Got all three of the first three words in the title but not enough of the latter in the past four days so off to sleep I go, cough willing.
More to follow.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Thursday, May 25, 2017
There was a time I would fall in love with these guys but today is not the day for that. The words they wrote, that was me in way back when. Back when I was publishing The Writer's Exchange (wow, there was only one when I as publishing) and Paper Fantasies and Steve was publishing The Letter Exchange (still going... Steve retired and others took over). I have laundry to do between coughs and somehow need to focus on controlling the cough enough to sleep so I can wake early and get to ... house to caught a ride to the tournament. So easily distracted, so easily amused, no wonder everyone who comes near me is confused.
lol... lam... sigh.
But oh, how I loved going to the mailbox and finding words. :)
Sitting under power lines watching a generator that attacked a man's arm and almost ate it this afternoon, I realized how much I miss Stephen King. And babbling. Not that I will suddenly babble or read another Stephen King novel, but I miss both. Naturally I will continue to be redundant in spite of everything. The day was long, monitoring random drug testing in the morning, responding to an emergency call in the afternoon, then sitting and waiting for the results of x-rays to determine how seriously the generator will be investigated. Luckily the man did not lose the arm, so the investigation will be in house within the department and likely cursory. Meanwhile, in spite of the massive thunderstorm, I still didn't die
I fell asleep shortly after arriving home, then woke 4 hours later and moaned a bit, pooped, wandered, ate some soup and later on, hot pockets, and now, here we are. I should try to sleep some more, but the hacking fits of previous nights have me cautious about laying down. I bought all sorts of cough drop things today, but left them all at work. Doh. Thirsty, but trying to dehydrate the nasal tubes, even if that is counter-productive for the overall cold-bug war. Sleep is the most important healing factor of all. Especially in the absence of caring.
In case in matters.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
I think I still remember a time when I was not sick, when I was not gauging my every move by wither I can repress the coughing enough to do whatever it is I wanted to do. Like speaking, for instance. Or sleeping. Its been a few rough nights and I am seriously burnt out and the cough get quite out of control and the body hurts all over and Eb is acting oblivious and nobody in life outside of work is around and I should not be spreading germs around work but it is a lingering cold and I don't have two weeks to stay home and die.
So I am pushing the limits beyond limits known before as I usually do. More blogs, more risks, more life.
Dinner for Tinman's birthday was odd thanks to the usual suspects, a judgmental corner sniper and then Harpo and Sarducci, both too depressed to stop their pity-party long enough to join in the celebration and as usual, they left early, but in the end, fun. Poor people, so many challenges, so little time. I didn't cough much and enjoyed food and babbling about whatever.
Sleep is not easy.
Tuesday, May 23, 2017
You may be the only one who knows for sure and then again, who knows anything for sure, for sure? I am so sick tonight and still, awake, writing, babbling, scratching and clawing to find hope someone will find these words (or something like that) in this cyber bottle and fall in love and come and save me from this prison of terminal loneliness (or at least cut the bad drama). Amuse me, I'm easy, but first, help me get well again.
Until then, distraction. Time keeps on slipping slipping slipping slipping . . .
Monday, May 22, 2017
Yeah, the gang decided to go to a different sports bar tonight where the girls wear almost nothing and the food is very bar-food-like. Wise? Of course not. I am sick sick sick and at death's door (I nodded off t the fields yesterday after the games and --- stayed to make sure I could walk to the car and checked on me to make sure I could drive and then checked to make sure I got home safely. Sweetheart, I miss playing cards with him Tuesday nights. I don't miss the Curly-dominated pig-outs though.
So instead, I pigged out with the softball friends. Crappy food though. I really need to sleep more and this week is not set up for it. Thursday night I must crash immediately after work or I will certainly just keep getting sicker and I really do not think I want to die in spite of the careless whispers and behavior to the contrary.
No one's saved my life tonight.
Narf sigh heave...
Aching all over, cramping, head wonky and sinuses pounding and all because I want to be 16 years old and play hard through the cold/flu that is ravaging my sinuses and throat. Headed to the end of season party at the local bar and stuffed the face and belly with barbecue something, meatballs, chicken wings, pigs in blankets (not just me), cole slaw, potato salad, and a lot of water. Yum, cramp, wooze, but good people to hang out with. So tired, so sick, so stupid. Hopefully I wont die and I'll get some sleep this week.
And she had fun fun fun till...
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Sometimes I feel like the universe wants me to die happy, albeit superficially. So I did not have the heart to beat the team I wanted to go to the World Series with this season which left their fate in their own hands and they did what they needed to do, they beat the second place team to move into second place and earn a berth in the World Series. I felt bad for the former second place team as I like them too, but I really did not want to go to the world series with the first place team and it got down to the wire. We lost 12-10 and I could have driven in the tying runs, but I did not feel it at the plate so I just got a single. Had to beat out a good throw too.
But that universe, ya see. --- asked me to pitch for his team as they were short players. So I started the game but then their players showed up and I just helped coach and then their shortstop broke a finger so I went back in the game giving me a chance to finish the season with a good hit. I went for it and burned the right fielder. As I rounded second I could see it might be close at third so I sped up and made it standing up just before the ball and the third baseman dropped the ball, it hit my foot and I saw a chance so I headed home and made it. The universe (and a good friend) gave me the opportunity for my last hit of the season to be a home run.
I almost died.
The wallet is about $50 lighter and I mostly had fun playing poker, but this $50 a week drain on what is supposed to be savings time is not going to continue for long. Good to have new people to play with, but still not meeting anyone I can feel like getting close to. No healthy influences. No depths. Sleep would have been so much wiser as this body is fighting a head cold that may be getting fluish. Don't let the sun go down on me, m'ok? Softball in the morning sleep now.
Miss you, miss me, miss loving and being loved.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
Not just be the cold and flu bug that has taken over this body, but the Friday night softball team really sucks this season and I am frustrated because I am not helping and the Friday night coach may be very sorry she invited me back. Though tonight the other pitcher got blown out for 12 runs and it would have been worse if the run rule did not save him, so it's not just my pitching, it's an overall lack of defense and hitting on the whole team. Getting back to going out to the local bar afterward on Friday nights is fun again.
If only I was not so sick. I really should stay in bed a few days, or something like that.
Where is the Nurse when I need her the most?
Narf lol sigh :}
Friday, May 19, 2017
Blogwise, that is. The idiot's adjective. excuse me while I like fuck this guy (for no apparent reason), like-wise, . .
. what I mean is, this was the day described yesterday, I think, and yesterday I was just starting to feel quite ill or something like that. Random distractions shall be my saviour or the death of me.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Yes, the head cold has blown up and the world is far away. I recede deep into the cranial capacitor and watch the world move slowly by through foggy eyes. Then again, it is me slowing down. Down. Down. Chills. Aches. Nose dripping non-stop. Crushing the energy. It's all in the mind, I know, and I am letting it go. See the rules of the pity party, if you can find them.
Work in spite of it all. Two germophobes spray disinfectant in my wake.
It would almost be funny if I was not dying.
Still getting fatter too.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Softball happened again, a lot of softball. So much caffeine is draining the brain and killing the immune system and the head cold is rushing in to take over and try to kill this body, no joke. Chills in the evening after running the bases, domination pitching, it's good to know the umpires. Should have gone home to sleep, but then, this is not home. The comforts are absent. The temperature fluctuations are deadly. The body is not doing well. This is gonna be a long week. Or longer. I may get repetitive before we are done. Repetitious, even.
What's a little redundancy between friends...
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
I did it again, no oops, and it makes for a very long week. The emptiness consumes the memories, that is why the pity party is thrown. The theory is that the memories are more painful than the emptiness. We still await proof. We still await everything. It could have ll been said before (and on and on and ad infinitum, or something like that). I left my heart in San Fracisco, Monterey, Toronto, New York, New York, Brooklyn, Canarsie, and several other places I may or may not remember. The emptiness, remember? Oh that's right, we don't.
No really, I survived another day, I just don't remember how or why. Or what happened.
It really was no miracle...
Narf lol :)
Monday, May 15, 2017
So instead of wisely going to bed, I went to Hulu and watched Legion instead. Now in the seventh episode, wondering how softball will go tomorrow night on just a couple of hours sleep. The loneliness got me again. Mother's day reminded me that I have no family. I know we are all alone, it is the nature of life in reality, separate living organisms. People share an illusion of bonding and connection and unity and oneness when their consciousness and perspective is close enough to share the illusion of sharing (tricky little bugger, this life experience, isn't it?). Anyway, I trust someone to share the illusion of family and share unconditional love and trust they will stay family and then, poof, they are gone when they don't need me anymore. Again and again. Alone again, etc. etc.
Sunday, May 14, 2017
A week ago I started writing as I did a couple or few years ago, multiple entries, writing as it happens, comfortable, casual, believing someone someday will actually care to know. Believing someone might ever actually care today. I must have blinked because a week just passed (I fixed that though) and I did not even notice I was not on the laptop at all.
Maybe reality set in.... or something like that.
Today I did laundry, cleaned out the car, tidied up the place a bit. No softball. Mother's Day. I threw a food pity party and sort of accepted my place in this world in this life. Sigh.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Sleeping in is nice. I headed to softball and we won, in spite of some lost focus in one inning when I walked two batters and gave up a few runs. We won because the game was rained out in the sixth and we were ahead. The umpire had a low strike zone which is dangerous for the pitcher pitching very low pitches because many batters will hit those back up the middle. Anyway, after softball I headed to Wal-Mart to buy some clothes and then to Helen's and for a shower. We drove out to to pick up my credit card (that I left in the Mt Dora restaurant last week when I had dinner with Jane) and then drove around some more. We stopped at one restaurant that had changed owners since Helen had been there last and left after finding ants crawling on our table. College Park to Mt. Dora to Eustis to Deland to Sanford to College Park and back to Sanford.
Tried the Seafood restaurant I wanted to try here and it was disappointing. Good, but not worth the price. Still, a good day and evening and now, good night.
Friday, May 12, 2017
I've missed Friday night softball and going out to the sports bar afterwards with some of the players. I am happy the Friday night team invited me back. Unfortunately, I sucked tonight. We lost big. I took myself out after two innings and the other team only got a few more runs after than but they won 13-3. I knocked in one of the three runs we scored and errors accounted for many of the runs we gave up, so we didn't just loose because I walked a few batters. I think they didn't ask me to pitch when they moved from one park to another a couple of seasons ago because I seem to play poorly on Friday nights. I wish I could play better on Fridays.
The food was great afterwards and I enjoyed the company. I might be going to Atlanta with an upper division team for a tournament. So maybe I don't play as poorly as I perceive my play after all. Stay positive.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
I've missed Thursday Night Bridge at Excel and the Commodore's place, but if I stay out late on Thursdays I am useless for softball Friday nights and I want to keep more exercise in my routine. Sitting all evening eating and playing cards is just not healthy for me and I do not want to blow up my weight the way all of them have. I miss them though. nd my eating habits are worse than ever. Quite the phase this is, no doubt. I still am not going to sleep early though, fix this next week, m'ok?
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
More effective than the pattern I am in would be early to bed to get more sleep Tuesday and Thursday, but for now I am giving into sleep after dinner on Wednesday nights so I am fast asleep now. I typically wake about now to empty the bladder and then go back to sleep. The body and mind work better with a few nights sleep each week.
Work is really good.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
I miss cards, but Tuesday night cards are not happening these days because I am tired. I need rest Tuesday nights after four days/nights of softball. I miss some of the players, but the fact is I don't miss the judgmental insensitivity, mockery, and controlling ways Curly settled into last year. He and ... like to laugh at or put down any idea they don't like or don't agree with and they do not seem to realize (or they do, but don't care) they scoff at my whole life's work and philosophy. He's actually walked out of cards because the Commodore and I (who have similar views) discussed our philosophy. Controlling small minds are challenging to have fun with.
Still, I miss Excel, the Commodore, and ... and cards.
Sleep is good though.
Monday, May 8, 2017
I've been waiting such a long time (and not just for Saturday) and this is how the optimism rises to epic proportions and I change th world (or at least mine). Just when I am too tired to do anything, life becomes amusing as ever. Softball was fun tonight. We won 9-3, I batted in two even though I didn't get a hit. Too tired. I pitched pretty much lights out though. Two errors gave up two of the three runs, one of them mine. I did not drink the kool aid tonight (mountain dew kick start, 60 calories and a jolt of caffeine is my typical before softball drink. I was nodding off before the game so I decided I'd try to go without it and as usual I can pitch in my sleep but hitting takes being awake. I think I will nod off soon which will be a good thing. so how have you been?
I'll be right here waiting for you.
I mean, how are you? I know you car, you just got in that rut of not communicating and so only you and those who have faith in you know it. Even I get to that who cares? moment now and then (did I just last entry?), but reality is you care about me and I care about you and we have the luxury of not ever having to show it to know it, believe it, and even receive it. Self-awareness, we can achieve it.
Long work day, just arriving back here and pausing in the madness to write this entry before heading to softball. I spent the morning cleaning up data and formatting it for a new software import I will do Wednesday. I spent the afternoon inspecting the newest softball fields in town, taking photos, and writing up the report. Time for some food, leftover stuffed cabbage (did I mention that I splurged on TooJays last night?). Then softball. Hope you had fun today too. Yeah, I care and I'm asking... how about you? :)
So the lonelies lead to sleepiness again. I have friends, daytime friends, superficial friends, playtime friends, all the friends a growing boy could have, all but that friend who lays awake staring at the stars talking until sunrise. That's the friend I am missing. Most nights I fall asleep and wake and work and play and sleep and work and play and sleep and so on. Some nights, like tonight, I am watching TV to distract myself from the lonelies and I am tired tired tired in the morning. Fascinating, isn't it?
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Ate least with the current lifestyle I have chosen, weekends are fun, but expensive, fattening, and lonely. Lonely because I don't trust people anymore. People say all the right things to get close, take as much as they can get, and then move on when I have nothing left to give. Sometimes they come back for more when they hear I have something to give again, but they are not there for me, they are only out for themselves. Alas, lonely sucks. Fattening because I indulge my taste buds out of loneliness and I splurge on expensive food because I can because I get momentary physical and emotional satisfaction. I play softball Saturdays and Sundays and hang out with softball friends and have a lot of fun, but it's not enough exercise to burn the calories I consume so I am getting fatter, poorly, and still lonely.
But weekends are fun.
Saturday, May 6, 2017
I could wake up and play softball at 8am and then again after noon and then, dinner and parties and lately, like tonight, I had two parties to choose from. I went to the one that cost me %40, the poker night at the softball friends place. Something different from the usual game night parties with older friends. Still not finding social activities where I might meet new people who might become intimate, but hey, expanding the social sphere is happening. I'll keep hoping against hope someone will understand and care.
Saturday was fun. Hope yours was too. :)
Friday, May 5, 2017
What is missing is love, intimacy, best friend sharing, someone who cares to share life... so I stuffed myself with Ben & Jerry's Truffle Kerfuffle and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough along with a Wah Wah Long John after twenty fried chicken wins (10 hot hot teriyaki and ten smokey barbecue) and watching formula-driven internet TV and here we are. Another work day, long and fun, with time for myself tossed in. Finally got the oil changed in the car. Saving $40 buy getting it done at Wal-Mart did not prove as wise as it seems as I spent more than $100 during the hour and a half I wandered around the store waiting for the oil change to be done. Then back to the office, conscientiousness abounds since I could have headed home because they did not expect me back at the office today as the training was scheduled for the full day. From work to softball, Friday night softball again. Unfortunately I was tired and unprepared and the team we played was much better than we were, but we had fun.
Sleep smothers me, soon.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Woke up after decent sleep time and headed to work only to realize I had to be somewhere else so I grabbed some work and headed to that other place and sat for most of the day listening to a rather annoying obese short-of-breath sometimes confused lecturer teach emergency management. Poorly. I was a lot more productive during lunch, getting a lot of work done. After work, I headed back to my office because one of our assistants needed help finding paperwork. She found it on her desk after I assured her that I processed the paperwork and sent it to my boss. He had no incident paperwork left on his desk, so she looked at her stuff closer and found it. No acknowledgement that she was accusatory in her communications but she is very OCD which makes her good at what she does.
Headed home and then headed far away to meet Jane for dinner. We walked for about an hour after dinner around the neighborhood to a lake and then headed home and here we are. The real action is here.
Good day, hope yours was too. :)
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
Not blogging everyday, I must depend on memory to fill in the gaps in this blog and the other blog and the blog life and the epoch recording of this life I loosely call mine for you and me and posterity and you know, so on and so forth and scooby dooby do dah day o yeah we all wanna go one some time or another when we are not afraid to admit it.
Worked all day, stopped for dinner at Wolfy's, yummy, stuffed, fell asleep early.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
The next entry preceded this one and this title shows it. Today was... well... a faded memory. Worked, yes, I work every day Monday through Friday now. Lots of work and I enjoy all of it. After work I almost fell asleep and them not. Sleeping little. Not going to the card nights lately. Too far to drive. Too many influences I do not want to be around. So I remain in limbo by choice. Let's of good reasons I'll think about some more because I don't feel like writing about it.
All is well, mostly. LOL.