7:30 - 6

The work hours have extended of late, primarily due to a lot to do, but also because I am doing a lot of personal stuff during the day, like doctor visits. I'll look at the calendar one of these days to be more precise, but I believe I had somewhere between six and eight appointments for medical care this month, maybe more. In any case, in case it matters, I have less time for me and for social life. Not that I have any social life beyond the friends I have had for years. Nothing new, nothing uniquely stimulating, and no love interests. Just the same old fun.

At least it's fun, mostly.

Narf :)

Be Prepared

This morning we carried out the County-wide Hurricane exercise and most everything went smoothly. Many still need to learn or practice on the new communications system, but a usual they will learn during the actual emergency. People are always too busy to prepared properly for emergencies. I did my part, which is practically nothing since they don't respect or give any real responsibility to my role, even though it is a command officer position in the national incident command system structure. Few people think of safety in an emergency (or more importantly, before), which is why more people get hurt or die than necessary. The sad thing is that the emergency planners don't value safety enough. It may be due to some personal friction between my boss and the boss of EM, but anyway, I survive and do as much as I can.

Are we enjoying our Friday?

Narf :)

Sometimes I Just Let Go

Used to be all the time as that is what writing was about for me, the opportunity to remove all the barriers of stress, responsibility, and anything so the thoughts could flow freely anywhere they might. It was very meditative, though often much higher every medication than any meditation you may consider meditation. Much higher energy than yoga. The marathon runner, in the 16th through 22nd mile, may understand a it of what I mean, though the mental freedom reached well beyond that.

Extremely rarely, that experience would be shared and even much ore rarely, that experience was shared intimately. I miss those days of massive energy and enlightenment.

How do you live your life?

Narf :)

Almost Slept

I sat here nodding off, rolled into bed, barely could move or think, and the itching woke me. I should have showered earlier. So I crawled out of bed barely conscious and applied Benadryl cream and then applied zinc oxide cream and and then, I was awake again. So I sat up and played some Toon Blast while semi-watching more of season 9 of the X-Files. I realized that I stopped watching the X-Files somewhere along the way for a number of reasons, but that's another series of stories. Numbers, even. And here we are, making a mockery of standard rules of language, but loving every minute of it, just like Kramer. Or something like that. I miss communication. Anybody want to communicate?

somewhere over the rainbow, perhaps.

Narf :)

Metabolosing

That's a simple way to say my metabolism is losing. ts called dying and we start doing it the moment we are conceived, though for a good number of years we stay ahead of the curve, the body creates more cells than it loses to entropy and disease. The last few times I fasted a day or two, nothing happened. I ate nothing yesterday. I feel more bloated than ever and the pants confirm I am bigger than I was before yesterday. I don't have a reliable scale. The blood pressure at the doctor's office was taken several times and it was 119/75 once. The highest it was was 145/75. Did the meds start working or does waiting for some stranger to stick a tube up my butt calm me?

So how was our day?

Narf lol lam :)

Back For More, Are We?

More what? Abuse? Lament? Depressive complaining? Gas? Certainly, we've got plenty of gas. So the procedure, the sphygy, went well. maybe ten minutes of doctor time, or five, probably cost a thousand bucks or more. An assembly line business. Henry Ford would be proud. I watched and was informed the insides of my lower digestive tract are doing well. There are more hemorrhoids than there were before, but they were not bleeding. I guess that just happens when the poo rubs them the wrong way. Yes, you get a taste of the body blog.

Meanwhile, I am nodding off. Overheating. Way overtired. Still not crazy hungry but definitely low sugar tired on top of minimal sleep tired and dehydrated tired. Probably way hungry, but the bloat squashes the natural hunger for calories. Fuel. Food. So I picked myself up and am baking eggplant parm with cream cheese (which means I am not going to work until noon) and rice. It's kind of a makeshift eggplant rolatini over a rice pilaf since it's the closest thing I have to all pasta (there's orzo in there) and the rice will help de-liquefy my digestive tract.

I turned the air conditioner on for a change. 84 degress is just not right all the time. And the fans. Cooling down. Rent in two days, for an hour I am not just paying his whole mortgage and then some, I am actually spending a little of the rent on my comfort. So there. Dance with the devil in the pale moon light, too. It really is a wonderful life, under it all. lol lam :)

How was your morning?

Narf :)

Not Much (Sleep)

So it's time to shower and clean my butt hole so the doctor can do his procedure. This may be a challenging day since I did not eat for 36 hours and will try to stay awake at work. The digestive system gurgles and I head out the door. These are the fun times I wish someone cared enough to share, ya know? It's tough to face the fact that an emergency contact is no longer willing to fill the role. Next of kin, none. Emergency Contact, none. Family history, none. Who do we call if there is a problem (or if you die), nobody. Medical care reminds me nobody cares that much.

Obviously the brain is depressed from body exhaustion.

Hope I wake up, it's a long drive.

Narf :)

Sleep Please

I was nodding off shortly after drinking the first mag citrate and pushed myself to stay awake to drink water and follow instructions and then the bathroom trips started and that's been keeping me awake for hours now. I hope I can get some sleep tonight. I think I need a little alone time in my head (as opposed to all the alone time I spend outside of my head leading to loneliness of enormous proportions... get the reference?... Hopelessly hopeful romantics might).

Rats.

Hope you are enjoying life, somewhere.

Narf :)

Water Bloat

It's the night before the sphygy (flexible sigmoidoscopy, for the uninformed) and all through the boat there is nothing happening except the bloat. Ok, so I don't live in a boat. At least not yet. I live in a shack that is pretty stinky at the moment, but that's another story. What is impressive is how my bowels and belly can expand. To 10 ounce bottle of Magnesium Citrate and three 20 ounce bottles of water and nothing. Well, nothing but bloat. The bowel is probably waiting for Eb to get home.

Sure enough. Eb arrived here at about about 8:30 PM and promptly occupied the bathroom for almost a half hour and naturally, the bloat was seeking a way out. I almost didn't make it, specially since I had to bleach down the whole toilet and the area (the place has been a lot fouler than usual. I don't even want to imagine how it might get when he has no roommate and is not running for public office.

Anyway, the flow has begun. Could be a long night. Hope I get to sleep a little.

Narf :)

Commentary

There is as much commentary in this daily life blog lately as there is brief snapshots of daily life, which is not what was intended her, but lack of time often leaves me dumping the snippets of thoughts here instead of finding the blog those thoughts are best suited for. We can do better, in case it matters.

Sometimes I wonder if it ever will.

Narf :)

Sad Humans

Mot of my friends are sad humans. I am a sad human. Most people, including most of my friends, deny their sadness. A few spend most of their time complaining about other people and how abused or oppressed they are. Most tune out the seriousness of the lack of boundaries that leads to disrespect and dispute. Mos just want to avoid conflict, even though the very act of avoiding often attracts it. This is the way humans are today. Fear leads to selfishness and that leads to disputes. People threaten people, businesses threaten businesses, countries threaten countries. The courts and court officers flourish as the microcosmic mindsets lead to perspectives that are afraid to see the big picture, so truth is defined in the narrow view of the beholder.

In case it matters, I wish people were not this way.

Narf.

If No One Ever Reads

Sometimes I feel like these words are lost in cyberspace and may never be noticed, never read. I wonder, seriously, how many of the hundreds of thousands of titled writings I've written in this lifetime will ever be read. This blog has over 500 entries and maybe a dozen comments, if that many. The previous daily has almost 7,000 entries and 416 comments, more than half likely me responding to a comment. I have often lamented over the sense of neglect, the abyss of loneliness that comes with the unanswered question - does it matter?.. will it ever? These moments are not filled with lament, they are filled with wonder, with curiosity, with hope for an answer.

If no one ever reads, was this ever here?

Was I?

People Are So Easily Manipulated.

The good news is because Tinman and I arrived about 4:00 PM, the only food was dried our grilled mean sitting exposed next to the grill for who knows how many hours and assorted cheese and pasta and whatever else people brought sitting uncovered on the kitchen counters. Luckily, my rational ind overrode the hunger monster and Tinman and I did not eat anything there. The bad news is we went out for a full rack of ribs (each) and assorted sides. I did have a salad and broccoli, so the four cheese mac n cheese n bacon was, well, I won't order it again because it sucked. Actually, Applebee's service sucked in every way except for the ribs, which were tasty. But then, we were very hungry.

Meanwhile Harpo got to be the center of attention the rest of the evening as his rant was to everyone sitting at the table playing cards. Awkward. Sarducci said "you don't want to read it" to me which naturally had everyone looking at their phones for the next five minutes and I asked if they wanted me to leave. A flurry of denials and shuffling of cards, but I pointed out that they were doing exactly what Harpo wanted, being manipulated into making him the center of attention and making me the villain for pointing out that is what he does to them all the time. I listened to a few hours of apologies and excuses for Harpo, even as they admitted they were hurt by his behavior early and didn't even realize they ignore how he does it all the time. Sad for him, for them, and me.

But the ribs were very good.

Narf :)

Well That Was Sudden.

Harpo, such a wonderful character. Apparently my recent rebellion has popped his cock as my pointing out how insensitive her can be trying to help others hurts people and drives friends away and that makes him cry, so he ought to want to stop, right? OCD is a scary monster to confront. After repeatedly treating a couple of people with his help, I saw frustration and hurt feelings so I pointed it out. He bolted from Sarducci's place and squealed off in his car, then wouldn't answer his phone, but ranted in a Facebook PM about how mean I am to him and how he's no longer my friend.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Narf...

I Wasn't Awake Yet

Last entry excuse. So now why am I heading out to meet Tinman for lnnch and at Perkins when the last thing I need is good old American fattening food? Free meal for the holiday, but more, socializing. I'll be going to Sarducci's after the free bacon, eggs, and pancakes to socialize more as Saducci does the whole holiday barbecue thing. Sitting for hours playing cards and games and eating all the time. Sure sounds like America to me. Cynicism? Don't know the meaning of the word. Obviously. Sarcasm, that I may have a little clue about. Stop me before I die of laughter.

Seriously. Lol lam sigh.

Narf :)

Sometimes

Sometimes? I sure have become sometimesy, but is that what I mean just leaving the word there without any following words? Maybe. Sure is a sometimesy title. Then again, George turned Something into a whole lot more. I think I've been trying to do that with Nothing the whole time. Irony. Or something.

Narf lol lam :)

Shift

There was when I would write a hundred rhymes a month or more, some months several hundred rhymes. I called them rhymes. They could be called lyrics or poems or rap by others. Metered lines rhyming at the end of each line. There was one purpose to my writing and that was to find the words that would save the world. To express the hope for humankind to find the love within the heart and let that love overcome the fear that divides us. Somewhere along the way, some time during the last decade or two, there was a major shift in focus. The purpose of my writing today seems to be to find the words to complain about the human experience, the loneliness, the lack of appreciation, the ignorance, an the fear at the root of it all. Somehow, the hope wanes and the belief in humanity is disappearing. The will to save the world fades.

The written gardens have become opinions and complaints in blogs and other strangers.

I wonder where we'll go from here.

Narf :)

Yes, I know

Sometimes (oh, did you read the last entry?), the vent just has to happen. The clarity of expressing the reality of life and death and how we get there in every decision we make after birth is a good place to be, but when avoiding the daily suicidal behavior considered the norm for most of humanity, it sometimes requires a step through the whine puddle to get there. Bitch, moan, clarity.

Works for me lol lam :)

Narf :)

Sharing a Bathroom

Even in the best of circumstances, sharing a bathroom can be an awkward and uncomfortable experience. The timing just can't always be perfect. I've shared a bathroom more in the past two years than I have in this entire lifetime and the infections, fungus, and other deterioration can be linked directly to the environment. More than two years without air conditioning in Florida. The perfect medium for mold and all sorts of other microscopic killers. Add in sharing the space with someone with extremely poor hygiene and no boundaries and I might as well stop trying so hard to survive and enjoy the rest of this life because the fact is this body has aged more in the last few years than it has in the rest of the life.

Who cares.

Narf.

Eating

I sometimes get bored, I often get tired. Boredom comes less often because I amuse myself well and I am amused easily). Tired comes daily as the body requires sleep to function at optimal levels. I do get bored engaging in the same activity for too long, day after day. I tired of repetition eventually, except in a few areas. Writing, food, and love. I rarely tire of or get bored with writing (I suppose that is because I rarely tired or get bored with myself so even when the world outside my head offers the same patterns for too long, I close my eyes and watch my world unfold before me). I get tired of or bored with food even less often. Almost never. I don't recall a time, but never is probably not true. Love, the ream of it, the sharing of caring, helping, giving, that I don't think I've ever gotten bored with, though it is possible I have tired of limitation or superficial love. What I do tire of is working so hard to find ways to love people. I tired of the fears and walls and defenses and cruelties people use to keep honest love away. So I suppose eating is the activity I resort to most often since it does not require another living thing (it only requires the dead things I eat). No wonder I am dying lol.

Gotta love this life, at least until it's over, it's all we've got. :)

And love, even alone, is better than not love. :)

Narf :)

So What To Do?

I took the day off and wasted it, eight hours of my PTO, semi-vegging with The X-Files in the background (maybe if I paid atention, or maybe this could help), wandering Facebook and the internet and uploading articles and pictures to my pages, and talking to Harpo. So naturally I ate. And ate some more. Shrimp, clams, and rice for a late lunch-dinner. A lot. More a midnight approached. Then swiss rolls. Lots of water. Boredom, sadness, loneliness.

How was your day? lol lam...

Narf :)

Astounding, But No Surprise

I still feel the amazement when people do careless or cruel things. I am still surprised, even, but I get past the surprised much more quickly as the years pass. That is a sign of depression, the loss of hope for humanity to be good and kind and peaceful. And just a little consideration. So I was supposed to be playing ball in Atlanta in the morning. The team that asked me said they rent a mini-bus to drive up, pay for the hotel, and for the tournament. Sounded great and they seemed to be thrilled since they've been asking me to join them for years. After not hearing from anyone on the team about arrangements, I texted the team manager. No response. Whatever the reason, they suck. I turned down two other teams because they asked me first and they screwed me over. According to the tournament website, the team did not go. I could have gone with another team if they would have had the courtesy to tell me. Pissants. Putain!

Their loss, they'll be last on the list of teams I'll sub for now.

Yeah, assholes.

Narf.

Day Off, Way Off

Vegetating because, well, I don't want to think about it. This life is full of highs and lows and I've had some of the most amazing highs alone and with others, between the distractions and depressions and the horrible things people do. Today is not one of them and I am vegging in front of the TV lonely and tired and wondering, one again, why I trust people.

I have time for me, but I don't want to think, screwed again.

back to the distractions, feel free to join in.

Narf :)

Ummmmm, And?

Very strange. The team that wants me to pitch for them in an Atlanta tournament has not contacted me and I got no response from the team manager and since the plan was to drive up together and they had hotel arrangements made and it's getting late to let me know where to meet them and way too late to go with another team and since two other teams asked me to go and I said no (and they may not have gone because they couldn't find a pitcher who would travel and one of those teams was the team who won the Dallas tournament with me pitching). I don't think I want to think about it anymore.

Narf.

Time to Pack

Strange that I have not heard from the team that asked me to sub in as their pitcher for the Atlanta tournament. After they asked, two other teams asked but I gave the first who asked first dibs. Since they are going to pay my way, it works best for me even though the other teams have a better chance of winning and are more fun. Free is good for the budget. A load of laundry and packing an then getting some sleep. Excited... as I said this morning, I really miss softball. Hopefully the weather will cooperate.

Make your weekend fun too :)

Narf :)

Tournament Ahead

I have work today, but mostly I am looking forward to the softball tournament starting tomorrow. I miss playing so much. The Sunday league ended early due to weather and poor management, I mean, what used to be a 15 week season shrunk down to an eight week season with one week at a park that does not have any social graces for a big league. The social aspect of the Sunday league is dying because the people running the league are not interested in it. So this weekend and two day tournament in Atlanta is my only softball for a while except for the Monday night league which has been rained out for a couple of weeks and is not happening this week due to the holiday. The spirit and head needs the softball fix and the body needs the exercise. Seriously needs it. Good timing for a tournament.

Off the the work day... with most of my head.

Narf :)

Never Is a Very Long Time

Much longer than these lives we live, the point was and still is, always, to never give up, never surrender. Never give up on love, never surrender to fear. This is another one of those months where I actualize this philosophy in words. So many meaningless words just to keep in touch (the indomitable KIT, just to continue being here, reaching out, hoping, maintaining a presence just in case someone stops in to say hello, or meet me. I want to be thee the moment a friend shows interest, old or new, I don't want to miss any chance of sharing, caring, meaningful communication.

Like the who down in Whoville, we are here, we are here, we are here.

I just want to be part of a we again.

Narf :)

Toon Blast

Ok, so the doctor and I agreed my labs are sick, not good sick, bad sick. Glucose, A1C, Cholesterol, Triglycerides, and too many other things way too high. So we agreed I must make serious changes in diet and exercise. So tonight I ate eggplant parm with extra butter, cream cheese, mozzarella, and followed it up with a large piece of seriously decadent chocolate mousse cream fudge cake. Then I played Toon Blast for three straight hours, maybe four, maybe more. I have almost a hundred stars. Now I am typing and glancing up at The X-Files. I can die happy.

Alone, but happy.

Narf :)

Just Look At The Time

Of course I could have written this, but then, I've never agreed with the psychology books. Just as I am eating myself to death when I know it doesn't help me find my dream, I am still as addicted to love as ever and even without the maximum dosages for more than two decades, I am still ready, willing, and supposedly able (test me, I dare ya) to dive into the fall completely.

You have to experience it to understand.

Narf :)

Good Doctor

I may have gotten lucky today. Last week a doctor I waited for four months to see gave me an impatient uncaring vib, had assistants who did not know basic medical technique, sent me on a wild goose chase for medication, would not answer the phone (no one, with twenty people working at this big clinic) when the pharmacy called twice to clarify the electronic prescription that was never even shown, and then would not give me the medicine I need. Today, a doctor I was able to see in two business days in a private practice with excellent staff (though one less than pleasant nurse, ARNP-C, who condescended more than I'd like, but the doctor came in and said she'd take over and cleared that up and spent at least forty five minutes with me after closing time) and I left with the medication I needed, a year's supply.

Yay dumb luck (though I did choose her out of hundreds).

Narf :)

Just For The Sake of Distraction

Here? Well, yes, anywhere, but the fact is I do have a blog for that, several, many, in fact. Yet here I sit filling this blog with random nonsense and whiny complaints and lonely laments (there are blogs for those and lot more subjects and topics and paths as well) mostly because I am so lonely I want someone to notice me and I figure if I keep pouring words and entries out here on the web, maybe someone will notice. All I want is a little attention. And love.

Wait a minute, this isn't distraction. The title lied, this is more like confession.

Oh well, narf :)

Bad Me

Referring to the labs, because I made them. I could eat healthier. I know this body and I know when I do something to hurt it, even when it is fun and pleasurable in the moment. Naturally I mean food. Drugs and alcohol could be the way some kill themselves and of course there are many more ways, but I stopped playing with drugs a long time ago and I stopped alcohol even before that and food remains, well, because we've got to eat to survive, right? Well, even if we didn't, who'd want to give up that sensory pleasure? I mean, before we leave this physical existence, right?

So I really need to eat differently. Less calories. More fresh foods. Less sugar. Less fat. Less rich creamy delicious sauces and cheeses and spices and... mostly less calories. When my only partner in this life is food, I overindulge. Maybe that's why I don't have a partner.

Ohhhh boink! and profound narf. :)

Bad Labs

Not unexpected at all and caring less than ever, so let's see if the new doctor tomorrow will have any influence. I have cookies and cake and M&Ms and pasta and cheese and crunchies and more chocolate and more cheese and over and over I play this silly game and exercise less and watch TV and write less and listen to less music and don't sleep enough and eat too much and waaay too much sugar and who cares, I mean, really, who cares. Am I even asking? Am I too stubborn to let anyone stop me? Of course I am, but I have been persuaded before. There is no one close enough in this life who cares enough to even try. We're all gonna die.

In case it matters.

Whatever.

Right?

Narf.

Busy Weekend

I was out Saturday from 8:00 AM past midnight (to past sunrise Sunday morning and then, after sleeping about two hours, headed across town for lunch and to see Jane in a show. I am just getting back here, sleepy, nodding, but socialized. Enough to satisfy the superficial hunger for human contact. The deeper loneliness is eating away at strength, hope, and life more than ever, but food momentarily distracted the mind from the death spiral so I enjoyed the show. I won some free tickets because I identified the killer and the motive (the show was a murder mystery). The excitement continues to build, m'ok?

Are you listening?

Narf :)

Sunrise, Again

Yes, the sun is up and I am just sitting down here to catch up a bit on the day. Other entries are bound to pop up (and in) between the last few days and today, but for the moment let's say it was a good day in spite of losing softball, cheating teams, umpires that bent the rules in favor of the cheaters, food splurging, a brief nap at Harpo's, and six or seven (or was it eight) hours of playing games (video and cards) at there after the nap. Now if I will just make time to flesh it out, get back to the dirt, drama, and details, and catch up with myself I might not need reminders.

Good morning, good morning, yeah.

Narf :)

Need a Body Update

Apparently the leg never actually did heal and there's been an infection brewing under the skin since early February thanks to the ball that hit me harder than any in the last ten years. I still suspect I had a bone injury that was missed by the PA who saw me at the clinic and the C.Diff cut the antibotics short so, once again, did it to myself. Modern medical care is the oxymoron of our generation because doctors do not care and their priorities actually kill people, legally, to protect them from lawyers. Sue, always blaming the lawyers.

This is just a reminder to get back in touch with myself.

Narf :)

Modern Death

If this is the last entry you see for a while, come back December 1, 2020, and you'll see my farewell. It's nothing special, just a farewell.

Until then, check the dirt, drama, and details.

Narf :)

And The References

Who gets them, not just the links (I mean, who really follows them all... only the one and the closest family, but where are you know, oh wonderkin {or wonderkind} of a sorted sort), but the lyrical references so neatly (or haphazardly) tucked away in the babbling (or mini-babbling here when the babbler doesn't get his babble time elsewhere, alas. So I am sleeping inconsistently lately due to less exercise, more body maladies, more stress, and the usual loneliness, but perhaps also more thoughts of dying alone... was that pain and numbness in the left arm this afternoon or was it just a funny bone making a bad joke... time may tell, right? The flurry of filler entries before and after this one could be telling, but then, if I told you that would be telling, so lets just mosey on along as if nothing happened. The ridiculousness of humanity only gets worse when you try to trust and interact with the humans.

Someday I won't be alone in my loneliness.

Narf :)

These Links

When I close my eyes... of course. With the babbling blog shut down for lack of time, the abstract and seemingly random references and distractions slide into this blog. That's what happened to (e)thereal and all the others. This one was protected by it's big goofy brother, but the big guy fell asleep lately and hibernating mad babbler is no good for a clean cut blog of clever brevity. Just the facts, ma'am, just ain't gonna happen without an outlet for the energy of the eternal infinity that still brews, sometimes simmers, even in still silence.

You know the old story... with an eerie twist... darkness on the edge, shadows where I stand, I search for the time on a watch with no hands... oh Bernie, how I love your genius...

you know you've gotta have heart...

and narf :)

What's In Retrograde?

If you look at the last few entries (not the fillers, but the chronological entries, f you are clever enough to find them), then you may see that this month marked an almost serious return to when I was small... as the First of May rolled 'round, This blog, for one thing, is being filled in and others follow in line, waiting in the queue, anticipating the random retrospection analysis that only comes once in a while. Year pass, the memory fills with data, the data coalesces into memory or sludge. Hopefully the floodgates are opened before the sludge thickens to a point where it dams the mind and that is what the current process is working to avoid.

One two three, what are we fighting for?

Some times it works better than others.

In case it matters.

Narf :)

Absence

I believe I was out all night and did't arrive back here until after sunrise, but the absence of exploding literary diarrhea, no less entries (then again, definitely less entries), s indicative of one of two things (among many other things, but one of two big things, though occasional both... what?). Start again. Either I am happily distracted with so much love and fun activity that there's no time to write... or I am hustling distraction by work that leaves no time to write... or I am sadly despressed or distressed and distracted by inner turmoil so there's no clarify or literary cohesion in the cranial capacitators leaving motivation and creativity waning in a barren dessert without hope or folly.

Right, you choose.

Narf :)

Another Saturday Night Alone

So in re-reading 2014 (which has been occupying the mind and time for the past week and I'm only halfway through), slowly, gradually, and while I do I find a long time companion blog filling in at least monthly missing spaces from 2014 and 2015 there as if it matters, as if it matters. It's got to matter to someone, right? There's always hope. There is so much of me (real and imaginary) in so many places online. Did I mention so many places online? Huh?

Narf lol :)

How Can It Be? (Gone?)

No, not gone, actually, still relatively lost in memories as I re-read 2014 in the previous daily as I catch up in other blogs that have their specific purposes (for example). It was a time when challenges and yet, even amidst the painful betrayal of trust and realization of that I once again was being used, there was still moments of love and fun. Why do I always seem to find people who find it so challenging to face themselves, be real, and share their emotions to live with when I wear almost my entire heart on my sleeve most of the time?

A question for the ages. Or aged. LOL.

Narf :)

Maybe I was Brooding

Do you brood? Perhaps I was brooding in silence as I wandered through the memories of promises broken and the emptiness left. There was also a lot of smiling tears and missing fun times and and falling into myself and while that brings on loneliness and sadness because I desperately want to share myself from down deep, I also love myself down deep an it's euphoric and sometimes cathartic to visit me now and then. Often the visits lead to explosions of words and creativity an revelation and profundity and sometimes it leads to silence.

We'll decide which of those times these times are some time.

Narf :)

Time Keeps On Slipping

Like a blink, time can pass so quickly it can be amazing when I notice. Almost a whole week of work and where have I been? Heck if I know. There once was a thing. Recently, there was this other thing. It all started on the first of may, or just before, and maybe this thing brought us to pause. For whatever reason, I started reading somewhere in October or November 2014 and paused here mostly because the free time ran out, I think. Or maybe maybe here Actually, it was more likely right here were the pause paused. We all could use a little catchup, right?

I mean, in case it matters to you.

Narf :)

There Was Nothing Here

So I dropped these words here just to mix everyone up, to confuse the purpose of this blog, to shake myself up, to continue the desperately hopeful attempt to be out here in cyberspace as much a possible so the one might find me.

There are so many reasons in the changing seasons and so many ways to pas all the days and in the brief moment we can choose to own it or leave it for chance because it's our dance so do what you want to or missed steps will haunt you and you may see answers where there's only dancers with age our illusions can become delusions and fool us to thinking or even some drinking in impulse reaction or (squirrel) random distraction I time we may see things maybe even be things but only you know it if you don't show it so let your light shine and you can find mine...

The best advice I can give anyone for the moment is never give up, never surrender, but in another moment the best advice might be love, love, love, so it's you're thing, do what you want to do and to your own self be true and try not to hurt anyone and maybe we can share some fun.

Now this is here.

Narf :)

Amazement Just Keeps Swimming

In whatever color eyes we might find ourselves in when we come into this world, or wake up, for that matter, proof that I was not really here or there either, in case you were paying attention whenever the moment returns to expose memory of when it last began or the time it began before that or that beginning that began before that last one or that time before that beginning began when an even more previous beginning began (and we could go back even further, but I just showered and really must put on deodorant at this moment in time in the current present of this writing {which would be different from the current present of your reading}, for that matter {in case it matters, whenever the moment inspires us to believe, ya know}, but so I'll just pause here) But oh the linkage that could be and the places we could go).

Later, Nothing Became Something

Some time before the month ended, I was reviewing this merry little month and decided I was not here enough, so I returned to the scene of nothing and created this little something just so there would be something here and you might even be able to say you've finally seen something made of nothing.

You had to be here.

Narf :)

Lost in Memories

From the first dream through the many years to the present moment (whenever that may be I the relativity of time and space and reality and fantasy and memory and illusion and so on and so forth), I still can love getting lost in memories, every year. The internet archives billions (soon to be trillions) of web pages and for someone who's been putting words and more on the web for more than two decades (I haven't seen bulletin boards archived, so I couldn't say three decades), that is a gold mine of memories. So many memories, so little time (time after time).

Time passes, life passes, I drift away.

Narf :)

Stepping Fool

Yes, another 30,000 step day (36,000+ actually) thanks to a few more hours of stepping it up tonight. Stepping while shopping. Stepping while cooking. Stepping with the X-Files. Stepping in the heat, phew. Stepping all alone, but still, part of a team, part of more than 200 steppers, part of a good thing. Getting healthier, moving more, and in my case, in spite of the current haphazard diet. The night comes, fatigue comes, loneliness comes, sigh.

Keep stepping fool.

Narf :)

Gardening

Ah, this is good, mostly. A wonderful afternoon of Harry Chapin music and all the memories and emotions that comes with listening (and a little singing, but Eb has been napping all afternoon so I've tried to keep it quiet. I miss having my own space I can call home and relax and kick back and actually live my life in, but whatever, right, deal with reality and save $ better (cuz that's not going as well as I'd like, but that's not where we will take this entry even though we've already, nevermind). This is the reality and the emo roller coaster Harry can inspire.

Also gardening the written gardens is magical.

Narf :)

An Afternoon With Harry

No phone calls so far so I am enjoying Harry music and catching up on my table of contents as it feels good when I record all the writings I write in a night linkable list of sorts (I have not uploaded the past year and a half, but updating the text file is a step in that direction). Spending a few moments (or longer) in each of the 100+ blogs is good for the memory and spirit and life. I remembered the Harry writings I wrote long ago.

A good afternoon with Harry and me.

Narf :)

Whatever Happens Happens

Maybe Rasputin will call, maybe Helen will call, maybe someone else will cal... maybe I'll just sit here writing and relaxing and whatever. The latter sounds appealing, but I am pen to whatever. I am in the mood for music and, in fact, in the mood for some Harry Chapin, so on goes youtube and a Harry Chapin mix put together by youtube that I saw recently and made note of in my mind. Some writing, some steps yes, must get the steps going, and maybe some food. Whatever may happen as the day moves along, starting with music is good.

Saturday, not in the park.

Narf :)

Sleeping Eh

I did sleep, just not as many hours as the body and mind would like. The decision to skip the short jog/walk I had started adding to my morning. I am going back to sleep for another few hours, dangit, because I can. Saturday mornings are for sleeping, even though softball calls louder than ever. If they only played closer that a 30 minute drive and on a better field.

What's you're Saturday morning gonna be?

Narf :)

More Steps, More TV

This step thing is getting challenging and not just physically, but the time lost from sleep and writing is not sitting well with most of my brain. I am never in a great place when there is no time for creativity, even when get plenty of sleep. The lack of softball probably eats at my happiness reserves too, but hey, this hour of the night is usually either euphoria or depression. This is the peak time for the emotional roller coaster that is life for anyone aware and in touch with the emotional roller coaster this life can be.

Yeah, something like that.

lol narf :)

Silly Fourth

As in the 4th b w/u. the4thbw/u. I wonder if that would make for a good password. Not anymore, aye? Several text messages today mentioned the fourth and the franchise. I need some sort of force as I keep stepping. Step, step, step, step, step, step, step. A day of pushing, the mind is tired, the focus is weak, but the steps continue. Wish someone was here to share the fun.

Keeping hope alive...

Narf :)

Stepping Crazy

That's all I've been doing this week, stepping steps and more steps. Reaching for the 200,000 mark ain't easy, but I am definitely on track and still not hurting, but definitely need more than the few hours sleep I've been getting. Dinner was soup and chicken and meatballs and sauces and yummy. TV was CBS shows to keep my mind occupied while I stepped. Writing isn't easy while stepping. Wishing for someone to share is all that the mind produces while stepping sometimes.

Just keep swimming, hoping, wishing.

Narf :)

Busy Afternoon

Fatigue and an out of office distraction kept e from high productivity today, but I got some done. One of our contractors left some holes in the ground out at one of our libraries that were very poorly secured (or "safed up" as our crews call it) and being that it was a library, I had to chase down several people so it wouldn't be left as it was for long and most of the people I needed were off today. It was taken care of, just took a lot of calls and that didn't help the focus on the desk work.

Some days are better off to be days off lol.

Narf :)

Cake For Lunch

Sugar high, blood pressure high, foolish dietary choices, but that's what is available in the fridge. Leftover cake from the big boss's going away party. The big boss is going to be the City Manager in another nearby city. The cake was so much sugar, I almost got nappy after (yes, my sugar level is way too high and I really must do something about it, so I am starting to take cinnamon and apple cider vinegar again, at least. Hopefully the digestive system will regain it's balance one of these days.

Steps, keep the feet moving and pile on those steps.

Narf :)

Late Morning

Getting to work 15 minutes early seems late lol. Apparently the boss won't be here today so the mice will play. I've got a desk full of work and not enough time to do it, but one piece of paper at a time. And the steps, keep stepping. Wake up and focus (and have some fun).

Hi ho, you know?

Narf :)

Sleeping Quickly

This is gonna be another short sleep night, sleeping quickly, it is a night for seriously concentrated sleep. If only sleep can in a can. It's not insomnia, it's not that I have trouble sleeping, it's the brain that does not want to sleep. The brain wants to continue thinking, creating, playing games, communicating, sharing caring loving, being aware of being alive.

Is that too much to ask?

Narf :)

Crossing Midnight

Steps, stepping steps, more steps. Watching some CBS TV, CBS TV has become so inconsistent and intermittent, I am losing interest in all of the CBS shows. Foolish programming choices, CBS, very foolish programming choices. Even Dr. Who, with it's fifty years of avid fandom, loses people with such intermittent scheduling. Still, it keeps my mind occupied while I am stepping. Stepping across midnight. Heading for 200,000. Gonna lay down soon, but getting those steps in.

What about you?

Narf :)

Singing German Songs

A fine digestive aid. Most go for the beer, I go for the food and atmosphere. Oy, oy, oy. Hollerbach's Willow Tree Cafe, right down the road from here, and 11 people gathered for a feast and music and fun. And the music was a show because while on guy played the accordion, the other guy played several dozen other instruments, including the saw and cowbells. Yup, good old fashioned county German cuisine and atmosphere. Fun times with people I haven't seen in years. Rasputin, remember him? He flew in for the graduation. Her mom was there, her grandparents, co-worker friend, her best friend from high school and more. Such a proud uncle I was (that's how she introduced me to the two people I didn't know, her former co-workers). It's a wonderful thing to see a child grow and succeed.

Note I did not say grow up. At east not completely. Never!

Narf lol :)

Pessimists Are So Tiresome

And we've got a couple or few at our meeting and today one just would not relent. Let's earn from this, people, if you want to fail, give pessimists a voice. Paranoids are more apt to succeed than pessimists, just look at the current resident of the White House, USA, 2018. Humanity is so very self-destructive. Still, I heard mostly good things at the meeting and we just may succeed in spite of the nay-sayers. Sharing information, rather than venting frustration, is the way to go. Most seem to be getting that. The office-dwellers are the tough sell. A bit too entitled and impatient, so give it time.

Stayed at the meeting place to get some more work done and now, heading back to drop off the car change my shirt, and meet Precious and her family and friends to celebrate her graduation, finally, and she definitely did it the hard way. She's looking for a job as a high school history teacher. So proud I am.

Optimists are so much more successful people (and fun to be around).

Narf :)

Wasted Lunch and Endless Meetings

Yeah, so I was at my desk way earlier than the previous entry. Working on the documents for the cause, the Health & Safety Committee. Too many documents, too much data to compile, too little time. Especially when boss sets up a meeting with the senior administrator and senior investigator of the tax office for this morning and then, sends me off to represent us without him. Excellent reviews from the tax man followed to boss and me, cha cha cha, but now, no time to do one of the reports I was to do.

I ate lunch instead. $13+ on the Publix buffet. Remind me not to do it again. Better food and a lot more of it at any Chinese buffet for less money, especially for lunch. It was edible, but overcooked and not hot and just plain eh. Definitely wasted lunch.

On to the big monthly meeting now.

Narf :)

Dragging Myself Awake

So the healing power of sleep brings the body back intact and without pain, but the brain still wants more sleep. Still, I have much to do at the desk, so I am out of here and off to see the wizard, or my desk, whichever comes first. I must get a little wizard for my desk. Sad, I do not decorate my desk or office anymore. The last three bosses I had cured me of any illusion that my work space was mine. Alas, let's not go back there, there's work to be done today.

Hi Ho! And all that jazz.

Narf :)

Deep In Slumber

The curing power of sleep. Without the BP meds. Without the support of a companion. Without comforts or security or sanitary conditions. Just me and sleep, alone in my dreams. Yup, the whipporwills sing, the parade passes by, and for so long there's been no one to look me in the eye. I just keep swimming, wishing, hoping... and dreaming.

And still, it turns me on.

Narf :)

Not So Fast, But Asleep

Yup, the stamina wanes, the body struggles, but the sleep smothers me in healing and just like yesterday, I hope to wake up without pains or aches or stiffness tomorrow. I am surprised there is no lingering reactions that solid sleep cannot erase. Regeneration has slowed considerably, but it still happens overnight. Sure, I am not pushing the body even a fraction as much as I used to, but inch by inch I am resisting aging. The mind is a terrible thing to waste, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who loves you?

Narf :)

Suddenly, Asleep

Just like that, poof, and I wasn't fighting it tonight. So this entry will continue another time. I did get to the elliptical and piled on some serious steps, more than 15,000, so that's the 100,000 for the first three days of the week, but oh, did I need sleep. Coming back here now I am amazed I even sat up with the computer to open this window. Breathe. Care.

You?

Narf :)

About Now

About now I was concerned about the step count. Not even 10,000 and it's late afternoon. Couldn't just put on the running shoes and get four or five thousand this morning, could you? No, you just had to make this challenging. So the elliptical may save me if I can stay upright. Why isn't anybody right here beside me cheering me on as we come to the home stretch? You can do this!

You too, ya know?

Narf :)

Driving and Stepping

Does tapping the foot while driving count as steps? Driving should equate to steps, right? Come on now, there work to be done and sleep to be caught up on, who has time for all these steps if you are not a runner who can get 20,000 steps in on a coffee break. Ok, a lunch break. I used to be able to do that. It's just 10 miles an hour, a 6 minute mile. Heck, I've done sub 5 minute miles more than a few times. I've done 15 miles in 90 minutes. That would be 30,000 steps. Today, I can barely get in 8,000 steps in an hour. Thank goodness for conversions and determination. I've been walking 2-3 hours a day in addition to the work-walking and other walking. Gotta step it up to 4 hours a day, come on now, do it!

I'll write more next week.

If I survive.

Narf lol :)

Busy Work Day Ahead

A fine excuse for not doing the morning jog/walk, NOT! Alas, nobody is perfect, excuses, excuses, blah blah blah. Where the hell did that horse get off to now? Anyway, heading into work now, so much to do there, so little time. Wish there was someone here to help, but I am slacking too easily alone, so why should anyone care if I don't. Because I do, and I can't be the only one, that would be so very sad for the world. Someone care like I do,, and more.

Please?... Sigh...

Narf :)

So What I Did Was

I picked myself up and put on my socks and running shoes and went outside for a walk, that's right, s few thousand more steps before midnight. Made more than 33,000 for the day on the pedometer and that doesn't include the steps without the pedometer which happens when I get on the elliptical (the pedometer doesn't record accurately on that) or swimming or softball or other work that does not involved much walking (like the painting I did a couple of weeks ago).

Of course I am sleeping at the time of this entry, gotta wake up and step up again tomorrow. I will make 200,000 steps this week, I will, I will.

What's new in your life?

Narf :)

Steps & Family

Made it to 26,000. The trouble is that leaves little time for writing or anything else. This is the last week though and I know there are a several teams gunning for us because we've been in first place since the first week. I'm going to hit 200,000 steps this week. I am going to hit 100,000 during the day tomorrow. Determination.

Meanwhile, without time for myself to process, all I can do is blink in semi-disbelief as I observe the way Jackson reached out to me today. She really needed to talk and I am the only one she felt comfortable enough to confide in. She's ok, just torn emotionally and has some serious thoughts to think and ponder and decide about in her life. Finally, she sought me out as the big brother she never had.

One way, but still it is so wonderfully rewarding to be there for her as family, as trusted as the best friend and big brother I always wanted to be.

Mush.

Moving Paper

While I did get thousands of steps in, today was an office and paper pushing day. Two big stacks moved from my desk to the the boss and when I left a few minutes ago he was still there reviewing them. The sad thing is all we do is push the paper around, we don't have a functional database that can analyze the data. I do it all in my head like the old days. Government work.

Someday I'll share it all.

Narf :)

So Much To Do

Sometimes it just feels like busy work. All the monitoring and such. I wonder if it really keeping anyone safer than they would be without all the monitoring. Regularly pushing the body to walk and walk more, 26,000 steps a day is the goal, at work and play. Investigation was the major task for the mid-day, photographs, interviews, piecing together what likely happened. The phone blew up with texts from the game folk, as usual. And the phone call from Jackson, the trust I wondered about for so long.

Just letting it all happen.

Narf :)

Medical Industry

Sometimes, even the apparently good doctors suck. So I show up early for my appointment and find out the doctor will not be in and my appointment was rescheduled for two hours later and they claim they didn't have a telephone number to notify me and I have to fill out all the new patient paperwork again so I wrote on the paperwork that I want a HIPAA investigation by the hospital Risk Manager to determine if there was a HIPAA breach that should have been reported because I have hospital records from several different doctors in a computer system that I have access to and my phone number and all my medical information is right there. Not to mention that I called last week to confirm the appointment and spoke to more than one person and no one mentioned not having my number and they sent the lab paperwork to the lab and I had my blood tests done so what happened between last week and this week?

The Center Administrator came out to apologize and explained there was an error and there was no HIPAA breach (being a licensed health care risk manager has it's perks) and the intake girl was mistaken about my record missing my phone number (weak excuse for not calling that some patients might not question) and all my records are intact and safe and the doctor recently changed his hours and I should have been notified, especially since I called to confirm and was sent for blood work for this appointment and I let her know she did exactly what I teach medical managers to do and thanked her for a professional and honest conversation.

Unfortunately, the doctor would not give me a script for the BP meds so I'll just go without them until I decide how to get more. Whatever, I made an appointment for 8 weeks and I made another appointment with the GI Specialist and now, here we are, and soon, off to work I go. I checked email and there's nothing too pressing at work that can't wait until I get there.

Good morning, aye?

Narf. :}

Waking Tired

But what did I expect, continuing the exercise right up to midnight and kicking more steps yesterday than I had in any other single day except for the tournament days. Good news is I showered last night so got an extra hour of sleep because I am skipping the jog this morning. Back to it tomorrow, please. I am heading to the blood doctor now with hope of getting some of the medical care the medical profession pushed on me (BP meds) as well as the medical care I need. Must find that primary doctor, dammit.

So are we communicating yet?

Narf :)

Oh My Wow

Certainly, I really should be sleeping (is this were we came in? lol), but then, just look at the date and consider the massive exercise and optimism and motivation and hope that yesterday was and then add the wonder of Jackson reaching out to me using the words need a big brother is there any wonder that this happened?

You can find more in the details, just like old times lol. :)

Narf :)

When You Least Expect It

I'm gonna send you back in time, just to the very recent past at first, because you really ought to read some of the recent writings and that link has some links to some words I hope you read, if you care, if it matters, if as if. Then, I will shake the sudden bandango (whatever that means) and alert the war room to clear off the table for the excitement and motivation I just might make out of Jackson asking for a big brother talk tomorrow. All those doubts about whether she would turn to me as big brother if she really needed something emotionally (and not just financially or physically) may be proven, empirically, wrong tomorrow. My choice, of course, and the crash after will hurt, but hey, that's what the roller coaster is all about, in case you didn't know.

In fact, I put clothes back on and went out for more steps, just saying.

Narf. :)