Up, Down, And Annual

That's annual physical. When I got to the doctor's office the staff (she's a wonderful doctor, but her staff suck... Helen stopped going to her because they are so bad), the same staff who told me just drop off the annual health form and the doctor will fill it out based on tests I've had through the year, told me I had to have the annual physical before they would fill it out. They found an appointment for me for tomorrow after I said I've tried to make one and have been told in a few phone calls that I was too early the first time and there was nothing available the next times... so I'll just have to go somewhere else, like a clinic connected to all of my medical records, to get it my annual signed. The doctor's office is not affiliated with any of the hospital databases or my other doctors, unlike most doctors in the area, and they don't contact other doctors for medical records. That is my responsibility. As I said, the office staff sucks, but the doctor is worth it, I think... situations like this lead me to wonder). So I called my other doctors and asked them to send my records to the office (they claimed they didn't get them a few times previously, a couple of times they simply did not check the fax machine before my appointment and the doctor had to go out and ask them). Unfortunately, I did not fast in these past days since I found out my annual had to move up a month, so I won't be at 180 as I intended. I hope to be under 190, but will likely be over 190 with clothes on. Hopefully I will still meet all of the criteria I need to meet to get the insurance discount.

Anyway, stress of dealing with terrible doctor's office staff my raise my blood pressure, but they better take that into account or I will have to find an alternative doctor.

So how are you?

Narf :)

Softball Follies

This season is going to be ridiculous. There are Divisions based on skill levels for a reason. Better players playing new players who do not have the skills or knowledge make a farce out of the game. Today was a case in point. I joined a team dedicated to teaching new players how to play softball last year when they created a new E Division. We had two teams in the E Division and had a lot of fun last season. This season, they created did away with the E Division and created an upper and lower D Division. The trouble is, the lower D Division teams know the game and play much better than any of our players, so the games are a farce. We scored our first runs of the season today. I doubt we will will a game, but worse, there's no opportunity to learn because the games are blowouts well above the skill level of our players. The coach did take y advise and have a practice after the game. They even let me teach players. They called the practice early because one person wanted to stop, but three brand new players got to learn some skills and I didn't get push back today from the impatient player on our team, which is improvement.

I need to get ore exercise though, teaching doesn't let me push myself to my limits.

Compromise...

Narf :)

Poor Customer Service

This should probably be in meaningless complaints, but I don't want to work myself up for the moment. I really like my primary care doctor. I really do not like her staff. Unfortunately, if I want to stay with the doctor I really like, I have to do the staff's job. Terrible holistic medical care, to put the pressure of gathering medical records from many sources and maintaining my own appointment schedule, when that is the whole point of having a primary doctor. Especially when many places either will not send medical records by email, or they require an in-person visit for signage of papers, or there are other hops to jump through. Doctors are supposed to communicate with each other. A primary doctor's office is supposed to gather all the medical records for their patient and provide whole person medical care. They don't do that.

I have work to do now and part of it may be starting another primary doctor search. If you've read me on the subject, you know how challenging that can be and how long it took me to find one I like.

Incompetence in medical staff really sucks.

Narf...

Cravings Win Again

Ok, so I know I have a food blog, but here we are cuz food has become a dominant non-working thought for the past few days. Tonight, the give-in was to light butter and some sauces and spices, in which went shrimps and mushrooms. Not too bad, but definitely not the completely fat-free, carb-free, ultra low calorie diet. Part of me still wants more. I need to buy chicken, it's much cheaper than shrimp. I am apparently not done. I am cooking three hot dogs. Two 40 calorie dogs and 1 cheap corn dog. Which do you think is the one with the most calories? Yup, the corn dog has twice as much as both of the others put together. Then ketchup, like having another dog or two. Craving must be for salts ans sugars.

Another way too busy day I forgot food or drink or anything. Big meetings with the big people. At least Boss is letting me be invited now, the first two years I'd be out of the loop until he asked for things and then I'd have to try to see the puzzle without all the pieces and find what he needed with just a piece of the map. Good to be a little more trusted now.

What's up with your life?

Narf :)

Holes in Logic

Did I mention the Mozzarella, butter, mayo, spices, and Parmesan/Romano tomato sauces dips? Yes, last night I caved, caved again, caved some more, then I caved... again. Tonight, I hope that does not happen. I'm gonna be tired and vulnerable. Please go to bed early. The body does feel much more energized and awake and ready for ball. Too bad I don't play anymore until Sunday. Or Saturday if I want to wake up at 7AM and play with the old folk on a very dry field without shade, water, or anywhere to cool down. That field put me in the hospital twice. Still, I'm not getting invited to play nearly as much as I used to. I don't perform the way I used to, especially when I am starving the body. Fool, alone, stop.

Alone, that's how it must be. In case it matters, I still want to share.

I know, I'm too demanding. Honesty is such a lonely word.

Are you?

Narf :)

Is Kickball Really a Sport?

Ok, so this old fool who is not getting enough exercise from softball because even as a pitcher, there is minimal aerobics, is disappointed in kickball. Five innings, one "at kick," touched the ball three times as catcher, and 1-0 final. Boring. Another hyper busy day at work, juggling a few big projects and a half dozen small ones, dozens of emails, and racing around the county for an inspection in the afternoon while still fielding calls and emails and texts. The good news is I am seeing a lot of respect within and outside of the County as departments dropped everything they were doing, in some cases handling emergencies, to get me what I asked for. A bit woozy in the sun, then really tired, drank a protein drink before the game, the only calories since Sunday night, then a yogurt after, then... two hot pockets and a slice of pizza. TA made some, I stole a slice, don't tell lol... then... two more hot pockets. Why am I smiling? lol :)

Somebody stop me!... I need more exercise... an elliptical... good sense.

A sensible loving partner...

Narf :)

After the Pig-Out

The body is fatigued again, having had zero calories since last night until I just I caved and ate 50 calories. Mushrooms, spiced. The salt was needed. No poop, maybe some prunes tonight. The body is still in starvation mode in spite of having several thousand calories last night, mostly in meat and dessert, with a bit of pasta and a touch of potato and some veggies, today was destined to be a low calories day. I dehydrated a bit too much, forgetting about food and drink all day as the work just continued to pile up and I didn't pause for anything. Low water, low sugar, low salt, low everything, low energy. I played like it too, softball, I mean. Our best player from previous seasons came out and made a big difference. I pitched better than other nights, not back to 100%, but well enough to win. Walked more batters than I usually do. Still hurts to throw and a little to swing the back and throw my curve ball. I made errors though, way too many for me. I hit well, getting on base three out of four times. Got picked off twice though, which is totally not me. Fatigue. Maybe playing down to the team. We won, though, 17-15. Still not great defense behind me, but some of the bats woke up. These guys are just not ready for a men's softball league.

The little one is here for an unscheduled visit so I am putting off laundry that I really needed to do over the weekend but TA has had towels in the washer and dryer since last week. I told him, but he forgets. I'm supposed to be the old one here lol. Anyway, the washer dryer is right outside the kids bedrooms so I don't want to disturb the big kid. The little one still sleeps in Daddy's bed, so I wouldn't be waking her. She was walking around the kitchen in her underwear bottoms. Daddy is obviously the nurturing parent, so she'll be here for a while. She has a fever and woke up from a nightmare a bit disoriented. I couldn't tell at first as she whines a lot, especially for a 9 year old, but the poor little one has 102 by ear thermometer, so it could easily be higher. They are lucky Daddy can work from home. The house is cooler than usual, so long sleeves might come out. It's going down to 69 degrees tonight, so the air is just for lowering humidity. I was trying to heat my mushrooms and my food was out on the counter when she brought whatever she has into the kitchen, so hope I don't get sick. Especially since I am straining the body so much for the weight loss. ore vitamins and some echinacea and garlic and we'll see what else I have in stock.

This was the day after the pig-out, how was yours?

Someday, maybe an answer will arrive.

The Waterboys said so lol.

Narf :)

Entries Unrecorded

I used to record the title with a link to every entry right here and then I stopped uploading and started just recording the links in a notepad file and then I paused doing that for a while and then went back to doing that and recently, I stopped doing that again, leaving many entries unrecorded, unconnected, out there on their own where they may never get to see a reader's eyes.

Isn't that sad?

Narf :)

Wake Up Working

Yes, my job is 24/7 and sometimes, work is needed during the hours most are off. I generally put in 60 hours a week and don't get paid enough for it, but loving the work is more important than money (I keep telling myself that and I've believed it wholeheartedly most of the time through this life... we shall see if I still agree when I am too old to work and only have retirement income to survive on... the old, very sad, joke {cuz it's not a joke} used to be old folk eat ca food, but cat food it pretty darn expensive these days... stay positive and death will solve all of life's challenges soon enough... did I mention that my sense of humor gets me a lot of awkward glances lately?... no really, I have the T-shirt lol).

So on the phone, on the computer, sending many megabytes through Office 365 (on this laptop, that was a neat trick), and now, what? No food, radio. Reaching for the TV remote, I find Jupiter, a new show about Jupiter (I generally frown on assumptions, but... lol). Ah, another British narrator. Do Americans make any non-fiction shows that are not news or political anymore? What an ignorant country we've become. That will be all he political commentary for this entry, we're one our way to Jupiter. Sit back, buckle in, and enjoy the ride.

Following the ride, we will be exploring more Marina and the Diamonds.

May you make the most of your day.

Narf :)

Dammit Apple

I was just about asleep ad the fucking phone woke me and the computer up. Apparently when I downloaded the latest operating system, 13, it automatically invaded my computer and turned on iCloud and the computer has been automatically popping up with the iCloud windows asking me to log in. Apple is now officially as bad as Microsoft. Who knows what else they are accessing and controlling without my permission. Damn corporations own the world and want to own us.

My next phone may be an Android again.

No Narf!

Life is Pretend

Can you remember what never was? Maybe if you try sometimes, you just might find... you get what you need. It's only the end if you let it be the end. Words of wisdom can be wrong too. It's all a matter of perspective. In life today, for me, no one knows how I feel. Am I in pain? Am I sad? Am I hungry or tired or stressed or fearful or hearing whippoorwills? We all could die at anytime, would anyone know? The people who care about me most might not know for weeks. Is that caring? Really? The people who care about me most have never seen where I live, or how I live, and none really know why I live or what makes me tic. Does anybody really know what time it is? You've got the dig for it. Can you dig it? Do you know when I am laughing? Do you know it is most of the time, especially when I write. I usually laugh at the words just before the Narf and at the Narf, in case it matters. You might know if you knew me, if you looked close, but I am a subtle fish. I don't advertise. I play with words and that amuses me no matter what is going on around me. Usually. Mostly I am just laughing on the inside at the pretend. I pretend the world is alright. I pretend everything will be alright. Because it is on the inside. When you wake up you will find that you're not where you left yourself.

I love where I am inside.

Meanwhile, in the outside world. Softball follies tonight and I was replaced after the second inning because a dozen errors gave up a dozen runs. Another dozen runs later, with fewer errors and me on the bench, and we lost. Sucks to be the scapegoat for a team without defense. Long day of taking care of business not planned, other people's needs, a wonky new computer needed tech support for another hour and still there is more that is needed to get it right. No food, one 100 calories protein drink, no real hunger, controlled emo, gonna sleep on it. Water under the bridge as I smile at the world unfolding before me when I close my eyes.

Still wishing for sharing, caring, and understanding. I'd settle for someone who listens.

Hear the music?...     Who am I?...     I am nobody.

Are you listening?

Narf :)

Breaking the Fast

Ok, so it was time. Yesterday I ate broccoli, asparagus, and chicken, all together still under 500 calories but it was just what the body needed to push the protein drinks through and kick start the metabolism which had engaged starvation mode. The result is I made it to 189.6 this afternoon and to reward myself I talked TA into choosing dinner and he chose Burger-Fi and I bought $45 worth of fat food, though single burgers and one was a veggie burger, and after eating less tan half of what I ordered I was stuffed, so I wrapped it up and might freeze it for a week or two. Back to a near fast for this week, though maybe not as strict, with the next goal of getting back under 180 pounds. I few weeks, since dropping more than 10 pounds this week was stressful on the body and I don't want to over due that sort of stress.

Watching TV, I'll leave the softball news, Jackson news, Helen news, and all the other news for another entry. Are you ok? Are there?

Blurry Glasses

I am wearing the cheapo Walmart or Costco glasses I bought for when my eyes are tired or when I want to read the tiniest print on a label and they are blurry. I can't seem to get them clean, which is a sign of cheap materials I supposed. The lens pops out now and then. Still, between the low calorie low carb low fat low whatever week (I may or may not have had 3000 calories since I got home from Kansas City Sunday night), and playing Merge Dragons practically non-stop for every waking hour since I got home from work last night, and age too, the eyes are not focusing as clearly as I am used to.

In case it matters.

How yadoin?

Narf :)

Two Phones, No Rings

Actually, I pay for two phones, one is still for Precious (remember Precious?.. wow you've been here a while, haven't you?). I have three on my plan, but Jane pays for hers. I carry two phones, but one work pays for. I have no rings. Actually, two rings mattered to me in this life. One was stolen on 4th street. Positively 4th street. Between avenues A and B, if that means anything to you. The apartment was torn up and the car was totaled on the street there as well. Anyway, The other is a symbol of the time I lived with Jackson, who, being the last person I trusted with everything in this life, remains family. Even if distant sometimes. The phone rings, which is what the title meant, are minimal. The work phone rings more than the personal phone. The personal phone gets more SPAM calls than actual people I know. It is a $1000 toy, used for merge Dragons and little else. Sometimes a calendar or notepad or whatever it does, but talking on the phone doesn't happen much. There are at least a couple of dozen people I could call and at least a dozen who would probably e happy to hear from me (maybe all of them), but I have given up reacting out for now. In hermit mode on every level except work for all but a few people and this week, full hermit mode. I miss love. I miss caring for someone who cares back. I miss playing and sharing meaningful time. That has not happened in a very long time. That's why I don't miss people much. I am disappointed in people. Humans.

Meanwhile, in my head, life is still more fun than the idea of dying.

NArf :)

Rolling Uphill

Yeah, that's what it feels like. Stuck at 193.6 for the past couple of days, the body has apparently gone into starvation mode, dummy. I know I should eat and may do a buffet this weekend cuz I can gorge myself on veggies and shrimp and balance a meal and reward my emo foodie who's been a very good monster this week. One more day/night of under 500 calories? I don't remember the last time I did five in a row and almost all liquid at that, but drastic times call for drastic measures. Over 200 pounds just doesn't work for me. Even if there wasn't a physical coming up. I really ought to make that appointment. Or at least take the paper to the doctor and hope she'll sign it even without the physical. The brain does not feel as groggy as it was a coupe of days ago. It is adjusting to the change in calories. Training the body to stop waiting for easy carbs is not easy. Easy the fat, dang body, there's plenty of calories and we don't need to store it for the winter lol. Hibernating would be an easy way to lose weight I suppose. If only somebody other than me knew... or was cheering me on... or cared... or fell in love with me and shared happiness ever after and everything else. I was once the most romantic child ever. Whatever happened?

Rolling uphill. LOL.

Narf :)

Rolling Like a Roller Coaster

Complete with the sudden changes and the panic attacks, sort of, at least the serious doubts about survival, even if only momentary, Fasting can be like that both physically and emotionally (and spiritually if you want to use that category of feeling, if it is a feeling, but isn't all feeling emotional?... maybe spirituality is the nae we give the emotions we are too lazy or afraid or ignorant to explain, anyway...) what? Waking after some long deep sleep, the body cried out for something, but it was not speaking clearly. I sat in aches, playing Merge Dragons, and was feeling way better after about 40 minutes, maybe less. Then came a shower and now, feeling great. Tired, weak from lower blood sugar and forcing the body to shift from easy carbs to breaking down it's own fat, but physically without pains or discomfort and emotionally high. Good deal, keep it up (the eyes roll as I hear a voice saying but it's been four days without solid food! and as day five begins, maybe. I did eat seven prunes, four slices of fat free turkey, and a 140 calorie protein drink (in addition to the three 100 calorie protein drinks) and I am taking double doses of vitamins, so it is not a pure water-only fast. Yes, plenty of water too.

Lonely. Nobody knows what I am doing as I challenge this body. Nobody cares to KIT (keep in touch) beyond a momentary meme or a few superficial words. I wouldn't even begin to know how I might answer I mean, how are you, really? is someone paused after a cursory how are you? and really asked as if they wanted to know what was going on deep inside of me. I don't even share me in words like that much, if at all, anymore. Except maybe occasionally. Who knows where or when.

So how are you? Really?

Narf :)

Original Recipe

I am referring to KFC. I seldom eat fast food, though I have been known to binge in this lifetime. As a younger fool, I might eat a dozen fast food cheeseburgers in a sitting. Part of it was the novelty and low cost. Fast food burgers do not appeal to me now. I moved to a few specific items at taco bell as long as they made them with the extra cheese and meat I asked for. And every now and then I get a craving for KFC. Sure enough the week I am doing my best to semi-fast, TA brings a giant bucket of KFC into the house. The hole house smells like a KFC now. I'm resisting. I may go to bed. I must resist. With the kids here (unscheduled, not sure why, maybe mom had something to do), it's even more challenging. Yesterday I resisted the little one's birthday cake. And cupcakes. And M7Ms brought to my desk at work. And...

No wonder most Americans are obese. I shall not give in.

Narf :)

Woke Up, Got Out of Bed

I don't remember the last time I touched a comb, but anyway, 5:30 AM was more than a half hour before my first wake up alarm was set, but awake I was and I decided to stay awake. I think the ladder woke me. Now, an hour later, I played Merge Dragons for a full dragon cycle and I took care of work I needed to do between 6:00 AM and 6:15 AM. Shower and head out the door by 7:15 AM is all I have left on my morning schedule here at home. It is a DOT random pull morning. If you don't know what that is, maybe that's for the best, as privacy is paramount in the process. After that, I head to the office. Later today I have to pick up some temperature and humidity sensors at one of the Fire Stations and put together the data for a report.

Boss will likely have work for me to do on the major project he was handed. I'm not invited to the meeting on the project and that may be due to the fact that I have other work to do, but it does keep my profile low. Raising a profile with upper management is a dual edged sword and I wish I could believe it wasn't just his way of micromanaging and making sure he is the one people turn to because he maintains in-person relationships and I don't. The County Manager came to my office a few times about this project while he was on vacation and now I am out of the loop, completely dependent on his passing along information about the project. Could be the don't think, just do as you're told, style comes from 30 years as a cop. I adjust as we go, but upper management seems to seek me out when they want to and I try not to be too awkward when I am not sure of all the details they are talking to me about. I don't know if I am complaining or just settling my brain into acceptance of the way it is. Mostly the later, but I know there is a risk of being unprepared when someone else controls all the information and preparations on a project.

I'll buy into the protecting me from myself theory lol. I do tend to be too honest and apolitical with politicians, after all. I can appreciate that perspective on his control of my contacts. Could be partly his own insecurity in his position as he had no training or experience in it when he took the job. I think I am earning his trust gradually.

Time for a quick shower and out the door. Are we having fun today or what? :)

Follow the links and make your day a big smile.

Narf! :

Almost LOL

Oh come on, I lol somewhere in almost every post I write, even if I am the only know who hears or knows (Am I that tree falling in the forest so many philosophers have pondered?) Look, here's proof that my obsessive madness (such as it is) continues to amuse me without any external stimuli or justification or rational thought or reason or rhyme. Well, maybe there is some rhyme, there's always hope in rhyme, in case you didn't know. So I drank yet another protein drink, an 80 calorie apple watermelon drink, which makes 480 calories for today. Yesterday I believe I was just over 500 and the day before I believe I was at 400. Am I crazy or what? Who cares, right? Like anybody is paying attention? I suppose a few might be sad or sorry when I'm gone, for a moment, maybe. Those closest to me live their lives without any real interest in mine. Whatever I do to create this odd lonely reality that constantly proves to me that humans can not be trusted and don't really care about anything being themselves is working way too well. See what rejection at birth can do to a child? Whatever, you may never fully understand, and quite often I pretend I don't, forgetting my awareness, or at least appearing to... sometimes I even fool myself so well, it's scary. The secrets are everywhere, exposed for anyone who cares to see. Threaded through many thousands of blogs.

Five or six hours sleep tonight. The eyes can barely focus. Stay the course, maintain the will power, ignore the pains, full speed ahead. I'm right here waiting, as usual. Naturally, even.

Narf :)

Shutting Down

It is sometimes the only way for me to get healthier as food is my primary social connection. Reaching out to people seems to always involved food and I really want to cut the calories to a minimum for as long as the body can take it. This is the third day under 500 calories and while the muscles ache because they are not healing as fast from the softball and aging and low food intake, I am motivated to drop the 20 pounds I put on the past few months and nobody in my personal life today cares to support or motivate such an action so I withdraw from sharing and focus on me. I hope all is well with people who may also be shutting down, but I am tired of reaching out and getting little or no response other than meeting for meals. This makes not eating even more challenging since food is my emotional crutch, especially when I am feeling lonely and unloved, but self-discipline is where my primary focus must be for this week, at least. Feel free to care, I'd love some caring. I will repeat this as a mantra as long as I can.

Then this. And laughter. In case it matters.

Narf :)

Currently

It's new (and improved?... well, it's free and fortified with extra goodness and harmless loving intentions, so see it now or click on the Remember This if You Read Me link added to the right side bar where all the information is real in case you want to know). Meanwhile, in life offline today, aches are peaking. Weak pitching and two ground balls to short made for a tough game. Lack of defense made for a loss. Cutting back to 400 calories doesn't help the healing, but I must take drastic measures if I am to have any chance at all at a good report card from the labs, which will save a lot of money next year. And I am lonely as ever, dang whipporwills.

So how are you?

Narf :)

Remember This If You Read Me

This is where I come to write the story of my life, in so many words, with my own perspective, in my own way (sometimes with added creativity, musical references, obscure,distracting trivial, run-on rambles that may appear ridiculous while usually disguising some profound message just for you, the odd tangential parenthetic asides, and assorted sundries). It is selfish and self-centered as it is seen through my eyes. I do not come here to paint pretty pictures or sell anything to anyone. I do not come here to make friends or be polite or please anyone. I do not come here to follow any courtesies, etiquette, or politically correct rules. I come here first and foremost to release any emotions I am feeling into words, to try to make some sense of any confusions or unpleasantness or negativity, and ultimately to rise above any obstacles to my natural sense of security, peace, and happiness. If that offends you, don't read. If you care to read, then care as you read. Caring is a verb. Caring is working toward a positive goal. Caring is accepting my process and appreciating it's outcome, which is almost always a smile and often a harmless giggle, maybe even a joyous laugh at the unnecessary drama, now resolved within me. Writing a little more may prove that, or improve it, even. :)

Seriously (repeated for emphasis cuz it's important to me, and hopefully it matters and makes sense to you), especially if you share some physical space time now and then, if you are offended by anything you read here and want to pick a fight, please don't. You have that choice. I will do my best not to respond to provocation or any negativity unless I have a positive response. If I have no positive response, I will do my best to ignore negativity. If that offends you even more, I hope you find a way out of your loop. I will do my best not to enter it.

If this does not make sense or somehow does not sit well with you, feel free to tell me why.

Positively, if you will (remember what happens to negativity around here?)

It is your choice, but I offer this advise: Don't set us up for failure.

Honesty, peace, and happiness, unified and balanced, is my goal.

Harmlessness and kindness, combined and balanced, is my intent.

Hope that comes through and peace prevails.

So what else is new?

Narf :)

The Bloated Man

That's what I am, yeah yeah yeah, the bloated man. Ought to be a song in there somewhere too. With an itchy nose, oh yeah, an itchy nose. He's bloated many from his head down to his toes. He's a bloated man, yeah yeah yeah, a bloated man with an itchy nose. With itchy eyes, oh yeah, and itchy eyes. Continue as you wish, I'm on to the life and times of the day.

Fourteen hours, mostly in the car, from Nashville back to Orlando. Yesterday was twelve hours of the same from Kansas City to Nashville. A whole lot of stops, lunches, dinners, and many stretch and bathroom breaks. It seemed people had bladder emergencies within minutes after the last rest stop. Buying the biggest big gulp drinks wherever they went probably had something to do with that. Obviously, right. So anyway, home again, home again, doodly doo doo. No doo doo yet though, soon, we hope.

A few hours of unpacking (partially), resetting this computer (mostly), and processing emails (fractionally) delyed the upload of this, but here we are now. Still sneezing. All in all it was a wonderful trip. A couple of apologies from mean people helped make the last day and overall trip experience more positive. It didn't make all things right, but it helped me believe maybe they won't deliberately make things wrong next time. Maybe. As mentioned earlier, the mid-west and northern pollens are driving me nuts and hopefully that will pass in a day or few. The pigging out when insane over the last few days, as did the spending, so grumpiness with self is high overall, but glee and wonderfulness is even higher as foolish as that is. Staring tomorrow I mostly fast for the rest of the week. Maybe month.

If I want to live.

Narf :)

Curmudgeon

I am one. I think. Self-assessment is ridiculous at times, so I don't accept my own judgment 100%, but I am, more and more, fitting the profile. Curmudgeon. On the other hand, when people are not insensitive, cruel, stupid, or rude around me, I am still the happiest most giving person I've ever known. I sense that few people see how happy I am inside. I think that is because they are so unaware of so much and so wrapped up in themselves. I watch people, waiting for them to notice something beyond their immediate (and often selfish) perspectives. I have come to a point where I do not expect anyone to do it, so maybe that is a self-fulfilling prophesy now. It is very disappointing, because I was always so hopeful for humanity, for evolution, for awareness... and sensitivity, for love and caring and sharing being in peaceful bliss. Hope has waned a lot, alas, but still, I want to share completely open honesty in full awareness and infinite sensitivity no matter the costs (pain comes with infinite sensitivity an full awareness, and that may be what scares people away from it... and me). So what am I?

Understanding only comes when one experiences it. It is beyond explanation.

I am so tired of not being understood...

In case it matters.

Narf :)

Did It Again

A week in Kansas City at the NAGAAA World Series and it's another rinse, lather, repeat in more ways than will fit into this entry. Oe way is neglecting you, this blog and as I used to say, dear blog readers. Remember that? Well, anyway, the arm is really sore. I pitched way too many pitches for the number of games we played because, as expected, the team played like they practiced. Errors galore. Ten errors and they think they played great defense. Sometimes we win those games. The games we loose is usually a lot more errors and sometimes, they still think they played ok defense. Delusional. The last game of this series, they had to admit they blew the game by making too many errors on simple plays. 24-11. I struck out at least five batters, maybe six, and made at least a couple assists on outs. We played 4 innings, so there were a total of twelve outs. Do the math. There wee at least twenty errors, probably a lot more. I stopped counting.

Anyway, I didn't upload any updates until tonight. Ordinarily I'd say plenty of entries will be uploaded soon. Now, well, who knows. Does it matter? Of course it matters.

So how are you?