Saturday, June 30, 2018

Written Tomorrow

Posted yesterday. Backdated here in order to provide June with one more entry, as if there is a meaning in more entries in a given month, or perhaps it is more to give more front time to the current entry, which will only be current momentarily, but still seems to deserve (or warrant) ore time in the spotlight. In any case, what I came here to say moments after the next entry was written comes from a reflection on the purpose and current use of this blog, which turn out to be, upon further consideration, two different things. This blog was meant to provide a place for brief daily updates on current events in this life I loosely call mine. Deeper introspection, philosophical banter, and any other assorted babbling was meant to be sent to the other daily blog, however in recent weeks, or longer even, the other blog where the babbler is supposed to go has been relatively silent so the babbler, as so often is the case, slips babble into wherever I m and this seems to be where I am almost exclusively most days.

Just for the record, and for those who find the babbling annoying or reason to turn away, the intent to bring the brevity and succinct story of a life remains and hopefully I will return to that soon, if not for you, dear reader, than at least for the sake and sanity of the babbler. I appreciate any understanding you can offer.

Narf :)

Friday, June 29, 2018

Nothing Happening

The softball fields have been rained out all week. I check email and there's nothing there at any address. I check my work phone and there is a text from Helen, but it's past her bedtime so I hope I remember it's there tomorrow. The phone won't tell me since I already opened the text. I don't associate the work phone with communicating with friends and typically I don't even think about it, no less look at it over the weekend. Unless it rings. It's work, after all. I am listening to and glancing up at Hamilton's Pharmacopeia and wondering where I can get some of the drugs the show explores. I have been wandering along in my mind on what Hamilton describes as dissociative trips for any years, long before I actually explored dissociative anesthetics or hallucinogens, for that matter. I don't experience the psychedelics much anymore, nature is amazing without the kaleidoscopic distortions, even though they can be fun. I'm not sure about deliriants, but dissociative journeys are the most natural experience I know. I don't know why it is so often called a disorder. People are so ignorant, alas, defined.

There's always food, now that drug should be illegal lol.

Narf :)

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Another Day Done

After a morning for this body, the day moved along rather quickly. Less than an hour at the office and then, off to a birthday lunch at Chianti's. A pizza for me with onions, mushrooms, eggplant, pepperoni, and extra cheese. Shutup. That's twice in one week for Chianti's and more dining out than I've done in several weeks as I've avoided it and Helen was away and sick. Back to the office for a meeting that lasted until almost 3:30 and then, some emails and other work. I left about 6pm and headed back here and after not being hungry, somehow found myself eating two white castle cheeseburgers and a burger mac and cheese with extra velvetta slices and two chocolate protein shakes. So much for a reduced calorie day.

Now, sitting here I watched Reverie and am now semi-nodding, typing and listening to Hamilton's Pharmacopeia. I still feel hungry for something. Emotional or some deficiency or both. I say both. So what, there's nothing balanced about living here lol :}

Narf too. :)

Recap, Repeat, Regurgitate, Rejection

For several weeks I've been doing little more than complaining and whining and feeling very sorry for myself. Let's see what I can do about changing that in my head as I recap the last and next few days. I've been reducing food volume and calories about every other day for a week or two with increasing discipline and that may be helping. The digestive system has less bubbling, gas, and bloat when I do this. I was 207 at the doctor's office this week, which is down from the 220+ I reached a few weeks ago. I wonder sometimes how accurate all the different scales are. The most recent lab work was not good, so I have just three weeks to get it better or the primary will be pushing pills on me and I won't accept and we shall see how she reacts to that. I will try to get an appointment with her Monday morning about the leg that is still not healing. The GI doctor's assistant got back to me Friday afternoon and apologized for not calling me back on Thursday and told me they sent the orders to the lab. Unfortunately, that means the tests will wait until Tuesday as I will first pick up the stuff Monday, which mean I may not get results back until next week so I'll likely be going to Nashville and play softball all day in the heat with the C.Diff. Possibly no bathrooms, which will definitely be not good, but then, I could have called a day or few earlier too. At least she admitted she forgot to call me back and apologized. Doesn't make the timing any better. I've got to do something to get out of here and into a cleaner environment where I can take care of myself better than I can do here.

So how are you?

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Easy Distractions

Food, of course. TV, like a trained puppy. Youtube, music, falling in love with mediocrity oh, what loneliness can lead one to do. Yes, some of my "Like" come straight out of a lonely desperation. We can laugh about it someday. Been saying that a long time. Sigh and alas and all that bluesy jazz. The new lap desk is like moving from a broken down motel 6 to the four seasons (the waldorf is too old). The old lapdesk is still loved for sentimental reasons (Jackson gave it to me), but it is bare bones and worn out pretty bad now. The new keyboard is so comfortably convenient. Still no phone.

Disconnected is getting scary comfortable.

Narf :}

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

New Stuff

Even as the cautionary statement about not spending money echos through the air, I am exploring new stuff. A new ball-mouse replaces the old one that was getting wonky. A new wireless keyboard makes life easier. A new foam lap desk provides comfort and luxury, but that was not a new purchase, I just went to the storage place and brought a few boxes of stuff back here. Two boxes will be explored in more depth as time permits. What phone? Oh, no, I still did not replace the broken phone. Very weird disconnect, being without a phone.

Narf :)

Jackson, Pizza, & NCIS

Just like old times, for the first time in years, Jackson had me over for dinner (pizza) and to catch up on the last three episodes of NCIS (which she did not want to watch by herself cuz of [spoilers] and so on). I left work early to get to her place before her to let the kids out (they have two dogs and three cats, in case you forgot). We watched the show and cried like we used to and enjoyed pizza and she shared some emotional stuff and mostly just spent some relaxing time together. Brandi was away for work and said hi via face time. They got new couches, comfy and high tech. I didn't bring up any concerns, not easy, and we didn't discuss any of my medical or other challenges, who cares... baby steps back toward being friends, perhaps. It was wonderful to see her almost relaxed again.

Narf :)

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Passing Time

Or is time passing us? Do you ever wonder why I am still here, not to mention still wide awake (mostly)? I sometimes do and oh, how I wish someone would. Someday, someone may actually remember that there's always hope. We can wallow in the past, suffer the same mistakes and trauma again and again, learning nothing and stuck in a loop of wasted time, apathy, and even self-abuse. We can also realize that memory is just one experience we can choose in any moment and there are an infinite number of experiences we can create. Some may want one short story on their shelf of memories, but there is room for books, libraries, a lifetime of new and wonderful experiences. I wish for you, and for me, the courage and strength to accept the end of some stories and the creation of new stories so time is not passing us, rather we are passing time creating a library of stories and shared experiences.

Narf :)

Friday, June 22, 2018

Force It

Sometimes all I can do is force it. Push through the blah and sing the song of the emptiness, the nothingness, the loneliness. When everything feels a mess in distress I must confess I want. I want so much. Sometimes I get a sliver of what I want. Belief in someone justified. Patience rewarded. Some nights I get nothing, the moment of nothing. Those are challenging. All I can do is force it, push the words out, for with them comes hope. Even if it is weak and meaningless and irrational, hope exists. I just need to force it sometimes. And remember.

In case it matters.

Narf :)

Closer to Desperation

And I don't mean the town in the Stephen King novel. Yeah, I know, it's an up and down spirit thing, hope rises, hope wanes, motivation comes and goes, the whole world in has hands, and so on. Last night was good, but then I said that. Tonight is mediocre at best. I have not decided on a phone. I wonder how many calls or messages have come in this week. Certainly a challenging test on some levels. I've just got to keep remembering. Time is passing, I feel so disconnected,and still everything goes along as if nothing is wrong.

Maybe nothing is wrong.

Narf :)

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Some Nights Have All The Blah

Yesterday the will power was strong. I went to the gym. I went to sleep early. Today started with yet another messed up medical appointment. The new primary may be good on many levels, but not for my wallet. So I didn't have the test, again. Today, I was weak, tired, even woozy when I got back to work. I ate lunch and then, desk work until almost 7pm. Dinner wasn't light and the bloat returns. I ate pasta and bread and mayo and cheese and chicken for dinner. Too much, but the old ways returned once again. Then, nothing. No inspiration, no nothing. I checked email and just a few words from Harpo. The phone is still out of service. Maybe the loneliness did it. So much blah. Must not repeat this. Must repeat yesterday. Gym. Light eating. Low calorie. Smart. Feel good. Must remember to care. Yeah.

Who cares.

Narf :}

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Immense & Intense

Immense, I say. Intense too. The weight of the world, that's immense and intense. Changes can be immense and intense too. Love can be, especially when it comes close and it shared unconditionally. Unconditional hasn't been close to me for a long time, but it is still both immense and intense inside of me. Jackson wrote tonight again. She is keeping in touch by email. I am not sure how much is for me and how much is for her, but it means a lot and I know it is both. She is insisting on paying for my new phone which is an intense and immense change. Finally. I never stopped believing. I waned, but hung on deep inside. Immense and intense feeling. Meanwhile, the lazy lingering malaise is immense and intense too. I got a teensy weensy glimpse of how much so after 30 minutes on the elliptical at 5.5 miles per hour. Pulse up to 126. Minimal panting, quick recovery (under 100 bpm in less than 2 minutes). Softball was rained out, so instead of feeling sorry for myself and indulging in food, I drove straight to the gym for the first time. Decent, but not completely functioning equipment, but free. Please do it again. I can accept the weight of the world when someone loves me. When I know I can love and be loved outside of my head. That is the most immense and intense of all.

But life, life is immense and intense too.

Narf :)

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Around Midnight

So I make myself a Velveeta and jalapeno and potted meat and mayo sandwich. Drink a chocolate protein drink. And on with The X-Files. Season 11, Episode 10, the most recent "Finale." Sometimes ridiculous, sometimes way too over-dramatic, definitely too hypocritical and inconsistent, sometimes just bad, but I watch. It is not enough distraction. The hunger continues. The sleepless nights continue. The loneliness continues. The hope wanes, but continues. Hope to share. Hope to care. Hope to live happily ever after with the one perfect partner.


Narf :)

So Sad

Still dreaming, but I am phoneless. It feels worse than homeless. I have my work phone, but it is a pain it the ass to text, it's a flip phone without internet or anything convenient. Worst feeling of all is the loss of all contacts. It's like a death. I will get a new phone one of these days. I don't want to decide which $800 phone I want to trust because I don't want to trust a phone ever again. Losing my calendar is scary. I have doctor's appointments and I don't even have their numbers, no less a schedule to remind me. I want to just walk away from the world, be disconnected, completely off the grid. Lonely, yes, but so much more independent and secure. But work obligations, so many connections broken. In case it matters.

It is much later than it seems. If only I did have to work.


Monday, June 18, 2018

If You Remember Me

oh how I long to be remembered,
to be known,
to be loved,
to be shared...

if you remember me,
turn to the right to see,
more of my story

if you remember me
and all I used to be
in my history

you may know how much I love you
understand how much I want to
share all we can do

to make this world a paradise
come on now, wouldn't it be nice
to live together in peace
to let your heart release
all the love inside
and not have to hide
and not have to fear
being here

if you could only see
the love inside of me
you would understand
is all in the mind

if you could only feel
the love in you is real
you would understand
can be good and kind

if we would only share
how much we all can care
we would understand
all we can find

when we just open up
and let love fill our cup
and understand
we can
leave all fears behind

if you remember me,
turn to the right to see,
more of my story

if you remember me
and all I used to be
in my history

you may know how much I love you
understand how much I want to
share all we can do

to make this world a paradise
come on now, wouldn't it be nice
to live together in peace
to let your heart release
all the love inside
and not have to hide
and not have to fear
being here

to love and be loved
is why I'm here
to love and be loved
being here

to be known

From the beginning...

Saturday, June 16, 2018

Ten Years Later

Almost twelve now. Even before the beginning of recorded time there was celebration of life, of love, of being... of survival. We left a myriad of fears behind along the way, sort of. Actually, we've buried our fears beneath superficial ritual and materials. The illusion of safety and security that money buys is just that, an illusion, but telling those immersed in illusion that they are delusional is like talking to a tree. The tree understands more than the people do.

In any case, within our collective delusions are designated safe zones of social contract, here, the internet is one of the most recent refuges from the dangers of life on this planet and youtube, a sanctuary for many, has brought me much amusement and distraction of late (see previous entries). There, the celebrations continue via audio and visual links and we can imagine it as sharing. One more layer within the many layers of illusions of protection from the full force of the conscious awareness of the larger reality of life on Earth.

All that to say that you are welcome here in my sanctuary, these written gardens, now formed into mostly blogs. As you've seen lately, I've reminded myself of my use of youtube as an alternative to TV for illusionary company as I spend time alone. I've linked to of my favorites in prior entries and now we come one of my favorite alltime net people who start on youtube when she was about 18 or 19 years old and is one of the most popular people in the youtube universe. She is well documented in Wikipedia by any number of her devoted fans and for me, her sense of humor (and she can be really brilliantly insightful) and is seen as some sort of reference, if not expert, on this thing called content. She deserves all the praise she gets.

I should have known this would lead to her and all this talk about making friends through the internet... hello? Is it really happening? Does an audience really ease the ache of loneliness? I wouldn't know. I may be the most prolific unknown person on the internet (where's Guinness?). Sardonic, sarcastic, self-deprecating, whatever you call it, I'm amused once again.

Anyway, thanks for the memories.

Narf :)

Sharing Without Sharing

I remember a time when I did not have youtube people to give me a sense of sharing without sharing, I mean, actual interactive sharing. Listening to someone ramble on free-form, responding to chat or comments, just being who they are (as much as one can on camera), has replaced actual physical space interactive sharing for so many. Life is not a spectator sport though. Life is not live streaming. I am concerned about the mental health of the generations growing up thinking that watching youtubers is socializing. Thinking about it though, it is a virtual reality extension of the soap opera and TV show addictions previous generations used to pass time, fend off loneliness, and pretend they were not as alone as they actually are. Sure, you say, but where are all the links?

Ok, so I may downplay the value of millions of subscribers on youtube or anywhere becaise I've got none, but life's not fair. I guess you know you've made it on the internet when you become a reddit star. Still, I can't narrow down a favorite to just one.

Obviously, I've been slacking.

Narf :)

What's In Your Head?

Yeah, so Just Pretend It's Rolling Stone might be the alternate title for the evening of blogging as I listen to some millennial zombies kicking some retro-pop-rock and though they need work, but they've got something. Still, the eyes have it, still, when it comes to covers for now. Last entry, Emma got me thinking about being numb (and not so comfortably, in spite of the pink), but Janet just seems to let her little kid have so much more fun, while Emma stresses a lot and reminds me of Avril's angst (the world sucks, but we can still ignore that and enjoy all the moments of life and ourselves too, ya know?). Sometimes I think Emma forgets herself a lot (but her fans don't). Anyway, so much of me in both. Remember Barbra Streisand before she became a bitch? (hearty Brooklyn laugh at that one, right BS?). I'm not sure just what is in my head tonight, but as we see, the youtube random music is passing through.

Patience is Thin Tonight

Wishing doesn't make it heppen, dreaming doesn't make it real, only touching someone else can let you know how love can feel and I don't mean sex, though sex is grand, I mean the touch of love and being one in someone else's hand. This has nothing to do with stumbling upon Emma's Rise and Fall (calendar irony?) and yet, the theme (loneliness) cuts to the core (quick) and the realness of her insecurity and apparently vulnerability does suggest that she is someone I could love and perhaps even tolerate (who's laughing?), if nothing else, she rambles so well and knows lonely longing to be known and loved on levels only few of us really can express because it is way deeper than words can go. Agenda doesn't, melodically it is too similar to past songs by her and others - Dirt too... self-conscious, insecure, were's the confidence? Like she's trying to please an audience instead of writing from her heart as she seemed to be doing when she started. Seems to be a pink period, whatever that means. Disappointing, but I will continue to watch for I sense so much more inside her. After all, I am out here as if it matters even when it doesn't, even if nobody ever knows or cares.

I did say patience is thin tonight. I miss the gap. Maybe that's it.

Still love something about her.

Like her inside.

Narf :)

Friday, June 15, 2018

Alone With TV

Strange Angel has a very slow beginning, a insensitive unaware lying grifter lead character who can't satisfy his partner and smokes too much, nothing appealing in the first ten minutes, in fact, I am forcing myself to watch further. At the twenty minute mark I turned away. I looked up the main character and it is apparently based on a real person I would not want to know. Good call, initial instinct, the show is gone. Ignorant times, ignorant people, much like today.

Did I just get too cynical for you?

Narf :)

Spacing Out (or In)

Sleeping a lot, writing a little, working a lot, playing a little, getting better, getting worse, at least I'm not in a hearse. La la la. Lonely clown, smiling frown, up and down, out of town. Carb craving, not life-saving, work slaving, froynlaven. Did I mention lonely?

Narf :)

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Why Don't You Notice Me?

Maybe it is because this entry was not here at the time and I was elsewhere as well, but the question is formed in the bigger picture, on the internet and beyond, I've learned to be invisible, a cellophane man, innocuous, benign, without reason or value to the public consciousness. Or so it seems. Could be I'm Elvis and found a wonderful way to live the rest of this live incognito, out of the spotlight, quiet and alone. After all, anyone who gets too close might see through the disguise.

Still, here I am. Words pouring out on the the public internet in hundreds of blogs and pages on Facebook and other cyber pages that are searchable on Google and any other search engine and therein lies the question, why doesn't anybody notice me?

I a here, I am here, I am here!


lol, narf too :)

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Is Anybody Out There?

I wonder that a lot, but even more, I wonder is anybody in there? when I look right at people. Human beings seems to learn to hide themselves away behind masks and many hide from themselves. Or online, hiding online while pretending to be open and honest is a popular trend these days. It's like a whole world of people are just learning to read and write and communicate through written words and it is puzzling to those of us not hidden away and not unaccustomed to written communication to see the range of emotions people try to portray. Maybe. I've got to wonder if they actually feel the words they write, from the love to the awkwardness, rudeness, and downright hostility, they seem to forget they are strangers and assume they know who they are talking to. Some are apparently manipulated by what they read online (the truth is out there, just not everywhere. Shcking, not.

There's a Wiki for that too.

Hello?... hello... hello...

Narf :)

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Night Writing

The last couple of nights, or at least two of the lat several nights, I used voice to text to write something. Last night four separate emails, separated when the muses said press send, with paragraphs (or more precisely verses, in case it matters... and the excitement continues to build) started manually at the whim of the clouds in my coffee, or something like that. Some of it might have even approached the self-centered (or at least self-focused) free-association required for clarity, but let's not expect miracles overnight (get it?). Anyway, links will surely follow eventually.

Good morning starshine :)

Narf :)

Here and There

Wherever they are. Could they be the same place at different times, the same thought in different minds, or different thoughts in the same mind, or the obvious, different places at any time. Not the latter as much as it may seem or be accepted to be, at least not according to me and my shadow or experience and it all might be bullsugar as I once played, but new songs have come and gone and sometimes it seems that all we can do is count one, two, three, four, five, six, seven and sing all good children go to heaven because delusion is better than confusion and if you disagree, please say so so we can finally begin.

And everywhere. :)

Narf :)

Monday, June 11, 2018

Pushing Limits Again

The body is tired, the kidneys are tired, the renal system is tired, the spirit is tired, but flying high even on fumes as the gas tank is empty... 13-12 in the bottom of the seventh after being down 10-0 in the second and 12-10 going into the bottom of the seventh. They hit me well in the first and several big errors in the first and second almost put us down but we battled back with a few runs each inning and I found a way to shut down their bats the defense picked up and we are not 5-1. They are 5-3. We play them one more time and three other teams. We just need to win two out of four to guarantee first cleanly. We just need to win two out of four to win as we hold the tie breaker. This may be my the first championship T-Shirt I've gotten in two years. The Dallas tournament didn't give T-Shirts, the cheapskates.

So how was your day?

Narf :)

Leaping Ahead Again

For whatever reason, and we'll get into the obvious ones as we catch up in previous entries later this week, the past few plus days were afk. I was house and pet sitting (mostly pet-sitting) for Brandy and Jackson since Thursday. Two dogs, three cats, constant attention seeking and neediness and TV. Every time I sat down with the laptop another distraction popped up and nothing cohesive flowed. So much catch up ahead.

Mostly good.

Narf :)

Friday, June 8, 2018

Chocolate Milking It

Writing in other blogs when I wrote in blogs this week, I spend much of the week vegetating due to a serious renal infection (as has been detailed in previous blogs) and unfocused. The past few days not sleeping, too much work to do for work to get the rest the body needs. A half dozen other blogs, at least, await your exploration in case it matters to you, in case you have the time, in case you are interested, in case you care to find them. Hopefully clarity will return tomorrow after sleep and the animals (you'll get the explanation in previous entries after I get some sleep, I hope) will allow some focus on writing.

Did I mention I'm drinking chocolate milk?

Narf :)

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Pondering Weak and Weary

Up and down nights continue. Since I am here and seem to be pouring details into this blog and forgetting I have a blog for that, I hit poorly, but pitched well even though the other teams were much better than our team thrown together at the last minute that I was moved to. The infection, fever, fatigue all affected my hitting but more than that, the disarray (no line up or positions until we took the field, several people way out of position, and what affected me hitting was changing the lineup so I was suddenly told I was hitting so I couldn't do what I do in the on-deck circle, prepare... or even grab my sunglasses).

Meanwhile, playing is better than not playing.

Narf :)

Wednesday, June 6, 2018

And Once Again, The Short End

I was all set to play on the league organizer's team which was balanced like teams are supposed to be in this summer league, but when I get there I am informed that a team dropped out suddenly yesterday and the organizer had to throw together a team in two hours. The results, alas, are as expected. The only good thing is the other organizer's team has two pitchers and I probably would not have pitched all the time. The new team has me and I was moved to it because I can pitch well the other two didn't want to (I wasn't asked). The other three teams were told to "take it easy" so no one gets hurt. What that means is we will lose every game, but it will take longer than it should because the other teams are choosing to let the game go on longer than it should by not playing as well as they can. 8-7 in the first game, bottom of the 7th inning. Almost cruel, but at least we played 7 innings. Unfortunately, they placed me last in the 12 player batting order so I batted just twice in seven innings. Second game, the team was dangerous. Our third baseman asked to be switched out because they hit the ball so hard. They stalled and run ruled us in 5 innings, it could have bee over in the first inning and either way, no fun. But...


Narf :)

Don't Be Mad

For those of you concerned about me dying, please understand, illness and dysfunctional body parts are part of life and I definitely have wonky kidneys, among other imperfect pars, and I suffer some medical incidents that do require stat medical testing that only seems available at the Emergency Rooms in our medical industrial assembly line system of "care" today. And.. I really do feel like shit with a raging renal infection, fever, and assorted other symptoms (blurry everything). But...


Narf :)

Sort-Of Work, Sort-Of Sleep

Yes, so the Nephrologist as usual, calm, patient, and ready for questions with clear explanations. He reassured me the BP meds are not affecting the kidneys (non-specialists do not have his expertise, so I rely on his judgment on this). Apparently, for no apparent reason, in case it matters, I will live. All day I worked on some work stuff. Napped a couple of hours (which will make sleep less simple tonight in spite of a double header. Shhhh. I did not get all of the work done that I wanted to get done because IS techs could not get me connected to the system after speaking with two of them. They promised to come to my office tomorrow. We hope.

Life goes on.

Narf :)

For Better or Worse

Most of the time we do not get ideal situations or circumstances. Most decisions are made based on the best available information and resources. This is why I stay with the Nephro, for better or worse. His bedside manner, knowledge, reasonable answers, and consistency make him an excellent doctor. This is also why it is challenging to get into see him the same day when I call about 11:00 AM. The fact that I got an 8:30 appointment on the very next day is a great plus. The fact that he was a half hour late because he was delayed making his rounds at the hospital, well, see why he is an excellent doctor. He was talking with patients and doesn't get into the office before 9:00 AM unless he is seeing an unscheduled emergency appointment (pointing at me). The discussed was, as usual, clear, concise, informative, and most important, two-ways.

Oh, and he said I will live.

Narf :)

Heading to Nephro

Anther night of staggered sleep thanks to the renal infection waking me to urinate every hours or so. As much as I wished for sleep, it is much better than renal failure and a hospital stay... or worse. I mean, I don't even have a nice a plot picked out or anyone lined up to take care of the stuff that must be done after I die, so out of courtesy to everyone who cares and the scavengers, I stay alive.

I'm heading to the Nephrologist now.

Narf :)

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

ER People

ER people can be so diverse. Some have patient care skills, some don't. Some have human compassion, some don't. In all my years in the medical profession, from working ER as a direct care aide to paramedic to quality assurance, risk management, and administration, what amazes me most is how management allows care-giver burnout with no remedy or consequences. Especially since what a patient remembers most is the unfriendly care provided by the staff who is burnt-out even if a dozen other staff are wonderful. Being treated poorly when one is that vulnerable has a way of cutting deep. And the IV was put in poorly, so if I moved it stopped and the bathroom was needed at least five times, so they almost had to put in a new IV. They got away with re-taping it (ouch) twice. It would have had to be changed if I was admitted.

Anyway, one really good ER doctor and nurse took blood (which was my primary request, creatine level please) and an IV was started (which was my second primary request... it is a shame that to get these two simple medical tests and procedures, one must pay through the nose and deal with an ER in our modern medical assembly-line industry). The results finally came back, the doctor was concerned, but did not ask me to sign a refusal (AMA) form when I said I did not want to be admitted. I knew admission would be a few day event, even though he said just overnight, and I knew I did not need that much hospitalization or expense.

So I headed out relieved that the creatine was good, the urine started flowing again, and the Dx was a really bad infection somewhere in my renal system It is challenging to say without a CT scan or MRI and nobody was offering that, luckily, since I probably would have said yes in spite of it being pretty moot and again, way too expensive.

Ipicked up the medication and headed to bed. Mostly.

Narf :)

Timing is Everything

After many years of not having a primary for many reasons, I lucked out and finally found one I think I can respect. Why it's been so long cn be a story for another time, but after the Nephro and his people would not see me (and why I will stay with that Nephro will wait for another time as well), I called my new Primary Physician. It almost feels good to read that I have Primary Physician. Now if I only had an emergency contact, family, a best friend, a partner in life, and among others, a billion dollars... but we can laugh another time). Primary took a urine sample and all my vitals. Called the hospital and next stop, ER.

It just keeps getting better... and more expensive.

Narf, sigh, sigh again.

No Nephro, Primary

Well, the Nephrologist had me come into the office and the many care-takers (cuz calling them care-givers would be too generous) were less than friendly. I think they are used to treating stupid old people who need rudeness to get them on their way. Anyway, they took me into a bathroom for a urine sample them put my cold clammy woozy (not so bad I couldn't drive safer than most) self back in the waiting room. They then talked to me about my medical condition and did their little rudeness play in out there in the waiting room and it was not empty. I was not in a good place to mention the HIPAA violation, but they were not treating me medically or holistically well at all (they wanted to give me an antibiotic without seeing the doctor, without considering other medical issues, and without a culture to know whether the antibiotic would be right for the the particular bug that was bugging me. At east I found out there was a raging infection in my renal system, so I made the right call going to the Nephro, just wish he would have seen me.

This is turning out to be a fun day...

Narf, not.

911 For Me

Yes, the four people I was with decided I needed 911 called. I may have lost consciousness, but I was sitting in a hard chair without sides and did not fall over, so I though I fell asleep. I was sweaty, clammy, and very woozy. Anything for attention, huh? The paramedic hooked me up to an EKG, painful upon remove (8-10 leads, I found one I missed after showering the next morning) and all was normal. BP was 90/58 though. Pulse 88, way higher than usual. Respiration 8-9, low. Temp 100.1. Blood Sugar was 196. I thought of kidneys. They wanted to transport me to the hospital, not my hospital. I refused and called my Nephrologist instead.

Wonder how this day will turn out...

Narf lol aigh :)

Monday, June 4, 2018

Trying to Sleep

Yes, so ok, the body is definitely not feeling well and the bladder is waking me hourly so far. I laid down to sleep at 9:00 PM. The game text group woke e once, but the bladder needed emptying both times. This is better than kidney failure due to dehydration like last June, but it is definitely an upset body I live in tonight. Hopefully I will get enough sleep to be effective in the two very important meetings I have with directors and assistant fire chiefs tomorrow. Living into a seventh decade has it's challenges.

How's your life?

Narf :)

Good Exhausted

Exasperated too. Yesterday, five apples and a can of healthy choice chicken and rice soup. Today, two 30gm protein drinks, 160 each. then I dehydrated because I did not have any water during the day (I don't need much in the chilled office) because I was going to leave at 1:30 to get lunch and water and and meet a citizen and visit some parks before softball. Instead, I was surprised by an accident I had to rush out to at 1:30 and then had to rush to meet the citizen and then I had to rush to the bank and the bank gave me a bottle of water and then I drive the work car back to the parking lot because I rushed out and didn't exchange cars as planned and then my car wouldn't start and I really needed the bathroom and water so I drove back here and took care of this body needs including a quick shower to clean and cool down and put the medication on and drank a gatorade and packed a cooler and drank more water and then went back to to the work car and used to to jump start my car and then drove to the softball fields drinking more water as I went and then I drank the two protein drinks and then we won the game 12-2 and I took off the footwear and watched a little softball and then headed back here where my digestive system semi-exploded again and happily the kidneys are functioning, though I wish I had a way of testing kidney function at home but I don't then I cleaned up the body and showered again and put the medication on again and drank more water and here we are doing what I wish I did more often, putting all the details in the daily blog about life (but these belong elsewhere, ya know?), and celebrating being good exhausted.

Narf :)

Sunday, June 3, 2018

Carrot Fungus

So I decided to really step up my healthy eating and on the way home from the party at The Commodore's last night I stopped at Walmart for fruit and salad, hoping I can find a safe way to store some here. I even opened a new container to use and was all set to sit here munching on carrots after eating an apple. Unfortunately, this is what I found when I opened the package and poured the carrots into the brand new container. They were all slimy.

Walmart Supercenter, Sanford, FL he one on Reinhart Rd.

Strangely, I bought a few bags of iceberg lettuce and the bags felt oddly different, so I weighed them and one weight 18 ounces. Another weight 10 ounces. Another weighed 11 ounces. A few more were all between 9 and 12 ounces. They were all sold as 12 ounce bags.

I am considering throwing out everything I bought from their "fresh" produce department.

So much for a renewed focus on healthy eating.

I'll shop elsewhere for a while.


Somebody Said #132

I'll leave it for you to try to find the first 131, but somebody said the song that was #1 on your 14th birthday shaped the rest of your life. So interestingly, I checked the UK and US charts and found I have two different songs. Bridge Over Troubled Water (yes, you can call me old, if you do not understand what old means lol) and Let It Be.

Now seriously consider embodying and actualizing both songs.


Saturday, June 2, 2018


So I have plans this afternoon, lunch with Helen and others and then, a game party at The Commodore's place. I haven't been there in ages, so I want to go early and spend the evening there. Thing is, I forgot about it until I was heading out to lunch and I was skipping a shower on the way to lunch, figuring I could shower, relax, and write all day when I returned because the writing bug is itching my synapses today and I need to work on the shower because it's severely clogged and I have laundry to do an... but the party. So will I head to the party without showering or return to shower here in spite of the severe clog or just have fun with what we've got?

Are your days as fascinating as mine?

Narf lol lam :)

Tinman at Macho Pikachu

Sowhat if this daily blog nobody will ever read in it's entirety (no less the written gardens, aye?) is not always al about me? It is a relection of stuff in my head, so Tinman is in Peru for some reason, so I did a little checking and discovered we may all be a little ancient Peruvian (or is that we should all have a little ancient Peruvian?) around within to keep us in touch with the planet (cuz it's not nice to fool mother nature, or something like that). Yes, so there he is halfway around the world, toward the bottom, and here I am vegetating in this little room. I'm going to lunch with Helen and others in a few. Catch up later. Hope he has fun :)