Scheduling

I suppose I need a schedule. Or a plan (and there's still a large part of me in charge of living this life who looks at me and asks what does that mean? and continues along before I even begin to look for an answer because I am usually not interested in knowing. Plans are for other people. Schedules too). Still, when living with a family, especially with a kid of that age where her demands are met instantaneously by edict from god or something, my impulses must wait. Like eating dinner when I get home from work. So I came here instead.

This is actually right on time, this occupation of the kitchen by the taco-maker (tacos take multiple burners and most of the counter, after all), because I am bloated and definitely should skip dinner tonight. I have been over-doing the calories for most days in the past few weeks and it is time to not only put the brakes on, but shift into reverse again. A full week of low calorie days is definitely in order. Of course that might have been my choice tonight if the choice felt like mine, but it doesn't, so the rebel child in me wants to cook now. I really need to be more lazy. LOL LAM LAA...

I shouldn't be laughing, huh

So what else is new?

Narf :)

Turning Corners

Complete and unconditional happiness alone, that may be finally happening. All through this life (as the blogs attest so often), my happiness was incomplete. It was always missing the one. The partner, the soulmate, the playmate, the other person who would share everything. In the past few months, especially in the recent weeks, the longing for the one has been so minimal its gone unnoticed. Perhaps that is why I have not been writing, or at least one big reason. Perhaps I am just avoiding, in denial, repressing, suppressing, disassociating, or some such mental trick to leave me with the impression that I am over (as if love is something to "get over" the fairy tale dream of falling in love and sharing life with a partner. The usual sadness and grumpiness and complaining that sprays throughout my writings does not seem to be appearing though, unless we consider pondering it's disappearance a form of complaining lol. Some might, but then, some always seem to see the glass as half empty.

Maybe I've given up on the dream in this life. If I did, I don't seem sad about it, maybe for the first time. No one seems to be interested in sharing it with me. Maybe no one is ready to. We are a rather infantile species, emotionally, after all. I don't know if I'll get another chance I wonder if all the words will mean anything to someone someday. This roller coaster ride of a life has not always been easy (understatement, as usual, as I briefly, but still viscerally, recall the years on the street and sleeping in the car waiting for someone to stop using me and the story is long and winding), the shared bliss moments have been fleeting and perhaps, false, yet the bliss reigns supreme inside the mind that contains the me I know as me in this life.

Waiting for someone to share it has been a futile effort. That seems to be the difference. I am no longer waiting, I am living n the moment as I've always done, just not waiting to share it.

All by myself is enough (or so it seems today).

Narf :)

Testing Email Notification of Posts

Yeah, just testing. I sent this to Blogger Help:

I have many blogs and have not tested them all, but I am experiencing the same issue. Suddenly this month, May 2019, email notifications stopped. I checked all my settings and nothing's changed. It started some time before May 19th. The last time, I had to delete and re-enter my same email address in the email box in settings. I tried it again this time, nothing. I appreciate this feature because it lets me keep an email record of my blog posts. I hope this feature is fixed soon and you figure out how to stop killing good features when you update the site. Thanks.

I am trying it again. No luck. Extra work. They must have "fixed" something or upgraded the site, again. Sad they do this so regularly.

Looking Back

Looking back on the words of this past year so far, it's been one of the quietest, driest times ever. That may be in part due to settling into the new space and having nothing much to say as things are good and rather monotonous. Socializing has reduced to almost nil. I spend a lot of time at work and most of my home time is unpacking and relaxing. It's good to have space I can call my own again.

Cooking Without Gas

I always preferred natural gas stoves in this life, but unfortunately I have not had one in many years. So I learned to cook on an electric stove and truly, cooking was never as much fun. I suppose that cooking for a partner was part of the fun, but it just hasn't been the same in an electric oven and stove. Whatever I was going to say about wherever this entry as going, I forgot because I paused and time passed and, la la la. The food blog might have clues, if I ever update it. I've been cooking lately, in case it matters.

Living without writing may have been the path hidden in the title. Partly. But I am cooking too. Living happy, well, comfortably, and having fun all by myself and most surprising of all, not writing. So much contentment, alone. I've always been easily amused by myself, but I always longed for love and partnership ad family so much that the loneliness tempered the happiness and the writing fended off the blues and depressive thoughts. And food. So I'm still around 190 and while will power has been weak lately, I am feeling secure about the new 190 limit, which is much healthier for this body. Without exercise, even. Life is good.

Still room for the one, still.

Hope you are self-happy too.

Narf :)

Avoiding Frequent Illness

With little droplets of croup floating around and landing just about everywhere, including on whatever is in the fridge, it's a wonder I am not sick... yet. Alas, the little one, who has exceptional manners in most cases, does not know about covering her mouth and she has been al ver the kitchen making some project she saw on youtube. There's corn starch powder on everything, which I suppose is a good thing as it identifies the areas she's left croup. Pretty much everywhere. She has been sick a lot in the six months I've known her. It gets her the attention she craves from daddy.

Anyway, I'm trying to remember not to touch anything and washing my hands and using hand sanitizer and eating food out of packages from the garage freezer (which they don't use as far as I can tell). I feel fine, though I am definitely not exercising enough. Where is my exercise or activity partner, anyway? I keep telling myself to shop for an elliptical machine, but nobody's listening. Still, I am amused at how I avoid and distract and almost even deny, just like a human. How long was it that I longed to be, and yet, am I?

The detailed blog with links mentioned in the previous entry is in progress, in case it matters.

So how are you? :)

Narf :)

Well, wow?

a subtle, almost silent wow, unspoken, even. The details may be n the details soon, but for the moment (before my butt gets numb - or I fall back to sleep), I sit here to write a few words (of wisdom or follow) for you (and me too). Naked in the living room except for a towel, warm enough to turn on the fan. I was chilled when I got home from softball last night, so it's not the thermostat in the environs, it is the thermostat in my head (and kidneys). It's k, I am mostly fit as a fiddle and still having fun, even without the one.

Waking after just a few hours sleep in the recliner, I chose a bit of game rather than bed and then, a poop and then, a hot shower and then, words. Words came to me in the silent hot shower as I let myself relax without distraction for the first time in many weeks. I am saving money a bit more than I have in some time, eating out less, going out less, playing the game has that benefit. Loneliness is less too, mostly, when I am distracted enough and I have been distracted enough, well, even, for most of the time. Almost all of the time. That is why there are so few words.

Sometimes the futility of putting the words out here is all the evident, but this may not be one of those times. It is beyond indifference, it is beyond contemplation, it is just pure fun relatively meaningless distraction. Unproductive as can be, I suppose, but then, who's counting? lol.

I hope life is smiling more than frowning in your world.

Narf :)