You Were Missed

You may not notice if this is your first time through this blog, but I was a long time gone this summer and I decided, sometimes later in the year, to catch up a bit even though I have no clue exactly what happened on any given day or date except a few special ones so my pondering over whether you missed me or not might seem odd and even futile (it usually is, but that's another silent film). In any case, you were missed.

So there :)

Driving Miss Direction

So I felt like getting out, so I drove around. I found some mansions nearby and watched the sun set over Lake Apopka. Whatever else happened must be in the details. Both are better live, but see for yourself.

You can click here to open the house on Google Maps so you can rotate the map for yourself to see the place from all angles and compare it to the million dollar homes next door.

Don't Even Know What Day It is

I have been catching up on entries and I am uploading them as I find them, rather on a whim, and the references to whatever day or date there might be in some of the entries will not match the time date stamp blogger provides and I simply do not care. Time is relative, if you read me regularly you don't care either because you must love me or are somehow bored enough to read me regularly. Incarcerated, institutionalized, oddly insatiably addicted to reading innocuous details of a mundane existence, or in love with me. Feel free to let me know and if you have another reason in mind, surprise me.

The summer is hot and slow moving when present in the moment, but it is flying by as if the life train to death is constantly accelerating to the inevitable last stop. The only sad part is I am alone on the ride and can not afford to pay for a companion's fare anymore. Anyone going my way?

Narf :)

Where Are We Real?

Most people seem to have become so dependent on Facebook for their communications, even texting is secondary, especially for groups. It is sad that I find out about my friends lives by reading about it on Facebook instead of actually sharing activities and conversations in person. Then here we are in this blog world. As far as I know, no one who knows me offline reads this blog, yet I talk (and vent) about the life we share regularly. They could know me so much more if they wanted to, but people just seem to want to stay on the surface these days. That is so sad. I can enjoy Facebook because I love to correspond, but I resist going there a lot because it is a sound byte reality with soap opera drama and snarky humor and not the meaningful sharing I want to share. It is too easy to get lost there in the distraction of the words. I don't even remember real life when I am there too long.

What did you do today?

Balance Body Care with Friend Care

Yes, so I got out to do some yard work and made it to lunch with Jackson and it is time to take a good assessment of this body I live in because it is definitely not responding the way it used to. Fatigue comes much faster than ever before, especially in the heat. Alas, no health insurance makes the need for self-diagnosis a priority. You know where to find the details of the brief mentions you read here (if you don't red the links to the right of this entry). I want to be able to give back to friends who help me and I must go back to work to maintain income to survive so I must figure out what's going on with the body so it can do both of those things. Curly needs physical labor that is becoming beyond the body's limits, alas. I must improve. Calling all Nurses, feel free to nurse me.

Narf :)

Just Tired

Maybe a little flu bug or maybe some digestive malady or maybe dying of cancer or something like that. Oh lighten up, we all die eventually and if we can't laugh about it we're in big trouble because the truth is we started dying the moment we were born and it's happening to us, me and you, right now. Maybe I've got something going on that is taking it's toll on this body, it is definitely not responding as it has in past years to physical exercise... maybe it's just normal aging... maybe it's just being too sedentary too. Rest and recover, sleep more consistently, eat a more balanced diet, and stay positive.

And falling in love with someone who falls back in love with me would help a lot too.

Begin anytime.

Narf :)

Between Highs

Not really in a low, just between highs. Deciding between a rock and a hard place, the ultimate question, you know, to be, or not to be, whether to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them... to die, to sleep, perchance to dream, and even survive nd make the dreams come true. Obviously I am in the wrong blog lol.

Just another weekend of fun and avoidance, nothing to see here.

Narf :)

Really?

It's not that I don't get serious at all anymore, it is just that I do it in a relative vacuum most of the time so even I don't always hear it or acknowledge it. I just don't keep track of things these days. Like I have fun playing softball and hanging with friends after games, though I am hermitizing due to economizing and I had fun playing (still learning, but getting better all the time) bridge again two nights ago and will again tomorrow night. Eating too much though as I fall to the influence of very obese people who eat the way I can when I am not thinking of the health or welfare of this body. I must get the body checked out soon. Yes, reality is always present and like is always happening... I just don't mention it.

Does it really matter?

Silence.

That was not a command, it was an observation.

In case it matters.

Really.

Narf.

Obviously, Not

I suppose it is pretty obvious that I am not keeping track of anything much these days, no less life, which begs the question - what are we doing here?, I mean, this is the daily life blog (brief version) that is supposed to record and account for what is happening as I experience life each day, but therein lies the rub, I am not experiencing life each day, it is not even experiencing me. The monotony of sitting at the computer (while ignoring all the challenges - faulty equipment, stifling environment, poverty, pending crash, body pains, aging, loneliness, need I continue?) searching for jobs I do not really want and laughing at the predicament I've cemented myself into is not nearly as much fun as the wacky nonsense in my brain so I enjoy being away from reality (and daily life) which, logically, means I have little or nothing to say here in this daily blog.

Now it all makes sense, right?

lol lam Narf :)

Desperately Not Here

The questions would be how do you define cute (I imagine mine is very different than the my little pony generation), I suppose, but then if you were once in love with Amy, you might be haunted by the ghost of hope as well. Distraction abounds of late, so I was not recording anything here at the time. Desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose.

Narf :}

Unknown Plans

Perhaps the title means absent plans but for all I know there might be plans I am not aware of and just because I know know about plans does not mean there are no plans. Yeah, we're really rolling along now. When does the floor show begin?

I just don't know if the Sunday team wants me to go to the World Series with them this year and all I can do to ask and explain my financial situation appears to be falling on death ears. The lack of reassurance (or simply, an answer) is painful at times, considering I've spent hundreds of hours giving my all for the team.

Stress, doubt, hurt... it does not seem to matter.

Reaching

Is nothing reaching me or have I forgotten to reach for more? The days are melting together now as a blur of emotion and distraction and stress and pain and pleasure and peace and fun and games. With a touch of worry and worry never did me any good. I feel like an outlaw who forgot to take the lawman off his holiday gift list. Will I put a return address on the card?

In case it matters, I push onward. Even when I don't come here. Even when I don't remember the rules. Even when no one notices.

It must not be all in vain.

Just not.

Narf. :}

Away In Distraction

I apparently get too close to people and relationships do not work when I do. I say it's them, they say it's me, sort of. Actually, they say it's them too after they calm down and apologize and say they wish they could do better. Honesty, being real, people just don't seem to handle it well at all when it gets up close and personal. So I stay away in distraction a lot and that is where I am most of the time these days.

And how are you? :}

Memories of Writing

Most of my best writing is memory these days. Tonight I reminisced a bit. Most of the current daily life is being recorded in babble for any number of reasons. You know where to find the babble, don't you? Just whistle. Or find the links to the right.

Hope your day smiled :)

Denial Again

Well, what can I say. Cards went off without a hitch, as if there were no complaints or test rants or drama at all. Instead of discussing his issues with me, he ignored them and acted like nothing bothered him. Pretentiousness is the norm with humans. So whatever, I am tired of writing about my activities.

Anybody out there?

Don't Panic!

Just when I think I may be stepping on to slightly more solid ground inside the rug is swept out from under me.

Don't panic.

Too late.

Well, actually, not too late (don't get your panties in a knot Carole), though you may have to scan through more than a few entries in the recent dirt, drama, and details to feel better about life as I experience it. Then again, you probably need to find the reason for this entry there as well. Sometimes I just feel like being mysterious or obscure. Oh, the human drama, it spins a whirlwinds all around us and then, as suddenly as it appeared, it is gone. Names changed to protect the innocent and all that jazz.

Contrary to popular opinion and the projections of helplessness I may or may not intentionally leave here, there, and wherever, I am tired enough and feel secure enough to just fall asleep.

To bed I go.

Nite nite.

People Are Tiresome

Sometime people just don't make sense to me. Especially when they say two opposing things in the same argument blaming me for their bad feelings (and then accusing me of doing exactly what they are doing). I just want to walk away sometimes. Because I tolerate so much, some people try to bully me or take advantage of me or abuse me and I suppose my response is not satisfying because they seem to want something more. I just do not like giving anyone the power to hurt me, provoke me, or manipulate me. So I listen and nod and adjust when adjustment is fair and reasonable and then move on.

Cards are becoming tedious. We shall see if it improves.

Just Sad Today

That is all.

Online Life

Offline, life has been funerals and support groups and helping strangers through the tragedy most days and playing cards and games and softball in the evenings. The people closest to me are not really close, they are lost in themselves and stay on the surface as most people do. My most serious conversations about anything occur online either through email or comments (please tell politics to go away).

See, told you I was not really gone (time is so relative, aye?)

Narf...

Facebook Time

I've been spending a lot of time on Facebook lately. The details (and more and then some, as usual) are where they belong, but the point in this daily life is that Facebook offers me more meaningful conversation and even more sincere caring (at least in words) than the people I call friends in the real world most days. Certainly the gifts of the laptop, the phone, the free place to live are demonstrations that the people in my life closest to me do care about me, but on a daily basis there is little or no sharing beyond the superficial. Curly lives in his work, distracted from anything going on outside. his sheltered bubble. Jackson sends love in texts almost daily, sometimes several times a day, but we hardly see each other anymore because she is busy with work and life and love and lives at least a half hour away. So does Curly, but I drive to him.

So I spend a lot of time distracting myself from loneliness on Facebook torn between wanting to be more like Curly, oblivious to what is going on in the world, and carrying a meaningful conversation and responsibility for being part of the world. As I said, you can find out more about me on the Facebook pages. In case it matters.

Are we bored yet?

Step by Step

Almost a month of Pulse. I enjoyed giving so much of myself the past few weeks because I enjoy giving and helping others, but I am definitely drained and sad. Now that life is returning to less to do, the stresses about money and the questions of my worth that come about when I have no job that dissolved into the useless pool of meaningless thoughts as the sense of purpose filled my days and nights are returning. I will still maintain my support in the group on Facebook. It helps me feel less alone and needed and appreciated. I get very little of that in life these days.

Maybe I am searching for the next step and it really must include returning to the job market, yuck, but so much more. No complaints, appreciate what I have.

Almost A Month

It was June 8, 2016 that the last entry was added to this blog. The Dirt, Drama, and Details was last updated June 9, 2016. This entry started on this date, but as described in detail other there, another month went by before it was uploaded. The irony is there was no response so should we laugh or cry or waggle our wigs? (or waggle our wiggles, for that matter). A nod is still as good as a wink to a blind bat, after all. Nudge Nudge. What you may discover if you are here at the moment this blog entry is uploaded is a void, that is, no entries since the last one mentioned above to which there was no response (the irony or whatever is in the title of that entry, in case you are not following the laughter or tears or waggles or wiggles or nods or winks or nudges, cha cha cha) and nothing ahead for the next month. If you arrived the day after this entry was uploaded, you may find a totally difference landscape and in a few days, more or less, you will not even notice there was once a large gap in entries between the last one mentioned above and this one or the next, for that matter.

The strange, in case it matters, is this one. The daily life, in case it matters, will fall in place all around this one before we know it. Hope you enjoyed the time away, the time here, and the times to come.

Life goes on.

Long Day, Longer Night

Softball and some support and then cards. On the way home, a jerk cop. Not much else to say. Feel free to let me know you care and were here and I will very likely be inspired to write more.

Hope you had fun today.

Good Intentions

So many entries waiting for me to find the time to edit and upload (with details lost in time passing, but oh what wonders we may find), but the funerals and giving support online and the distractions from the funerals and giving takes all the time and slows the process. Leaving writings unfinished is not good for me. This blog may miss the daily life it was intended to record as I turn to distraction from reality of the sadness of the days. I have little left after giving all day and night.

Wah wah wah, enough wah wah wah. I am alive. Remember that. Stay Strong.

Lonelies Come

Tonight, sleep was not a friend. Loneliness and self-pity stressed me awake after just a few hours. That is so not fun. I wrote a lot, to my imaginary the one and more. The links are in the details. Oh, how I long to be understood, aye? So I am lonely phasing again (you know where to go for details, loosely connected for a while). The busy life of caring about others in need took over again in the wake of the tragedy and when I come home, nobody cares here. The chair is not comfortable anymore. It's old. It was Jackson's and I am not sure how old it is. I wish I had someone who really knew me who I could talk to in the middle of the night. All these days pass and I do not record the details of what happened. Funerals, endless funerals.

The sun'll come up tomorrow.