I wrote it down with the hope that I might do it and then, the idea of a single burrito turned into three taquitos, two burritos, four different sauces (two cheese), and this...
The government has lost so much respect in recent years, it might as well be Rodney Dangerfield. In fact, Rodney Dangerfield got more respect. Watching the TV show FBI, the Special Agent In Charge just got off the phone with the FBI Director and there was awed reverence on the screen, but in my mind, I laughed as our oligarchy president wants us to have no respect for the FBI and between him and his cronies, there's minimal respect for law, government, or political office these days. Not to mention the statistics the government spews to claim we are doing so well. If you or I was in as much debt as the government, we'd be in jail or be declaring bankruptcy. That is our president's MO in business, no coincidence. Just ignorance.
Meanwhile, in the serfdom, life goes on. I've changed my daily schedule on the advise of the boss and I'm getting less done, but efficiency is not required in government, after all. I am still working in what I need to do and, in fact, actually taking a lunch break for the first time. Maybe he is looking out for me in his way. Stopping home for a drink, the bathroom, and/or lunch is easier if I am out of the office a few hours every day. I'll just have to reduce my desk work.
Home life is about the same. I still don't use the kitchen much as I have not been in a cooking (or cleaning) mode much in the past few years. The laundry still waits for TA to finish his laundry as his clothes still pile on the floor and dryer and in the dryer. I'm not sure which are clean and which are dirty. I'll just have to move all his stuff out this weekend if it's still there because I told him early last week a couple of times that I need to do laundry. Hopefully the kids aren't here this weekend cuz he usually has to wash their clothes. If I skip this weekend I'll need to buy more underwear. Ah, living with roommates is a compromise. Except for him living like I don't live here our shared space (kitchen, laundry room), he's really easy to get along with and does respond well when I ask (lie yesterday when the at box stunk up the whole house and he was nose blind cuz he was home four or five days in a row). We laughed about his nose-blindness as he carried the whole litter box outside cuz it smelled to bad to be cleaning it inside. All in all, I still like living here and he's likable too.
TV, game, maybe a little food. Trying not to eat a lot though. Must cut calories and drop weight. Elliptical!
Narf :)
I drink 100 calorie protein drinks during the day in the hope that this will be the day I stop the madness, the 2000 calorie dinners. Sometimes 3000 calorie dinners. Or more. I haven't been recording the food for months, many months. I've gained 20 pounds back. I don't exercise, I play a game, every night. All weekend. Softball is done until September 9th, except for the very light Sunday practice and the world series the first week of September, but that's overblown when considered hard exercise. Hopefully we win a little so we get to play more than a few games. Will I be fat and out of shape for the series? Only if I keep this madness up through August. Buy the elliptical or go to the gym, dammit!
Feel free to care.
Narf :)
Eyes so blurry, is that furry, letters worry, what can it mean? Diabetes? Lack of Wheaties? Too much sweeties? Aging routine? Actually, it's Merge Dragons. I think I've been playing for eight consecutive hours without a break, or perhaps longer, and it's well past midnight and I was nodding off many hours ago and then just got caught up in the game and here we are. Tired eyes. Speaking of too many calories and weight and lab work, earlier, I stepped on the scale and it read 195. I was shocked that it was still under 200 as I've been seriously over-eating calories lately. This week, cut it out. Under 190 when I get to the doctor on Thursday? That would be a minor miracle as clothes and keys and wallet and phones weight 5 pounds, at least. I think TA cleaned the kitchen, though I haven't been in it. The laundry room is still full of clothes though. I'll have to negotiate my closet this week lol. Life with people is such an odd adventure for a wayward wanderer like me. Still trying to leave no footprints on the sands of time, no doubt. Of course if we all have tired eyes and don't see them, they they might not be there, right? Tree falls, are you listening? Are you having as much fun as I am? I hope so. :)
So how was your evening, really? And how are you!?
I really really really wanna know...
Narf :)
So I hung out with the Sunday team for five hours this afternoon as we tried fundraising for our world series trip and apparently we raised well over a thousand dollars, though estimates were varied and the coach in charge was uncertain and I don't think there's any record-keeping going on, but we can hope for the best and whatever. The place we went did really well as they had a packed house and would have been empty if we were not there. We should have negotiated 5% of the net or something lol. I was handed a piece of pizza and so the extra fat and calories continues in spite of my foolishness. Or something like that.
I am tired and sugared up as I stopped for two Italian ices on the way home and a nap might happen... unless, of course, you want to come over and play. Surprise me, why dontcha...
Narf :)
Ok, so the Home, Not Home explained most of what I mean, so the Again in this title refers to that and here we are. If you want to understand you will. Yesterday's entries are on hold, as are all the others, and this entry is here now... even if you are not. I had an after midnight snack and if I got on the scale, I am 99% certain I would be over 200 pounds after pigging out for the past few days and exercising not at all. I must get that elliptical. I am emo eating lately, loneliness feeling whatever, unappreciated, alone, something or other that leaves me wanting to indulge my taste buds with fats and carbs and sugars and as much chocolate as I can stand. If I didn't have to go out tomorrow to participate in the Sunday team fundraising event, I would eat more and stay up all night.
Getting home and finding both sinks full of dishes and the kitchen dirty without a single clear counter and no clean spoons and the laundry room overflowing with dirty clothes blocking the garage door and in the washer and in the dryer... doesn't help. I really need to do laundry tomorrow and I told TA, but I suppose he forgot, again. Even if the washer and dryer were empty (and he said they would be), doing laundry with dirty clothes all over the floor and machines is not my idea of clean. Like the kitchen mess. I believe some of the dishes were there back on Tuesday before I left. It's not usually this bad, I wonder if he is getting depressed or just being lazy. I had asked that one of the two sinks be kept clean and empty for cooking purposes, but he must have forgotten that too. so I won't eat healthy or cook, I'll just eat frozen stuff for now and maybe clean the kitchen during the week. I am not the kind of roommate who cleans up behind others in the middle of the night. It would wake him, after all.
So I snacked on cold crab cake and lobster bisque. Any wonder why I get strange looks? lol.
Narf :)
The refrigerator filter has sat on the front seat (or floor) of the car for weeks, maybe longer. Today, I finally stopped into a store and got a new one. $55 and I probably won't see any of it from TA, but now I will try the ice from the fridge. It is an old fridge and the ice maker is very noisy and doesn't work great, but at least the water will be filtered. Not reverse osmosis, which is my preference second only to distillation, but at least some filtering will happen.
The lab work was finally done. The lab place was across the street from a Walmart, Publix, and Lowes, so the filter came from Lowes (Walmart didn't carry it) and Walmart got $18 for a new folding table and Publix got $28 for desserts. Yes, desserts. Two kinds of Magnum ice cream, chocolate cream pie, gourmet fudge filled cupcakes, and I think something else. The success part of this wast getting the labs done. And the filter. The calories and sugars, not so much, but tonight will be a serious party for the taste buds.
I am expecting the labs to scream loud enough to force August to be extremely lean with rare or no fats, sugars, and junk and minimal carbs. The return to sub 180 is the goal for August 30th so I can eat out as I please in Kansas City at the world series. That's the softball world series for the Sunday league, not baseball. I would do a lot more travelling if I had a partner who enjoyed it and the funds to afford it more often.
The kids are good. It seems it takes a couple of days for them to stop testing me and just cooperate with life. They get what they want and have a normal routine, they just don't deal well with their mommies being away. Especially Polo, the new-ish dog. He just keeps looking for his mommies and wants to stay outside watching the road and driveway. When inside, he snuggles up for attention and reassurance that he is loved. Curious, the cat, knows me well so she is less affected, but she hops up on my lap regularly for attention and nose rubs. The outdoor cats are comfortable with me (for a while only one would come inside so I'd leave food on the porch with the porch door open). Now, one of the two outdoor cats has not been seen for several days and there is concern. Best case is adoption and no longer being let out. The worst case is food for a wild animal or another debilitating injury. In between are possibilities like hiding from the weather, nursing babies, and who knows what else.
Anyway, that was today. Hope your day was good too. :)
Narf :)
That's Quest Diagnostics, competitor of Lab Corp, and until today I was happy with the local Quest I go to several times a year for blood work. The local off was closed for the past couple of weeks and I intended to go to the Lake Mary location on Wednesday, but woke late and didn't get away from work, so I changed plans to go to the Deland office today. I called the offices, but was put through a recorded queue several times and realized I couldn't get through to any location. I have the direct number for my local office and can always get through easily to double check that they have my doctor's order. I called the doctor's office to make sure they faxed the order and headed to the Deland office. It was further away than I thought and when I got there, I discovered it was closed. None of the recorded messages in the queue mentioned that. I called back and after 30 minutes, an actual human answered and apologized and sent me to another office thirty minutes away. I got there and they had closed two minutes before I arrived. So no blood work and a wasted afternoon. The last stop was in a Walmart so I spent some money, bought Anchor glass containers for the food. They turned out to be disappointing as the lids do not seal well on all of the containers. Not the best afternoon, but the food is now in the freezer (and hopefully there won't be freezer burn because of the looser than I'd like lids) and I ate more meat and pasta and chocolate and tomorrow, if I can get the lab work done, the numbers will probably be terrible. Since the insurance discount needs good numbers before the end of September, I may have to crash diet before getting lab work redone in late August. Getting back here, the dog refused to come back inside when my food was ready so it was not as hot as I'd have liked it. Once he came back in, we had a hard talk and I dragged him into his cage (he refused to go in there too) and left him there for a couple of hours. When I let him out he finally ate (I had to start him like I did yesterday by feeding him bits by hand) and now, he needs to go out again. Hoping we don't have resistance when it's time to come back in.
So how was your day?
Narf :)
At Jackson's place, realizing how many things I depend on for my routine living, and how challenging it is for me to feel at home anywhere in this physical world. I've always felt like an outside, an alien, but that feeling has often become less comfortable (or comforting) as the years pass. Surely a deep psychoanalysis entry is due somewhere in my blog world. For now, here, in the brief daily, let's catch up on what's going on.
As the previous entry said, there are many entries waiting for uploading in the draft folder. This one might be too as the bowels are calling me to the potty (would release some excrement be a better phrasing for you? lol) and I do have a couple of things I really should get done today. Lab work (though my diet recently and last night is the antithesis of what I should eat to get good lab results... it's a test of the emergency pig-out system, which could be amusing if I expanded on it, but this is the brief daily, after all, so out dang parentheses and on with the... brief daily) and getting an extension cord.
The animals are their usual needy selves. The dog is like glue and strangely, doesn't eat unless I hand feed him. The cat tries to eat the dog's food and she is on a special diet, so I can't leave it out. The outdoor cats are a single cat the last few days according to Jackson and we are concerned that this one's partner may not return. Adoption being the best case, death being the worst. Of course there are possibilities in the middle and if she shows up here with a little of kittens, Jackson and Brandi will have to decide whether they want a handful of outside cats coming and going daily as they feed them daily on the kitchen counter.
As for me, I have enough food for a month, or at least a few weeks. Bought it all yesterday at a butcher/deli (that does not carry pastrami even though it is on the menu, dangit) near here and much of it is cooked and in the fridge. All pasta and meat, so I should freeze it all and eat it sparingly over the next month or few, which I may do today. I'll either stop home and get freezer containers or buy some. So anyway, that's life today.
Off to the lab and shopping now. Make your day fun!
Narf :)
That's been the Monday routine for many years now. I'm not a fan of the new Elementary. Sherlock and Joan in London is not winning me over in the first show. The police contact is not at all appealing in any way. The proper snootiness is a turn off. Her articulation sucks and the accent makes it worse. The dialogue lost something in translation. Either they are trying to make it a show for a British audience or they are going to find a way to bring them back to New York, but they are losing this fan fast. I'm not a fan of Watson as a blonde either. Her wardrobe has gone downhill as well.
Anyway, work and softball. We didn't do well. We lose most of the time if I don't hit or shut down the other team's batters. We have a lot of inconsistency at the plate and in the field. Gross lack of discipline and no patience and high anxiety. Shutting down softball hitters is not easy to do when they are patient at the plate and good hitters. A few errors early on and the batters confidence rises and they hit a lot better. Different players every week doesn't help.
Work is work, mostly the same.
Narf :)
Pollo and Gigi and Fats, oh dear. That's a dog, a cat, and almost me. Food indulgences finally happened. Pizza and Pasta and more (meatballs), oh bloat. I will be going to pet sit this week and I really am pushing the limits with food calories and every week I find another excuse to indulge in more calories and that is so wrong and dangerous. Party. Suicide. Who's gonna save me? Who's gonna miss me? It's not easy to ignore all the delusion and ignorance and stupidity and fear and hate all around me.
Excuses. No reason to ill myself.
Narf. (grumble face)
Practice hurt. A lot. The fall on last Monday made swinging the bat today impossible without severe pain. That does not bode well for the playoffs tomorrow.
Feel free to care.
Narf.
I forgot. Days off from work, four in a row, just hanging out with the animals at Jackson's place until they got home, after midnight. Catching up on the past few days, weakly.
What?
Calories, mostly. I am waiting for the restriction to start again. The calorie restriction. And exercise. Waiting is not working. I am probably staying away from the food blog so I don't record the poor choices. Hope I don't die before I stop making them. I am having too much fun (stop laughing, he says to himself, and he doesn't listen).
Anybody out there?
Narfish :)
Or why was I here?
Something, but do you care?
It matter for a moment.
To me, at least.
Narf. :)
Superficial as it may be, the dongle arrived and there was the excitement of a new toy. Once I hooked it up and learned how to log in and download apps and navigate the app (the first app I opened was CBS since I haven't had access to it on the TV), I watched a show. The app doesn't keep track of what I've watched well and may be confusing what TA is watching on my account, so I don't like the trial and error method of choosing shows, but o, still, the good news is the TV is back up to it's max potential for the money I am spending. I did mention the good news was superficial, right? lol.
The emails and phone calls continue, which is why I don't stay home much.
I think I'll eat something decadent and watch Discovery.
Narf :)
The phone woke me. It was boss. He was asking me if I had a defensive driver training this morning. Apparently people called from the learning center where they were gathered. It took a second for the ton of bricks to hit me in the head, but oh yes. I forget to set the alarm. We agreed that I would take the day off and should have taken yesterday off to heal the body. He is so understanding, I hope.
Then, emails started popping up and the phone rang, so I'm working from home more than not working. I received an email from the brand new training coordinator. Someone wrote a long letter of complaint. I forwarded it to boss apologizing, explaining I am not relaxing due to stressing over screwing up and keeping the job, and contemplating going into the office. He wrote back that I should not worry and stay home.
I'm still stressing... hours later... what time is it?
Narf...
I am just so bright and cheery these last few entries, aye? lam. TA bustles around the house, apparently working from home today, so the silent stillness that would likely have helped is not available, but I am here, home, sitting back in the recliner with my legs up and breathing carefully. I laid down in bed for a couple of hours after falling asleep in the recliner, woke with the alarm, hit snooze a bunch of times, texted the boss to let him know I'd be in later, and now sit typing these words to you. Cuz it matters, right? Cuz you care. When I give up believing that, then> I will be in trouble.
The entire right side hurts. Shoulder, arm, ribs, lower abdomen, and calf muscle. Well, almost the entire right side. The hip doesn't hurt. I took the fall with my arm bent, upper arm pressing against my rib cage and just below. The ribs and right side organs took the hardest blow. The ribs are very sore, especially painful when I breath or move. The organs area is less sore and only hurts when I move a certain way. The shoulder and arm are sore when I use them, but not concerning. The calf (did I mention I was hit by a hard line drive because I couldn't move well after the fall?) is sore and swollen. Calf muscle was hurting before the game, yeah, I'm probably repeating myself, again.
Feel free to inject something new and exciting into my veins.
I know you're out there somewhere.
Hugs and Narf :)
Ridiculously, there is enough pasta in the fridge for a week. Veggie pasta, yes, but still I poured a lot of rich (high calorie) tomato sauce, so it is still high fat and carbs and calories. I just had some, cold, with shrimp. I almost made it to bed without dinner, which was the intention for tonight. Hurting on top of hurting weakened my already weak will power.
So I won't blame it completely on the bloat, for the old broken shoe was the main cause, compounded by the sore calf muscle, but I took a very hard fall running to first base tonight. I don't recall falling this hard in this lifetime, though there may have been an occasion or too that came close. Nothing is broken, I think. I continued playing and pitching in some serious pain and was safe at first, but we lost. I could not swing the bat so I went 0-3 after that and the rest of the team sucked. So much for finishing the season well. Everybody wants to hit home runs, so everybody popped out to infield or outfield, mostly. We played the #1 team that only has one loss and held them to the fewest runs they've had this season, but still lost. Hurt upon hurt upon hurt upon hurt upon hurt upon... infinity is so far away.
Still, laughing at the futility of life is amusing, even in pain.
I shall tr to sleep now.
How are you?
Narf :)
Stupid is doing what hurts you when you know it will hurt you. Ignorant is just not knowing something. Ignorance is nothing to fault, as we all have ore to learn and some things we have the opportunity to learn and some things we do not have an opportunity to learn. We can always learn given the opportunity. Stupid is refusing that opportunity. So eating more calories than I should today, after doing it last night, after doing it for weeks more days than are good for the body, when I know the annual physical is coming up and the numbers will effect higher premiums for health insurance for all of next year and I really could use that money for other things and the bottom line is I feel worse and play less well and hurt this body with the extra weight and this run on poorly constructed grammatically awful sentence all leads to the same conclusion, is stupid.
How was your day? :)
Narf lol.
Chipotle. TA came home tired and talked the kids into Chipotle. I was half asleep and woke to the sound of food and went only and ordered $17.87 worth of Chipotle. Have they gotten more expensive or did I order a lot? Both. I don't want to think about how many calories. I am weak. No more food this weekend. Maybe this month. Food is evil.
I should have just crawled into bed.
Narf lol lam sigh :)
Well, not really, but the merry-go-round of pigging out on the weekend, that needs to stop. Hard braking. Cease and desist. The pizza and ice cream and chocolates and calories-laden foods must be banned this weekend. So I am challenging myself to do just that. If only the challenge was not being done with a wink and a nod and a sigh and a giggle. But for tonight, at least, and the past few days, I've kept calories under 1000 a day. Today was 380 calories for lunch, mostly protein, and dinner was a pile of shrimp and five slices of fat free turkey. Low calorie, low fat, again, mostly protein.
Socializing usually requires food, so I have yet another reason to not be social. Two days off, what to do. Well, I have tomorrow to decide, but I'll be out of the office most of the day tomorrow. I told myself I must shop for an elliptical for weeks now, so maybe a trip to a couple of places that sell elliptical machines to try them out. We need paper towels, so I can stop at Costco, though I might do that tomorrow. Sunday morning is softball downtown, sweat producing in the heat. Shopping after that might be sticky, but hey, I'm not shopping for clothes, and sporting goods stores are where sweaty people buy stuff, right? lol. I have dinner and a show planned with Jane in the evening. Could be a busy (and expensive) Sunday.
Tonight, I will try to fall asleep early cuz I need to be out of the house before sunrise tomorrow. Out in the field, inspecting, and enjoying the ride to and from places. Some walks in the park. A fine way to end a work week. What's your week like? What are you like? What do you like? Who are you, anyway?
Narf :)
At least I stopped myself before I went over 200 pounds this time. I hope to be under 190 soon. The smaller pants still fit, so I'm not over the top, but they started getting tight. If I was exercising, the weight would drop off faster. My mantra has become I've gotta buy an elliptical." Followed by laughter. I am not sure what kind of laughter. Sarcastic? Sardonic? Sleepy? Something kinda looney? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? Anyway, the days roll by and so do I.
Working five days a week, nine to ten hours a day, starts getting monotonous sometimes. I've not set life up very well financially, so I'm not in the same job 30 years like many there who get so much time off they don't know what to do with it. I don't have a 30 year pension like my boss who, on top of that pension (which is more than I earn), he earns over 70K a year in his "second job." His first job is retirement, as he says. Some people lives the five day a week fifty hour week for thirty or more years and pretty much have more than they need when they are heading toward retirement. Some people wandered through life enjoying each moment, working in cycles, twelve years on, twelve years off, twelve year on, and so on. The off time was a few years, after the Army years. Then, the nineties was party all the time. The last eight years, I've worked about half of them and still end up giving practically everything away. Cuz I love giving more than just about everything else.
Anyway, working a lot, vegging in the evenings. Mediocre TV in the background, while playing the game. MergeDragons, if you recall. The game seems to go on forever. It keeps me from being bored and keeps me from spending money, two good things. It keeps me from being social too, but every year I get more tired of people and less hopeful someone will actually understanding me. I've always had people around, people who called themselves my friends, even who said the loved me, when I was giving. When I stop giving, it's always the same. People wander off. Maybe he giving attracts people who do that.
I'd like to be understood. Someday. There's a place for me. Somwehere.
There's a song in that.
Narf :)
That's the daily message from this laptop, Free up storage space, your computer is low on memory." At the moment, there are eight youtube tabs pen at the moment. Four google search tabs open. One other tab, but if I go to it, the computer might slow to a crawl. I should shut down, clean the drive again (I do it at least weekly, but there's usually less than 50 megabytes to delete, if that much. Anyway, it's distracting and limits browsing for ideas and exploring creativity and blah blah blah, in case it matters.
It's something to talk about when there's not much else to say, aye?
Narf :)
Now I am a dinosaur. Long ago, when average annual salaries were under $10K a year, I bought and set up a $5K audio system (at least). Today I suppose that would be $25K of more. Still not much, but it was quite high-end, in the audio vernacular. Today I have more than 10,000 CDs in storage in New York and several hundred CDs here and I don't have a CD player here. So I searched the internet for the best way to retain the highest quality sound when playing and converting CDs to digital formats and I did not find the language or data I was looking for (or perhaps I am just ignorant of advances in the science and craft and new language... I was a wiz at science when the atom was the smallest particle of matter, after all... rather ignorant of the quarks and strings of today's science, but I can still learn when I have the patience and time to research... the challenge is not enough time {where is relativity when I need it?} and too many teachers on the internet... so much fluff and pseudo-experts, so little actual clear knowledge).
Anyway, hours later, I hope the inspiration to return to this thought of returning to music returns soon, for I was much better when music was an active part of life. The dream of finding a musician/composer to work with on songs remains, even now, when music is so far away. I am the flip side of the stranger with the melodies and Mr. Tanner in the flesh, the saddest thing of all in life is hearing my silent breath.
Now I don't even remember how to plug all those wires in the back lol.
Narf-sigh :)
If ever asked, as I have been on occasion, why I write so much in so many blogs, the answer is simple. Some even ask why I write when no one seems to notice or care. The same simple answer holds true. I love to write. Not because I think I am any good at it, not because I want anyone to read, no less publish and support me as a professional, not even because I want anyone to read (though I do, I do, I so do want you to read and respond and be my friend and lavish me with honest love and where appropriate, praise and accolades and great wealth, even, but at least just read and let me know what you think about whatever it is I am rambling on about, as it is, ya know?), but simply because I love to write.
Do I think about form or style or technique or anything? Rarely. Mostly I just let the words flow as I let my mind wander wherever it may wander. Fixing a hole where the rain gets in, sometimes. That is, resolving conflicts or challenges or obstacles (what, you didn't see the clinical therapeutic references in the Beatle's song?... how gauche, aye? lol... ok, so maybe gauche is not the right term, but ignorant has such disproportionately negative connotations, I mean, it's just not knowing, after all). So anyway, that's why I write, in case you wondered, in case you wanted to know, in case it mattered.
The laundry and cleaning continues. Bravo!
Narf :)
I suppose the word content is appropriate for what you see when you go to a web page, especially a blog, as it is often more than words to read. It's just still something I find new in my brain. The term content creator must include poets, artists, musicians, as well as scientists and really, anyone, but I still seem to prefer a less generic term. When I think of one, I'll let you know lol. Anyway, there is often no new content in this blog.
Often, the doe-eyed stare that might follow stating the obvious is my plaything, my rhetorical device, if you will. Rhetoric too, but that's another blog or few I suppose. Literary device are like feathers that tickle the fancy of a reader, perhaps, but then, so many analogous metaphors could develop and still, say nothing. No new content, but many words. This is part of what I do here (see the profile, ah!), play with words. I love to play with words at least as much as I love you and I love you unconditionally, at least. It would be fun for a literary critic (I said critic, not butcher) to play the name game with my babblings. What's that device, which technique is employed here, to wither there as well. I'll leave f for you t add the question marks, I mean, if you are the curious one. I am only supposing, really, not actually asking, now, am I?
This is the day I have promised myself, laundry and babble and all sorts of fun (or fun or all sorts, even).
In case it matters.
Narf :)
I once had a blog called Imaginary Friends. Maybe I still do. Most of you are imaginary friends, actually. I mean, I don't really think there are millions of avid readers out there waiting with baited breath for my next pearl of wisdom, bit of babble, or meaningful nonsense. I see the comment count, after all, but I also know I've had silent reader in the past who only comment or visit once in a while. It helps the flow of words to write as if someone is actually reading, as if this is a communication to you, rather than just words pouring out of me. So I address you as if you were really there and maybe you are, but even if you are imaginary, I love you.
The little one is playing in the kitchen with knives. She says her mom lets her cut and chop stuff, onions, even, so lately she's been slicing her fruit. Hey, she's eating fruit, that's a good thing. Using a very sharp pointed knife while standing on a stool (she's too short to reach the counter) has the safety guy in me concerned. I wonder if TA will clean the kitchen today. The kids really leave a mess and especially the fruit dripping, cuz they bring sugar ants. I haven't given the area a serious spray of chemical out of respect for the animals and kids, but I will (with a week's warning so TA can schedule the animals and kids around it) if the sugar ants keep returning. Once sugar ants really move in it's tough to get rid of them. So far, deep cleaning whenever I see them has worked, but I really don't want to deep clean every day and the kitchen needs that every day with the kids here.
I have found over the last five to ten years that my love of children is waning. I used to love kids much more than I do. I suppose it is part of my overall loss of faith and hope for humanity. People are so immature and unaware. Stupid, for the most part. My passion for saving the world has given way to a nihilistic acceptance of what appear to be the inevitable self-destruction of the species. It's not nice to fool with mother nature, after all. Someone should draw or paint a mother nature (and a lady liberty, while they are at it) all bloodied and bandages and hurting, maybe laying in a hospital bed on life support.
Well, enough socio-political commentary, time to return to laundry.
This was much more whatever, anyway.
Narf :)
That's what my plan is for today, it's laundry day. What's yours? With our current president turning the national celebration of independence into a personal masturbatory trip for himself, the military, and his party because he loves to masturbate in public and create conflict, I have less interest in the rockets red glare than usual (I never liked celebrating war and killing anyway), I'm following through on my plan to do laundry today. I had to ask TA to get his stuff out of the dryer as he had clothes everywhere in there, on dryer, in dryer, on floor (it's usually push clothes out of the way to get into the garage), but that's the way it usually is. He moves them (except the floor stuff) when asked. I had to ask the eight year old to not play with the dog in the laundry room and after asking a few times, I think she got the message. Though maybe it was the smell of bleach, since she doesn't listen much and is used to getting her way. She has been dragging the poor dog around all over the house (and I mean dragging) and mumbled something about going to the closet. This is the first time in six months that I actually asked her not to do something she apparently wanted to do, so we shall see how that goes.
A puzzle emerged from this laundry day. So far, I am missing underwear. Very strange and I will have to buy more (which is fine since the elastic wanes after repeated washings with bleach). The washer is strange too. I always choose "deep water wash" because it's a "no agitator" model and barely gets the clothes wet on normal cycles. Even on deep water, the underwear is not submerged under water. Sometimes I found towels that didn't even touch the water while watching the load periodically as it washed. Anyway, there isn't room to hook up my high-end front loading washer/dryer, so I use TA's. The dryer has one setting, hot, and still doesn't dry well. Guess he's not one to do research on appliances when buying.
The little one shifted into playing with foods and chemicals in the kitchen after complaining to daddy about me doing my wash. As I said, spoiled. Oh, maybe I said "used to getting he way" lol. So now, as usual, the kitchen will be a mess and smell like the laundry room (she uses tide to make slime and goop and different lotions to make other concoctions. Maybe she'll be a chemist. Hopefully she'll learn the importance of keeping a lab clean lol. Hey she's eight going on four, so give her time.
So the first wash is in and the day begins (again?). What's up with you?
Narf :)
Even if you are not listening, you might hear me in your dreams as I send out psychic forces to haunt you into submission to my incorrigible will. You will not destroy yourself if I can help it. Love, love, love, that is the strange misty fog clouding your brain in the middle of the night and yes, it comes from me. I know you've given up believing. I know you've given up on hope. On humanity. On life. On yourself. I know you just go through the motions, we all do, but may some semblance of awareness of the blissful perspective hope can bring reach you at least now and then. No matter how bad this life gets, there is always the possibility of another existence after this one where we get more of what we want. No matter what though when hope is all you need, you've got it all no matter where you are, no matter what is going on.
In case it matters, in this moment in time in this current daily life, sharing space with a roommate, two kids, a dog, and a cat, there is not enough undisturbed clean space to my standards in the kitchen, especially not in the fridge or freezer for simple things like fresh foods or ice cubes. I compromise a lot to share space, but I compromise much less about what goes into this body. Filtered extremely sanitary water (and in turn, ice) is a must. I miss ice, especially now that the temperatures are consistently in the mid to high 90s (and the feels-like reach 110 today). It's a lot of work to try to keep a place clean with a young kid around and daily cleaning just doesn't happen unless I do it. Her emotional issues don't help, alas, poor baby is not handling divorce well. Still, even without her around, food stays in the fridge, only semi-covered, for weeks. Usually until I ask about it. I guess there are a lot of people who don't may attention to the germs and molds they grow in their homes. Still, it is a wonderful living space with a very respectful, trustworthy, kind and non-intrusive roommate who shares a very compatible word view, and this combination of space and person is not easy to find.
The best part is I do have my own living space, bedroom, and bathroom (even if the layout is awkward) and I can clean a small area of the kitchen whenever I need it. I can buy a small fridge/freezer if I want. I am holding out on any purchases until I decide to move on buying an elliptical because that is what is needed most in this physical life. Did you see what I ate yesterday? lol. I suppose the sheer joy of living I feel almost constantly does not show through the words too often (or maybe it does, for those who can see it... those who don't know it for themselves often don't recognize it even when it is spelled out, alas and all), but it is my baseline (which is one big reason I am alone in this world, but that's another story of misunderstanding and compromise that we can leave for another time... this isn't the babbling blog, after all).
Life is as wonderful as it gets alone, wish you were here :)
Narf :)
When I am not exercising much, especially when I spend the day sitting at the desk, I don't need more than 1000 calories to maintain weight and eating 2000 calories is fatsville. Not much else to do in life these days. Softball just on Mondays. I'm not in the mood to "make new friends" and the many softball players and teams I already know have passed me by. Getting old is a lonely place, especially for a softball player. With the kids here, TA is dominated by the eight year old and we can't even have a conversation without constant interruptions, so he hangs in his bedroom ad I hang out here. As long as he's not interacting with me, she can occupy herself with toys or food, but the moment he says two words to me she is clinging to him, pulling him away, and interrupting constantly. Often with contradictions. If that's his ex, I feel for the poor guy lol.
So I ate dinner and a few hours later, went out for pizza.
Are you listening at all?
Narf lol :)
It hurts for a while. Having the bat in my hands for the second week in a row with the winning run on base. Last week I knocked in the winning run. This week, with two outs, I hit a line drive just over second, but the second baseman was playing deep and made a running over the shoulder catch and game over. It hurts. It hurts even more because that ne swing of the bat could have kept us in second place still within reach of first place, one game back. We play the first place team next week. We just haven't had the defense this year. In nine games we've scored 112 runs, but gave up 99. Mostly on errors. Today, we were cruising when an easy ground ball to second for the third out turned into a double with two runs scoring. Three more outfield errors and a 9 run inning and we lose 14-13. It hurts. Mostly because the win was in my hands and I blew it. One swing of the bat, game over. I should have been more patient. Next week we have an outside chance of tying for first for the season. We need help from another team and we need to win our game. Tonight, it hurts.
I stopped for a chocolate milk shake, a cherry-pinnapple ices, and a chocolate-vanilla gelato at Versinis Italian Ice. Ok, so I sugar buzzed through the pan and playing the game (still Merge Dragons) and worked through the so-lonesome-i-could-die feelings and now I lay me down to sleep, or at least I am thinking about it. I really should.
Writing this gives me the illusion that I am less alone.
It doesn't hurt anymore. Still alone though.
In case it matters.
Narf :)
On many levels, in fact, I wander through life. I've wandered this country for years in the past. I've wandered cities and forests and wide open spaces. I've wandered within. Wandering is like being lost, intentionally. Direction and momentary awareness of the where is suspended and a bridge can be built between the microcosm of the moment in immediate space that the senses experience and the cosmic infinity or space, time, energy, and matter. Real and/or illusionary, it is an amazing experience. Solitary, so far, as I've yet to meet anyone who can let go enough to truly wander, even for a moment. I suppose I don't know any true philosophers without agenda. I suppose I don't know anyone who is not less limited by fear than I am. Wandering, in many ways, is what life is about. Too bad most people miss it, it really is wonderful.
In case you didn't notice, now and then, this daily blog wanders too. :)
Narf :)
