Another Good Day (and Night)

Well, it's sort of night. Almost midnight, almost after even, according to the common words. Naturally, unnaturally, and with assistance I am awake and wired and even a bit giddy. If only you were here to enjoy the show. A full day of desk work, almost. Fifteen minutes of orientation, skipped lunch (and dinner, actually), sent a lot of emails, did research, sent more emails, got tech support to install a few things and give me access to a few other things, and assessed all the injury reports related to the Hurricane. Tomorrow I'll analyze. Naturally.

Then, softball. First, Eb complained that the water bill tripled. I didn't mention my rent money pays for it and everything else and there's more left over for him. So maybe my four sitz showers a day have used more water than I thought. I'm listening to Gilbert Godfried's Dirty Words, what do you expect. Anyway, softball. Hit the ball hard for a change with a borrowed bat. I need a lighter bat, finally. I pitched lights out. Struck out several. We won big. Then I hung out watching friends play. Chilled, and chilled (Temperature somewhere in the 50s and I was damp and only had a light jacket, so chilled chilled... get it now?). Then, back here to eat. Finally. Leftover KFC from yesterday. Hot from the over. Yum. Even more yum, chocolate. And we now see why I am awake and wired and a bit giddy. Amazing, huh?

Happy Halloween Eve.

Narf :)

Fun At The Fields

A long day at the softball fields, the backup fields where there is limited seating, no shade, one water fountain, a bathroom, and no other amenities. I did some additional ratings of players because our ratings system has a lot of flaws. perhaps we'll get it right next year. We played two games ad they had me pitch, not my choice ad the other pitcher was not thrilled, but coach said so. We lost both game. We have no hitting and even less fielding ability on the team. We average about two runs a game. We average giving up about 16 runs a game. Still, we have fun at the fields. I hung out to watch a few games and chat with friends and the field manager (there's work at the fields too). After softball I stopped for KFC, impulsively, and pigged out back here. A rare time I brought food back here to eat. I have to vacuum the carpet squares soon. Or spray bug spray. Actually, both. Then TV, email, penpal message, la lala. I miss sports, but I don't get sports on my internet TV.

That was the day.

Narf :)

Purpose

I've been on the web a long time. Writing, reading, sometimes communicating or at least interacting. I've left comments along the way, sometimes old and new as I am sometimes drawn back to a conversation even if it was just one way, even if it was not mine. All I can do is wave with the hope that somebody might wave back. This is one of the primary purposes in being out here on the web, leaving these words here for you, for anyone, for posterity.

In case it matters.

I write for many reasons, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives for posterity, and more. All that for myself and then, I put some words here for interaction and communication. I include links that are as random as they are meaningful, meaningful in the moment, random in the grand scheme of things. It is like a giant jigsaw puzzle, more information in more places than anyone can understand. I just keep trying to find a way to put enough pieces together in the hope someone might understand. It is beyond words, yet I try to use words. How else might I reach you?

Open to other ways and perhaps, you will find us there.

For now, we are here.

Narf :)

Used To Be

No matter how happy I am, and I am seriously good and happy (not good and plenty) inside and out (more in, I mean, just look at the world out there), it is still not like it used to be (and even that is not like it used to be, but it was a more shared time so it was a more ... ummmm, shared. I've relly been such a dufus the last couple of decades, maybe longer. Trying to fit in. Trying to be human. Trying to heal. Trying to remember a time before I started sleepwriting, when life was still alive. More alive, like it used to be. Wow, memories are long ago now.

Today was a usual day. Organized my office, accomplished some stuff, had fun doing it. Making more connections, getting more praise and appreciation, that feels good. Headed back here and made dinner, yummy soup again. I've had some sort of soup for the past four nights. Canned, but a mixture of five or six different canned soups and some cheeses and spices and a different yummy every night and not spending much money. Yummy, wise economically, patience, all feeling yummy good. Watching Chance now. Sick show, and I mean sick. Just what the doctor ordered for distraction in this cold cruel world. Like when I used to read Stephen King, but with weirdly logical twists. Stretching mentally, churning emotionally, physically satisfied, feeling alive. Fun.

I still have more fun than anyone I know, but fun is more fun when it's shared.

Narf :)

No Resonse

The world is non-responsive, does that mean it's dead? What I mean is... where is my Harry Chapin, My John Lennon, My Elton and Bernie and Billy and Justin and maybe, maybe I'm wrong... but the world does still whirl around. Overall, life is pretty wonderful these days. Other than some physical discomforts compounded by age and this cramped unclean living space and the nagging loneliness and the usual not enough time to explore all the possibilities and creativities, life has seldom been much better than it is right now.

But you wouldn't know that, would you?

Narf :)

4 AM Again

You could jump to the babbling blog to read the last five entries (the ones between the two linked here) to learn more, but suffice to say (or is it suffice it to say, huh) I am hungry for more than food... I am lonely. Lonely enough to want to do something about it so I am reaching out to a pen pal site for inspiration. Writing to people inspires me to believe in people which leads to my waning to trust someone which hopefully will motivate me to actually reach out to someone in the offline off paper world. We shall see if I overcome my disillusionment and cynicism about love and people and trust. There's always hope. :)

So I played softball, did laundry, watched football, wrote, relaxed, heated up food, and enjoyed the privacy of this space today. The Cubs lost, the Yankees lost, so I guess I'm rooting for the Dodgers now. UCF continued their undefeated season. Jackson sent a text apologizing for not texting for a while. J wrote. I wrote. The digestive system continued to be wonky. Life goes on.

How was your day and dreams?

Narf :)

Invisible

I could refer you elsewhere, maybe... in case it matters.

Foodie Come and Save Me

Another buffet, an American southern type, Helen loves them, I need to be in the mood for meat and potatoes and pasta and canned veggies. Overcooked at that. Hey, it was my idea to try the place because it was new. So the bloat continues to grow, the weight continues to rise, and the rest of the consequences of bloat and weight continue to increase as the body continues to deteriorate. I am a foodie, tried and true, I am a foodie, You? I am reaching the point where I am an out of control foodie who is in dire need of a kind gentle very very strong healthy foodie who appreciates food as much as I do but also has a very strong will power, self-discipline, body awareness and willingness (desire, even) to help me return to balance. Feel free to stop by and introduce yourself anytime. The sooner the better.

I also need to get to the batting cages post haste.

Feel free to care and help.

Narf :)

Yesterday

Yesterday I forgot my work ID at the office and did not get back to work in time to get back in the building before it auto-locked for the night so I did not have my computers for the first time in years and living where I live now, that left me without any stimuli, distraction, communication, or release other than the phone and I do not have people to talk to much these days so at first I was down and lonely and then I found myself motivated to do laundry and re-arrange and clean my room and then, as I laid down to sleep, I found myself tying emails to myself and others on my tiny iPhone 5 keypad. It was challenging, physically, to see the words and touch the right keys, especially as sleep came and went. Still, I found myself writing long into the night between naps like I did when I was a much younger babbler. All in all, I love the emotional aftermath (or is it residue?) before I even read any of what I wrote.

Today was a mostly paperwork day at work. After work, I drove to take some photos of debris piles (more work, but on my time in my car) and then met Tinman and his daughter for dinner at the old Chinese buffet which is at a low ebb in quality these days, but it is what it is and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... or something like that. Eb is gone for a week, somewhat suddenly as he told me he was leaving next week. So I watch the Star Trek shows that are on every night and type these words. Alone. I'd rather be sharing, yet... I am as much as I can at the moment.

I am feeling it's a wonderful life, even alone.

Narf :)

So Much Drama

The co-ed softball league is such a strange world these days as it has become awash in drama and people who are... challenging to describe. They seem to want to win at all costs and if they lose they look for all sorts of reasons to blame anything or anyone but themselves and their own poor play. It is recreational co-ed softball, for crying out loud. Where has the fun gone? So one team walks off the field in the middle of the game because they are adults and they don't want to play with immature children. Like it's mature to say "I'm taking my ball and going home so nobody can play." That was their first loss on the season and they were playing for first place. They were way behind and could not accept the reality of actually losing a game I guess, so they forfeited. On other fields players with obvious skills that belong in upper divisions were mocking people because they were mistakenly laced in the lower division and could do whatever they wanted on the field. Bullies and hurt feelings and pissed off people seem to be everywhere these days. So do we blame Trump or continue blaming Obama? lol.

That was not a serious question folks, lighten up.

Narf :)

PTCF

That's Power Tripping Control Freak, in case you wondered. It seems my candor is pissing off more people than usual these days. One of the worst umpires in all the leagues I play in called time and threatened my team with a team out if I said one more word to piss him off. I told him if he could show me a rule that pertained to him being pissed off as grounds to penalize a team, then go right ahead and do it or let us get on having fun playing the game. He was pissed off because I was asking him to stop delaying the game with between inning conversations (including being on his cell phone) and for distracting players (which can be dangerous for inexperienced players) by talking to them while they were trying to concentrate on the game on the field.

We did not get penalized and after everyone laughed at him, we went on enjoying our game and he stayed quite except for making bad calls as if he was deliberately trying to provide my players. I simply told my players don't let his bad calls stop you from having fun and they listened to me and ignored him. A little man with a big ego who oversteps his authority has no power in a fun group.

We had fun in spite of him.

Narf. :)

Challenges Alone

The excitement is bound to return sooner or later, but for now, this shows the distraught. Where is the humor? Alas, another typical day at work. A few things went wrong, but all is well because I fixed them. Watching Somewhere Between once I got back to where I sleep. A roller coaster day. The body is still acting up with digestive foulness that has no affect (or effect) on my appetite, unfortunately. Eating emotionally doesn't help. Just feeling more alone than usual. A lot more. Challenges are much more challenging when alone. Don't give up on the dream, remember?

Narf like a sigh. :}

Super

I don't want to be superficial... it's just a bit challenging to get started again because the why is not public information so... moving right along... another work day, still loving the work even though I am still getting more tired and the body is still getting more ailments and not having the time to do all I could do to fix them is frustrating but playing softball five days a week certainly is contributing to the increasing fatigue... suddenly seeking more inspiration as conscious awareness of loneliness has been rising the last few weeks, at least... so step right up, read all about it, I'll get the words out as soon as I can... love me?

Just when I thought I might be back. Right? Yes, so the CBS shows I watch are back so I have shows to watch again... and I've been eating myself stupid again... fat... will power out the window... who cares... nobody outside of my head and the internal caring about me has been turned off temporarily... at least I hope it's just temporarily... I say that every time.

Ok, so that's the daily life. Today. Have fun out there. I'll be waiting.

Narf :)

Back To Life

Sadly, I must accept that many are gone (so many more in their own private gardens that have not breathed in my ear in decades) and even sadder, some who are not gone would rather be gone and forgotten. I am so very sorry it hurts to be here with me and I shall do my best to be as obscure as I can be - but love is the opening door... I'll leave you out of it as challenging as that may be when I just want to shout from rooftops thank you for being, for caring, for inspiring me to believe in love and continue nurturing what little hope I have left that y dreams really can come true in this life. Shhhh, I am trying to understand and hoping my maze obscures my defiance enough to continue living my dream of sharing everything with respect for privacy. If this is a baffling entry, then I may have succeeded. My hope is you are amused at the lengths I will take to compromise even as it may drive us to madness (gleefully, I hope).

This is for all of you who do not wish to be any part of my written gardens. I still love you, even if you do not want me to say so here. I still find, to my delight and chagrin, that I cannot, dare not, will not leave the dream behind. Even if it is all just an illusion.