And So It Is... Ummm, Halloween

Yes, John, I stole your song for the night. And everybody was stirring, especially the ice. A few hundred kids paraded by our door so far and we're out of candy. $40 worth of candy doesn't go as far as it used to. This is a very kid-friendly neighborhood and all sorts of little ghosts and goblins and superheroes and princesses and ghouls of all shapes ad sizes paraded by. My favorite, naturally, was the giant M & M. So now we sit here in the quiet darkness, well, I sit here in the quiet darkness, TA is in his bedroom, as usual, in the back of the house. He won't even hear the doorbell and I'll do my best to ignore it. Not the night for early to bed, but at least I got a lot of sleep last night, at least some. I've been awake since before 4 AM though, but the chocolate (yes, I bought a bag f kit kats for me) has me mostly wired. Tired wired, the worst kind lol. Listening to music, a random list of videos I put together years ago. Onlt the first five or so are in order as they represent me on Youtube, or something like that. Unfortunately, over the years, some of the videos were taken down or went private or got blocked. Feel free to listen and let me know what you think, though I have no idea what comes after the first ten or fifteen videos lol. Yes, I still miss the mix tapes lost somewhere in Toronto. Cold.

Ordinary very busy day at the desk, unplanned pig out party at night, might be a long one. And the words and music play me home. To mask or not to mask, that be it.

In case it matters...

Narf :)

Silently Awake

Kids in the house, so I went to bed early. Works out for me, since I was three consecutive nights behind on sleep, at least. By that I mean less than 4 hours sleep, though in recent years, less than 5 hours sleep, and even more recently, less than 6 hours sleep is falling behind. The body does do best with 8ish hours sleep, and all the years of our hour of sleep (and skipped nights) are starting to be more challenging to maintain. Age, gravity, diet, exercise, a lot of different factors. Blah, blah, blah, aye? Waking up for the bathroom breaks up the sleep into four hours segments, sometimes less, but 4 hours remains my sleep cycle, even as two back to back is optimal rest these days. So I am awake, but silent. No TV or music or, unless I get the headphones, cuz kids in the house. I'd live differently, healthier, more organized and tidier and cleaner and active, and more in tune with my inner rhythms, if I lived with a partner or alone. Mostly because I'd be cleaning, doing laundry, and/or exercising right now with music or TV stimulating activity. Instead, I sit, quietly still, cuz kids are in the house. I do love my repetitive phrases, don't I lol. This living situation is as good as any I've had since Jackson, so no complaints, just sitting here, you know, silently awake.

So how is your morning going so far?

Narf :)

Misunderstood Humor

Speaking of misunderstood humor (see the comments too), I have almost given up on being completely understood in this life, but then, sometimes reality is more than lament, sometimes it is just real. So did you just hack me for some reason? Boredom? Curiosity? Did you want to know something? Why not just ask? Would you rather waste time alone in your room, empty life, listen to this (I am not Mr. Ed). No, you can't access my webcam, and even if you could, I am one of the paranoid who put a bandaid over the lens. Laughing all the way. Madness is not as haunting as reality. Some nights as sad, but most nights, the melancholy smiles. You could have known everything if you only asked. img, look as song number three (and I did not choose them, youtube did). You want more? Look at song number four. It's almost funny, you're killing me (smalls?... I never did related). At seventeen, I learned the truth.

Yesterday, when I was young... I wrote so many songs that were never sung.

Welcome to my nightmare, hope it doesn't scare you.

Laughing all the way...

Narf :)

And Then, The Afternoon

The games were as usual lose, lose, basics forgotten, fundamentals ignored, I don't know why they insist on continuing to play a game they really don't want to learn. In any case, except for one, there's minimal drama (there's always one, it seems), so I don't look elsewhere (even though it's tempting). After the game, he long planned holiday cookout was, well, one bag of chips and side dishes. The grill master forgot to make sure there was propane in the grill and most other party things did not arrive either. Three teams did, hungry. Someone went out to get stuff and after almost two hours, arrived with some fried chicken from Walmart. Someone brought homemade taco salad, a lot of it, and everything was consumed in about fifteen minutes. A lot of extremely obese hungry people in the crowd. Softball players, as organized off the field as they are on ll. Laughter is the best medicine, though it probably won't help the large ones live to an old age. Credit them for being out there every week, so much better than sitting on a couch. An afternoon of distraction and I still need the elliptical, so who am I to talk, aye?.

After that I went shopping and impulsively spent $220 on stuff I did not plan to buy. TA is going half on $60 worth of the household items. Then, just as impulsively, I went to the Chinese buffet. Did I mention who am I to talk already?

So much misunderstood humor, no wonder I'm alone lol lam sigh :)

Hope your picnic was fun too :)

Narf :)

Sunday Morning Sunshine

A lot of rain has fallen in the past few days and all the fields I can reach are rained out or incommunicado, but the fields we've moved to, farther away, are unreachable. There's no answer at the park office and no rain-out line listed on any of the web pages associated with the fields or the parks department. Poor communication, City of Orlando. I texted the coach and he has not responded. The sun is shining and it's a beautiful morning, so I'm going to get washed and dressed and drive out to the fields, but it is a long drive and I will not be a happy camper if the fields are closed and no one communicated it to me.

Enjoy your Sunday.

NArf :)

Saturday, In the House

Not the Chicago song, but hey, we modify everything for our personal use, I mean that is what brains are, association machines, relationship engines, putting what is together to make what can be. The science of the mind was always a favorite and I took a dozen more courses than was needed for my degree in neuropsych and neuroscience , just for the curiosity and fun of understanding how the brain and body work. I live in one, after all. Learning about my home and how it works and how to fix it if something breaks seems like a no-brainer to me lol.

Anyway, I came here to announce nothing. Essential information for you, I'm sure. We are all so sure of so many things we know nothing about, aren't we? I mwan, how many times do we say "I'm sure" or some other convolution of assuming we know what someone else thinks, decides, or feels. I'm sure your tired after your long trip. I'm sure you don't want to be bored with the details. I'm sure you are not reading this blog because you sit there silently not responding. I'm sure you're not a vegetable, just because you are not responding. I'm sure you see the subtle nudging for a comment in these examples of how we use "I'm sure." Like a brick to the forward, no doubt. No doubt, now there's another...

Ok, I'll stop. I just wanted to shake off the frustration of the wake up entry lol. So what's going on? It's after noon already and I've still got the sleepy mucous in the corners of my eyes. I'm sure you wanted that visual (and I'm sure you don't want examples of the ways "I'm sure" is used in sarcasm, aye?). Fruit. I'd like some fruit. I don't have the habit of fruit these days. The neighborhood across-the-street store does not stock good fruit. Having it so close is a convenience detrimental to my overall health. Too bad they don't sell elliptical machines lol.

I could go out shopping for an elliptical, but... probably won't.

Whatever you do, I hope you make your day fun.

Would you like to swing on a star?

Narf :)

Awake, Aye?

Perhaps not always No comments:

Ok, So This Is New

The nine year old rules the roost when she's here, but now she's sleeping in the day room, which is an open plan kitchen/dayroom, which means I just went in there hungry and turned on the light and found her and either will wake her cooking or cook in the dark (meaning open a can and microwave junk) or go hungry. I wasn't expecting to go to bed at 9:30 on a Friday night, but the house is dark and silent. Frustration is telling me to go out and get food, but all that's open is fattening or junk or expensive salads and I don't want salad, I want protein. Deep breath, deal with the new challenge. What to eat?

So the fool I am went out and spent money and ate decadence. Palmetto cheese spread, egg salad, tomato sandwich, and ten big butterfly shrimp and two shrimp rolls, and mayo and duck sauce, and sweet potato chips, and then... dessert. Decadent chocolate chip cookies, chocolate mousse, crunchy cheetos, chocolate milk. I could have fallen asleep and lose a pound, but instead I'll gain a few. The frustration is smothered by the yummies. Living alone, with the distractions I choose and the freedom to choose them when I want them, will power is so much stronger. I know I restrict myself here out of consideration, but that's me. Giving is the gift I give myself. And food. Decadent food.

Do how is your weekend starting off?

Narf :)

Unsleep Cycles

Erratic at best, my sleeping patterns can be summed pin one word. None. That is, there are no patterns. The random chaos of the universe dominates m sleep. It's a wonder I am still alive. I didn't say sane. So some nights I am up all night and head to work and once in a while I crawl into bed after waking in the recliner cuz I can always fall fast asleep after dinner. It is surely not good for the body, but please don't call me surely. The trouble with really good chocolate chip cookies is they a crumb-machines, so you want to stuff them in your mouth whole so no crumbs get on the furniture or floor cuz the bugs love them too.

Anyway, the mind wanders to and fro and I just follow along.

This entry was supposed to be some sort of daily blog, like most of the entries in this daily blog are supposed to be, but somehow supposed to be doesn't always happen. You may be used to it by now if you visit often and if you don't, well, I hope you find your way back soon. Hey, I could have said tough, get used to it, but I am in a cordial welcoming mood. Cherry cordial at that. The trouble with Cheetos is the hand that feed the Cheetos to the mouth is not safe for typing cuz the cheese gets on the keyboard and the bugs love cheese too.

Why don't you just love me already and get it over with...

Narf :)

Week Ends

This seems to be a weekly habit, especially when I pass out in the recliner and sleep away the afternoon. As much as I love my job, I don't want the weekend to end. So I stay awake watching some TV show and the hours pass. I always seem to find a new movie or series that keeps me watching until nearly time for work then I sleep an hour and head in.Sunday night habit. Even with another late softball game tomorrow night. Then I drink some caffeine to be awake for it and don't get to asleep Monday night either and the week becomes a blur. Fun, eh?

Maybe I should have called this entry Weak Ends.

Weak joke, no doubt.

Anyway, A fun weekend, mostly along except for softball and roommate (missing the closer love I used to know, nobody knows me anymore, la la la lament and all that un-jazz). The trouble with Youtube is the music videos volume levels fluctuate so much some blare and wake the kids while other are too soft so the remote hs to be grabbed between every video. Still, it's as close to mix tapes as I get these days. Yes, I still miss my mix tapes. I miss me too. Thanks Toronto, the insensitivity and cruelty remains. The Blur often brings on the emo, in case you haven't noticed.

I am going to eat and drink and be merry now. Happy Birthday PJ! Party!

So how was your weekend?

Narf :)

To The World

I sent another message to the world trying to introduce myself (and not just seduce myself lol) tonight. Not that just about every word I write is not a message to the world and the universe and life and everything, but in this case, I used the interpals.net pen pal site. I kind of like that profile, so I welcome your critical eyes on it. Feedback is food, ya know, that's the feed part of the word.

Jackson and Brandi bought an outdoor TV and lounged around their pool at their new house watching football today. I am so jealous lol, This place and TA are just right for me, but a pool would have made it even sweeter. Still no elliptical, I am a foolish lazy-bones. The excuse that "nobody cares, so why should I?' really sells well to the self-destructive part of me. Speaking of that part, the pig-out Italian food weekend is capped with two huge seriously chocolate milk shakes and there is still a chocolate mousse desert in the fridge. The next two weeks will be 500 calorie days, mostly, as the November 1 goal was to be under 170, but I will be ok with getting the body back under 180 again. I really love food and don't want to eat less, so elliptical and more exercise is the wise move. Never claimed to be wise all the time, ya know?

Will you swing on a star with me tonight?

Narf :)

Another Entry, Did You Read The Last?

For those of you reading, that is. Those of you not reading can feel free to disregard the title. Are we having fun yet? lol, ah, I have fun with myself even if you don't. No offence intended, just playing with the silence. There is a rose in a fisted glove, after all. And distance makes the heart go to sleep, fondly, of course. And sometimes I am genuinely sincere and sometimes I am sincerely flippant and either way, I mean no harm. Just playing with the silence. And with all due respect (and so much is due) to John and Yoko, the dream was never over... is simply went to sleep, playing with the silence. And the music continues to pour from the memories. Where do the children pay? Hidden away in their rooms, alone, facing screens, pushing buttons, losing touch with each other and themselves. Social skills are important, ya know? Anyway, I find myself in a life much like that, alone most of the time. Even TA, who shares this house with me, is usually alone in his bedroom while I am alone out here in the living room. Those who call me friend, even family, well, they live their lives and tell me they miss me, but they don't miss me enough to actually want to see me or ask how I am with any expectation of anything more than a monosyllabic answer. We're all fine, I guess.

We know better, don't we?

Playing in the silence.

Narf :)

The Dream Never Ends

Tornado warnings all night long as the rains come and go, winds come and go, storms. Squall lines moving at 35 miles an hour kicking up high winds, severe thunderstorm warnings, just another night around here. Meanwhile, with the help of some music, Marina and the Moody Blues, to stimulate the mind, memory, and heart strings (as if you want to know my depths, right?)... feel free to ask, you know, in case it matters. :)

A week comes to an end and I feel mostly good exhausted. It was a long week at the desk at work, more than 70 hours, and still there is more to do. Early morning Monday and on through the week. Still no elliptical, still riding the roller coaster of weight gain and loss, food as my only true friend... and enemy. Yummies comfort and excite me tonight. Then I look around, so much stuff around me, so much to sort through and dispose of, or use. And the storage, still costing $140 a month after all these years, so much stuff to explore. And share.

I feel alone tonight. Wanting to share. So much past calling out, sort me, toss me, give me away, share me! Stuff talks, ya know? You just have to listen to hear.

Another reminder, and so much more. Life is always starting over, building on the past, creating something new. For the moment, wanting to share (more than I usually do). Wishing I had a friend who really knew me, the hopes and dreams and more, the perspective on life, the universe, and everything that makes me who I am and whatever I might still be. The chameleon as changing as the universe, as constant as well. One with all, all in one.

The dream never ends, like the songs.

I miss my mix tapes tonight.

Narf :)

Lose, Lose, Poop

Yeah, that's a catchy title, isn't it? Well, Softball and kickball were both loses this week, but Sunday softball pulled off the first win of the season so all is not a loss in the sports world. Are the Yankees still winning? lol. Nobody I know who keeps in touch enough to talk about anything really is into sports these days. No partners in the activities and interests that excite me. Still, I love what I do. I'd love to share more with someone who loves the things I love too, but I love the life I live moment to moment so the lack of sharing is not bringing me down anymore. Nor are the losses, because the game is the fun. I never want to stop playing and having fun. Feel free to join in the fun.

Meanwhile, the blood is back in town (not a good song reference, aye?) and I need to cut the food back and drop the weight again (back to the mid 190s, dangit, and let the skin heal. In case it matters.

I miss the words too.

Narf :)

Not Softball, Not Kickball, Not No How

Paraphrasing a once famous lion, I feel fat. Pasta and spices and soups, oh my. And no poops. Pity the fool. The references pour out, cup overfloweth, and I wonder.. is anybody here to appreciate, notice, know? Me and the tree, falling silently, forest is still, maybe it always will... be. Relativity. Creativity. Longing and calling, deep inside of me. Oh say can you see? Can anyone see? Being so free internally is an ecstasy for me, yet. Here with my love, I'm home.

As you might have guessed, softball was rained out Monday, kickball was rained out Tuesday, and will power was rained out all three days. Canned pasta was on sale and bought out all my will to drop under 180 so back over 190 the the body went. Aloneness is swallowing me and lack of sleep is draining me and TV and food are occupying, distracting, and destroying my good sense. It all sounds so dramatic, mostly because emo-drama is fun now and then. Time to make the donuts. Ohhhh, donuts.

Hope life is laughing with you, not at you, and you are laughing within and without.

Share, care, be well, be aware, honest love...

Narf :)

Softball Tomorrow

Sunday softball has all but become a waste of time, but I am still dreaming a bass will join me and fill the bottom in, and all that jazz, so I show up and teach what I can teach and ignore the stupidity and poor organization and set-up to lose the league has dumped on us. I would like be partying all night if I didn't have to be at the fields by 10 tomorrow. Meanwhile, I did pg out today, two days in a row, and I will again tomorrow too. I'll cut back during the week and get serious again by mid-week, but a long as I stay under 190 I am not going to get too harsh.

Loneliness is creeping up the spine again, in case it matters. Feel free to communicate something meaningful, caring, or fun. Irreverence is always welcome too.

Caring makes life so much more beautiful.

Hope life is smiling in your world. :)

Narf :)

Earlier Today

I opened this box to start an entry and here it sat, empty, while I watched some TV and snacked a bit. Then, TA made some wings he bought a the supermarket and the house smelled of wings and I wanted wings and I gave in. I went to the highest rated wing place in the area and bought thirty wings which came with fries. I ate only about six and about the same number of fries because this wing place also sells fish, shrimp, and other stuff. It's a small Korean place and home I arrived with beautiful shrimp, shrimp fried rice, and egg rolls. I mostly ate the shrimp, fried rice, and an egg roll. Tomorrow I have wings, fries, more shrimp, more fried rice, and another egg roll. So I spent the dad watching supposedly scary movies (the category pops up every year around this time ya know?) and pigging out. No dessert, at least not yet.

How was your day?

Narf :)

More Good News

Medical, that is. You can read more about it in the body blog if you want more. While stamina is at a low point and muscles are weaker than they've been, maybe ever, and there are some aches and pains and potential issues, the body is feeling more comfortable and healthier than it has in a long time. Just not as fit as I've been most of the time. I can still run the bases. Two hits yesterday, two kicks on base tonight and scored from second. Neat trick in kickball lol. Even when there is so much to do at work, busiest I've been since I started, I can still leave when I want for my personal business. Love this job. Just still need that dang elliptical lol.

And a friend, a really close friend would be nice.

Narf :)