go to the first funeral with a group of supporters and see what I can do to help.

Stay strong out there.

Perspective

All my troubles don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy mixed up world. Still, they are my troubles so they are closer to me and in my way. The larger community, however, has a wound beyond comprehension, beyond death. A wound that will linger. Irrational sudden traumatic group death over the course of hours is not anything I ever want to imagine. The news is blaring with reality and I am torn between avoiding and going out to do something. The internet is buzzing. I joined a support group on Facebook and we shall see. Sigh.

Thanks J

I am very thankful for J, again, for her heart just lets me babble all sorts of stuff out and I really believe she cares and I feel so much better after babbling so I really should not stop as I do when I get down cuz that just becomes a spiral downward into an abyss. I think I'll take a hot steamy shower and wake up and go out a bit, but first, I might check in to where I left off in my own mind/blogging and see about setting up a return to that sanctuary sometime soon.

I love the way babbling changes my perspective and lifts my spirits and brings me to clarity and leads me to laugh at the stupid self-pathetic feelings and depressive thoughts of uselessness and valuelessness and other unproductive waste-away kind of thinking that just does not fit into my brain comfortably... yay :)

Whatever happened today, writing to J made it better (excerpts will likely appear in time, somewhere, ya know?). :)

Stay Positive

Friends drift away, groups split into opposing factions, loyalty is as narrow as the judgments and those are so narrow for most people, at least for someone who has few. So I play cards and games and stay on the surface for they are self-destructive. Thank goodness for softball, a bit more healthy groups. Wish I had a partner in that and life. I really enjoy the cards, but I need a new group of friends or at least one or more new friends who are more positive. One new person I've met recently at Saturday softball seems down. Where to meet positive people... maybe humanity is depressed. Certainly delusional.

Stay positive, I'm out there somewhere. :}

Not Here

Nobody noticed this entry was not here because it wasn't but then, nobody noticed I was gone for two months either (and isn't it ironic that the last entry here asked did you miss me before I even knew I'd be gone for two months?). I just felt a wave of emotion coming on as if darkness was ready to drown me and I went into hibernation mode (further irony was that it only lasted a few days before the real world smashed through my bubble and woke me and I responded, but that is for future entries to reveal... this is a flashback to this date and time and the irony, coincidence, or whatever (no Ray, I really don't think it's a message from god, in spite of the ego bigger than Wal-Mart... self-mockery wins... love wins too).

I was not here for this entry.

Were you?

Did You Miss Me?

I was gone from this blog for a few days, in case it matters. I updated the babbling dirt drama details and neglected coming here to write briefer summaries of the daily events in this life I loosely call mine. Sigh. All this writing and no readers in site (I know, you just don't have the words. It is no solace for a lonely writter to know the audience is left speechless lol sheesh). I hope your day is not as sad as other days today.

I finished cleaning and defragging the laptop and there is a whole lot more room now. All the videos, photos, software downloads, and documents are on the external drive now. I left only the documents on the laptop. Can you tell we lost weight? (that would be good for the body too, but I just ate and it was not a low fat meal).

We really should be meeting like this, ya know? :)

Another Night, Another Rainout

Actually, it was only my rainout because I told Coachess I would sub for her husband tonight so I was about to skip dinner and cards at Curly's but the rain intervened so I went to eat and play there. Eating too much meat and snacks there, but my will power comes and goes these days. For a week or so it was really serious and this past week it's been non-existent. Ain't no power in my will power today.

The laptop is sluggish so it is time for a cleaning and defragging. While that is going on I will alternate between Ruzzle, Bridges, Chess, and (ready for it?) going through a box or two wil findally putting the shelf about where it belongs and getting the CDs more accessible. Not having TV at all and now no audio on the laptop is getting to me.

Dinner and cards were fun. I won easily tonight, the cards were very good to me. The space is gonna be different when I wake and that is always exicting. Life is good.

A Whole Lotta Raining Going On

Isn't it a shame, wasting a clever title like that on this entry... eh. I vegetated the entire day away wandering Facebook and the web and watching the weather change as this storm called Colin what the weather people call feeder bands across the area. Maybe we'll get a really good storm and shake things up for me a bit. Selfish, I know, just because I'm bored, I want the weather to excite me.

Softball was rained out tonight so I napped and here we are again with not much to say but a whole lot of hunger to share. I think I'm gonna moves some stuff around. Make your day fun too :)

Sleeping Beauty

For the first time in a very long time I slept through an entire day. Almost twenty four straight hours with just some bathroom breaks. Maybe a storm is coming. Maybe I forgot to stress myself awake. In any case, I'm so rested I don't know what to do with myself. So what's all this fuss about this Facebook thing anyway?

lol lam, sigh, Narf :)

A Lot Happened

Somehow I am visualizing an empty lot. You can read a lot about the lot that happened in the dirt drama and details blog. This is the brief summary, remember. I need to remember as I am catching up after being away for days. The lack of audience allows me to wander off I suppose. Yes, I'll take no responsibility.

Much softball, six hours in the blazing heat. Some shopping then dinner and cards and games. Then a stimulating drive home as many police put on a light show all around me the whole way home for various issues they had to deal with (bar fights, major accident). Luckily I got none on me.

What's up with you? :)

Just Napping Life Away

Is that what you do when you retire? I ought to know, I've been retired a few times already for quite a number of years, so why am I asking?... making conversation, ok?). Without softball, there is just cards and games these days and that's not an active activity so I better get my head wrapped around some exercise soon or else. Meanwhile, I will wander Facebook.

Keep smiling, it is good exercise :)

Heavy Lunch, Light Conversation

That's my Jackson, but little sister all over. She treated me to lunch at Pickles and we shared an hour of catching up conversation, sort of. I asked lots of questions because that is what big brothers do I guess, or parents. She didn't seem uncomfortable and we texted a lot after lunch so it seems to have gone well. Her stomach still acts up now and then and I didn't push further about going to the doctor for now. It is her life and she is a big girl. I just wanna know cuz I adopted her and she seemed (and still seems) ok with that). We avoided discussing me or money other than my asking how she's managing. She said everything is good and that is wonderful news.

She had the Rueben, I had the Rachel. We both had knishes and shared a pickle barrel and cole slaw. I had an egg cream and once again I reminded myself not to get one next time as they are just not worth it. The owner there is all over the place taking care of customers and checking in with friendly encourage to eat up (mangia!) and the waitress also checked in often, which is more attention than most places give so service was outstanding. Food was great for Florida "New York Delicatessen" though critics are correct that they let the meat dry out a bit more than ideal and thick cutting it makes it more noticeable. The fact that there is very little fat is a huge plus for me, but it does make it more challenging to keep the meat moist. Not too dry to be unenjoyable though.

Then, a bit of more serious text conversation with Curly and a nap. You know where to find more.

Your turn :)

Money Stress

So I woke up early again and while I felt tired enough to sleep, the stressful thoughts about money pounded in my head (not pain, just disturbance) so I sat up to play Ruzzle and did well there and then I came to the computer and decided to check on finances and thought of losing the car is the most serious stress. Ok, seriously, I must find income before the end of the year or I will be losing something. Feel free to send donations to me at PO Box 162843, Altamonte Springs, FL 32716. No amount is too small. No amount is too big either.

Maybe it is the prospect of lunch with Jackson that is bringing this one. First time I will have more than a few moments to talk with her since we moved. Almost three months. Her part in my financial stress has always been toxic conversation yet who else can I ask for help if not the person I helped for many years? Stop that now, the subject will just ruin our appetities.

Well isn't this the pleasant light brief entry about daily life. Self-mockery will save me, eventually. I really should have gotten more sleep. Softball tonight will be rough if I don't nap this afternoon. I very much need a distraction (and may need it even more after lunch). Yes, I know, respobsible voices say just get a job. If it was only so simple. I could be a Wal-Mart greeter, they hire people my age. I am feeling so old and used up.

Stop this now, I want to get off.

Narf.

Last Night

Well, actually tonight but this is being written tomorrow in spite of the backdated time stamp. A long day with Curly helping him with stuff. Heavy lifting and sweating was part of it. Adding numbers and driving around with him to places was part of it. After the day, we showered and headed to Excel and the Commodore's for dinner and cards. It was the best night I've had, especially the last round. Commodore just threw his cards down on the last hand, giving up. Alas, winning is far from everything and that made it much less fun, but I just played the cards dealt to me and they were great hands most of the night.

I headed home and fell asleep playing Ruzzle.

You?

I Was Here

Referencing the previous entry as well as this other entry (there, shameless plugging accomplished, level up), I will always be here (with this caveat). Actually, I was here last night but left words elsewhere (it's all in the details) so here we are again (here, there, everywhere is relative in time).

Ok, so yesterday was a wonderfully restful day of writing and playing games and a healthy low calorie tasty dinner all by myself here in this little space. Sitting was not painful and only got uncomfortable after what I'd consider an appropriate period for normal pressures so life improves again. Today I ought to tidy up around here, but I will be heading to Curly's to help him with some heavy work (unloading those pipes and other stuff we loaded on to his trailer over the weekend, among other things) and then we will head to Excel and the Commodore's for Bridge.

Hope your day smiles for you :)

I Am Here

Not a who down in Whoville, but I am looking for my Horton who is looking for her Horton who is also looking for a partner to share everything in life. From the Horton (relatively omnipotent unconditional trust) to the equal balanced partner and everything in between on the spectrum of independence to dependence. I was here for many years and I hope those years are still valuable to someone, but I am here now (and here too, for more words and for still more words, see here, here, and here {revised for those who want to know me, the author of all this) as well... for a whole lot more to choose from, see here).

Someball in a little while if the other team shows up. My teams have had a run of forfeit wins lately. We're just too good and nobody wants to play us. Right. Anyway, I finally went to bed long after sunrise and the footwear tragedy and he exciting news is I intend to stop at Kohls to see if they have the sandals I want in my size. Fingers are crossed. Toes, even. Dinner (or breakfast, since I just woke) will wait until after softball and should be very light. So what else is new?

I mean, besides blatant attention seeking? :)

Footwear Tragedy

Well wasn't I the grumpy babbler tonight (it's a rhetorical question like life). After enjoying dinner and cards at Curly's with Excel, Elton, Curly, and Knobby, I returned home and brought some things in from the car in spite of the almost complete darkness of an almost new moon and mostly cloud cover. That's when the grumping started. I found both pairs of my sandals shrunk in the heat of the car over the past two days. There are many reasons for the frustration I vented because I depend on those sandals every day every time I take a step because there are still bare concrete areas in this space and the summer heat is only hotter with socks and shoes or sneakers or any footweat requiring socks or covinring the feet. Alas, they were great $10 sandals while they lasted and finally really broken in. I stuck a 2x4 halfway in one to see if stretching is an option. I might price a pair (or even one) of those wooden shoe stretchers, but the poor things are not just shrunken, they are curled upward even more than these (mine are nothing like these except in the greater curl)...

They were a cushy rubber, comfortable yet perfect for wet (I shower in them when I am showering on a dirt or dirty floor or tub), great for dry days, but obviously not great for a 120+ degree car for a day or two. They were contoured for me feet and well broken in. Comfort. Reliability. Vesitility. Even safety. All gone with the wind. Dammit! Well, actually gone with the sun, but who's counting.

I was doing so great with money too. Pretty good with calories and that calorie reduction did not continue tonight as I ate a huge cheesburger and a hot dog. Back to chicken and tuna and salmon tomorrow, which is actually here already but this is still Wednesday's entry. Cards was much fun as usual tonight. The evening was great. The day was interesting, if mindless, I was online and I took a nap (see previous entry). All the while the poor sandals were cooking in the car. When I think of today, whatever day it is, I shall recall a wonderfully vegetative day and a fun gaming night. Then, my footwear tragedy.

I was so disturbed (who me?) that I went out to shop for footwear. I also needed a few other items for my coccyx, but that's another story (it's almost all better, by the way, but I will continue treatment and modified cleaning and body care for a while). Since Wal-Mart was all that was open, I went there and came back with four wanna-be sandals and a bunch of other stuff I mostly needed totalling about $80. The budget director is not at all happy and I am right there with him this time (a rare unity). The four sandals have their merits, I suppose, but they can't compare, at least not in their virgin (not broken in) formm to the old sandals which were the right material, the right cushioning, and the right sandals for the right price. I shall mourne them if they cannot be re-stretched back into wearable dimensions.

Wait, the sun is actually coming out (I can hear Little Orphan Annie singing)... I found them.

Mudda Fadda kindly disregard this letta :)