I am still babbling and maybe it is worth reading (for me, it's worth writing and that is what matters most... you finding value in reading is the cake under the icing or the macaroni under the cheese sauce or the burger surrounded by the cheese and bacon and fried onions and bun. The last time I ate was Wednesday lunch. Zero calories today zero calories yesterday, 400 calories on Wednesday. I reached 200.4 pounds. Determination.
Softball, finally. After a month of rainouts, we played. It was fun, even though we lost. Someone else pitched the first inning and gave up 13 runs. I pitched the rest of the game and gave up two runs. Unfortunately, we only scored 10 runs. One of our players was so drunk he cut his hand and he wanted 911 called. They called 911. I knew the paramedics who showed up and they didn't take him to the hospital. Ambulance sirens and six paramedics standing around you is a way to sober up.
Jackson I inspiring some deep thoughts, or something like that. It is actually hours later than this entry is stamped, but you know. Work was good, life is good.
Hope yours is too. :)
Friday, June 23, 2017
I am still babbling and maybe it is worth reading (for me, it's worth writing and that is what matters most... you finding value in reading is the cake under the icing or the macaroni under the cheese sauce or the burger surrounded by the cheese and bacon and fried onions and bun. The last time I ate was Wednesday lunch. Zero calories today zero calories yesterday, 400 calories on Wednesday. I reached 200.4 pounds. Determination.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Last night I went to sleep shortly after dinner, the night before too. Yesterday I woke sleepy (maybe it was the Diphenhyramine HCL... yes, I took 50mg... first time in ages... the itching was keeping me awake) but I woke a bit more refreshed. Wait, I took the Diphenhyramine HCL last night, so the first long sleep was just not enough to cure the fatigue (maybe it was body tired from fighting the itching). I have been writing, a lot, actually, I just have been falling asleep before uploading. There just does not seem to be enough time for work, life, writing, fun, activities, self-care, sleep, and uploading. Now that's an old song.
Today was another good day at work. I am getting used to the freezing office and I think it will help me lose weight by running my metabolism on high to stay warm (or is it the opposite?... well, at least it is keeping me awake most of the time) once I decide to stop indulging my taste buds and emotional eating. I may have decided that yesterday (see what some sleep will do?... suddenly, will power and good life-sustaining sense) as I have fasted since lunch yesterday (and lunch was a 400 calorie can of pasta and chicken). So 400 calories in 2 days and ten pounds less on the scale. That is twenty pounds less than the maximum I hit this year. I told Jackson I would be under 200 pounds by July 4th and it just might happen. Except that if it doesn't rain tomorrow I will likely go out to eat bar food for dinner and Saturday I have dinner plans at a really good seafood place, but if I do't eat anything else and I continue on a low calorie balanced diet after the weekend, I should easily make it.
Shhhh, don't jinx it. Loneliness is still powerfully affecting my eating habits.
In case it matters.
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Hey, you, are you with me? I'd like to continue and I kinda almost did (or at least started), bur maybe the worms did eat into his brain after all. Sigh, ya know? Meanwhile, in the daily life, which is what this blog is supposed to be about (in case it matters), I spent the day out in the world having fun. That was after a less than ideal sleep night as lot of interruptions came around. Eb wanted to tell me his itinerary at my door as I was eating so I think he's going away this week, but I was not paying attention. Don't expect me to take detailed notes while I am eating. The lawn guy pounding on the door and ringing the bell well into the late evening, I might have mentioned that. Then he's back ringing the doorbell before 7am until Eb woke around 7am. Then a wrong number phone call on the work phone woke me again at 9am. I finally got up and showered about a little after 11am.
Then it was lunch with Helen, her mother, and one of Helen's girlfriends. I ate too much and had to stop at a big box store to use the bathroom. Naturally I bought a few things. Then I met Helen at her house and we went to an even bigger big box store and bought some more stuff. After that we hung out at her house for a while until it was time for me to head to cards. A selection of the usual suspects were there and cheap pizza was dinner and in the end, I finished second and walked away up $50. Good deal.
Heading home, I stopped at the storage unit and picked up a cooler because I am going to start keeping two coolers in the car, one for the laptop bag (in the trunk) and one for drinks in the car. Driving around in the heat on weekends or on weekends for work is getting expensive, so bring drinks and keeping the laptops cool is beyond sensible. Heading home, I found myself motivated to straighten up and reorganize this room and it is much more spacious (for a small box) and things are more easily available.
Now, if only someone was here to share the fun, life (and this space) would be even better.
Hello?... hello... hello...
Saturday, June 17, 2017
Softball is rained out again, sheesh, so lunch with the girls and then cards with the boys and girls tonight. Maybe exercise in the middle. If only someone wanted to share that. Hello, anybody wanna exercise together out there? :)
So this is just in case someone is searching for Ric Candor and finds this entry and wonder what in the world (do you believe in multiverses?... I believe in love) is going on (Steve Martin and Bill Murray asked what the hell is that? too lol), reach out and let's find out together, m'ok? Cuz if we can get past the censorship of greed, fear, and personal insecurity, we might find a connection. You know, just find someone who's turning, yearning, returning, and we just may come around. Hey you, can you feel me? Don't tell me there's no hope at all, come on, you know the answer and it is not just blowing in the wind. Old man take a look and my life, I'm a lot like you were. Oh when the Pink were Young. Stop in the name of love. I woke up today lost in a lost world. Remember me, my friend? Maybe. The Moody Blues and I were saved by the music. Sometimes it's random and sometimes the nail is struck squarely on the flat top. Remember Dick Tracy? See the Apple watch. Six two and even, over and out.
We really were having so much fun and along came reality to piss on our parade. At least I continued babbling of a sort. The lawn guy lead me to think about how Jackson is acting quite bipolar in reaching out needy one day and pushing me away the next and I am starting to wonder how healthy her relationship really is as Brandy has her shut away and my gut is starting to not feel good about it. Then there were shots outside and the party across the street broke up rather quickly after that. That lead me to realize I've been spending way too much and not saving enough and I am stuck in this place a while longer. All that brought the loneliness factor way up and luckily, sleep is calling now.
Sometimes we live on slippery slopes and wear uncomfortable shoes. I guess we either fly or fall. Hopefully we will all fly. Take care of yourself out there.
Friday, June 16, 2017
This is becoming an annoyance as the lawn guy seems to not understand that Eb owns this house and Eb decides if the lawn is to be cut and Eb pays for the lawn to be cut and if Eb is not home then there is no point in banging on the door or ringing the doorbell. The lawn guy is either seriously dense or he is testing to see if Friday night is a good night to break into this house because he continues to come back banging on the door and ringing the bell (sometimes waking me) asking if the awn should be cut or when he is going to be paid when Eb's motor scooter is not outside (meaning he is not home). Tonight I am ignoring the door and the knocking (which turned into banging) and am reaching the point of annoyance. I am tired of going to the door repeatedly on Friday evenings to say Eb's not here and I don't know when he will be back and I don't have your money, it's Eb's house and Eb pays you to do his lawn, it's not my house or my lawn so please stop waking me up. Only to hear Oh, I'm sorry, will you tell him I came by? Maybe it's a cultural thing... or he's just dense. Or else.
Anyway, the third time the lawn guy returned louder than ever, it was distracting enough to stop the writing and I was on a row and really enjoying the solitary world of my imagination and maybe even close to the core of profundity of everythng (or something like that).
I guess I have to start going out on Friday nights even when softball is rained out.
Windows open, air conditioner on, complaints of high electric bills. Windows open letting the high humidity in, air conditioner constantly fighting the heat and humidity, more complaints of high electric bills. Today was a cold day at the office. They keep the air conditioner down near 60 there, or at least all of use wearing sweaters and many using space heaters feel like that. Lots of paperwork done. I almost picked up the Commodore at the airport and headed to his place to play Bridge, but his plane was delayed several hours so I headed home, stuffed my face with canned food, and then, played computer games while Family Guy continued to amuse and annoy me.
How was your day?
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Wandered a few parks today while the sun was out and made it back to the office just in time for rain. Tok care of driver issues and a few other things. Set up a meeting with a citizen tomorrow to discuss her trespasser issues. All in all another beautiful day in the neighborhood. Hoe to food and then to bed, waking around midnight or later and sitting up here. No massive missives today. See yesterday for linkage and more depth. Sleep soon. Miss you, whomever you are.
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
I stayed away from Facebook, but still I could not sleep. I turned on the news and saw the shit was getting deep. I wrote another epic rant for promises I meant to keep and left myself in la la land without making a peep. So tomorrow I shall go to work on less sleep than I've gone to work with since starting the new job and I've stopped drinking the coffee (which is why the caffeine I drank tonight has such a profound effect). There is a part of me torn up bad inside for staying away from the city and the celebrations of life and love and the remembrances - and all the people who would have welcomed me with open arms and emotional hugs. I told myself it was too far, it was a work night, I was just recovering from a bad cold and finally felt the bug was almost gone, all sort of good rational logical reasons to not drive forty minutes in the rain to stand in the rain for hours just to feel so painfully alone after all. Still, I feel just as alone now as I would have had I gone, maybe. I wonder what might have been.
I'll never know because I stayed away.
Monday, June 12, 2017
Alone, only sort of feeling sorry for myself because I don't necessarily want to go out anywhere and don't really want to be around people tonight because I want to be seriously serious and I've yet to find anyone who shares my seriously serious and tonight is not a night I want to try to find someone who does so I listen to reruns of Family Guy and stuff my face with canned food and chips because this is the first night in a week or more that I don't feel sick and the cold that settled in the gums finally doesn't hurt so it is almost gone but I will continue to rinse vigorously as I sit here typing these words to recap the day... worked, work is still a pleasure but that's what I did, worked, then came home and ate and ate some more and typed these words. I wish I could say I gave up food for love (I would) or even I was a food for love (makes sense to me) but I actually traded love for food because love failed me and food amazes me even it will only kills me in he end and I'd rather die for love and I do but all by myself seriously, what?... as if, right? and oh, did I mention I drank caffeine for the first time in a week?
Food for love.
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Sleeping in is fun. Resting is fun. So after sleeping in and resting, I check the website and see the fields are still open so I headed to softball under growing clouds. I call the fields and they confirm games are still on. About two minutes later the girl from the park office calls me back and tells me they called off the games. I guess she looked out the window and asked someone. So I called Helen and we decided on dinner before my card game. I stopped at the store before heading there to buy yet more mouth medicines. I found two more cheap work shirts. Then hung out with Helen at her house until e went to dinner. Eating carefully, I left stuffed and headed to the card game. I finally won something, finishing in third place. So I ended up $20 ahead. Headed home and wrote a but and then, to bed. Fun, aye?
Saturday, June 10, 2017
So what's the story? Catching up? Is anybody reading? Well, the bad cold I had worked it's way all through my head and the immune system battled back valiantly from place to place in the head. This week it settled into the gums as cold sores and I'm battling with antiseptic mouth wash, warm salt water, and today I will pick up some oral medicines. The bug is isolated now in one big cold sore on the lower right gum line and I am trying to keep it from getting into the teeth or roots. That's all, just relaxing and rinsing.
Friday, June 9, 2017
The work life continues to be all I wanted to find in a job (except of course taking up ten hours a day five days a week, though I can fit in thing I need to do during the day most days since I am in and out of the office on my own schedule most of the time). Once again softball was rained out and instead of going out somewhere or finding out if any of the teams are going out, I stayed home. Except for running out to get ice cream. Mmmmmm, ice cream. and the internet, writing, and once again, Family Guy. I've been listening to it (and glancing up now and then) while writing and from the first season and I'm somewhere in season 14. Life is good.Yes, lonely at times and somewhat dull, but good.
Thursday, June 8, 2017
Wednesday, June 7, 2017
First I supervised and coordinated random drug testing, then I drove 30 minutes to investigate and document an office flooding, then I stopped at the softball fields to use the bathroom and the internet so I could respond to emails and do some desk tasks, and then some desk work back a the office. After work I headed to Jackson's for my first visit and we went to a yummy dinner and the gums might be a little better as treatments continue and continued caring is in the forecast, though dark clouds make visibility limited.
have fun out there, and take care of each other. Yourself too.
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
Hopefully it is just temporary but I have mouth issues. I laugh as I think without u, they'd be moth issues but that's just me distracting myself with semantics. The cold, bacterial or viral, settled in the gums and pointed out the neglect of teeth and gums in my mouth and the remedy is tearing the mouth apart. Brushing is tearing away gum tissue. Peroxide, salt, and antiseptic rinses are eating away the dead skin and exposing the plaque and decay on the teeth. It's like a war zone in there. Hopefully I won't lose any teeth. The body s struggling.
Distracting, no doubt. Otherwise, work is wonderful and I am wonderful and if I can find my will ower again, the body just might survive.
How are you?
Monday, June 5, 2017
Fighting the inevitable winner, that is. Disease, decay, death. Yes, I still battle that big that attacked some time last month and while it is much weaker than it has been, it is taking it's toll. I may have be well in a few days or weeks or I may have congestive heart failure (all the symptoms are present including the gum rot). Of course it could just be gum rot and I'll lose most of my teeth, I mean, my heart has always checked out great. I suppose I should see and doctor and dentist one of these days.
I decided to start brushing my teeth.
No softball, boo. So I slept in. No softball, blah. Nothing to do. So I ate and watched TV and ate some more and watched more TV and ate some more. So much for dropping weight (I dropped 10 pounds recently, I think). I could have gone out, but I just didn't feel like going anywhere. It rained. I texted with a couple of people. More TV, more food. Foolish self-indulgent party. Fun, aye? Should have gone to sleep hours ago.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Because I am not getting enough sleep most nights and I am not getting any younger and I am still wide awake at 4am (in other words lonely and hanging on the hope that I'm alright... the links hold secrets, if you care) and the summer is returning again and playing softball in the afternoon heat is more challenging than ever (more fluids, more cooling, less stamina, less ability to cool down properly and the BP medication makes it even harder, pant pant pant).
Two games this afternoon, lost one, won one. Any win is surprising for this Saturday team as it is mostly new players making a lot of simple fundamental mistakes. I was oozy running bases in the second game, but continued pitching and held the other team who are good seasoned players. We would have won the first game against the best team in the league if we did not make so many errors. Fun, exhausting, fun.
After softball I showered at Helen's and then we went to an Indian restaurant we had been wanting to try and it was excellent. Appetizers and meals ran $35 a piece. We will try their lunch buffet one of these days.
After dinner I headed to play cards with the softball poker players. Still have not won (money goes to the first, second, and third place finishers and there are usually ten or more at the table, but it's fun. Today was expensive, but much fun.
I don't feel like sleeping now, so I will watch a movie on Hulu. Anybody want to join me?
Saturday, June 3, 2017
So tired, the creativity is numb. I've become dumb. Like the end of Voices, bot, did those writers run out of creativity fast. Earlier I whammed myself with Phantom of the Opera. There are no words. I even crossed over to the past, still hoping someone might care about it all, and I mean it all. S'ok, it was a long day and softball was cancelled so I say here lonely and endured a cathartic experience. I ate pasta and then rinsed multiple times to continue killing the cold bug that is still bugging me on the head and now, internal cold sores. I should sleep, but I keep hoping someone will knock on the door and fall in love with me and I don't want to miss her.
Thursday, June 1, 2017
The eyes are blurry more frequently these days for a number of reasons (what number?... what does that mean anyway?). Sleeplessness, mostly. Busy life, cough interference at night, excess weight, high sugar, all the stuff making focus more challenging than it needs to be. Anyway, that's life these days. Don't wanna go blind, so do something about it. Somebody cares, right?
Picked up Jackson and Brandy at the airport and in spite of being ready to fall asleep hours ago, I am not wired, bleary blurry-eyed, but wired. They are engaged, after all. I contained my excitement as they just wanted a ride home, but they are engaged! Yeah, so anyway, a busy day at the office and much busier day staring 7:30 am tomorrow so I really should sleep. The cough is nagging, so I am sucking the intense drops. I am thirsty, but more fluids will just make it more challenging. The cold has moved into the throat and jaw and sinuses it is attacking the gums and so I must find a way to mouth-wash with antiseptic a few times an hour. And eat as little food as possible. A liquid diet would be wise.
Really, I'm having fun and loving life, just sick. Must focus on fighting this bug.
Alone. Again. Still not naturally.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Thursday, May 25, 2017
There was a time I would fall in love with these guys but today is not the day for that. The words they wrote, that was me in way back when. Back when I was publishing The Writer's Exchange (wow, there was only one when I as publishing) and Paper Fantasies and Steve was publishing The Letter Exchange (still going... Steve retired and others took over). I have laundry to do between coughs and somehow need to focus on controlling the cough enough to sleep so I can wake early and get to ... house to caught a ride to the tournament. So easily distracted, so easily amused, no wonder everyone who comes near me is confused.
lol... lam... sigh.
But oh, how I loved going to the mailbox and finding words. :)
Sitting under power lines watching a generator that attacked a man's arm and almost ate it this afternoon, I realized how much I miss Stephen King. And babbling. Not that I will suddenly babble or read another Stephen King novel, but I miss both. Naturally I will continue to be redundant in spite of everything. The day was long, monitoring random drug testing in the morning, responding to an emergency call in the afternoon, then sitting and waiting for the results of x-rays to determine how seriously the generator will be investigated. Luckily the man did not lose the arm, so the investigation will be in house within the department and likely cursory. Meanwhile, in spite of the massive thunderstorm, I still didn't die
I fell asleep shortly after arriving home, then woke 4 hours later and moaned a bit, pooped, wandered, ate some soup and later on, hot pockets, and now, here we are. I should try to sleep some more, but the hacking fits of previous nights have me cautious about laying down. I bought all sorts of cough drop things today, but left them all at work. Doh. Thirsty, but trying to dehydrate the nasal tubes, even if that is counter-productive for the overall cold-bug war. Sleep is the most important healing factor of all. Especially in the absence of caring.
In case in matters.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
I think I still remember a time when I was not sick, when I was not gauging my every move by wither I can repress the coughing enough to do whatever it is I wanted to do. Like speaking, for instance. Or sleeping. Its been a few rough nights and I am seriously burnt out and the cough get quite out of control and the body hurts all over and Eb is acting oblivious and nobody in life outside of work is around and I should not be spreading germs around work but it is a lingering cold and I don't have two weeks to stay home and die.
So I am pushing the limits beyond limits known before as I usually do. More blogs, more risks, more life.
Dinner for Tinman's birthday was odd thanks to the usual suspects, a judgmental corner sniper and then Harpo and Sarducci, both too depressed to stop their pity-party long enough to join in the celebration and as usual, they left early, but in the end, fun. Poor people, so many challenges, so little time. I didn't cough much and enjoyed food and babbling about whatever.
Sleep is not easy.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
You may be the only one who knows for sure and then again, who knows anything for sure, for sure? I am so sick tonight and still, awake, writing, babbling, scratching and clawing to find hope someone will find these words (or something like that) in this cyber bottle and fall in love and come and save me from this prison of terminal loneliness (or at least cut the bad drama). Amuse me, I'm easy, but first, help me get well again.
Until then, distraction. Time keeps on slipping slipping slipping slipping . . .
Monday, May 22, 2017
Yeah, the gang decided to go to a different sports bar tonight where the girls wear almost nothing and the food is very bar-food-like. Wise? Of course not. I am sick sick sick and at death's door (I nodded off t the fields yesterday after the games and --- stayed to make sure I could walk to the car and checked on me to make sure I could drive and then checked to make sure I got home safely. Sweetheart, I miss playing cards with him Tuesday nights. I don't miss the Curly-dominated pig-outs though.
So instead, I pigged out with the softball friends. Crappy food though. I really need to sleep more and this week is not set up for it. Thursday night I must crash immediately after work or I will certainly just keep getting sicker and I really do not think I want to die in spite of the careless whispers and behavior to the contrary.
No one's saved my life tonight.
Narf sigh heave...
Aching all over, cramping, head wonky and sinuses pounding and all because I want to be 16 years old and play hard through the cold/flu that is ravaging my sinuses and throat. Headed to the end of season party at the local bar and stuffed the face and belly with barbecue something, meatballs, chicken wings, pigs in blankets (not just me), cole slaw, potato salad, and a lot of water. Yum, cramp, wooze, but good people to hang out with. So tired, so sick, so stupid. Hopefully I wont die and I'll get some sleep this week.
And she had fun fun fun till...
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Sometimes I feel like the universe wants me to die happy, albeit superficially. So I did not have the heart to beat the team I wanted to go to the World Series with this season which left their fate in their own hands and they did what they needed to do, they beat the second place team to move into second place and earn a berth in the World Series. I felt bad for the former second place team as I like them too, but I really did not want to go to the world series with the first place team and it got down to the wire. We lost 12-10 and I could have driven in the tying runs, but I did not feel it at the plate so I just got a single. Had to beat out a good throw too.
But that universe, ya see. --- asked me to pitch for his team as they were short players. So I started the game but then their players showed up and I just helped coach and then their shortstop broke a finger so I went back in the game giving me a chance to finish the season with a good hit. I went for it and burned the right fielder. As I rounded second I could see it might be close at third so I sped up and made it standing up just before the ball and the third baseman dropped the ball, it hit my foot and I saw a chance so I headed home and made it. The universe (and a good friend) gave me the opportunity for my last hit of the season to be a home run.
I almost died.
The wallet is about $50 lighter and I mostly had fun playing poker, but this $50 a week drain on what is supposed to be savings time is not going to continue for long. Good to have new people to play with, but still not meeting anyone I can feel like getting close to. No healthy influences. No depths. Sleep would have been so much wiser as this body is fighting a head cold that may be getting fluish. Don't let the sun go down on me, m'ok? Softball in the morning sleep now.
Miss you, miss me, miss loving and being loved.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Not just be the cold and flu bug that has taken over this body, but the Friday night softball team really sucks this season and I am frustrated because I am not helping and the Friday night coach may be very sorry she invited me back. Though tonight the other pitcher got blown out for 12 runs and it would have been worse if the run rule did not save him, so it's not just my pitching, it's an overall lack of defense and hitting on the whole team. Getting back to going out to the local bar afterward on Friday nights is fun again.
If only I was not so sick. I really should stay in bed a few days, or something like that.
Where is the Nurse when I need her the most?
Narf lol sigh :}
Friday, May 19, 2017
Blogwise, that is. The idiot's adjective. excuse me while I like fuck this guy (for no apparent reason), like-wise, . .
. what I mean is, this was the day described yesterday, I think, and yesterday I was just starting to feel quite ill or something like that. Random distractions shall be my saviour or the death of me.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Yes, the head cold has blown up and the world is far away. I recede deep into the cranial capacitor and watch the world move slowly by through foggy eyes. Then again, it is me slowing down. Down. Down. Chills. Aches. Nose dripping non-stop. Crushing the energy. It's all in the mind, I know, and I am letting it go. See the rules of the pity party, if you can find them.
Work in spite of it all. Two germophobes spray disinfectant in my wake.
It would almost be funny if I was not dying.
Still getting fatter too.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Softball happened again, a lot of softball. So much caffeine is draining the brain and killing the immune system and the head cold is rushing in to take over and try to kill this body, no joke. Chills in the evening after running the bases, domination pitching, it's good to know the umpires. Should have gone home to sleep, but then, this is not home. The comforts are absent. The temperature fluctuations are deadly. The body is not doing well. This is gonna be a long week. Or longer. I may get repetitive before we are done. Repetitious, even.
What's a little redundancy between friends...
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
I did it again, no oops, and it makes for a very long week. The emptiness consumes the memories, that is why the pity party is thrown. The theory is that the memories are more painful than the emptiness. We still await proof. We still await everything. It could have ll been said before (and on and on and ad infinitum, or something like that). I left my heart in San Fracisco, Monterey, Toronto, New York, New York, Brooklyn, Canarsie, and several other places I may or may not remember. The emptiness, remember? Oh that's right, we don't.
No really, I survived another day, I just don't remember how or why. Or what happened.
It really was no miracle...
Narf lol :)
Monday, May 15, 2017
So instead of wisely going to bed, I went to Hulu and watched Legion instead. Now in the seventh episode, wondering how softball will go tomorrow night on just a couple of hours sleep. The loneliness got me again. Mother's day reminded me that I have no family. I know we are all alone, it is the nature of life in reality, separate living organisms. People share an illusion of bonding and connection and unity and oneness when their consciousness and perspective is close enough to share the illusion of sharing (tricky little bugger, this life experience, isn't it?). Anyway, I trust someone to share the illusion of family and share unconditional love and trust they will stay family and then, poof, they are gone when they don't need me anymore. Again and again. Alone again, etc. etc.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
A week ago I started writing as I did a couple or few years ago, multiple entries, writing as it happens, comfortable, casual, believing someone someday will actually care to know. Believing someone might ever actually care today. I must have blinked because a week just passed (I fixed that though) and I did not even notice I was not on the laptop at all.
Maybe reality set in.... or something like that.
Today I did laundry, cleaned out the car, tidied up the place a bit. No softball. Mother's Day. I threw a food pity party and sort of accepted my place in this world in this life. Sigh.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Sleeping in is nice. I headed to softball and we won, in spite of some lost focus in one inning when I walked two batters and gave up a few runs. We won because the game was rained out in the sixth and we were ahead. The umpire had a low strike zone which is dangerous for the pitcher pitching very low pitches because many batters will hit those back up the middle. Anyway, after softball I headed to Wal-Mart to buy some clothes and then to Helen's and for a shower. We drove out to to pick up my credit card (that I left in the Mt Dora restaurant last week when I had dinner with Jane) and then drove around some more. We stopped at one restaurant that had changed owners since Helen had been there last and left after finding ants crawling on our table. College Park to Mt. Dora to Eustis to Deland to Sanford to College Park and back to Sanford.
Tried the Seafood restaurant I wanted to try here and it was disappointing. Good, but not worth the price. Still, a good day and evening and now, good night.
Friday, May 12, 2017
I've missed Friday night softball and going out to the sports bar afterwards with some of the players. I am happy the Friday night team invited me back. Unfortunately, I sucked tonight. We lost big. I took myself out after two innings and the other team only got a few more runs after than but they won 13-3. I knocked in one of the three runs we scored and errors accounted for many of the runs we gave up, so we didn't just loose because I walked a few batters. I think they didn't ask me to pitch when they moved from one park to another a couple of seasons ago because I seem to play poorly on Friday nights. I wish I could play better on Fridays.
The food was great afterwards and I enjoyed the company. I might be going to Atlanta with an upper division team for a tournament. So maybe I don't play as poorly as I perceive my play after all. Stay positive.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
I've missed Thursday Night Bridge at Excel and the Commodore's place, but if I stay out late on Thursdays I am useless for softball Friday nights and I want to keep more exercise in my routine. Sitting all evening eating and playing cards is just not healthy for me and I do not want to blow up my weight the way all of them have. I miss them though. nd my eating habits are worse than ever. Quite the phase this is, no doubt. I still am not going to sleep early though, fix this next week, m'ok?
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
More effective than the pattern I am in would be early to bed to get more sleep Tuesday and Thursday, but for now I am giving into sleep after dinner on Wednesday nights so I am fast asleep now. I typically wake about now to empty the bladder and then go back to sleep. The body and mind work better with a few nights sleep each week.
Work is really good.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
I miss cards, but Tuesday night cards are not happening these days because I am tired. I need rest Tuesday nights after four days/nights of softball. I miss some of the players, but the fact is I don't miss the judgmental insensitivity, mockery, and controlling ways Curly settled into last year. He and ... like to laugh at or put down any idea they don't like or don't agree with and they do not seem to realize (or they do, but don't care) they scoff at my whole life's work and philosophy. He's actually walked out of cards because the Commodore and I (who have similar views) discussed our philosophy. Controlling small minds are challenging to have fun with.
Still, I miss Excel, the Commodore, and ... and cards.
Sleep is good though.
Monday, May 8, 2017
I've been waiting such a long time (and not just for Saturday) and this is how the optimism rises to epic proportions and I change th world (or at least mine). Just when I am too tired to do anything, life becomes amusing as ever. Softball was fun tonight. We won 9-3, I batted in two even though I didn't get a hit. Too tired. I pitched pretty much lights out though. Two errors gave up two of the three runs, one of them mine. I did not drink the kool aid tonight (mountain dew kick start, 60 calories and a jolt of caffeine is my typical before softball drink. I was nodding off before the game so I decided I'd try to go without it and as usual I can pitch in my sleep but hitting takes being awake. I think I will nod off soon which will be a good thing. so how have you been?
I'll be right here waiting for you.
I mean, how are you? I know you car, you just got in that rut of not communicating and so only you and those who have faith in you know it. Even I get to that who cares? moment now and then (did I just last entry?), but reality is you care about me and I care about you and we have the luxury of not ever having to show it to know it, believe it, and even receive it. Self-awareness, we can achieve it.
Long work day, just arriving back here and pausing in the madness to write this entry before heading to softball. I spent the morning cleaning up data and formatting it for a new software import I will do Wednesday. I spent the afternoon inspecting the newest softball fields in town, taking photos, and writing up the report. Time for some food, leftover stuffed cabbage (did I mention that I splurged on TooJays last night?). Then softball. Hope you had fun today too. Yeah, I care and I'm asking... how about you? :)
So the lonelies lead to sleepiness again. I have friends, daytime friends, superficial friends, playtime friends, all the friends a growing boy could have, all but that friend who lays awake staring at the stars talking until sunrise. That's the friend I am missing. Most nights I fall asleep and wake and work and play and sleep and work and play and sleep and so on. Some nights, like tonight, I am watching TV to distract myself from the lonelies and I am tired tired tired in the morning. Fascinating, isn't it?
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Ate least with the current lifestyle I have chosen, weekends are fun, but expensive, fattening, and lonely. Lonely because I don't trust people anymore. People say all the right things to get close, take as much as they can get, and then move on when I have nothing left to give. Sometimes they come back for more when they hear I have something to give again, but they are not there for me, they are only out for themselves. Alas, lonely sucks. Fattening because I indulge my taste buds out of loneliness and I splurge on expensive food because I can because I get momentary physical and emotional satisfaction. I play softball Saturdays and Sundays and hang out with softball friends and have a lot of fun, but it's not enough exercise to burn the calories I consume so I am getting fatter, poorly, and still lonely.
But weekends are fun.
Saturday, May 6, 2017
I could wake up and play softball at 8am and then again after noon and then, dinner and parties and lately, like tonight, I had two parties to choose from. I went to the one that cost me %40, the poker night at the softball friends place. Something different from the usual game night parties with older friends. Still not finding social activities where I might meet new people who might become intimate, but hey, expanding the social sphere is happening. I'll keep hoping against hope someone will understand and care.
Saturday was fun. Hope yours was too. :)
Friday, May 5, 2017
What is missing is love, intimacy, best friend sharing, someone who cares to share life... so I stuffed myself with Ben & Jerry's Truffle Kerfuffle and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough along with a Wah Wah Long John after twenty fried chicken wins (10 hot hot teriyaki and ten smokey barbecue) and watching formula-driven internet TV and here we are. Another work day, long and fun, with time for myself tossed in. Finally got the oil changed in the car. Saving $40 buy getting it done at Wal-Mart did not prove as wise as it seems as I spent more than $100 during the hour and a half I wandered around the store waiting for the oil change to be done. Then back to the office, conscientiousness abounds since I could have headed home because they did not expect me back at the office today as the training was scheduled for the full day. From work to softball, Friday night softball again. Unfortunately I was tired and unprepared and the team we played was much better than we were, but we had fun.
Sleep smothers me, soon.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Woke up after decent sleep time and headed to work only to realize I had to be somewhere else so I grabbed some work and headed to that other place and sat for most of the day listening to a rather annoying obese short-of-breath sometimes confused lecturer teach emergency management. Poorly. I was a lot more productive during lunch, getting a lot of work done. After work, I headed back to my office because one of our assistants needed help finding paperwork. She found it on her desk after I assured her that I processed the paperwork and sent it to my boss. He had no incident paperwork left on his desk, so she looked at her stuff closer and found it. No acknowledgement that she was accusatory in her communications but she is very OCD which makes her good at what she does.
Headed home and then headed far away to meet Jane for dinner. We walked for about an hour after dinner around the neighborhood to a lake and then headed home and here we are. The real action is here.
Good day, hope yours was too. :)
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Not blogging everyday, I must depend on memory to fill in the gaps in this blog and the other blog and the blog life and the epoch recording of this life I loosely call mine for you and me and posterity and you know, so on and so forth and scooby dooby do dah day o yeah we all wanna go one some time or another when we are not afraid to admit it.
Worked all day, stopped for dinner at Wolfy's, yummy, stuffed, fell asleep early.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
The next entry preceded this one and this title shows it. Today was... well... a faded memory. Worked, yes, I work every day Monday through Friday now. Lots of work and I enjoy all of it. After work I almost fell asleep and them not. Sleeping little. Not going to the card nights lately. Too far to drive. Too many influences I do not want to be around. So I remain in limbo by choice. Let's of good reasons I'll think about some more because I don't feel like writing about it.
All is well, mostly. LOL.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
There are dozens more entries in the detail babbling blog than there are here and this is the easier less time consuming blog so there is not explanation for the difference except that the babbler must babbler even when I don't really feel like recording the daily life.
Softball was as weird as ever today (and it's been weird long the way). Coach has issues. Tried to punish me for thinking about moving to another team because of the drama and disrespect Assistant Coach and now I am getting. He said I wasn't pitching today. So I told another team I would sub for them. As is usually the case, he was coaching his other team when our game started and we only had eight players show up so the person he asked to do the coaching asked me to pitch. So I pitched. I had to tell the other coach he had to find another sub. Did Coach know he didn't have enough players when he told me I was not going to pitch? I he just that bad a Coach or is he just that vindictive? As I said, weird day.
Still, I am determined to have fun, so I did.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
Relaxing day, I think. Went to somewhere, then to softball but there was no softball because it was cancelled so I went to Harpo's and had a snack from Pickle's and played a few games with him and then headed to meet Helen for dinner at the World Buffet and then headed to cards at the new game I was invited to by softball umpires. I ost $30 but had fun. It was a 45 minute ride so I might not do it every Saturday night, but I have an invite. Home after midnight, but you know the date is relative. Writing, finally sleep.
In case it matters.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Food is my only friend outside of softball and work these days. Too many calories. But yum. Never enough. Blah blah blah. Work is wonderful. Balancing office work at the computer, revising emergency plans and evacuation plans and so on and so forth with visiting the many facilities and properties owned by the county. Getting to know people and enjoying the respect of the title. Important job, they tell me. Home alone, again naturally.
Monday, April 24, 2017
Maybe it is because I have nothing planned for tomorrow that takes much brain power, but after 16 hours out at work and then at the softball fields and feeling the absolute limits of the belt that tells me it is time to stop growing the belly, I ate a salad and a eggplant parm sub and half a meatball parm sub all cold and then a cannoli and still I want more.
And how was your day?
Sunday, April 23, 2017
I woke up tired after giving a lot of energy and receiving little back last night, but I showered and headed out to the fields for the 10am game only to find out the other team forfeited earlier in the week and Coach didn't bother letting me know. Disrespect. Inconsideration. They probably posted the information on Facebook. Thing is, a couple of players do not even have a Facebook, but they somehow knew not to show up for the first game. Then, the game. The usual disrespect from the two children and again, Coach did nothing. Finally one said don't be stupid after I called out to Coach about something and I said let's not call each other stupid and the other child told me to stop trying to coach and let Coach coach the team.
I pulled coach aside between innings and told Coach I'll be moving to another team next season and asked him to put in another pitcher so they can get started getting used to not having me as their pitcher. At least three other teams have been literally begging me to join them for a few years, so it is time to move on. The disrespect is enough to make playing with what used to be my team no fun anymore.
Sad. I did well, shutting down the other team, striking out several. I went three for three, triple, two singles, and I also walked. I scored all three times. We won. But winning isn't everything. Still sad.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Slept in late, played and watched softball all afternoon, called Harpo and Tinman and went to help put a bed together then went to dinner at the Chinese buffet then went to Harpo's to chat and feel good about the laughter and friendliness I brought (Harpo doesn't laugh much, but I was in the mood I used to get in a lot, the mood to selflessly entertain a friend and it worked well). I get the altruistic reward and the good feeling of helping others, but I don't get the selfless caring about me. Maybe I never will. I wonder if I ever have. If I did, it didn't last.
Somehow, today, I gave the way I used to. Feels good. Alone, sad, but good.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Working full time takes so many waking hours out of a life. Energy is depleted by the time I get home, so TV is the primary activity more and more often as driving an hour and getting home really late is not appealing anymore. Staying home alone leaves little more than food as the great physical thrill for each day. Sleep comes, reluctantly, as I stay awake hoping something more will come along. A friend. Love. Motivation to take life seriously again.
This blog has no readers (or few) mostly because it is depressing whining negative perspective. All the crap of life that doesn't go just right gets dumped into words in these daily blogs and I move along back to the offline real world happy again.
Processing is no fun to read I suppose.
But if you want to know me...
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Sometimes there is little to say. Sometimes there is nothing to say. Sometimes there is nothing positive to say so energy is not wasted on the negative after releasing it in the whining complaining wah wah or babbling distractions. Day three of the IS-300 training went well. Ending early, I headed to the Toyota dealer that was across the street from where I bought the car and they said two hours to change the oil and they might charge more depending on what they find. They let you know up front they are looking for ways to charge more. Honest crooks forged in capitalism. I did not want to stretch my lunch hour to three hours so I headed back toward the office. I stopped at a Walmart on the way and found they had a $44 deal on my particular oil change (Toyota requires expensive synthetic oil and the dealer wants $84). At least an hour and a half there. I stopped at the neighborhood Chinese buffet for lunch. Then headed back to the office.
After work I drove to the closest Walmart near here and found they would be at least two hours for the oil change. I'll try again 6:30 one morning next week. The il change is way way way way way overdue (I must have mentioned when it was due somewhere back in this blog). Whatever, aye?
Gonna put headphones on now and listen to internet TV. Feel free to converse anytime.
Sunday, April 16, 2017
I really miss watching TV with friends. I don't even have friends to talk about favorite shows anymore. I really got used to watching shows with Jackson over the years and adjusting to life without a friend is taking it's toll. It is much more noticeable now that I am working and have little time for TV.
Are those Whipporwills on TV?
Narf lol :)
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Ok, so I don't blog as much as I used to. It is time to articulate that this site, Blogger, is one big reason. The Dashboard was always one of the best features for accessing and organizing multiple blogs. The Dashboard is gone and months of complaints to Google has fallen on deaf ears. If I find another blog site that suits multiple blogs better, I will move there.
A Dashboard is supposed to give simple access to a website. This one no longer does.
Friday, April 14, 2017
Just another day in this cramped dirty space with this weird distant roommate. He put on a movie and I ask about it and he gives me yes no answers, no invitation to come watch it with him. He likes his privacy. I am tired of sitting in my room. Bored tonight. The child inside wants to come out to play buy he's been completely not welcoming. Not rude, just not welcoming. One word answers to a dozen conversation starters. He's the kind of person/roommate who does not acknowledge a sneeze. So I remain in my room and search for another roommate on roommate dot com and eat spaghettios from a can with a hot dog bun smeared with fat free mayo cuz I don't feel like anything warm to eat cuz it's over 80 degrees in this place and I don't feel like cleaning cuz he's watching a movie in the dark and the kitchen is wide open to the living room. There is no comfortable place to sit in the living room anyway, even if I clear the clutter from the very old couches to make myself a seat.
The good news is I am ansy after not going out to play all week. I played ruzzle. I could fall asleep very easily, but I want to share some fun. Love would be a fair substitute lol :)
Feel free to jump in anytime...
Thursday, April 13, 2017
That must be why I am not blogging regularly. Then again, the changes to Google-Blogger's "Dashboard" has a lot to do with my not coming here as much as I used to. Google apparently wants active users gone. I am writing regularly. When I get home on time from work, I cook something in the microwave or pick up some food or wine about not having food and not wanting to cook in the dirty kitchen while watching TV on the internet. Then, when Eb gets home I switch from TV to searching the net for ways to find roommates and friends. Lately, every other night I stay up late and then crash early the next night. Actually, this pattern was not very consistent until this week. Still, blogging is not happening. You may have noticed.
Monday, April 10, 2017
Once again there is not enough time for babbling or for editing and uploading the other writings I've been doing for the blogs or any other sort of publishing endeavor. At east I remember to return here for a brief synopsis of the day, in case it matters. Slept in for a change, now that the formal full-day observation part of the ratings committee work is done. We had a 1pm game and we won, not because we played any better than last week, but because the other team simply could not hit and did not field well. I watched a few games afterward, then headed here, stopping along the way for food. Laundry filled the evening, though I did not get it done because Eb said he wanted to do his but then he didn't get home until 1:30am so I could have finished all of my laundry. Roommates.
I wandered Meetup between washing and folding clothes. No connections, but I continued reaching out so that keeps hope shining bright. I added some entries to some of the seldom visted blogs, though links will wait for another time. Rarely enough time to do all I want to do, and that is life. Work will require more coffee than usual tomorrow as I will not get a whole lot of sleep. So much to do, so much to do.
Hope your day smiled :)
Sunday, April 9, 2017
Days roll past, holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, take your pick. Even April Fool's are not keeping up with the time passing. Living in limbo, loving much of the experience and yet, not sitting comfortably all the time and only partially relaxing and not sleeping enough so the toll will show after a while. Party at Sarducci's new house tonight with the usual gaming crowd. Softball tomorrow, so sleep soon. Work is wonderful, to say the least (and I am saying the least). Still haven't gotten the car in for service. Writing daily in letters to J and/or my notes and other places (see the last few entries) and introduction sites like roommates and meetup as slowly work on the project of finding a bigger place to live. The new jobs not a hassle and I have no kids here, but it's sure nice talking to you, yeah, it's sure nice talking to you.
I miss you, even though you may have never been here.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Yeah, so I still didnt get back to this or to the comment, inspiration, catching up, and babbling building up in the pipeline in the brain and hopefully I get to it before too many circuits overload cuz that seldom ends well. Today was busy from 7am through now.
More progress building relationships and adapting to the job, continued the social life that brings me home after 11pm, and took care of some business with Michael (the consulting job which may be winding down as he finally found someone who may be able to work full time there). Last night was softball. Tomorrow night is a softball ratings committee meeting. Travel times take up a lot of the evenings. Thirty minutes to softball each way. Fifty minutes to cards each way. About the sme, depending on traffic, to the softball meeting tomorrow night so it will be another ate night.
Sleep, dream, but sleep now.
Peace beckons :)
Sunday, March 26, 2017
So I never did get back here (or to that other wind or the comments, for that matter) in spite of the inspiration from the world famous Dangerspouse, but here's a brief entry to maybe start the process of daily blogging up again.
Woke up, fell out of bed... showered and headed to softball. Did my ratings committee thing before and after my game. We won, but almost gave it away. We have a shaky team this season, as usual. Every season Coach just seems to want to start over. Anyway, I take it week by week and do my thing and we pulled out another win today. We only actually gave away one game, so we are 4-1.
Returned to this room, my temporary home, and microwaved some food. Eggplant and some meatballs and cheese. Eb (the new roommate... check About The People for some updates and clues to the changes that I have yet to catch up on) and I decided to push some conversation and even moved my chair into the hallway. He told me about his day and then actually started clearing the table. We watched an episode of Star Trek:NG and I retired to my room to check in on my consulting job, email, and found my way here.
I have been writing a lot, much of it in letters to J (thank you J).
More to follow?
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
That was where it was a bit earlier. Like about the time this entry was titled. I had a long day and got little accomplished. I worked for Michael's company for four and a half hours this morning. Then I searched for apartments online for three and a half hours and found rents are seriously crazy in good neighborhoods. A thousand dollars a month for the lowest decent place without extras. With the serious cut in salary, I must find a roommate. The odds of that happening before I find a place are slim, extremely slip. The odds of my getting a place with a first paycheck is slim too. Still, I must look and tomorrow I must go look at places. Anyway, after that went out and I paid for the PO Box. I stopped by Harpo's and we went to Tinman's and then back to Harpo's for dinner and then Helen called and I went to her place to fix her sink and then I went back up to where Harpo and Tinman lives to go to the Apple store because that's why I drove up there in the first place. The Apple genius told me the battery is fine, but some app is draining it so I should reset the phone after backing it up. Unfortunately, the phone won't back up without a password and I don't have the password. I may need to buy a new phone. Maybe all this is why I don't feel so well.
And now, The Maharaja comes in asking what successes I had today.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
I went up to the area of the new job to explore the neighborhoods and see where I would want to live and I found out what I already knew by reputation but I had to see it with my own eyes. The areas with under $100 a month rents are dangerous. The good places are over $1000 for small one bedrooms. Over $1200 for two bedrooms. That will be challenging to get since I am just started a job that qualifies.
I spent the afternoon continuing to organize at Michael's company. They still need a lot of help. I sure can use the money. I'll just have to survive the lack of sleep. Anything's possible.
Monday, February 27, 2017
I finally got the go ahead to work part time from Michael after I spent about three hours doing work for his company from home this morning. I am not sure how he wants me to send him my hours, but I will send an email documenting my hours at least once a week. I also got permission to use their laptop so I will pick that up tomorrow. I stopped for water on the way to softball and continued my hitting streak going 2 for 2 before the couch decided to bench me because another player showed up late. So what if I have the best batting average of the season and bat last so I hit less than anybody else, whatever. We won. I shopped for food at the supermarket on the way home and made shrimp salad. and a chocolate shake (ice cream was on sale). Watching Family Guy and getting sleepy, I'll go to bed soom because I have a long busy day planned for tomorrow.
Hope your day was fun too :)
Sunday, February 26, 2017
So I watched TV while doing laundry all day, except for when I cooked and ate food. It takes all day to do three loads of laundry here, even without forgetting to move the clothes from washer to dryer to folding to putting away. The washer takes more than an hour to run through it's cycles. Twenty to twenty-five minutes just to fill with water. Out in the outside shed, it's easy to forget too. I have clean clothes now. Life is so exciting, isn't it?
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Waking with a tummy ache the past two days. Anxiety or something I ate? A bacteria or virus or something else? In any case, the changes keep on changing, Yesterday was technically the last day of the temporary Data and Marketing Manager job. So much is left unfinished and the unsettling part is the proposal I gave to Michael to continue helping as a consultant, which heartily approved by his son and daughter, the COO and CFO/CTO respectively, was not completely approved by Michael so I do not have the tools or connections to do what I proposed to do (I'd need the laptop I was using and network access). Hopefully Michael will reach out to me... I just wish he would have done it before I packed up and left.
I feel like I am going to enjoy the day of rest as much as I enjoyed the morning of rhymes. Later, a special treat for dinner. For the first time in weeks I found rhymes flowing this morning. Time for myself is so precious and valuable and rewarding and exciting and soothing and relaxing and cathartic and more all at once. You will likely find the details revealing, or at least entertaining, unless of course you don't care about me and don't like babbling and are not interested in this life I loosely call mine or any of the random revelations and nonsense that comes pouring out of my head there in which case, don't go there and in fact, why are you even here?
Thanks for caring, your patience is a gift :)
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Briefly, the past few days have been a wonderful roller coaster full of excitement and disappointment and joy and surprise and sadness and fun. Even if I won't recall the details. I will catch up as much as I can when I have the time, but not for the moment as the body needs sleep tonight to maintain balance and health. Much busy fun. Much work fun. Much.
Wish you were here :)
Thursday, February 16, 2017
It is actually more than two hours from now, now being the time stamp on this entry, but it is recapping the day that is coming to an end so I put the date it is recapping on the stamp for accurate record keeping and mention it here for even more accurate time keeping (what?... you want a second hand too?... next we'll be on a stopwatch lol). So I am just getting home and I did not do laundry this week so I will not have the favorite softball clothing to take with me (undergarments are important in sports... haven't you seen the commercials?), I shall find a way to survive (there's always hope). I did pack the bag as I may head out of town directly from work so I will have everything ready and load the car in the morning. Out of town tournaments, so much fun and so little time.
Work was fine. I am motivating people to do their job and organizing their work and time, which is what I was hired to do. Michael and Dwight will just have to figure out how to carry on with that process when I am gone. Hopefully they won't be calling too often. Life is good. Card were fun tonight. All I had to do was find a job and conform to get Curly off my back (though his control freakiness is still there, I just have a much more positive perspective about it when I have a more positive perspective on myself and everything. Amazing how the hope of a steady income to pay for independence can do that for a person in this cookie cutter culture.
This could have rolled on into a babbling DDD entry, but I really must get some sleep as I want to get in to work early tomorrow to get more done and feel good about leaving early to get on the road to beat rush hour traffic. Coach finally got back to me about accommodations and apparently I will be sharing with him at $125 a night. Crazy for my budget, but I am spending money I hope to earn in a month or two. Being part of this culture is maddening, so laughter comes to save me once again.
What are you doing with your time?
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
This morning I went to HR to sign papers to give them permission to check my background and driver's record and to give them fingerprints and then I went to the lab to give urine and this afternoon the HR lady called and said I was cleared (amazingly fast) and she asked when I wanted to start. I could start on Monday but I decided to start March 6th because that is the next orientation and Monday is too soon because I want to help Michael transition more (I will do some consulting for him after I leave) and I am going to a tournament in Tampa this weekend and it also gives me time to take the car in for servicing I've been putting off for weeks and make sure I have clothes out of storage and so on...
So I start March 6th.
Now, I must sleep.
May you be smiling too. :)
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
So I told Michael I would be leaving. It was a huge relief, but still feels terrible because he really needs me there. I helped their recruiter put an ad together and told Michael I'd help interview and would consult and do some data organizing from home if he wanted. We didn't talk compensation, but I'd be willing to help out for free for a short time. He's a good guy and needs a manager for his business. He understood and said he'd do the same thing after I told him about the offer and he appreciated my offer to continue helping him. I also got my first paycheck today.
Sigh, tomorrow I do all the tests and wait some more.
Hope, excitement, bittersweet smiles.
Monday, February 13, 2017
Or is that diggity? well, the simply news is I got the job offer for the Safety Officer position for the county. Conditional offer, pending all the various security and drug and driving and background and assorted other screenings. I conditionally accepted. How can I turn down more than twice the base salary not including great cheap health insurance and oodles of paid time off. The friends at the other job will be very sad, but it's a no brainer. Tough day tomorrow. Hopefully we will part friends. I will offer to help transition one of my friends into the position and make myself available for consultation cheap.
Excited, sad, excited more.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Today was softball this morning, lunch with some teammates in the afternoon, dinner with Helen in the evening, and laundry with this babbling and gastrointestinal care and internet TV on in the background in the recent hours. Instead of pushing to stay awake longer, I shall lay down and let sleep come so I can wake early and head to work early.
I hope your day smiled. :)
Life, that is. The usual, played games, played cards, ate a lot of food, had fun. That is what the weekend is supposed to be about, right? I relaxed and recuperated, mostly. You'll just have to sift through the babble in the babbling blog for more. I don't feel like it matters at the moment.
So I am writing for myself. You want me to write to you, let me know you are there.
Any day now, I might return to the fantasy.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
I survived, in case it matters. I know all my millions of devoted fans have already heard, but the procedure apparently went well (they drugged me, so who knows what the ridiculously high paid doctor and team of assistants did... it took seven of them to do what one doctor did ten years ago... modern medicine, the biggest rip-off in our lives). I was going to go to a buffet afterward as I did not eat for almost two days, but I ate spaghetti instead. Stayed home. Rested. Following sensible advice.
Are you even out there anymore?
Friday, February 10, 2017
That is what some, maybe most Doctors think of themselves... or is it what people think of Doctors... whatever. After a lifetime working in the health care field in hospitals and residential facilities on all levels, I have little respect for what we call modern medicine and no respect for the medical industry. Still, I have enough respect to get a check up now and then. When I wake up I will be heading to a colonoscopy. Fun. The Doctor and hospital paperwork seems to assume I am ignorant and offers no respect for my knowledge, concerns, or desires. Mandatory full anesthesia is not only not necessary, but so dangerous that I am surprised there are not lawsuits about the forced procedure done when a patient requests a local.
I'll just leave this here in case something goes wrong.
In case it matters.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
The modern life. Being back in the working world more than 40 hours a week again is another challenge for the body and mind. Finding time to write, time for me, has been a challenge because I force other activities into the weekly work-life schedule. Softball returns. Not enough. The Friday and Saturday teams have taken the Winter season off. Card nights run late. TV series shows fill anywhere from four to a dozen hours a week, not including sports, specials, or whatever (though the non-series watching is rarer these days). Earth From Space and Star Talk are two, the first being quite recommended if you care about life at all. Mostly, it is work and chores. Today I left work early, already having put more than 40 hours in this week, as I prepare for an in-patient medical test scheduled for tomorrow. Hospitals put tags on patients in case they die. Modern medicine.
Anybody out there?
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Yes, that's right, about a month ago I found myself ocupied with whatever was going on at the time, mostly distraction and holding my breath and I still am, but then, life goes on. Yes, that's right, I've been babbling almost daily but have not made time to spend a few minutes briefly accounting for my time in this life in this blog as it was meant to be. Still awaiting word about that interview, meanwhile, I took a job with a friend's company and it will be quite awkward when I leave, but it does not pay enough to keep me from moving on if one of the state jobs call back. I heard from HR, they are reviewing my references. Life is so busy, I steal babble time from sleep and write letters to J and work and play cards and play softball and play mind games forever.
Maybe I'll catch up with the brief entries one of these weeks.
Hope you are well, and if you miss me, so many thanks.
Keep in touch.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
I have not felt this excited to return to softball in a long time. Without a partner, without training, without being anywhere near peak condition, without eating light and feeling my best, without being anywhere near optimal weight (bloated, nose running, blah), without taking a steamy shower to clear my head and wake up (The Maharaja has his clothes hanging on the shower rod), without knowing which players will be showing up today, without any practice at all since last season, the only positive news or action other than we will hopefully have 10 players who can play (and not have to play too many of the subs who really don't play well) is that I slept and still, the excitement continues to build. Maybe it is because I feel refreshed and woke early enough to listen to some music (Harry Chapin, Bill Evens, Days of the New), as I explored iheart radio (new music and music access excites me). Maybe I just miss softball this much (which is wonderful and precarious). Maybe I am feeling good about yesterday's job interview and more hopeful than ever (which is precarious and dangerous). Maybe I am thinking too much (lol lam naaaaaa, just right).
It is time to dress and head to the fields.
Babble more later.
Friday, January 13, 2017
Actually, all of them were cut. My hairs, that is. Shorter than any previous cut since my military days. Yes, I was a soldier and not, we won't get into that experience at the moment, forgive me. Other than the haircut, today was watching youtube videos and writing (the babbling blog is flowing if you want to see more... also, way too much pasta for lunch) followed by an evening of dinner and cards at Curly's place. Mindless fun. Less eye contact than usual, for what that observation is worth. I won't judge. I returned here, wrote some more, talked with The Maharaja about space and his avocations and current projects, and now I shall head to bed in the hope of waking tomorrow fully refreshed and positive (and not too food hungover) and ready for the interview. Maybe the hair hang well after the shower.
Hope your time between entries was productive and/or fun to your liking.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Four full loads washed, dried, folded, and put away. I did not get the comforter to the big machine at the laundromat (and I am not sure it would survive a regular washing as most comforters, especially old ones, survive much better when dry cleaned), but I sprayed it with Lysol and I only sleep on it, not under it, so it is cleaner. The room smells good and is much better for me now. No emails to respond to today, but one resume did go out during my job search. I am still eating way too much pasta and calories, noting that to remind me that I felt better before I gained back some of the weight I lost and I must return to losing the extra weight. I really need a shower. Hows that for in the moment?
Hope your day was clean and shiny.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Well, not completely. The mind is spinning and processing information, but much of the days are wasted in depressive self-pity with poor me nobody loves me nobody cares songs nobody else hears running through my head and hopeless thoughts about giving up on life and moving into my car because I am tired of the rat race madness and pretentiousness of this human culture and just want to let go, even if that means fading into old age and death. Thing is, I don't want to die because even alone, I enjoy the free time way too much to want it to end. So some days I beat myself up for enjoying the free time too much. I usually eat myself fat those days as well, depending on oral stimulation to be enough to keep me happy and occupied but it never lasts. The gleeful pleasure of food almost always fade and these days, self-loathing can too easily replace the temporary euphoria because they world sees me as a failure and I might lose the car and live on the street if I don't take going back to the rat race seriously.
There, so that was today. Watched TV on the internet. Ate a lot. I decided not to go to play cards tonight. At least I spent no money. I slept a lot. Who cares.
Monday, January 9, 2017
If I ever seriously consider giving up playing softball, please stop me. It will be a prelude to deciding to die. Simple as that. It is the last vestige of physical activity and so much more to me and I welcomed the game back into daily life tonight with open arms. New players, a couple who were disappointing to see because they are weak and will not help the team, especially one in a very key position, but we won anyway and it was wonderful to be back on the field. This will be the last season I can afford to play if I don't find income, so that realization stressed me, but I will enjoy softball - and life - as long as I can.
Happy happy joy joy.
Sunday, January 8, 2017
I may not have showered (surely a sign of depression), but I made it to the Commodore's and played games until near midnight. I then headed to Tinman's and played games until after sunrise. The same people as usual, the same games as usual, the same fun as usual. I didn't eat much last night. Just some veggies at the first stop and nothing at the second even though both places had food (pizza, cookies... wait, I did have a few cookies). I ate a couple of bagels with smoked salmon cream cheese when I got home. Stuffed again, naturally.
I think I should sleep now.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Stop laughing, it really is not funny. Yet we laugh at the folly anyway because we still have hope the folly is temporary, or something like that. Is madness temporary? Perhaps, when it is a choice. And the laughter continues. Yeah, so I drove across town to get some softball in only for it to start raining, pouring, and cats and dogs were snoring when I got there. So I went to a bagel-deli and splurged on food. Stuffed my face, came home, and vegged. Fell asleep sometime in the afternoon.
Somewhere in the late afternoon, The Commodore texted to motivate me to come by to play games. Since Curly stopped inviting me, I'm glad The Commodore does. On my way, Harpo texted me to remind me that Tinman was having a party tonight. Will I drag myself into a shower and head out the door? Which party will I attend if I do? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting results of the attempted motivation.
Friday, January 6, 2017
The sequences of entries may seem odd this week, or now and then, as I sometimes babble on for a week without updating this brief blog for any of a number of reasons. Like avoiding the emptiness of daily life, for instance. Or avoiding... didn't we do this yesterday? Right, so today I got a call for an interview, good news, we hope. I got home from playing cards last night pretty late and once again realized I need more diverse and healthier friends, emphasis on the healthier. I wrote to J as I often do these days. Thank you J, for being you and for being there when all others abandon me. It is a precious friend who accepts the babble when it is full of woe is me, aye? Feel free to read the dirt, drama, and details if you really want to know, in case it matters, and all that jazz.
The sun may still come out tomorrow.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
The key to a happy life is living it, not avoiding it. Even when it hurts, living the pain will leave you happier than avoiding the pain. The simple reason for that is avoiding anything does not make it go away and avoiding usually makes whatever it is you are avoiding worse. So all this philosophizing in this brief daily life blog must stop because it is just avoiding the daily life and that is not facing and fixing what is wrong with the daily life. Avoiding the loneliness just lets the loneliness grow. Avoiding the betrayals just lets the illusion that there was no betrayal remain - prolonging and deepening the pain. Avoiding the diminishing savings and increasing need for income just leads to a desperate situation and the street, as in living on it. Avoiding sucks, so avoid avoiding as much as possible.
Wednesday, January 4, 2017
When the people you depend on pull the rug out from under you when you need them most and simply try to disappear from your life, do you do the same? That might be when they need you most to remind them that they do not want to be so... choose the word - weak, insensitive, unfaithful, disloyal, selfish, cruel... whatever the word, the shoe does fit no matter how well-prepared the denial. My way is not to abandon friends, even when they abandon me, so I continue reaching out even when people avoid me - until they tell me to stop. No matter how much it hurts, it hurts a whole lot more to give up on them.
The good news is I am also looking for other ways of reaching out to strangers in the hope of finding new friends.
That's life. The brief version. You know where to find the details.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Yes, a new year and the holidays are over and it is back to the routine. Job searching, though the state site is down until the 9th, continues. Distracting myself with internet TV continues. Trying to understand and accept people as they are continues. Crossing bridges without burning them is not always an easy task, but it must be done. Some might say some bridges should be burned, but I say that is only if someone intentionally harms. People move on in their lives and leave close friends behind for many reasons.
I set off on this new year alone, again, naturally.
Someday I will find a BFF who is a BFF, maybe I'll even find the one. Until then, I do what I do, help people, give, and share because that's the best feeling I know in life. That is my routine.
Monday, January 2, 2017
Happy New Year and carry on partying. The morning started with a slow sigh as another week of job hunting began, but then Helen texted asking if I wanted to go to lunch and I remembered the work week does not actually start until tomorrow. So we went to lunch at the Wild Rice Buffet, thank you for the treat Helen, and then we ran a couple of errands and I dropped her off and headed back here. On the way home the radio let me know there was a football game on. I realized that I forgot about football, but due to the luck of the calendar this year, the four big bowl games are today and I figured out how to listen to them on my phone. Guess I don't need a radio now that I know how to find radio stations on my iPhone. I also realized that Jackson was my only close football fan friend so I have no one to watch with or even to just text about the game. So I listened to games all alone while babbling most of the day.
I'm really having too much fun for one person, which is why I am sad no one is here to share. :)
Sunday, January 1, 2017
So I did not feel like going out and interacting with a lot of people who would ask the same old questions and have pity in their eyes but I went out anyway to a couple of parties and ate myself stuffed and had fun with bonfires, fireworks, and games through the evening and night and here we are, ready to fall over and sleep. Live healthy, live wise, live your life your way. Hope you found fun too and may your 2017 roll through with fewer challenges, less pain, more joy, and oodles of happiness. Whatever happens, party anyway :)
Happy New Year.