Don't Know Much About History

Only what I read in books and who knows what the authors had in mind when they wrote what they were taught by who knows who. You really think everything that happened really happened? Does it really repeat itself over and over like mice on a wheel? Will we survive the next cycle of war and famine? Is the next mass extinction just around the corner?

Life goes on, with us or without us... today was another good day.

Hope yours was too. Maybe you'll let me know sometime.

Madness Happens

In the middle of the night... I go walking in my sleep... and when I stumble upon a mind like this, I know I am home. There is home for me yet. Not much for this world, but for yet. Naturally I will be drinking caffeine so my head does not hit the desk in the morning, but for now, let's dance. I will not go quietly into the night and if you call, I will answer, if you care, I will thank ya, if you sing, I will listen, if you listen, I will babble on for a few hours at least.

The calendar is a waste of time.

Roller Coaster

We are all bipolar, that is, we all have highs and lows, ups and downs, moods swings. Most of us maintain some sense of balance, mostly through ignorance and avoidance and denial and delusion and whatever it takes to not notice the sensory inut driving the rollwe coaster. I could have just fallen asleep as I was sleeping in the chair but nooo, fifteen fish sticks, a mini-pizza, and a cheese-fat loaded mac and cheese bowl later and here we are. Stupid. Stupid CSB offers a newFBI show and I'm stupid enough to start watching. Stupid humans. Stupid politics. Stupid religion. Stupid terrorists. Stupid fear-mongering mind games all of them play. Where is the mind that I am looking for?

lol, what a mind :)

Narf :)

Mega-Madness

Yes, still begging. So read this and let me know what you make of it (I'm dreaming you might) and the previous entries too (like this and while we're at it, everything here (you may say I'm a dreamer), but at least this one (did I say that I'm a dreamer?). Then, I went back into the kitchen and prepared two pizzas. I smelled chocolate, but who know there were brownies in the oven. I mean, who makes brownies at 10:30 PM on a week night? Fat people, that's who. Excuse me while I wait in line to cook my pizza.

Yes, laughter is fun. So I am still awake again. I was fast asleep in the chair at 9:00 PM. Again. Habit. I don't seem to want to sleep. Don't want to miss a thing. Maybe it was the Lottery (haven't we been here before?) and today was a desk day at word. Sitting too much. Combined with the diet, uncomfortable, but not the seriously painful poops that were so common much of this year. You had to know that.

When do they call the numbers for Powerball? $620 Million. I still will happily accept just a portion of the $4 Million Lotto lol. Ths is why I don't waste my money on tickets. I hope those are famous last words. Not of life, but of buying tickets. Especially if I win. lol. Six more minutes for the oven.

Narf :)

Indulging The Beast

Calories, taste buds, emotional eating, the works. Still on a minuscule scale compared with what I have done before (where's the whole large pizza and pound of M & Ms, 5,000 calorie meals, remember?), but still, way beyond what I've done here in many months. The mistake was going shopping hungry and lonely and on the edge of who cares. So I bought pizza. Mini-pizzas, and I've been good until today only eating one at a time every other day. Today I've had three and there's a fourth in the oven. I also bought mac n cheese. The instant in a cup kind, so again, portion control and lower calories, but... not when I add butter (vegetable spread) and ketchup and extra cheese (fat free slices) and... I had two today. I tossed a flounder filet into each for added protein. The body is craving. I am caving. I said it again. Caving.

What's worse is, as I've said somewhere else at least twice, I was asleep sitting in this chair at 8:00 PM and I rolled into bed and poof, sleep was gone. The phone rang just as I was nodding off. Work. The fire department hit a tree. They kept on rolling to the hospital and delivered the patient without a hitch, but they reported it to me as they are supposed to. Maybe that was it, but sleep was gone. I played Fishdom for a little while and the bladder needed emptying and I found Eb watching the first game of the World Series. That adrenaline surge made me hungrier. I resisted until Eb cooked bacon. I tried to go back to bed a few times, but finally popped more pizzas in the oven. Craving frozen pizzas, how low I've sunk. The one for lunch with the dozen shrimp was supposed to be my large meal for the day. But sleep did not come. Food did.

The hunger beast roared today and guess what I did? Caved.

Craving chocolate now.

Narf :)


PS... Read this too, I mean, if you remember I also said read this, hence the too on read this too. Wonderful, do it again. Please?

Yes Gym, More Food

Read this too, I mean, if you remember I also said read this, hence the too on read this too. Wonderful, do it again. Go ahead, I'll wait...

So I ate more than a thousand calories today. You can find the details in the food blog. Lunch and dinner and the protein shakes. Probably gained a couple of pounds. You can find details in the body blog. I forgot to set my alarm and woke up five minutes before the workday technically starts, almost a half hour after I usually leave here and pick up the car (I am usually early). I splashed, dressed, hopped in the car and picked up my work car before 8:00 AM. I didn't get to my desk until 4:30 PM as I spent the day wandering parks. I was unshaven, unwashed, and un-desk worthy. Driving around and inspecting parks and parking lots made much more sense. I stopped by the office to get some paperwork done that needed to be done today and then I went to the gym (body blog).

I'm sitting more than I have in the past few weeks. Hope. What are you doing?

Narf :)

No Gym, Less Sleep

Actually almost 2AM. I really wanted to go to the gym tonight but I was getting back from the softball fields about 10 PM and was hungry and did not want to eat around midnight and the frustration has me almost ready to do that anyway. Softball is not providing enough exercise. Must find time to get to the gym more often. now, sleepy nodding after 1:00 AM, I till need a shower and poop and even though I had a mini-pizza and protein shake when I got back here, I am still hungry. Craving carbs, proteins, fats, foods. Pooping will likely make me hungrier. Showering, who knows, probably wake me more. These are the challenges I ponder after midnight alone, in the dark, with much ado about nothing in my heart and madness consuming my mind. This one, read this one. For what it's worth. For no apparent reason. In case it matters.

So what's new in your world?

Narf :)

Pushing The Body

Read this That's right, read this and I'll say it again, read this and I'll say it again tomorrow and probably again after that. Now that you read that, this entry is here to record the fatigue felt after two softball games and minimal calories for the past few days. Weight is dropping, but I am approaching a weight that requires some closer monitoring to make sure muscle tissue s not damaged (since the heart is a muscle). You can read more in the body blog. I feel wonderful and I ate a semi-balanced balanced dinner (a mini-pizza and a bowl of shrimp, cauliflower rice, onions, and assorted spices... you can read about it in the food blog... so many blogs, so little time). I was almost woozy tired after softball, but still shopped and drove back just fine. Still feeling the loneliness of not sharing daily life with someone intimately on any level, but I chatted with Harpo and Eb briefly and I live with Eb, so I am not as alone as I will be if I move into a one bedroom by myself I am still considering sharing a two bedroom with a new roommate, but his income is scary low so I don't know if we will find a place he can afford and then I must consider what I would have to do if he can't pay. The decision will be made in the next few weeks, maybe sooner, since I would rather not pay for two places and I must give Eb a month's notice when I move out. The position of life partner remains open and very welcoming of someone who can share caring completely openly and honestly without delusions or fears. Not sure any humans can, but I strive to remain hopeful.

So how are you?

Narf :)

Primary Blog, This Is

No, not channeling Yoda. After all, he would have said primary blog, this is the. Maybe. Ok, nevermind that, I am skipping whole day as I've skipped whole weeks and even months (years?) in some other blogs. Now and then I fill in some gaps and if I ever retired I will likely fill in many more, however being a working stiff and having fun elsewhere (afk) when I am not working, there are gaps in the written chronology of recorded life in words here, there, and everywhere. Be that as it may be or not to be, this girl kept me company through the internet during my choose and babblings for the past couple of days. Yes, Janet Devlin has cast her Leprican-like spell on me and I've been seduced int submission. Higher mission too. I hope she passes trough her awkward stage soon and overcomes the dogma and repressive world she comes from soon because I sense an amazingly open and sensitive mind in that big head. Ok, it's mostly the hair, but she's getting the modicum of teasing because I love her product, personality, and sense her sense of humor might appreciate the serious mockery. Maybe even understand.

What I was saying before she so sardonically interrupted was that this is the current primary blog, in case you are just stumbling into it. There are hundreds of others (no kidding) in this little web world I call my written gardens (that's the back door, by the way, and then there are dozens of Facebook pages as well) and this can serve as some sort of umpteenth introduction if it continues and expands. See the detailed blog to find out if it did. Later. For the moment, I am off to play softball. 174.4 pounds this morning on the digital scale here, which is probably about 177.6 on the beam balance scale at the gym. See the food and body blogs for more. Scattered thoughts fill my head and it would be a great day for babbling, but noooooo, softball. I love softball, in case you wondered. Back later.

Make today spectacular! :)

Narf :)

Slept, Woke, Didn't Sleep

Laundry suddenly became a task that was done. Singing Lionel Richie's All Night Long, no doubt. No, not No Doubt, but then, music is moving through the brain as Youtube replaced TV tonight. Last night too. Surely an entry or few will come of it when I make the time to organize the gazillion thoughts and emotions swimming through me. Maybe I am playing too much Fishdom. In any case, I finished up with work early and nodded off when I got back here about 4 PM and had a something. Whatever I had (probably protein drink as I unexpectedly found determination t drop more weight over the past day or so and intend to continue hard core through this weekend... we shall see if these intentions are followed through on... or is that upon... awkward phrasings are a speciality of mine, in case you haven't noticed... anyway), I started laundry. Here we are hour later and laundry is done except for the sheets. As I said, music filled in all the rest. So how was your night?

Narf :)

Gone With the Will

Yes, you see, Christopher Walken might, but you, see? What? There could be nothing to see here, or you might have noticed, but continued on without me anyway. So I drank five more protein drinks, at least. And a slice of cheese. I chewed the cheese. Watching TV, The Aanimaniacs mostly. For hours, five, six, maybe seven hours. After exhausting the CBS shows. CBS online sucks, by the way. They keep forcing shows I do not want to watch on my screen and there's no way to turn off their auto-play of shows they choose. Loneliness has raged through the psyche tonight so completely that I didn't even notice it consumed me while I consumed the protein shakes.

Wish you were here.

Narf :)

Continue Without Me

The world does, and it will continue without you too. You do too. So do I, but my choice would be to continue with you. Whether many miles away or in the same space, I'd rather continue in touch with you. Touching you now and then cuz hugs matter to me. So in case it matters to you, I miss you. Meanwhile, life goes on and today I spent ten hours at my desk entering data and answering emails and doing research and revising procedures and assorted other desktop sundries. Lean liquid meal breaks and back here after 6 PM to watch some TV and have a very small dinner. Hopefully sleep will come soon and I drop a few pounds. This exciting life has been brought to you by me, doesn't get much more exciting than that.

You're welcome.

Narf :)

Again, Social Eating

A lunch for someone at work, again, and I caved in again. See the food blog for the gorey details. I am still not sitting at the computer much after work, which s why the blog posts are so few these days, but I am using the phone and voice-to-text to babble and one of these days I will make the time to either stand or sit at the computer here or perhaps even at work and a hundred entries will suddenly arrive in various places at various time-stamps all over the written gardens, mostly in the blog world. I was 184 fully clothed including shoes with keys, wallet, phones, and more in my hands yesterday. Terrible patient experience at the Nephrologist thanks to a horrible medical assistant who has no medical or patient care skills on any level. Medical record errors and more complaints will likely appear somewhere else. No results from the doctor as the medical assistant did not get the labs right, so I had to get stuck again, give more blood, and I'll get a call sometime instead of actual patient care. Almost a complete waste of $25 and two hours of my time. After the appointment I headed here instead of back to the office and I did some maintenance on this computer (because Microsoft once again used my computer without my permission and tried downloading new updates that created problems I had to try to fix) and nodded off, so I am rolling into bed. Nite nite.

Narf :)

Good Morning Blurry Eyes

I finally gave myself sleep, almost twelve hours, and while my eyes are blurry from night tears, I am listening to Janet Devlin (after two Phantom songs) that I lead myself to, in case it matters, and the selections, while not perfect, are appropriate and a good morning for me. Choosing to start y blog journey as I do, I occasionally start by actually reading my home page, or current "web portal", which dates back to the mid 90s (as a few online friends amusingly remind me from time to time) and that suits me, as I ventured into this world to share words at a time before graphics and CSS and web production was as refined and slick as it is today and I am still here almost completely for the words. I sat here for almost an hour reading, listening to music, and writing a bit (just a bit), and while I wish I had more time here (I could take the day off or go in late, but I do have work to do at work and have taken time away from work work this week. So on this note I laugh and leave here to drift out into the world out there.

No matter what, may you find joy and wonder too :)

Narf :)

Caved In

I have so many words in the phone, voice to text, but I don't feel like making time to edit so they remain in email. I also don't make time to sit at the computer here much, largely because I sit too much at work and the medical issues are aggravated by sitting too much. You'll have to reach around the blog world for more about the medical issues. There has been a lot of improvement, in case it matters. Today I went to softball and definitely confirmed the weakness in the upper body and core the weight loss. Must get to the gym more. Anyway, softball was frustrating as the team doesn't take coaching well from me or the coach. Same mistakes over and over and they flat out ignore coaching advice. Leaving the fields, hunger rose on every level. Loneliness hunger, frustration hunger, and physical hunger (300 calories in three protein drinks today to this point today). I decided to go to the gym and after stopping here to pick up my ID and seeing Eb still sitting in front of the TV playing his video game (that's all he does these days), I did 60 minutes on the elliptical at a 5.85 mph pace. Go back here and it's 86 degrees, air conditioner off, Eb in front of the TV in his underwear, and hunger screaming from all directions. I texted Jackson, she sent back a couple of words and liked my text. No help there. I called Harpo and asked him to talk me out of getting cheeseburgers, he told me to go to a fast food place. I caved in and opened two cans of spaghetti. Those cans have been sitting on the shelf since February. Ate it all with added fat free cheese, fake butter spread, a teaspoon of mayo, a tablespoon of onion sauce, garlic and other spices, and I even added some of Eb's pasta that he offered (first time I ever touched his food). So ch for a serious weight loss weekend, but the emotional hunger is very much squelched for tonight. So I came here to tell you about it and record this fact, I caved in. Don't do it again for a while. Feel free to help with that anytime.

Narf :)

Flat Tired

Seeping odd hours recently and tonight, I am glad I napped after work because the air mattress has sprung a leak and it will be flat by morning if I lay on it, so I am sitting in the chair. Just not what the doctor ordered. Sucks to be poor. So the best is over $100 and decent is $60 and then there are the air mattresses for under $30. I may go out before I go to work since I am definitely not sleeping as laid on this one for a few hours, blew it up twice tonight, and it's just not working for me. I am so tired my eyes are not focusing so work may be challenging, but then, why stress. Stress, worry, fretting, all that does not change anything except health. It's only money and $almost $350 was added to the card today for someone's electric bill so their pwer did not get turned off, so... it's only money.

What else is new?

Narf :)

Does It?

Matter, that is. I have a lot of words spoken into the phone and sent by email to myself that I will copy, paste, and edit (because talk-to-text absolutely destroys any semblance of meaning sometimes) and uploaded what will likely be dozens of entries (as if they were always here, if you've not kept in touch). Mostly, though, I am not sitting in the chair with the laptop after work these days and that seems to be just what the body ordered as improvement is definitely noted. The games mostly (Fishdom, Toonblast, occasionally Words With Friends, and others occupy the mind. Oddly, now that the Fall season has started, I've not been watching TV. It's stored on the stream when I want to see something.

Does anybody miss me?

Narf :)

It's Why I'm Here

And here again. Bleary blurry bonkers, but here. Literally, the screen is blurry. Playing games on the phone for a few hours or more with a foot away from the eyes will do that. Big meeting at work yesterday and tomorrow, still I am not sleeping. I was nodding off shortly after getting home and eating, but the games kept me away and then, the hunger to share. Talked to the phone for an hour or more and finally got up and ate some more (dangit, emotional eating is so unhealthy, but then, when it's just once in a while maybe it's healthier than alternatives) and here we are. Really miss sharing tonight. It's why I'm here.

Narf. :)