Several errors gave the other team the lead in the sixth after we were leading the whole game and we had the tying run on base in the seventh but the weakest player on the team got up with two outs and he popped out and now we are 2-1 on the season. So close, but we have some weaknesses and that's the way the ball is not caught or thrown wildly. Alas, the fun, however, was great and even more, I felt and still feel great. Even though the BP is likely way too high. The exercise and lower fat and carbs helps the health, yeah, do it.
So we are family, right?
Monday, April 30, 2018
Several errors gave the other team the lead in the sixth after we were leading the whole game and we had the tying run on base in the seventh but the weakest player on the team got up with two outs and he popped out and now we are 2-1 on the season. So close, but we have some weaknesses and that's the way the ball is not caught or thrown wildly. Alas, the fun, however, was great and even more, I felt and still feel great. Even though the BP is likely way too high. The exercise and lower fat and carbs helps the health, yeah, do it.
My team just gave me a six run lead (I knocked in four) and hopefully the defense will hold. Better personal news is I walked more than an hour before the game started and today will be a good day for steps, well over 30,000 and I need to average about 25,000 a day this week. I am bound and determined to do that and more, but we shall see how much the muscles can take as they are showing signs of needing a break. Hold out one more week as I turn up the pace, please. And let's win this game while we are at it. Yeah, I am giving a play by play of the daily life lately. Aren't you thrilled? I can imagine sharing every moment more when I am sharing every moment more here.
Anybody understand me?
Yup, one can chicken, one can salmon, several tablespoons of light mayo (I know, nobody's perfect), a tablespoon of cheese sauce, some spices, didn't finish the bowl. Now that's what I'm talking about, back on the wagon. Please let's stay on and ride for a while. More steps at work, Over 15,000 for the day so far. Now it is off to the fields early to walk at least ten thousand more steps.
Did you see me getting real (emo alert), even at work, in the last entry?
For the month, but just the start of the week. So the monthly entry count is what is in the home stretch. The first month over 100 in years. Probably won't hit 150, but a good chance for a four a day average, maybe. Almost? We shall see by midnight (though I really should be asleep by midnight even though I have late softball tonight). Is anybody out there? Is anybody reading all these words? Am I writing just for myself and my imaginary friends? Believing somebody must care. Or is all this writing for the birds? I may die trying to keep believing that love never ends. Even if all I can do is pretend. Feel free to make it real, ya know?
As for the steps, walk on... walk on... and so on.
Last time it was just for two, this time, just for four. A lot of time and energy and money goes into filling vacancies. So four more county employees are through safety orientation and they thanked me and one of the four said "good presentation" which always feels good. I considered walking around the room for the hour and a half, but with four people it would have been awkward and distracting. Yes, working those steps every way I can. Back to the now.
Are we having fun yet?
At the desk, but also getting more than ten thousand steps in before work and a few thousand more in the morning after I rose and got to work. Gonna do this. Yes I am. Even if it means I don't have time to write (must sleep though, the body must have sleep, especially the muscles). Even though I have more desk work than I want to have lately, I will get out at least once this week and walk for a few hours so I don't have to walk for several hours every evening. I am determined. Damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead, alone, ouch, it hurts so much to be alone when pushing the limits, but then, that's how I grew up and so... onward.
In case it matters.
And you know what? Everything was alright. Thanks Danny. Oh, how I miss music. And peace, love, and happiness squared (cuz it's squared when it's shared). I will not give up on the dream of sharing no matter how challenging the loneliness gets. I will overcome the ache and keep believing. I know you're out there somewhere. So I rose and stepped and showered and now I am headed to work to step some more and then, more desk work. But gonna get up and do some walking every hour or so.
Happy Monday (yes, it is possible.
Yup, moping around about being lonely can only last for so long, but oh the damage it can do. Three days of cutting calories and exercise were wiped out by two piggish meals this weekend (last night at the the Chinese Buffet and this afternoon with Taco Bell in the car and they really ought to give me some advertising money for all the business I am bringing them la la la) and I really must stop that pity-party eating. My blood pressure is probably skyrocketing and live is getting shorter every day. Still, it turns me on and the words flowed into a few different places tonight. From some serious reviewing my medical matters (maybe I'll get some help from the doctor this week) to a slightly more irreverent view of the subject to a completely off topic philosophical piece that came out asI pondered my navel and my poor reaction to this softball day on beauty and happiness and writing, a bit, for that matter. The latter giving me hope that the worst of the food indulgence may have passed and I might get back to serious diet and exercise health care this week. Oh course getting sleep would be a start.
There's always hope.
Sunday, April 29, 2018
I started writing earlier and stated nodding off shortly after a few lines. Food coma came on fast. I decided to lay down and sleep and set my alarm for about 5 AM, but here we are again, awake and writing. I woke to go to the bathroom and then played Toon Town, hoping it would keep me laying down until I fell back to sleep, but it didn't work. The food coma nap was great and I feel awake and want to write, so look around as something precious this way comes, or something like that.
Don't you get tired of all my whining when I am over-tired?
I stayed at the fields and watched Jackson play (her team had two games, she played in the first). I still feel awkward around some of her teammates and the friendliness I used to feel is gone from some. I wish I knew why. Brandi just changed Jackson and I've got to accept that. I also have to stop hanging out at her games if it's going to increase the loneliness and sense of isolation. I decided to pig out on Taco Bell and head back here instead of going to the end of season party this year. Definitely not a social move, but I didn't feel like going without showering and I didn't feel like driving back here then driving all the way downtown for the party. I am not in a party mood.
I hope I return to the motivation I had for a few days tomorrow.
Sometimes I really buy into the feeling that nobody cares.
In case it matters.
Definitely not enough sleep, definitely. Rainman brain going on, lack of focus and blurry vision at the plate and a couple of very bad calls left me swinging at bad pitches and hitting very poorly so I got all my exercise walking around all day and chasing errant throws but not much on the field during the games. Very disappointing for myself and the team played so poorly as well for their own reasons. More disappointing is we may forfeit the last two games of the season and there goes my softball for a while except for Monday nights and tournaments. That is why sleep and daily exercise, as much as solitary exercise is not as much fun as it used to be, is so vital to survival now.
Maybe someone will surprise me and care today.
Groggy, but dressed for softball. I don't get any workout on Sundays unless I put myself in a good place and hit well, so I hope I can today in spite of the lack of sleep. The visual clarity to see the ball goes away when I don't sleep long enough (or don't sleep well) and I am feeling lethargic right now. I don't want to do caffeine because I am off the BP meds at least until Tuesday when I hope the doctor will give me a prescription. This search for a primary doctor is ridiculously failing. Leave that for another time, try to focus, might not be a good day otherwise.
Alone is challenging sometimes.
And so the catching up is complete, relatively speaking (or writing, in this case). Right on time too, for the nodding of the head has begun and the clock on the wall says I can get five hours sleep it I head to the bed now. Maybe even six. Wait a minute, I just checked and I had my games and Jackson's games mixed up. She plays at noon, I play at ten. So I will do well to get four hours sleep at this point. actually, less, because the catching up took a while so the time stamp is a bit premature. Three hours sleep, alas, and no BP meds. Hope for the best.
Alas, (thought the food and body blogs and all the creative play will have to wait until tomorrow. Life is too much fun to sleep sometimes.
Saturday, April 28, 2018
did not eat the pizza. In fact, so far all I ate at the game party was some of the chocolate chip cookies I was asked to bring. The Commodore was there, surprise, but alas, his daughter was not. We caught up a bit and then, game time. Tinman chose a game that might go on all night. No cards are being played. Sarducci and Harpo showed up, but it doesn't look like they are going to play anything. Sarducci is napping on the couch and Harpo is talking about life and whatever. Distracting, but he doesn't pick up on the social cues well and then gets his feelings hurt. Our little group, gotta love them.
Board games take some figuring, ya know?
Yes we are. The polite turn is Buffet Dwellers and many foodies are laughing with me
because we know. Oh, how we love our food. Right, so after three days of well-formed dietary discipline, the crazy buffet madness was given some time. That's the name. Crazy Buffet. It is one of the best buffets in this area for under $15. The food is better, but they missed the duck. That is, that missed to buss on duck by not putting any out. Te soft shell crabs came out in bushels, as did most of the rest of the food, but no duck after asking everyone I could approach.
Still, yummy pig-out dinner. Back to the low-calorie diet tomorrow.
I'll be back to catch up in a bit as there are several (at least) entries waiting for a re-read before they are uploaded and more in the brain, but just in case you were getting used to frequent entries here is one for today until I get back and slip the others in later tonight. The healthier movement continued today and this arks day four of jog/walk and lower calories (though the dinner plans will make today a higher calorie day). The body blog and the food blog have both reawakened which is hopefully a good sign. Other even longer sleeping blogs have found a sprinkling growth as well. For now, it's shower and head out time.
See ya later :)
And the day goes to... me. That is, I am almost certainly not heading to the party that starts in an hour or two because I am giving myself some me-time and stuff got real. in the deal, brother. Seriously, coming to terms with coming of age coming is way past time to learn the birds and the bees, but Victoria screwed us all, pun intended. There's like in these there gardens and the me-time is essential for continued growth. I'll head out to dinner and the game party after dinner, for now, it's me time in the gardens
Such a sweet madness...
Yes, you're sleeping good now, ar'ncha boy? I woke briefly, a bathroom call, thought about going out for a jog/walk to not break the morning routine, then laid back down and fell back to sleep because that thought barely made it to consciousness. Good dream, waking up, feeling together. There's plenty of time before the day needs to begin.
Good morning, good morning, good night.
There is no end to the madness of the babbler and whether the label writer, poet, sage, prophet, savior, or fool is bestowed in time by anyone finding the writings in these written gardens (if such a finding ever happens... if these words are never found, they can't be called nothing... and if that doesn't amuse you, you probably got on the wrong boxcar), they (the writings and the gardens) continue. You might have heard there are other blogs. Hundreds, in fact. Many hibernate or stay dormant for months. This week some sprang back to life. Remember (e)thereal? It might as well be dedicated to the one I love, but I've loved many, so such a dedication would likely be confusing leading to all sorts of misunderstandings. Let's just say it's a blog dedicated to a certain place and time (at 4 AM) and leave it at that (unless you want to dig for more, naturally).
Did you see the smirk?
Friday, April 27, 2018
Not the song, but the awareness of being alive in this physical body is returning once again and the body blog and food blog woke up to pay attention. Go look if you want, the details are not just in the details anymore, in you know what I mean, in case it matters and all. Food details go in the daily food blog. Physical activity and the conversations with and about this body go in the body blog, which should be daily but... sometimes I fall out of touch with this body I inhabit. Fool, yes, but quite human, in case you forgot yourself. The laundry is done, the room is way tidier than it was yesterday, could the brain be de-cluttered next? I didn't say the heart, that is still labelled, with a sigh and a semi-chuckle and a secret grin only a select few dare to see, beyond repair.
But there's always hope :)
Some days all you can do is set the cruise control and let the schedule take you where it was set to go. So I got as much done as I could at the desk and closed the files and computer safely and picked it up and headed out the door to the Fire Training Center, getting there with minutes to spare to fine about twenty trainee fire fighters all excited about defensing driver training. I am being quite sarcastic about the excited part. The training went well, mostly. The only female in the room seemed more interested in flirting with the guy sitting next to her than paying attention and I had to reminder her that an Assistant Chief's daughter should be setting the example for respect and disciple. I'll joke about it with her dad one of these days. Finishing up early, I headed here to throw a wash in the washer and am now out return the county car, pick up my car, pick up some dryer sheets at the store, and have a fun night doing laundry. Yes, sarcasm again. It has to be done, ya know?
How are you spending your Friday evening?
Before the workday started boss asked for something and knowing I had little time at my desk today I jumped right on it, so walking will come a little later in the day today. A morning meeting with IS that I set up followed and then I raced the clock to get work done before I had to leave for a training I was doing for the Fire Department at their training center. I'd be leaving for the day (and week) from there, so saving and closing files and shutting down the computer for the weekend needs to be squeezed in as well. I don't necessarily want to turn back time, Cher, but stopping it now and then would be cool.
I lied, I'd love to turn back time now and then too.
Ah, the memories :)
Waking up early enough to do a little writing, me time, and put on the socks and shoes and get out for a jog/walk is challenging, but not as challenging as it could be if I did not want to do it so morning three and a jog/walk is done and I am stepping in the shower and heading to the lab to get my blood drawn for next week's doctor's appointment. I might not have as much walking time before I sit down at my desk as I'd like as I have an early meeting to prepare for, but this change is good and hopefully will continue through the weekend and into next week.
I know you are cheering me on, but you could do it just a bit louder, ya know?
With a wink and a nod.
I'm in love again. It's a foodie thing. Above average appetite, below average weight? I can dream. Probably am as I am likely fast asleep when this posts. In case it matters, profound changes may be bubbling up from the core and the last great eruption may be just over the next hump. For the record, the links in this entry mean a lot to me and if you care (or are simply curious for now and might care later), you'll click on each one. No ultimatum, I still love you no matter what. That's unconditional love for you, even alone. Meanwhile, while I am a serious friend of food, I am not always letting food be my friend and the past couple of days may be a sign I am remembering that. I still wish I had more foodie friends. Among other missing activity partners, alas. You've heard this one before? Well alright then, although I napped for a couple or few hours immediately after work, I really better be off my but and sleeping soundly right now. Health and living, you know?
So will I ever hear from you ?
Thursday, April 26, 2018
No kidding, the body thoughts blog says so. While we are on the subject, there are several (more than several) tabs open reminding me that there are other blogs and I have not recorded the writings in the table of contents blog yet. The new blogger dashboard allows blog posts to get lost way too easily as it only brings the last three blogs to the top and some of us have more than three blogs that we used regularly for different purposes vital to national security, the survival of the human species, and the continuation of the universe, at least. Yeah, it's that big a paradigm shift. In case it matters. You really are missing out when you choose to stop keeping in touch, ya know? Just check the last few (thousand) entries.
Don't believe me? Don't care? Well, here are three that are not visited very often, but oh the amazing stories they might hold. Right here in this daily blog, this makes #103 for the month, at least. Did I mentioned I opened the window for the first time in more than two years?
There were more, I promise, but I don't have time to try to find them on the blog list at the moment so those entries may never be recorded in the table of contents and we can consider them hidden tracks, or something like that. As if anyone is finding the tracks not hidden.
Smokey Robinson, where are you?
Switch diet from carbs to protein.
Started morning jog/walk.
Opened the window.
Dreamed of making love.
Yes, without much planning (if any, actually), I made some changes in the daily life. Two nights ago I started sleeping with the window open for the first time in more than two years. Maybe I am getting comfortable in the ghetto. I might have even awakened a part of my heart long sleeping, the part that believes it might share physical love once again. Such are the little changes bringing much excitement to the daily life. And now, right now at this very moment, the first bowel movement that is proving to be painful to pass since the onset of food poisoning and subsequent C.Diff back in February. See what you've been missing?
Gonna take a nap now.
One of my coworkers mentioned that I must get hungry smelling all the food that is cooked in the microwave that is in the break room half of my office. It is on the other side of the six foot file cabinets (with two high file boxes stacked all the wal across on op) which divide my office in half, making it the file room as well. Sometimes the pasta or barbecue or other smells do get me salivating, but today there was no time to stop for lunch. Too much to do 7:30-5:30 to pause. I do not love the lack of me time, I do still love the job, though I love it more when half the time I am out of the office which has not happened much except for meetings this month. I am reaching the point where there is no time to file, which can be a tipping point for productivity and organization, but I haven't lost it yet. Not this time.
The body has way to much fat on it anyway.
Second morning of the change in behavior brings morning wood and masturbation. I don't often mention masturbation, but I masturbate regularly, though the involuntary night time wet dreams don't come around here as often as they used to. People who have slept with me in the past took their chances lol. Anyway, I shall don't the running shoes I found in a bag I brought from storage but forgot about yesterday. I never did give up, go figure. Another morning run (slow jog for now) and walk. Then more steps at work and then, another day at the desk (too much paperwork these days).
Mornings should always be like this, though not so alone.
The time, boy, pay attention son (boy's about as thick as a brick at the bottom of a dry well). Meanwhile, here's an entry for later just in case I actually fall asleep and dream of, well, you know, love, love, love (everybody now). The fact is, this month will reach 100 entries if I don't die tomorrow and that'll be the first 100 entry month in... more than 2 years (omg, since Jackson move out... let's not read too much into that, but this is the first time I have lived relatively alone (we don't have to count Eb since we seldom interact) and did not have 100 entries a month many times. There is the fact that I am maintaining two daily blogs instead of one and regularly writing in other blogs as well (just see for yourself, why dontcha) and I even started a few new blogs (at least) in these past couple of years (oh dear) but really, I am shocked (oh my) I didn't overindulge myself before this here (it's the environs, they poison, honey). Maybe I have and nobody noticed. As if it matters (wait, I mean... in case it matters, yes, the more positive spin, right). Egads! Have we hence commenced with the babble?
If ye see typos, blame the blurry eyes.
Still, it turns me on...
But the party wasn't over. Ah, so many of the opening lines of my blog entries wold be lost without the title of the entry and to think, some blog themes or whatever we call the code behind what we see do not connect titles well so you'd be sitting there wondering why I am laughing at the first line. What party, who's party, and why wasn't I invited, right? Here I sit with blurry eyes after turning off the TV (and the lights, remember) laying down and playing just a few games of Toon Blast and twenty or so games later (or more, I'm on level 200 something), I run out of lives and pt the phone down and close my eyes and poof, here I am sitting up writing once again. Hungry again. Writing again. Dreaming again. Oh, you just had to be there, again.
Oh, but you must know truly really how much I so dearly wish someone was.
And did you see what happened yesterday?
Wednesday, April 25, 2018
Dinner was two cans of chicken with some mayo and cheese sauce and spices. Belly bloat, but lower calories. I must get used to lower calories. And lower carbs. And more exercise. And I wonder who the lab tests have not reached the doctor yet and why the doctor hasn't called. The movie was something about a spearhead. The Spearhead Effect. Some movies seem to just be there to mess with your head. Then, in The X-Files, Skinner sleeps with Samantha Carter. Serious mouth on mouth action. Some might call it kissing. I never understood how people kiss so easily, but that's another story. Anyway, Sam suddenly grows old and dies. Pity.
Hungry but bloated, drinking water. And Pretzels. Sleep soon?
But did you see what happened today?
Except for lunch. And the walk in the morning. More done, more to do tomorrow. Need to get a lot of steps in tonight. A lot of steps. Too much desk work, not enough time. Preparing for next week's big meeting because next week is scheduled to be busier than this one. Signed off on some bills and incidents and answered a bunch of emails, sorted a few hundred emails. Still more than a thousand emails in my Inbox. Still more desk work must be done. Still not healthy, but a shift happened today.
Keep it up.
We eat out a lot at work, almost once a week, which certainly does not help my budget. I walked 5,000 steps this morning before going to my desk. I stood for half an hour before sitting down because I was perspiration needed to dry as much as possible before I sat down. Working standing was slower because I do not have a standing desk, but it was possible. Good to know in case these walkings happen again and they better or I will not meet this week's goal because softball is dying. Meanwhile, lunch changed places due to the lack of planning and not enough seats (you'd think someone would get the idea that reservations help). The bossy co-worker was especially snippy today. Enough for the boss to call her on it. We took three cars for four people to lunch. She's a strange one. Seems to resent me being there, like I am intruding on her space or something. We ended up at Applebee's and I had Thai Shrimp Salad, ok, not great, but hopefully fewer calories. You never know when you order salad out because some places put a thousand calories worth of dressing on a salad. The menu said 410 calories. Better than most of the other menu items I might have ordered. I resisted the appetizers mostly because a few others swarmed them so fast. I should thank them.
Anyway, back to work, hi ho.
Yes, wow. What a difference a little sleep can make. In my mind, and in this body. I feel like running. . . . . and so I did. One block, one city-block sized block. walked back. over a thousand steps. Still feel jazzed after a shower. Heading into work now, early, and intend to do some walking. Without boots.
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Sleep makes everything so much better. I believe I forgot to mention that I checked work email and my work calendar before texting boss and saw there was nothing that couldn't wait until afternoon, so even though I woke about hourly, I am much better than I was earlier and except for bloat, feel ready to play ball (alas, my weekly league softball teams have dissolved for now, must accept that), but alas, I will head to work in a few minutes after the butt dries. While I haven't mentioned it recently, the nagging ailments continue and hopefully the doctor's PA will call soon as last week's test results should be about processed any day now. Just in case in matters, ya know?
So will I ever find you communicating again?
Silent love, no doubt.
Still, it turns me on.
So I sat in the chair and nodded off after the middle of the night pasta and cheese and after an hour the chair became uncomfortable enough to wake me even out of that deep carb coma (I miss a recliner so much) and I crawled the two feet into bed (more like stand up and fall over) and played a game of Toon Blast to get to level 200 and fell back to sleep and the alarm just rang and I am not right n the head. So I laid there a few seconds and texted the boss to tell him I wouldn't be in until noon due to a blood pressure headache which was almost completely true because the blood pressure is mostly the difference between current insomnia and past insomnia (though I don't actually have insomnia, much) and he was fine with that and I fall back to sleep now. Jackson texted good morning and I texted back. Other texts happened, but I fell asleep.
Are we having fun yet?
Maybe I am just that crazy, just crazy enough to have cooked a half a box of rotini pasta in the microwave. about 45 minutes at half power. That makes for really chewy rotini and then, I covered it in cream cheese, cheddar cheese sauce, butter, ketchup, a little salt, and reheated it another five minutes. It is now over 80 degrees and the hot pasta and cheese has me dripping. So much for the shower I took a few hours ago. More than a few, yes, here we are again. Who'd believe it. Surely sleeplessness and deathly hallows shall follow me all day tomorrow.
I ain't nothing but a hound dog (or something like that).
Yeah, so why am I not asleep? Hunger. Hunger for companionship. Hunger for caring, for sharing caring. Hunger to love and be loved. Hunger for food too, but I am not crazy enough to go out and buy anything and there is nothing in the house easy to eat that I want and I am not crazy enough to cook something (pasta, most likely) which would take a while and provide way more calories than this body should have after midnight and yet, sleep comes so much more easily after carbs.
enough to want to talk to me
enough to want to be with me
enough to want to live with me
wish someone cared about me
enough to want to play with me
enough to want to sing with me
enough to want to sleep with me
I am so tired of being alone
it's been so long since I felt at home
a refugee on my own
I gave up trying to do anything, to roam
in search of someone who will care
who will share
life begins when we become a pair
wish someone cared about me
enough to care to share
to make us a pair
The hunger did not go away after two protein drinks.
Monday, April 23, 2018
Do you learn more about me when I ramble in this brief babbling entries? The body feels much much better. Exercise, that is what it needed and it still needs more, but it's getting late and the body (and brain) really needs sleep too, especially without the blood pressure medication. We did good, I shut down the other team, our defense (mostly our third baseman, but also our outfield) played really good defense. We did not hit well (I went 2 for 3 with a walk), but we scored 9 runs. They scored 4 with help from a few weak plays (we have a second baseman who can't turn a double play and there were at least five double play balls in seven innings). Somehow, in a league where we finished near last (third out of four teams), we are 2-0 and one of the wins came against the team that knocked us out of the playoffs last season by a score of 3-2.
Exercise, the body definitely needs more exercise.
A little cramping, a little neckache, a little damping, a little headache, this body is slowly failing in so many ways. So why am I awake, right? The body needs sleep, and food, for that matter, but I have softball to get to. Maybe the body is just reacting to withdrawals from the blood pressure medication. Monday night softball. The one league I will have left after we wrap up the Sunday league in two weeks. One men's league left. All the co-ed leagues are fading away. Girls don't want to play with me anymore. Anyway, I've got to get going and hope it doesn't rain and maybe some food, not much, and a couple of protein drinks. Softball, must have softball.
What are you addicted to?
The best is yet to be, but nobody is growing old with me because nobody is with me. Meanwhile, I am working. The meeting went very well, I easily took lead which is the plan boss and I have, to take over that meeting and incorporate it into a bigger full-county meeting. I actually went in blind and didn't think it would be that easy but I ran meeting like that hundreds of times and already have several plans to change and improve it when I officially take over. Only the boss and I know, maybe his boss and his bosses' boss, but that's it. It's a pretty simple plan. As long as the fire department is part of the county, it should not have complete autonomy (especially when it's not run well on many levels), so bringing them back under the county's umbrella, in this case my umbrella because I am the county level safety officer, is best for them and the county.
The headache is on and off, but I push through the day anyway.
But I feel one growing and really would do better getting more sleep, but I've got to get to an important meeting so no sleep for me, pussycat. I will be a awake in a few. Hopefully I will find a way out of the pounding. Maybe take one of the last of the few blood pressure medications left. Vitamins. Water, maybe I am dehydrating. No sleep, that's what I need most. I must keep going, just keep swimming, get up, get dressed (if only could hot shower, but luke-warm is still the best I can get here) , and get to the meeting. That s life. Alone.
Good Monday morning to you too. lol. Sigh.
Ok, so sometimes I am not wide awake. Woke around midnight-ish and laid in bed playing Toon Blast and I can barely see. So naturally I sat up to play some cards and then, blurrier than ever, I started writing. When all esle fails, when the brain is hurting, when the blues are playing, when the body aches, when sleep will not come, write. What, don't believe me? Yeah, well your loss if you don't walk through the written gardens, with or without me.
All I ever wanted was the one, you know?
Sunday, April 22, 2018
Yes, slippery restless sleep, that's where I went. Would be best if I slept all night but I feel the blood pressure rising and a slight headache. The last time I had a headache was years ago, I don't remember when. It's probably logged in here somewhere, it is rare enough to be announced and recorded. The neck and overall body aches keeps waking me and yet I am so tired, a vicious cycle. Too much sitting, not enough movement, another vicious cycle. There must be some way out of here...
Somewhere else... elsewhere?
The rains came just as I finished putting my pads and shoes on. Within five minutes the fields were flooded and all games were cancelled for the day. A double header rescheduled for another week and all those steps need to be made up some other way, but first, drown my sorrows in celebration at the Chinese buffet. Tinman called and he came over to sare the feast. They put out a whole tray of excellent duck and boy did I feast. Heading back to the place I sleep now.
Wish you were here (somebody, anybody, find me...
Maybe I should call them three stooges. We go to Harpo's place to play cards ad games and it's such a strange experience every time. Everyone has to cater to Sarducci because if he doesn't win he makes all sorts of excuses, complains, blames others for playing wrong, and often just stops playing in the middle of a game. Tinman's way of dealing with it is to play a video game on his phone while playing the game with us which disrupts the game at times. Tonight Sarducci and ... were doing the same thing. I finally said let's stop pretending we want to play with each other and lets go sit comfortably in the living room and play our phones and talk. Sarducci tried to challenge me by by waiting until it was his turn to put his cards down and look for music to play on his phone and I put my cards down said enough, but the others realized the distractions were getting out of hand and called him on it and from then on we actually played as if we respected each other and wanted to play with each other. The cell phone internet generation is amazing to see as they lose social skills and simple social courtesies. These guys are in their 40s and 50s, no less.
So I did not play to win and everyone noticed except Sarducci, but nobody said anything because he still almost walked out and complained and if I did play to win it would have been worse and he'd have probably walked out. Poor guy is so depressed with such a fragile ego and lack of self-awareness.. it's more group therapy than social play. I've known them for a decade, at least, and it is challenging to find new friends with intelligence, awareness, social skills, and a secure ego as the years pass. People stay locked into their social groups behind closed doors and except for the bar scene and dating sites, friends are sparse.
So I continue to hang out with the dysfunction groups I know. Tinman understands and stays close to them for his reasons similar to mine. They are good people, just so fragile and self-absorbed. So I made sure I came in second to Sarducci in a few games by throwing the last hand or round or two and only called him out for changing rules to suit himself a few times. I'm not even sure that's good therapy, but everybody was happy and keeps coming back. We are a strange company lol :)
Saturday, April 21, 2018
I wonder how many I miss, lost in SPAM or in one of my many filtered folders. There's just too much email to sort through in the time I have to do it. Those who know me well know a private email that is relatively SPAM-free. Few have it and they know not to share it. The email I use for public sites and personals sites and the roommate site and my websites and blogs and more is filtered by Google and Kaspersky and me so it is possible to lose something in the sifting and deleting. Hopefully someone who wants to contact me will not give up if they don't get a response to their first contact. Or second or third, for that matter. There are many ways to find me, after all, my telephone number is all over my public pages.
Just a thought as I slip this in as I am out playing games with friends.
AKA, lazy day. So The X-Files replaced music some time since the previous entry and Toon Blast replaced Facebook browsing as well. I visited the FB home page, or "wall" for the first time in many months and sure enough, found reason to leave some comments. I also added posts to pages, sent a bunch of friend requests, and even posted on my own page. I enjoyed the Google doodle. Soon I will get dressed and head out for food. Alone again, naturally (Helen rescheduled for next week). After that, cards and games with Harpo, Tinman, and Sarducci at Harpo's house. Maybe others will stop by, but the old game group are not into games as much as they use to be. Softball isn't until noon tomorrow, so I can stay out and still get sleep.
And the excitement continues to build. :)
So far, I've written a bit since waking with only occasional distractions. I left Facebook open last night (did I mention I was uploading some posts to my pages there last night while watching The X-Files out of the corners of my eyes?) and Jackson posted a song and that lead to a letter to an old friend who may just be the last person with whom I shared sexual fun (oh, were all running to read that letter now, aye?) which includes the song Jackson posted and reflects, very briefly, on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness (or something like that). In a few hours I may go to the best chinese buffet in town with Helen if she accomplishes all her gals for today in time. Restful, relaxing day, though I must get to stepping (walking, maybe the elliptical at the gym?) as the last three weeks of the steps challenge at work have begun and maintaining all those steps is challenging due to laziness and time constraints.
Never give up, never surrender! lol lam las laa :)
I coulda shoulda woulda, but I didn't. Wake up to drive 30+ minutes to get in some batting practice and play a slow game or two of softball with the seniors. It's more exercise than sleeping in, but not much exercise as they use a cage to protect pitchers and the activities move very slowly. More importantly (higher risk) is that it is played at the park without shade or water or much grass so the heat and dehydration factor is high there. I don't feel like putting my kidneys (r heart) through that, especially when I am mostly off my BP meds. So I slept in instead. In fact, I am sleeping right now.
The belly mocks me and I laugh.
You have a couple of few links to click through if you are in the mood to care. I know, sometimes caring is asking for too much and sometimes there's just not enough time, we're al so busy, even if it just working up some serious sarcasm. The eyes are blurry from tears and fatigue. Mulder and Scully continue conversing about something in the background. glance up at the TV, ok, then back to the screen and the blurs interfere with the usual reading. So where art thou my Juliet?
Somewhere over the rainbow, perhaps.
Friday, April 20, 2018
It gets a little hairy, all this blogging in spurts, all this waking in the dark, all this write till it hurts. It gets a little hairy, all this paranoid shit, all this wondering why, all this damn loneliness. Did they never hear of making a copy? A dozen copies? Hundreds, thousands, millions of copies? As if there is just one holy grail. Or just one truth. Every morning it's the same old story, without the love, alas. The hope returns as I open my eyes after the loneliness filled the night. I still remember laughter and there ain't no stairway up nor down in my world. Nope, this was a very long week and it ends with disappointment and folly and Mulder's penis. They didn't show Scully's camel toe, I mean seriously, where's the equal time? As it was written decades ago in my earliest youth, surely madness and nonsense shall follow me all of my days.
As the belly continues to grow.
Are you thoroughly amazed yet? This is nothing. Reach back into the archives of the previous daily and you'll find months with three hundred or more entries. Remember operation paper clip? Well, you wouldn't believe all the data gathered in video game arcades. Where do you think the military recruits their best and brightest. Almost as much an oxymoron as military intelligence. As if there is anything intelligent about improving killing people or species suicide. Very disappointing.
Also, after getting a good night sleep to be ready for the start of the Friday night softball league, I found out that my Friday night softball team is not playing this season. Realizing that leaves me with just one softball game a week for the next few months, I was severely disappointed and poised on the abyss of depression. Life just seems to be pointing toward wasting away and death with every passing year no matter what. Swimming against the current just get more and more challenging.
Just keep swimming.
Paper, paper, paper. Partly fr me, partly for them. Mostly for them. I smell the lunches of others cooked on the other side of the wall of files in my office. My office is the file room and the break room. If it was in the basement it would be the office move all over again, but it's right across the hall from the division manager and two doors down from the department manager a few steps away from the HR director and around the corner from the County Manager and County Commissioners. About 90% of the highest paid people working for the county government are on this floor, the top floor of the main administrative building. I've got the most prestigious break-file room office in the county, maybe in the state.
The hunger passes as the smells subside.
Remember yesterday? Remember skip to ma lou? Remember loneliness? Remember laughter? Well, here we go again. Another morning, another day. Hi ho skip skip and la dee dah. Five days out of seven every week, but they do give some time back in bits, a few hours a week, a few hours for every forty given. You think you own your life? How stupid do you really want to be? Dare you answer? Dare you even want to know?
At least it is Friday.
Thursday, April 19, 2018
This blog began as the daily, the briefest and most succinct and to the point daily of them all. What has happened this month is a reminder, perhaps a startling reminder (though not to be unexpected if memory and reason remain intact, not to mention awareness... but who is really conscious anymore?). A reminder of the babbler that lurks within. A reminder of the madness that dances with the devil in the pale moon light. A reminder of the trilogy that never ends. I slept deep this night, waking for the bladder exchange a time or two, maybe, but deeply. Not taking the BP meds allows for longer deeper sleep, though it is probably pretty not good for the heart, kidneys, liver, brain, and so on. Still, I continue writing. Still, it turns me on.
Do you have any idea why?
Working late again, then, back here for food, rice and chicken and corn and some other stuff... then, nodding off in the chair and then... giving into sleep, crawling into bed, sleep... deep sleep. I so rarely remember dreaming and for many years the rare times I did remember the dream where Utopian, euphoric, innocence of the infant child. Recently the dreams have been of betrayal and abandonment beyond reason or logic, a madness that mimic life and stretches it nearly beyond belief, but for some one us, truth can be anything so belief can be anything.
Will anybody ever really understand me?
Might as well be, since it's not food and whatever, since I don't eat lunch because I was still plowing through desk work, now going on three, four, some weeks straight. I've lost touch with counting, who has time. I do get hungry and would eat if I had some food I wanted to eat in my office. I could bring food in, but I forget. I have no supermarket near here and don't use the fridge or freezer much and unfortunately, I don't take care of myself as well as I could. In fact, I neglect myself pretty severely, but hey. I've got work to do so what am I doing sitting here blogging... it's not a question.
Hi ho, back to work I go.
Sometimes it is hard to believe, sometimes just challenging. very morning I wake up and go out and give this life I live to others. This time I am alive is not mine, I do others bidding so they will give me money so I can buy food and shelter and clothing and this laptop that Microsoft owns and the few things around me and all the stuff in storage and a few friends and family along the way even if none ever stay.
It's a strange life, this is. And now I go to work. Hi ho.
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
Life is like that, or this, at least today and for better or worse (mostly worse), most days. Softball interrupts the pattern a few times a week, but not enough. Other exercise must be initiated soon or death will come much sooner than it would if exercise was initiated soon. Especially since I am almost out of BP meds and don't have a doctor. I thought I had an appointment for May, but I checked my calendar and apparently I don't. I'm addicted to the BP meds so have to figure out how to get more. I am using the TV to distract myself.
The monthly birthday lunch was at Mellow Mushroom. I had soup, salad, and one slice of pizza. Foolish meal choices could kill me since I am almost off the BP meds. Accomplished all the goals for the day, including dropping off the poop, but there is still more paperwork to do so I am stuck at the desk. An afternoon of data entry and so on.
Sure could use some help.
The day ahead, that is, especially when one is reborn each time we open our eyes, especially after a solid eight plus hours of sleep and waking comes naturally, without aid of mechanical or electronic devices. Yes, it is another wonderful morning with birds chirping and breezes singing through the trees. I wonder if someone muzzled the rooster. In any case, the day begins with time for me and then, a luke-hot shower (better than none) and self-care and the slightest touch of pampering and the world awaits the new born perspective as if it's never happened before.
Life can be so exciting this way, I really ought to do it more often.
How about you?
More stupid than crazy, but whatever. Nobody cared except for one person who cared ambivalently or partially or inconsistently or out of guilt or for mixed reasons, but not just to care about me. I feel so alone in this world that even the dreams have me reliving abandonment and confusion over why it keeps happening to me so suddenly. Why do I keep trusting people. Why don't I see it coming. I understand how weaker minds without a sense of self or write and wrong and some delusional belief in some reward after death can become serial killers or mass murderers. The human mind is so stupid at this stage of development.
I wonder why I continue to care.
No less feel good.
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
Ten entries popped out tonight catching up on every few hours of the past two days. Each entry had a first like answer to the title, remember when I used to do that a lot. Anyway, it was like a mini two hours blogathon. Big Bang played in the background from the living room. The one when Penny and Sheldon's roommate have their first and second and third and... kiss. The storyline gives him a devoted wife and lover and best friend, why not me? Then, as if he was listening to my TV, The X-Files. Maybe there's no Star-Trek marathon tonight. But ohhhhh, the carb soup was so good.
I really am going to lay down now.
My name is Bugs and I am a Carboholic. Until I was six years old, maybe seven, I could eat all the carbs in the world (and my grandma fed them to me because everyone thought I was too skinny) and then, puberty struck. Suddenly I was being dragged through the Husky department of department stores. I was such a happy little kid, but I turned into a mean chubster. Over the years I slimmed down when I ran marathons, worked out and ran daily, most days 10-15 miles. Then, as the years passed, there was less energy and the workaholic left little time or energy for the daily running and workouts. I mean, even in optimal shape it took almost an hour to run 10 miles. Time ran out on fitness mostly because I chose first world poverty by giving it all away several times over the selfish greedy path many (most?) people take. Now, later on in life, I am running headlong into a diabetic coma. There are probably worse ways to die.
All that drama because I ate ton of carbs tonight.
So how are you? :)
Not what most would call success, cuz it does not involve money, just accomplishing goals. So no lunch, but I did get a few important things done today that I wanted to get done today. Now, food. Loneliness is leading me right to the carbs and cheese soup that has been sitting in the fridge for a few days. Fifteen minutes in the microwave and yumminess (and warmth, I am actually cold from sitting in a 65 degree office all day. I feel like a hug tonight, but that is unlikely. I just want a friend to talk to, but I'm not in an awful way. Just a lonely way.
Now, for the carbs and the good feeling rush they bring.
Ate least I ate lunch yesterday, no wait, I didn't. I have softball tonight, an early game (6:30) so I must get some food in me and fluids, don't forget the fluids... wait a minute, that was last night. I was hoping to get out for lunch anyway so I can drop off the re-frozen poop, but it is not looking like I will take any sort of break today. So much to do at the desk. What's on your agenda today?
Hi ho, hi ho, how I wish I was not alone.
Because it is. Less than four hours sleep, but still I crawl out of bed after hitting snooze a few times and step into a shower and dress and pack my bag and head to work. Got a lot to do today, so wake up!
What are you doing today? I really want to know, but I'm too used to not getting what I want.
Because I am still awake, of course. Sleep comes sitting in the chair and I get up and use the potty and head to bed and then I lay there because the adrenaline is still flowing and the mind is still glowing and there is so much more to share even when no one is here so I sat up again and hours went by and here I am. Gonna lay down again now.
Monday, April 16, 2018
Because 22-21 come back win. It was fun and a little amazing, but the team that couldn't score three runs to tie the game in the payoffs scored 14 runs in one inning and 8 runs in the last inning against the same team we lost to 3-2 in the playoffs just two weeks ago. Or was it three? Weeks, that is. I pitched well, hit well, and fielded poorly. The rest of the team hit mostly well and fielded poorly. Still, with 50 second left I called out to the batter from the on deck circle. "Take a pitch." I said. He did and seconds ticked off the clock. Now all he needed to do was get a hit because with 50 seconds left we took a 22-21 lead. He got a hit and I stepped into the batters box with about 15 seconds left. I watched the pitch hit the plate, get by the catcher, and before the exit pitch time ran out and the ump yelled "Ball game!" Great way to win, hard way to lose, I've felt both feelings and tonight it was a win.
Even without BP meds.
Because the lab closes at four but I thought it closed at five. I really did. I told the boss I was leaving at 4:30 so I could drop off the poop at the lab (even though it was violating the keep it frozen law big time by now), but then the front door to the lab would not open because they were already closed. I may be giving them bad poop by the time I get it to them. Try again tomorrow.
So how was your day?
Because the morning ran into lunch and the lab is closed for lunch. I headed back to the office after the inspection for a 1 o'clock orientation appointment and unfortunately, the lab is closed from 12-1 so I could not drop off the slowly melting container of poop. I suppose you might be thinking that maybe you think finding today's entries was bad timing for you, I mean, unless you like reading about poop.
Real life, coming right at ya :)
Because the lab was too crowded for me to wait. See I left work to get to an inspection of a site and on the way I stopped at the freezer and headed to the lab and unfortunately, there wait was way too long so I couldn't give them my frozen poop so I headed to the inspection and got on with my day.
Because I can, because I have too much to say, too much to share and no one here so I write nights and work all day and somehow someone hopefully will come along and find some meaning and pleasure in my song.
Hi ho, hi ho, you know where I must go.
Make today smile :)
Sunday, April 15, 2018
Watched some X-Files, then somehow came across something about a netflix series about a 1980s cult in Oregon and in the article it pointed to a millennial youtuber with millions of followers who never heard about it and I wanted to see who this famous youtuber was so I spent some time visiting and exploring her channel. I'll write about that somewhere sometime. It took a half dozen videos (or more), but she sort of won me over and helped expand and clarify my understanding of the youtube phenomenon and how silly I was not to add vlogging to blogging. I would likely have been out there with them if I was not so whatever - old and poor and fat and shy and, did I mention whatever - at the time. I've got pockets full of excuses.
Chocolate milk kept me company while switching from TV to youtube. Since Tnnman was cooking pot roast and I don't like pot roast and Harpo rarely wants to go out for several reasons and I had no one else I really felt like calling, dinner was Costco pizza and hot dog, Wawa long john, a Taco Bell quessarito my way (supreme, extra beef, extra cheese... they seldom get it right because they put less rice or less everything in it because they are used to double wrapping it tightly which is why I ask for extra cuz it's is normally way more bread than anything else), a chicken and cheese frozen something, and some chocolate.
Then, reading some more articles and writing. I found me again, in a letter to Jackson again, and realized how much believing someone cares about me and might want to know me is so very vital to my existence and happiness. Reason to live important. More. Reason not to die important. That's about as important as anything can be in this life.
So I keep believing and writing, even if it's all just in my mind.
Not the best softball afternoon. The team didn't show up. Only nine players and no coach (coach was playing on his team at the same time we were playing). The eight besides me who did show up played like they were asleep, no enthusiasm, no energy, no bending over even. No bending over makes for a lot of errors in softball. The lineup was seriously strange as the lead off batter was one of the slowest and weakest hitters on the team and he shut down chances for runs every time he was on the field. He tripped over his own feet running from second to third and didn't get up. The runner on second ran past him so double play. First inning. Instead of bases loaded and no outs, runner on first and two outs. Our clean up hitter was a weak hitter too. Very strange. I'm not sure who made the lineup, but I'll ask coach about it next week.
No time to talk about it after the game because a serious downpour ended the game and everyone scattered. I was drenched, so I headed to the big box store for a pair of pants, but they had no casual pants (seriously strange), so I bought a pair of shorts. I had a T-shirt in the car but forgot to grab a go-bag even though I know the weather report called for rain during our second game today. The weather report was spot on, precise, even. I am heading to Tinman's to change. Harpo was busy doing his thing and heading there seemed to be an intrusion (he gets wrapped up in his stuff), but he might stop by. Sunday after softball we often grab food or do something.
Still, it's fun to be active and out in the elements, even wet :)
I didn't actually crawl into bed until after 4:00 AM, again, but I know I could sleep at least until 10 and in fact I reset the alarm to sleep to almost 11:00 AM. I don't know if I woke up yet, I feel a little groggy but I shall shower and head out to the fields a little early because Jackson texted and told me when she plays as if she might want a hug or just to say hello and I am there for my family even if no one is there for me most of the time. That much I know for sure, awake or asleep, because sharing caring is what I dream about all the time.
As if you don't know that by now.
Saturday, April 14, 2018
I was playing Toon Blast since arriving back here from the dinner. I rocked the game until I hit another wall and now, I pause. I'm close to level 150, if that means anything to you. So Helen and I went t the Italian buffet she found in the tourist zone and it sucked. I mean, Cici's at almost three times the price. We tried, we shall not be back. After the mostly bread dinner, we hung out downtown in the park for a while and caught up some more on life. A country band was at the band shell, not good, but we survived. We actually went there to walk around a couple of miles but Helen didn't feel like it after we got there so we sat and watched the lake and people and dogs and life.
How about you?
I opened a can and sauced up yesterday's leftovers and put it in the microwave and as it was heating up (can we call it cooking?) I remembered Helen and I have dinner plans at the Italian buffet she found in the tourist zone so I stopped the microwave and put the food back in the fridge and snacked on a protein drink and pretzels while continuing to watch The X-Files and write an entry or few here and wherever. It was a close call cuz I'd hate to go to an Italian buffet not hungry, no less bloated. Phew, almost, aye?
Was your afternoon this excitement?
Unless you want to be. I just hope you don't let sadness get out of control. Let me tell you how I view sadness for a moment. Perhaps you will understand me better and it will give you some reason to appreciate every emotion, including sadness.
The last entry, previous to this entry (not the last entry... hopefully the last entry won't come for a lot more years), might give you cause for sadness. Those prone to depression, especially, might read depression in the words I write. I know depression well. The way a cow knows a slaughterhouse or a dolphin knows the whaling ships. I'd rather not go there. I swim (or graze) in my own private world in my mind and the rest of humanity can do their thing in their minds. My mind is a playground, a fun house, a garden of eden to use a reference that might mean something to most people even if they turned the concept into the hell they seem to need for some dark reason in their minds. I have no need for the hell, the darkness is my friend and does not scare me. Fear, too, is my friend as well. In my mind, it does not turn into the irrational confusion so prevalent in most people.
Hopefully you understand and do not use my words to increase sadness beyond the simple sadness it is. The reality I live may be sad in many ways, but it is not reason for irrational fear. It is my way of avoiding irrational fear so fear and the darkness, all of the unknown, remains my friend. This may be why no one even tries to come close to me anymore, which is sad, but it is my playground, my simple joie de vie, my peace and security and clarity hat, as I said, keeps fear and darkness a wondrously joyous part of the playground of my mind. No matter how I feel, I can enjoy it if I want to. We all have that choice.
Good morning, how are you today? I will keep hoping you respond, I really want to know.
No matter how you feel, I love you.
Friday the Thirteenth saw thirteen entries as they were spread across the twelfth through this morning. The wonder of wonders is that it only took the majority of six hours to clean this room, superficially (except for the bed, I did deep clean the bed... it is almost dry). It looks much better, but the deep cleaning will wait for tomorrow or not be done if I don't feel motivated tomorrow. Nobody cares how I live, not even the ones who text regularly with caring words and invitations to do things. Not even the ones who invite me to activities daily and with whom I have fun more than once a week. I am so busy, I rarely have time for a sit home and relax doing nothing day and most of the time I have more social activities to choose from than I can attend. Still, no one cares how I live. So it is up to me and only me with no positive influence from anyone anywhere to resist the sloppy filthy environment in which I live. I don't usually let it get as messy and cluttered as it was before tonight, but it's much better now. Maybe I will motivate some vacuuming and deeper cleaning tomorrow.
Meanwhile, sleep crushes any other movement or thought for now.
Nite nite, sleep well, love you :)
Actually, that was last Monday. Tonight I am watching an air mattress dry. While watching The X-Files. Paper maps, large cell phones with an antenna you need to pull out. How the years pass and the last few decades are so different from each other in so many every day ways. Yet people are still as insane as ever... hating... fighting... fearing. I live in a different madhouse in my mind, wishing I could share it, but I've still not found another mind with a madhouse compatible with mine. No fear, no hate, no fight. Who can actualize the words I write? No fear. No hate. No fight. Who will share such a madness tonight.
Most people have no idea what unconditional really is.
How about you?
Friday, April 13, 2018
Wish I may, wish I might, do you read these words I write? Wish I may, wish I might, Will I sleep alone tonight? My luck did not change this Friday the Thirteenth. The one did not arrive. I sit here writing yet another entry to you, whomever you are (and you too, silent friends). The room is much more spacious. Things are where they belong as much as possible. It is a healthier room, but I discovered signs of just how unhealthy it was and still it. Sigh. Ouch.
I am starting the last two loads of laundry. I think I did seven. I discovered mold under the mattress pad. Black mold on the surface of the air mattress. Under where my shoulders and head sleep/ How does that happen? I am washing the mattress pad in bleach. Maybe it got the mold from the washer because it is too big for the washer. Maybe there is so much mold in this environment, that the root cause of my illnesses. I am bleaching the air mattress. If it blows up, I'll buy a new one. I'll likely buy a new mattress pad this weekend and throw out the old one. Might buy a new air mattress. At least I will bleach it again tomorrow. It's like living outdoors in a tent. Maybe worse. I'll switch ends on the air mattress tonight. When it dries.
I'll just sit here until it does.
So tired... so very tired.
This week was a four day work week. Last week was a three day work week. The week before was a four day work week. Next week is gonna feel like a long work week. Taking the time off proves it is not working that fatigues me, it is life. Life with less sleep than the body and mind needs to be optimal. Still, somehow, I have energy tonight. I am motivated to clean the room. It's been a while, the clutter is ridiculous, so in a few hours (or however long it takes), this space may just be less cluttered. And laundry may be done. So much laundry. Including sheets. Everything. Maybe even vacuum, if Eb wakes up. Leaving work to get here to find him asleep is getting old. The filth is getting older. So time to clean, clear tables, put things where they belong, and maybe feel just a little bit healthier in this foul space.
In case it matters.
Work work work. I took three work days off in the last two weeks and all seven days at work were desk days, mosty without lunch. Today is no exception. A software program crashed after I entered data for a few hours and all the data was lost. Learning a new program, finding out it requires redundant saves to actually saved new data, priceless. So I dove back in and entered all the data again and finished learning another stage of the program and saved a lot. All's well that ends well, except that the day goes by again at the desk. Come see me at lunch time.
Do you want to know me?
I did not wake until close to 4 AM. Close to eight complete hour asleep, completely asleep, the first time in a very long time, maybe years. I fell back to sleep and when the alarm went off, I was still sleepy. Deep into sleep. Seriously deep. So much fatigue, a week of sleep might return the brain to awake aware and oh wow.
For now though, hi ho, hi ho, you know where I've got to go.
In case it matters.
Thursday, April 12, 2018
I was deeply asleep at the time of this entry. Fooled ya? Whatever. I fell asleep several hours ago and ordinarily I'd be awake by now to empty my bladder. Maybe it is the deep fatigue, but it is definitely pausing the BP meds.That is probably not healthy and cud be deadly, but I don't have enough meds to last until the next doctor's appointment so I am stretching them. Thin. Alone. I really would rather not die alone.
In case it matters.
Most days are ten hour days at work. Most days are ten hour days without a lunch break. Some days are longer. I am adjusting to poverty again. I must stop spending so much on food. Even though eating here is bad for my health. Living here is bad for my health and I haven't saved anything in seven or eight months because I am spending too much money on food. And softball tournaments. And others. I love the job, but the pay cut hurts. I must stop eating more than I need to eat too. For the body. For the wallet. For life. I'd like to live a while longer, even if it is alone. Or here.
In case it matters.
A mountain of french fries would not appease the hunger, Niagara Falls would not appease the thirst. Though Niagara Falls would help an awful lot, but not the water as much as the stuff in storage just a few miles north of the falls. Working and giving it all away, that's life as I know it. Today is no exception. No lunch break. This is written after work, but just because I deserve a lunch break, I am calling this the lunch break entry. Somewhere, someone is having a lunch break. Maybe they are thinking of me. A lot of people cared about me in this life.
In case it matters.
To continue, to be prolific, to hope.
determine not to give up
so damned determined
Hope always fills my cup
I am determined
so far gone I can't let go
believing in a dream
true love, you know?
beyond the rainbow
So what do I know, I've got to get to work now.
Oh course. The world is round. It turns me on.
and I was home
once there way a way
to not be alone
and all it takes is trust
all it takes it love
can you do it?
dare you do it?
can you share it?
dare you share it?
I found a friend
gave her everything
so many friends
so many things
I leave myself with nothing
the giving feels so good
I'd give even more
if I could
but this morning all I want to do is start the day
by wishing you a Happy Birthday
I'll be here for you always, come what may
Happy Birthday, Happy Every Day
Happy Birthday, Happy Everyday
Friends deserve everything, but some friends deserve even more. The family I never had. The daughter I never had. The love unconditional love and trust I never had. That's what I give. Now and forever to a very few.
In case it matters.
The last few lackluster entries demonstrate well how tired I am, how unmotivated and burnt I am, and then this shows me how sad I am inside. Self-doubt burps and farts in these so very tired times when I just feel like giving up because I am too tired to care. Deep down I know I am fine, secure, and happier than anyone I know to be alive. Deep down I know I care infinitely, too much to handle sometimes, and I am simply turned off, resting, depressed by the world as it is, and finding no one who sees what I see, feels what I feel, knows what I know... awareness is such a very lonely experience.
Maybe I'll have some orange soda and pretzels or something.
Tomorrow is going to be a long day.
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Slept at least ten hours, maybe longer, but I am still tired. The excitement of the four day weekend is wearing off. The fatigue of pushing the body has caught up with me as the adrenaline slows so the mind and body can rest. If there was only enough time. Some people retire late in life. I retired early so now, back to work again. Gave it all away too many times.
Still love this life I've lived, even alone.
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
Body tired from exercise and helping Jackson paint, so tired last night I was in pain on my knees trying to finish the baseboards. It was good to spend a day with her again. I miss sharing. I miss a close friend. I miss someone caring about me who can. I'm not easy to get close to. I miss someone close. Time to head to work.
Make today a wonderful day, yeah. :)
Monday, April 9, 2018
Ten hours at Jackson's place, about six hours painting. Yesterday I show up at the fields ready to play a double header and wind up pitching two double headers and hitting well, I was on base 12 for 12 until I finally made two outs in my last two at bats for the day. Scored a lot, ran a lot, tired a lot. So a rest would have made sense, but instead I headed to Harpo's to play until after 1:00 AM and was still writing after I got back here. So not enough sleep hours for recovery and then, painting for six hours today. Just getting back here, showered, drank more water, It's 82 degrees in this space. Spring has barely sprung. But today was a good day.
Exhaustion arrived a while back and still... it turns me on :)
So sweet, an extra hour of sleep. While I am wondering why I do not take some corrective action, Jackson texted and said I can sleep an extra hour. I guess I was too tired (or trying to stay hands off) to ask how she expected us to paint a room top to bottom in one day starting so late, but I get an extra hour of sleep.
Nite Nite lol :)
You oughta know by now that when I refer you to the last three entries, it means something profoundly seriously irreverent (or irreverently seriously profound... or), but don't take my word for it, the links will speak fr themselves if you so wish to partake of the journey. Engage in the destination. Bridge those gaps (repeat three times in cheering fashion, manner even). Exhausted, but still reaching for the wind (answers?... call me).
Here's my hand...
Sunday, April 8, 2018
What word is it, insatiability? In any case, is it desperation for sharing or insatiability that compels me to pour words out into entry after entry this weekend as if it is the last weekend I will be able to do this? Will I get hit in the head by a softball and die tomorrow? Oh dear, perhaps I should wear my mask. Most of the time, I wear a transparent mask, a mask those who wish to see can see, a mask that can be seen through by those who wish to see me. It is not a magical mask, it is a combination of facial expressions, posture, body language, actions, who I am, how much of me is at consciously aware levels, and how much I follow through on being myself through my actions and reactions to experiences in this life.
So the answer is both, in case it matters.
My popularity in Romania continues to this day, signs of life from my Romania brother, I hope. Besides the US, Russia, Romania, and the Ukraine have been the countries that have visited my blogs most over the last ten years according to google blogger statistics. I have doubts about the accuracy of some of their statistics, but it is both curious and fascinating to see this. Do I owe it all to my Romanian brother, Z0tl? I miss you so much. My blog family that includes a sister from Russia? Miss you all. More than 25% of all visits to this blog come from Romania. For my previous daily that went on for almost 8 years and 7,000 entries, 9% came from Romania, 18% came from Russia, and 9% from the Ukraine. Other large contributors included France, Germany, and several other European and Asian countries.
All this statistical distraction does not diminish the feeling... I miss my Romanian brother.
May this and love find you smiling today.
Never give up, never surrender is an intense state of mind. Some might consider it insanity to maintain such a state of mind as a constant, a norm, an acceptable way of being. This is who I am, where I live, what I am all about. Never give up, never surrender. Never give up on love, true love, the love that is the primary component of the energy of the eternal infinity. The as yet to be explained energy connecting all things. Some call it god or gods by many names. Some call it scientific discoveries yet to be made. I call it what is, the single most important aspect of everything and reason to be alive. Never giving up on believing it is real and can be shared is my way, my philosophy, my life. Never surrendering to the fear or doubt or anything that might lead me away from my believe is my way, my security, my life. It is my silence, it is my song. It is my purpose, it's where I belong. It is my reason, my security. It is who I am, my reality. Sharing it is my life's fantasy. That is all I want in this life for me.
I thought you knew. :)
It has been more than a since I moved into this place where the showers are luke-warm at best and prior to that, wow, more than two years since I lived in a place where I could unpack most of my stuff and even before that, there were remnants of living like a refugee going back more than two decades and when I really think about it, it's been a lifetime... except for a few years... of living in other people's spaces. Maybe it's not so extreme, but this is the thought that came to me as I was trying to clean this body in the warmish water this morning. Sigh. First world homelessness, such a lucky vagabond.
At least I woke with time for a shower and now, although bloated, ready to play ball.
Make today fun, m'ok? :)
I will sleep when I feel like sleeping which is typically (you know if you've been reading me and have a good memory) 10-12 hours cycles after being away for 28-30 hours in my own personal 42 hours day. What planet has a 42 hour day? Mine. So here we are still awake in spite of softball in a few hours all because I was playing a game all because my mind wants more stimulation all because my body wasn't exercised enough today to need more sleep all because of my insatiable desire to share.
It's really quite simple, really.
Saturday, April 7, 2018
Yes, so I didn't eat as much today as I did yesterday, but I barely moved so I must focus on much more movement ad walk about twenty miles in the next couple of days in order to meet the goal of steps for the work team. Did I mention I am on a steps team at work? Remind me to explain another time. For now I'm going to try to get some walking done and then go to sleep because I have a double header in the morning. Back to the Sunday team that may not win another game this season, but will have fun every week. I think I've struck a very satisfying balance with my Sunday softball between tournaments with top teams and regular games with a fun team. Now I just have to not take off and vegetate too many days.
Nappy Birthday weekend :)
Too much rest and too much food is not the best combination for a slowing metabolism. As a teenager I could eat as many calories as I want to and the weight barely changed but now, not so. So buying sausages and bread and a big box of cookies and chocolate milk and making that my meals for the past two days while sitting around watching TV, writing nonsense like this, and napping regularly is definitely not a wise choice, especially when I am nearly out of BP meds and skipping doses.
Not wise, worse, rather stupid. Gotta change that tomorrow.
Wanna come over and walk a hundred miles with me?
Five hundred miles?
I care because I can. See previous entries, the one before the one before this one, to be precise. Maybe someone will notice a sudden flurry of entries here and read a bit more and find me interesting enough to contact me and communicate and get to know me and share and find out we are compatible friends and get together and have some fun and amuse each other...
we can stop there if you'd like.
So I get tired and lay down and sleep, then I wake up and come back to write. I may be getting a bit too much relaxation these pat two days, because I have no plans to do anything until tonight when I have dinner plans with Helen at an Italian buffet she found in the tourist zone. So I'll just stop in here to write a few words when I am awake because you are out there, somewhere, and if I am here you might find me and the world will be happy and gay. Or something like that.
Anybody want to say hello?
In case it matters, I continue. It matters to me, so it matters. In case it matters to you, I continue sharing. You matter to me, so this opportunity to share matters. It matters to me, because I care. I want to share everything with someone and if you want to share everything with me and we can share everything (compatibility is essential) the you are the one I've been looking for and here we are. This is why I share as much as I can as often as I can. That is what life is about, sharing everything. Every day. Daily life. Sharing.
That's all I want.
Friday, April 6, 2018
Today might have had a thousand entries. There are thirty-six hundred seconds in an hour and eighty-six thousand four hundred seconds in each day. Every moment matters. Catching up on CBS TV today, the criminal madness they like to glorify on NCIS and before that Criminal Minds. Depressing distractions sometimes provide some of the best synaptic exercises, though it was much better when the characters were family. Imaginary family, but still. The characters have changed so much over the last few years (and not sharing with Jackson definitely diminishes the imaginary family part), there is less connection than there used to be. Still, they keep me company.
Long day of relaxation and vegetation and peace.
How about you?
As the world turns, they years pass and as the years pass, the memories pile up. Sometimes on top of each other, sometimes along side. How many different ways can one live a day. Celebrate a birthday, an anniversary, and holiday? Most of my celebrations have ben alone in this life. When no one truly understand you at your core, there is always something missing from the shared celebration. That part of you deep down waiting for the moment it can be known and celebrated.
Afternoon naps can sometimes bring out the depths. It's a wonderful feeling of permanent euphoria and security speared by the deepest loneliness. A spear of emptiness. An empty space, a vacuum. If I am not careful, it can suck all the life out of me, into me, buried like a black hole. Black holes can be scary. Clarity of this knowledge is a good thing.
So how did you spend your day?
Very different from impulse shopping, even though they are in the same category if we were to categorize behavior (now why would anybody want to go do something like that asked the guy with almost a hundred university credits in psychology? lol lam lap), but still impulse spending and in this case, combined with impulse eating. I have some sausages and red cabbage for meals for the weekend now. And the day off for celebrating anything I want to do continues.
After a delicious lunch at the local German restaurant where Atheillo and I caught up a bit and he showed me the driver/vehicle tracking software he was telling me about, I stopped at the local German foods store and impulsively bought sausages and bologna and red cabbage and then stopped at the small local supermarket for bread and milk and chocolate syrup and cookies and I suppose I am going to impulsively party with food for a while today, though I didn't plan to and have no plans o do more impulse sopping or eating later.
That is, I guess it is not completely a completely me free day because I forgot I have lunch plans and thank goodness the guy I made plans with called to wake me an hour before the time we were to meet for lunch. So I woke and showered the luke-warm shower that is the best I get in this place and then headed to the local German restaurant for lunch. Yummy. The guy contacted me a few times in the past year in my work capacity about safety issues and I've known him more than ten years because he is the organizer of the largest free-thought meetup group in the area. He wants to show me a driver monitoring software (he's that kind of good concerned citizen) and catch up a bit on life.
So off to downtown I go.
A little late if I was going to work, but the waking happened anyway. A text from Helen probably did it. A text from Jackson earlier didn't. Nice to see the attention cuz being remembered is a good feeling. The CBS website switch over to yet another show I don't want to watch while I was sleeping so I am turning it off now. In fact, after a quick trip to the bathroom, I am going back to bed. Sleep, sweet sleep, it is my day to rest.
Nappy Birthday :)
Narf lol :)
Watching some CBS shows for the first time in over a month because the website does not work right and they apparently haven't gotten it fixed even now. It takes longer to find shows I have not watched, which makes the site more avoidable and less enjoyable. I'll only watch when I have time to waste searching for the shows already marked as shows I like. They keep putting "next" shows I don't watch in front of me which is even more annoying.
Really bad web design, CBS.
Meanwhile, while the shows were on I did this and it is the epitome of nonsense containing links to profoundly random (or randomly profound) links. In this case I did not reach the level of serious irreverence that would be called a masterpiece, so lets call it minor pieces. Maybe you remember when daily blogs go rogue. I don't think the current one is doing that, but sometimes explosive mental diarrhea just seeps out. Shhhh, have fun with it or ignore it.
Now, much needed sleep.
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Well, there will be the usual plans, dinner Saturday night, possibly followed by social activities, and softball Sunday and Monday, and laundry and some other basic life stuff, naturally... but mostly mine. I should be excited, but after pasta and chicken and chocolate, I fell asleep. I fought through it to watch some TV, Big Bang and Young Sheldon and naturally, I relate. I was going to relate to stored entries, but I am not bouncing as much as I did when I left work so maybe a little sleep before I reminisce about the writings of yesteryear. Or six months ago, even.
Four days away from the desk, the work, the whatever.
It should be much better later lol lam :)
Clean the room. Find the Lex letters and respond. Walk more. Walk a lot more. Find a doctor to get more BP meds without spending a fortune. Get the dosage right this time. Clean the car. Find a friend. Find a partner. Wash clothes. Find a roommate. Find a house. Take a shower. Lose some weight. Get more sleep. Cure the rashes. See a dermatologist. Remember April Birthdays. Avoid the news. Stay positive. Stay hopeful. Get the lab test done. Find the lab paperwork. Eat more economically. Have doctor check bruise on leg. Call the judge about her car tomorrow (Nudge boss to follow up). Have fun.
Share more... hello?
Wednesday, April 4, 2018
Yesterday was 14 hours so this is a lighter load. A lot of ideas and paper preparation (yes, last minute, but I still think most were impressed... there's always hope). A lot of work done, another day done, sleep would be sweet, but craving for sharing keeps waking me up. So I ate dinner, nodded in the chair, and then Eb needed to borrow my keyboard to confirm his computer died somehow and that woke me and I snacked on pretzels and chocolate milk and am thinking of drinking a root beer cuz the sugar jones is strong tonight and yes, sleep would be wise, but sharing calls...
are you out there?
Another long one. The big meeting is today. Every month I gather people from most of the programs in the county and my mission is to get them to buy into the idea that we can, together, make life better, safer, and healthier for all county employees. The cynicism and reality of tight budgets stand in the way of buy in, but I must push through that and win the group over. So far I think I have about half of them, but there are a few hard core cynics questioning everything. So I must get my act together (and I've not done enough this month so I must do a lot of dancing today).
What are you doing today?
I'll just keep asking.