Turning Corners

Complete and unconditional happiness alone, that may be finally happening. All through this life (as the blogs attest so often), my happiness was incomplete. It was always missing the one. The partner, the soulmate, the playmate, the other person who would share everything. In the past few months, especially in the recent weeks, the longing for the one has been so minimal its gone unnoticed. Perhaps that is why I have not been writing, or at least one big reason. Perhaps I am just avoiding, in denial, repressing, suppressing, disassociating, or some such mental trick to leave me with the impression that I am over (as if love is something to "get over" the fairy tale dream of falling in love and sharing life with a partner. The usual sadness and grumpiness and complaining that sprays throughout my writings does not seem to be appearing though, unless we consider pondering it's disappearance a form of complaining lol. Some might, but then, some always seem to see the glass as half empty.

Maybe I've given up on the dream in this life. If I did, I don't seem sad about it, maybe for the first time. No one seems to be interested in sharing it with me. Maybe no one is ready to. We are a rather infantile species, emotionally, after all. I don't know if I'll get another chance I wonder if all the words will mean anything to someone someday. This roller coaster ride of a life has not always been easy (understatement, as usual, as I briefly, but still viscerally, recall the years on the street and sleeping in the car waiting for someone to stop using me and the story is long and winding), the shared bliss moments have been fleeting and perhaps, false, yet the bliss reigns supreme inside the mind that contains the me I know as me in this life.

Waiting for someone to share it has been a futile effort. That seems to be the difference. I am no longer waiting, I am living n the moment as I've always done, just not waiting to share it.

All by myself is enough (or so it seems today).

Narf :)