Strange Mix

Being me, from my perspective, can be quite the alienating experience. It's everyone else who's different, not me, right? lol lam, sigh. Anyway, substituting food is my self-destructive reaction to the self-destruction actions I see and feel all around me. Temporarily. Cuz it's not usually as out of control as it is in recent times, like this past year or so, more or less. Flashback to comments from more than a decade ago and I wonder, am I still there? But then, the madness pours out in all sorts of ways, and not ways, for that matters. Speaking of flashbacks, today was almost one. Whatever it means.

Long day into whatever, I slept until 2:30, at least, though waking every few hours to empty the bladder. A lazy afternoon, one wash done, then a shower and headed out for a birthday dinner. Stopped for fifteen minutes due to a traffic accident ahead, I called to confirm the location when it would not come up on the map app. I was told the place closed and the dinner was relocated about 40 minutes away. They posted the change on Facebook a little while ago. So I said happy birthday and headed elsewhere, since I wasn't going to show up 40 minutes late for dinner and either not eat or eat by myself, only to drive another 50 minutes back home.

I headed to best buy to finally exchange the tv antenna I bought for the superbowl and picked up a Roku instead. Nice manager let me exchange the antenna in spite of it being 30 days past the exchange period. Picked up Itlalian on the way home and manged good. Then, hooked up the Roku and I have all the apps working again, and then some. The Roku is instantly more user friendly than the Fire Stick ever was. More versatile wit a whole lot more apps too.

hen, the babbling continued as the first paragraph may have suggested (oh, is that what that was? lol). Yes, I was writing most of the day since waking mid-afternoon and while I would only give the babbler a D for creativity and a C- cleverness, generously, at that, it was good to babble and maybe I'll spruce it up tomorrow or some day when the muses are awake. For now, sleep is needed as softball just just six hours away (cuz it's well after midnight by now).

I miss the muses. You too.

Narf :)

Unnecessary Frustration

Usually is, after all, but nonetheless, it is and reactions are not always positive. So instead of taking the shower immediately upon getting home from the haircut, cuz fine hars are all over and itchy and now on the recliner and wherever, I decided to cook. Or at least heat up some food. Was it because the little one was eating in the kitchen, a place I seldom go (the table is always cluttered with her stuff when she is here as she spreads out throughout the house) or was it other frustrations (cuz I wasn't all that hungry). Anyway, that done, I paused in my trip to the shower because she started taking a shower right after I ate. Then I sat here watching a bit of TV and playing a phone game and suddenly, it's past bedtime. Just as I am going to bed, the smoke alarm starts beeping loud again. TA has the pick-up but procrastinates about getting a ladder, so there is no light in the laundry room or the hallway leading to my bathroom or right outside the front door and the smoke detector reminded me of how frustrating that can be. So after fighting with a long broomstick to push the button on the smoke alarm, I was awake and frustrated and went hunting for some crunchy food and found burritos in the freezer in the garage (after walking into the dryer door and a pile of their dirty clothes cuz the garage is through the laundry room). So burritos are in the oven and I just tried to burn off some energy on the elliptical for five minutes and the body stamina and muscle strength and mindset are all so weak that I have not been past five minutes since the new elliptical arrived (is fear of pushing it a factor?... grrrr) and even though that makes twice on the elliptical today (started the morning off with five minutes), there is a growling between my ears, drowned out by the tinnitus, I'm sure, and the bloated grumbling in the gut and the computer is slower than ever in spite of a cleaning and defrag (and I may be getting a computer from work for $100 that has 8gm RAm and an I5 processor and a 512 GB hard drive in a few weeks if the techie who cancelled my request (he reinstated it a couple of hours later) didn't screw me out of my top order in the line for those computers) and I am laughing at myself which is pissing me off.

So how was your night?

Narf lol lam sigh :)

More Calories, Less Hair, and Work

Yeah, so it appears I eat more when the kids are here. Influences? Stressors? Lack of privacy? Something else? All of the above and more? Whatever, I had three meals fr dinner after three protein shakes during the day. Dinner as about 13-1400 calories, so still an under 1700 calorie day, but not the plan to stay under 1000, no less under 500 until the weekend. Maybe some elliptical? Anyway, got the hair chopped off after work. The head feels the draft and the thinning on top is more noticeable, in case it matters. Work was sitting and learning about benefits and retirement plans and medicaid and financial planning in the morning, then desk work most of the afternoon with a few emergencies tossed in. All went well, the security system is getting easier to troubleshoot and more and more people are counting on me to help them more and more. Feels good to be needed, though tough to keep up with the routine work when so hyper busy. That was the day that was. Some phone games after dinner, me against the computer, alas, the lonelies sing the sad solo song in the background, then, this.

So what's up with you?

Narf :)

Could Have, Should Have, Didn't

I could have been asleep so easily by just sitting down in the recliner when I got home from work, but no, this happened. Energy for rebilding muscles, with the salts and spices that encourage life, but also trigger wonderful chemical highs. Just as much, sleepiness sweeps over the mind with the power of a tsunami, so this will be a short entry.

Long day at work, again, in and out of the office, covering many different tasks from inspections to security and communicating in photographic reports.

And now, sleep...

nite nite...

Narf :)

Not Enough Computer

I've survived with this computer for several years now. Somewhere in these blogs is the date I bought it. It's never had enough memory to do what I want to do with a computer, but I've made do and continued blogging, albeit with limited resources and due to that, less creative inspiration than I'd like. Still, the subdued babbler is still a babbler and even here, there is a fair amount of mindless chatter even less pertaining to whatever this daily life blog ought to be than this particular entry might be if it's ever actually written. Did you want it to be?

Maybe chrome has something to do with it, since it is a memory hog (and it used to be Microsoft that held that title, but then, other browsers don't do much better with this limited machine). So I sit here typing this while waiting for my gmail page to finally stop loading and a lyric search page to finally, yeah, well, so eight browser tabs are open and three have been loading for at least five minutes. Longer even. Waiting is the hardest part.

And all I wanted to do was find a song that explains what I do. Took so long, this entry happened instead. Randomly, even Still, it's such a simple truth.

Narf :)

Miracles Happen

We won. We not only won, we run ruled a team. We've been rule rules every game and somehow, we held it together, even in the last inning when all the subs went into the outfield and every outfield ball was a double or triple. Somehow, I was as on as ever and they couldn't hit me at all. Maybe three balls to the outfield. Five hit right back at me for outs and a few strikeouts. Five innings, no walks, 14-3, and they were home team. So we won our first game and the team wanted a team photo and the excitement was a lot of fun. For some of them t was their first softball win ever. I hit well and ran well and scored three times, so I'm jazzed about my play too. Inner and outer gratification, good stuff, even alone.

Meanwhile, 600 or so calories today, mostly protein, and I'm gonna do my best to have no more. dropped to 205 fully clothes and heading for... hopefully... with not a whole lot of confidence lol... under 200 by the end of the week. Then, make the promise once again to never go above 200 ever again. Right. Where is the partner who will hold me to that? Surely not in my head lol. Every year, it is more dangerous to bounce the weight around like I do. Alas, wish you were here, somebody, almost anybody, or more really the one. Ok, so let's not start on that loneliness merry-go-round tonight. Resist! Resist! Resist! Meanwhile, tomorrow is day four in a row of softball and just after this entry, just before I get in the shower, in spite of how completely exhausted I was after work and before the game, I'm getting on the elliptical.

Yeah, miracles... hopefully not the last one before I die lol.

Come on, somebody laugh with me.

I'm right here waiting.

Narf :)

Exhausted

So I sat down here exhausted, and almost fell asleep, no wait, I did, I did, I doubly did, I did just fall asleep, but luckily I just woke up just in time to drink caffeine, a sip or two is all I need to wake me enough to play on through fatigue and so I did, play through, at least that's what I hope to do. It's all mind over matter. If you don't mind, nothing matters. Nut if you do...

Walked miles today, climbed, crawling, inspected, it was Fire Inspection day at the old home building and we walked and talked and did our best to educated people. Not everyone loves it, but most appreciate it. The building itself did really well because we have an excellent facilities maintenance person there. The cords and plugs and appliances and comforts were where the staff need education and that is coming. So a twelve hour day and then...

Softball. The Tuesday night team, so my expectations are very low, but I'll give them my best and cheer them on and maybe we'll pull off a miracle. Gotta wake up now, drive, play, and have fun. Did I mention I got the Employee Of The Month Award for January today?

Make your life fun too, m'ok?

Narf :)

KIT, Or Something Like That

There is a lot to be found in history that never changes even though life itself is constant change. A half dozen bits of babble and assorted writings happened since we last visited each other here and later or someday I may link, but I just wanted to let you know in case you wondered in case it matters. Complaints, moments, consumers, letters, and more and you can find it all if you have a sense of the map these written gardens yourself. Please do. :)

Long day ahead, fun day behind, keep making it fun.

Narf :)

Majorly Fatigued

Good softball, beat the best team out there, good long day at work, need more sleep, but good to feel good about life and fun even when exhaustion is high. No food tonight, please. The bloat from yesterday's pig out is still strong in this one. Even if I am slipping this in after the fact. What does that mean? You can ask, figure it out yourself, or never mind it.

Not like it matters, aye? Maybe I need more iron and vitamins. Or caffeine. No, don't want to fake energy, gonna get back on the iron tablets and remember my vitamins every day. Yeah, even if nobody cares to remind me. I've done most of this life by myself most of the time anyway, so shut up the lonely boy blues and get with the program.

Good self-talk. Feel free to jump in anytime.

Narf :)

This Will Just Lay Here

Likely unnoticed cuz it's a slip in, but heck if I remember why I didn't write on this weekend when I was home, I think. Didn't ride the elliptical, but I did play ball, two games of softball, two wins, and I was out from 8am to 4:30pm in the heat and sun and so, the body was tired. Was this the day I went bonkers and had a half gallon of ice cream and a pound of pistachios for dessert after a dinner of something else? Who knows. Who cares. I mean, besides me. Don't all hold your hands up at once lol. Why am I laughing? Great imagination, that's why. And indomitable spirit. Or insanity. Delusional self-grandiose over-confidence, no doubt.

So when you find this one, will you let me know?

There's always hope... I hope :)

Narf :)

022220202222

Whatever it means, it means what it means, and if it means something to you, then i means something to you and if you share what it means to you with me it can mean something to me to, so what do you want to do? Life is what I live and give with love so here is the recap of my day, because that is what I come here for... mostly.

The new elliptical finally arrived. I have not tested it yet, but I am going to trust the TRUE company and hope the Gymsource company did the right thing by putting together a new machine without any shortcuts, in spite of their obvious reluctance to do so. I shall do my best to put the unpleasantness behind me when I wake up, but for now, I am too tired to make any assessments. Fatigue is not a good place for seriousness.

TA talked me into Mellow Mushroom (he is worse than I am with his dietary tastes and I really must be a better influence on him for both our sakes). I ordered a ridiculous amount of food and was surely disappointed, enough so to point out how light my $30 calzone was to the manager who game me a $10 coupon for my next visit. So I ate most of the calzone, a couple of bites of the sub, and a few bites of the burger. I think I already vented about the details, so look behind if you want to know, then look ahead and let it go.

Waiting for the elliptical did not go well with the nap I wanted, but at least I am home early enough to get some decent sleep time if I get to sleep soon. No party tonight, alas, in spite of all the food here. I'll be good. There is one bathroom/toilet at the fields for hundreds of players, so the last thing I want to do is need to go at the fields and I may be there all day as the first game is at 9 and I don't play until 1:30, then again at 2:30. We're a three team group now and supporting each other would be nice, but being at the fields for 8 or 9 hours is tough when there is just one toilet, no shade, and no water.

Be positive.

We played three games tonight and I won all three. Surprising, since I am brain-foggy and was not really paying attention. There was a lot of hysterical laughter about penises and I smiled, but there was nothing much funny about it - people are so embarrassed by anything sexual, it's not funny to me. As much as I like tangential thinking, I like to play games and not wander off on distractions while the game is being played. I was patient and smiled a lot, and that's probably why I did well, though as usual, I'd have liked more competition. It may sound egocentric, but it is what it is. When I want to, I win a lot wherever I go, whatever I do.

It was good to see old friends I don't see much anymore since I moved into this comfortable home. I miss the caring, the sharing, the fun. Not enough to go out as much as I used to though. There is so little time after work and softball. Work consumes 55-60 hours a week, easy. Softball consumes 10-20 hours most weeks and some weeks, a tournament can take a whole weekend. If I want to give 60 hours to sleep, and I do, that leaves about 25-30 hours, 3-4 hours a day for travel time, eating, bathing, cleaning, laundry, shopping, bill paying writing, communicating with friends and others, and all the other things life needs (doctor visits, car care, and so on)... so other fun?... there's just so little time.

Still, it's good to have friends and share fun now and then.

Especially without family.

So how about you?

Enjoy life!

Narf :)

022220202020

I'm not here now, off playing games with friends, but I left this here to remind us and to let you all know that there used to be a birthday I would celebrate every year on this date, and I still do, though I don't know how to tell you. What happens to the love of a lifetime when the love is no longer shared. It would hurt me to believe that you ever thought that I never cared. Because I still do. I just could not give you what you wanted and you can say the same to me, when we are honest with each other... but I wish we kept in touch.

I miss the attention you gave me
I miss how you wanted to be near me
You didn't seem to understand
why I kept a pen in my hand
how much words mean
and why I write
it's now I make sense of this life

I needed someone who would read
and tell me what could be seen
in all the words

I needed someone who would need
to hear me sing, encourage me
someone who heard

It was not enough to just want to be near me
when the words and the songs didn't move you
I still miss how you wanted to be near me
I just needed someone who would be with me

You didn't seem to understand
I know you tried
I hope you know that when I left
I cried

And I still miss how much you wanted to be near me
And I wish we could still share what we could share
What I gave wasn't enough for you
What you gave wasn't enough for me
But what we shared was still so beautiful...
I still care and wish we could share
honesty


It never really ends... the love... it just goes on and on...

Hugs... and Happy Birthday...

and Narf :)

02222020

February 22, yes, I remember. love is forever, even if it isn't the precise kind of love someone wants. Unconditional love is so misunderstood in this world. It is the only love I know and the love I want most and I test every person who claims to love me and so far, no one has reached the level of unconditional I want, or give. My personal history of sharing love in this life is likely to be considered a failure, a tragedy, or a disaster by most human standards of the day, but perspectives chance and someday, perhaps, my love will be recognized for the unconditional love it is. I ask nothing for someone to receive my love. I want just a couple of things for someone to stay in an intimate relationship. Honesty and unconditional love in return. My wanting that pushes people who won't give it away. I won't pretend anything less than completely open honest and pure total unconditional love is enough. So far, no one remains close. Everyone I've ever know who claimed to love me has gone away. Every one of them is welcome back in my life, in my space, in my love.

Someday we'll all understand.

Narf :)

Sometimes On Saturdays

Sometimes the dates align with the life's schedule and a memory has time to rise from the depths because there is no work or other plans scheduled for a give day and something might happen to wake me from deep sleep (where deeper memories live) just at the right moment. Such seems to be the case today, as I look at a Saturday morning through sleepy eyes. The date is familiar, a celebration of a life, someone from long ago who left me behind for reasons that matter less each year. I tested, I wanted too much, perhaps unfairly, and unconditional love did not happen. We had different definitions for it, for love, I suppose. We wanted different things. I never wanted the traditional life. I couldn't fake it, no matter how much I tried. The life I wanted may never have been clearly defined, probably because I did not want to define it alone and no one ventured into the life with me. Wandering freely without any ties, except to each other. Reaching that, the next step might have been anything, but not reaching that, the life never began.

Now, for some random data, and other thoughts... 0222200222, interesting time/date. Also, chemicals. Sometimes sad and amusing almost meet. Everything is not a popularity contest. Or a song on repeat, after all. Or wrong. You had to be there. Intelligence can be entertaining, too. Apologies for the commercials, I hate youtube and google since that started. Size, matters, even randomly. Of course all this could easily put everyone to sleep. Call it a public service.

Happy Birthday Sandy, may you have everything you want.

Narf :)

Home Early

Cuz I can. Cooking chicken. Cuz it's there. Four thighs. Gotta do this more often. Economize and cut calories, that's the ticket. Sleepy. Could nap right now. Probably would if I didn't put chicken in the oven. Work was ok today. Caught up on emails, some other desk stuff, meeting on the big project, sorted through photos of inspections and created shared folders so the other inspectors can use the photos, poked a bear or two, and then, homeward bound. So here we are, ready for a relaxing afternoon and evening. What are you doing?

Narf :)

022020202020

I could have added another 20, and so on, in case you didn't care, I mean, what are numbers anyway? Contenders? Whatever, right? Are you even out there anymore? Meanwhile, the calories continue pouring in and the elliptical is delayed yet another day. Bigger and bigger and farther from the healthiness I was supposed to return to and maintain this year. Each year, the death comes closer, and surely it doesn't need as much help as I'm giving it. But stop calling me surely anyway. The dessert was seriously chocolated frozen yogurt. $18+ dollars worth (sold by the pound). I left half the chocolate over for tomorrow. I'm also sprinkling monosodium glutamate on my food, just for the record. Not bad, m'ok? You missed me, right? Deeper than we know. Higher too. This glutamic acid stuff is found naturally in tomatoes, grapes, cheese, mushrooms and other foods, just so you know. No wonder those are favorites. I wonder if it's in chocolate too. Anyway, what are you doing here? Why? When? How? Where? What?

We coulda been, ya know?

Narf :)

Hope, Truth, Dreams, Reality

All this confusion is just illusion. Did you get it? Really? There is so much to be found, so much to understand, so much going 'round, so much in the hand, so much it can do, so much more to say, so much to construe, some day, some way. Whatever you make of this, it is. Whatever you believe all this may be, it could be. What you share makes it so. When you care, it is so. Laughing at secret messages, there is deeper and still, deeper (still life, get it?) into the past, the dark is where the light goes to sleep. Mayhaps to dream. What is love? So much more.

Don't let it get you down, it's only...

Narf :)

More Words!

In spite of the distraction from the slow internet and slow computer and environmental beings, there is a powerful desire for more words, I say, more words tonight. Though that might be as fleeting as the impulse to eat something healthy instead of more fried food, an impulse which didn't last long enough for me not to eat the two chicken wings that were sitting out for almost twenty four hours, before cleaning the food tray from last night. Ah, food, ye shall be the life I live and the cause of death, no doubt.

So how was your day?

Mine was work work work, but then, isn't every day in this life just like that when you care more about people and moments and giving something good, rather than stealing and cheating and taking from others? Whatever, philosophy never made anyone rich. Except maybe Monty Python and some other oddballs. Fire pump inspections all morning, then an afternoon of something at my desk, but for whatever reason, I don't remember. Sometimes I might just do desk work just for the fun of it, but don't tell anybody. So much more to do, one of these days.

I told the boss I wouldn't be long when he left at 5, which is very early for him, and then, about 8, I realized I was still there talking on the phone to a manager who likes to talk, a lot. He's a rather oral fellow. I jut arrived home and put food in the oven and while waiting for it to cook, or at least get hot, here we are.

Is your life as exciting as mine?

Tell me more!

Narf lol :)

Used to Write

I used to write to you as if you cared, as if someone was out there reading, as if there was a chance that you might share, but what is shared? Does sharing happen when one is alone, when one has no responses, no communications? Maybe you are reading silently for all these years, maybe these words matter to you, maybe they are even important to you. Maybe you just don't ant to interaction, for your own reasons, maybe you just don't want to acknowledge we share here. If that's the case, it leaves me wondering, for only you know that sharing is happening. For me, there is just the possibility of sharing happening, the hope that sharing is happening, somehow, some way, some where.

I used to write with more certainty in my hope, with a stronger belief that sharing was happening, that you were out there reading. Now there is much more hope than belief. Now there is much more wondering than believing. Now, sometimes, there is even doubt that sharing is happening.

Still, I write. Perhaps not with the same tone or messages I used to write, but still, I write. Hope remains, even in a swirl of wonder tinged with doubt, hope remains.

There's always hope (I hope).

Narf :)

Let Me Make A Record

Let me make a record of this madness, before it's too late, let me make a record f this sadness, before it's too late, let me record every foolish step along the way of this journey through this mad sadness up to the dying day... let me make a record of this madness, so memories might stay, when I no longer play.

Call in Gavin Friday for the haunting melody... call in the pink floyd band to express the canopy... call in the beatles and stones and who to set us free... call in spill canvas to bring us down to wounded knees... ad say please oh dog say pretty please for just one more cool breeze with the answers promised by dylan and harry's symphonies... call them chapin's symphonies...

Another day, no elliptical, another day, nothing but softball, another day, too many calories, another day closer to the end. Another day waiting for my friend. It's the too many calories part I wanted to record before it's too late. I am probably close to the max weight again, foolishly, stupidly, suicidally.

Big softball win tonight. Pitched great. Hit poorly, but knocked in the winning run.

6-2 record for the past three days, not bad.

Wish you were here.

Narf :)

Coolish Beanos

5-2, newbies, firsts, 2 losses by one run each... So we went 1-1 today. Won our second tournament game and just fell one run short in our second to finish the tournament in fourth place. A team full of players who never played softball before. Only two of the team ever played in a tournament before. A couple of players who are not favorites for habits they have, too much talking, too little filter, too much distraction, and not being where they should be on the field during plays, but good coaches seem to recognize that. Good coaches, while many too many at times because they all play on other teams, good coaches make a big difference.

So we went 5-2 for the tournament. Five wins for a brand new team of mostly new players who are not even set in positions yet. Players who, except for the two, appear to be eager to learn, good sports, and team players. Yeah, this is a very good start to the latest phase of Sunday softball. I see more tournaments and a world series berth in our future. Most of all, I see fun, for even behind, even in the losses, they were not down, didn't give up, and had fun.

Next time, I'l get a better room, try to socialize more, and the weekend will be even better.

Wish you were here...

Narf :)

Terrible Wi-Fi

A little over $90 for a room and why should I expect anything but filth. First, the key doesn't work. I drive back to the office and the guy says he'll meet me around at the room. So I drive back to the room and the guy tries the key and opens the door with a physical key and says the lock is broken so i can come to the office and he'll let me in when I go out. Nope, what else can he do? He offers me a room on the second floor, a long walk from the car, and up outdoor stairs. Why do I try to save $50 bucks or so? So I drive back around to the front and he gives me the new key and I go to the room. Two trips from the car later, there's still way too much in the car and there are signs warning to lock your ca and management is not responsible everywhere. here are apparently a lot of people living here weekly or monthly. And possible hourly. The bathtub is dirty, the water pressure sucks, did I mention I forgot shampoo and soap and there's none in the room? I forgot a few other essentials too and it's too late to go out shopping so I'll do without.

Life is not perfect.

Narf :)

Lonely Day, Lonely Nights

Yeah, there's a song cue. It's actually worse than this, but I don't want to depress myself. .

Pushing Poorly

But still pushing. Yeah, eating too much, gaining weight, not exercising enough (the elliptical stills sits waiting for replacement), and generally not doing what is best for me. Still, I am pushing the body to work long hours and stay active with softball (four days in a row this week, multiple games Saturday and Sunday), and reaching for the positive even as the loneliness tries to smother me. People have been so disappointing in this life, but still, I hope. Still, I don't close the door completely. Still, I am here.

Pushing out the words, reaching out to anyone who finds me, hoping for more sharing, caring, peace.

Exciting, isn't it?

Narf lol :)

Maybe Ok

Am I so cynical that I don't believe there are ethical corporations out there? The jury is out. I received a message on the phone today asking me to set up an appointment for service. I don't want service, I want a new elliptical that won't break down in the first few times I get on it. Then, finally home to check email, I find the company, the manufacturer, TRUE, called the store and told the store to replace the elliptical and they would deal with the returned machine. It would have been nice if the store message said that, but it may be that the company told the store to do that after the store called to set up a service call. I will be skeptical until I see the new machine here, and have no question that it is a new machine. Also, the 1/2 inch mat will tell me the store is trustworthy too. Time to turn off the pissed and turn on the patience.

Meanwhile, softball was sad but fun, mostly. 22-4 as I had no defense and if I didn't strike out batters we were not getting outs. I believe I struck out six of the nine outs. I caught one pop-up. I went two for two and batted in three of the four runs. They batted me ninth for some reason, so I was lucky I got up twice. Only four girls showed up, so there was an automatic out right after I hit. All but a few of the people who show up just can't field or throw, and half can't hit or run. Most balls to the outfield are home runs. Most balls to the infield reach the outfield. The few that are stopped are thrown wildly to first. A couple of players cant throw to the pitchers mound consistently. So we are at the mercy of the other team and only played four innings because they stopped playing hard after the first inning. A good group of people though, so I'm supporting the work team.

Eating light today and walking a lot, work was working with the Fire Marshall's office to inspect one of the courthouse buildings. Tomorrow I'll be too busy to join the inspection as some other project work takes precedence. One of these days I'll take a little time off. This weekend is a softball tournament in Tampa, I'll be driving the early Saturday morning. Life is fun, busy, and days like these I don't even have time to feel alone. Just living in the moment enjoying what I do.

Anybody wanna share in the fun? :)

Narf :)

So Pissed

Yes, I am, so so so very pissed. $4K. $4,000. Actually, more than four thousand dollars for an elliptical machine and on the, what, sixth or seventh use, it broke. Before it was here three weeks, it broke. Before I made the first payment, it broke. I didn't even begin to use it, not even close to pushing it past level one at low speed at low resistance at normal stride length. Tonight fr the first time I pushed it over level ten (it ha 30 levels) and opened the stride to 27 inches (it's max stride length), and the brakes locked up and the screen froze and it died. It sits there mocking me, a four thousand plus dollar elliptical machine.

Softball was weak, work was weak, starting with an asshole cop blowing hot air in my office. My boss defined him with the word, in case you want to suggest I am biased or my perspective is skewed. Come to think of it, it seems there are a lot of asshole cops in my world these days. I was quoted in the local newspaper about another one just yesterday. I leaned toward the paranoia conspiracy perspective and sure enough, some bad reporter scooped up my words and closed their article with them, while misrepresenting who I am. I said bad reported, right? Am I being too negative for you tonight?

Yea, well I'm pissed. So pissed, I wrote this.

Narf.

This Could Have Been Yesterday

Or even the day before. But here we are, today, whenever that is. Your today is likely different than the today of the writing, but does that really matter? Well, I mention it, in case it does. Matter, that is. This was updated, for whatever reason, I mention it here for no apparent reason, except, most likely, for the free publicity this blog gives the entry. So while we are on the subject, this was updated too, though it may have nothing to do with the subject, whatever that may be.

Tonight, an 18.6 ounce filet mignon was paired with shredded potatoes in cheese sauce. This was followed by massive amounts of cookies. Cooked perfectly for my taste, a rare steak meat meal, oh so melt-in-my-mouth delicious. Deliciously stuffed. Food is the peak sensual pleasure these days. My choice not to look for or welcome sexuality these days, for a few reasons, in case it matters, but hopefully the elliptical will bring a another that will balance the calorie intake. Soon.

Softball this morning, shopping after that, then TV and phone games until dinner. I finally booked a room for the Tampa tournament. A Wyndham place, $87 a night. Not sure if anyone ill share the expense and room, but I'll deal with it if nobody does. Kind of like the idea of privacy too. On that note, I should head to bed.

Nite nite, and Narf :)

Soup and Sandwich

Some things fit together well, some don't. Some soups and sandwiches fit together well. Some don't. Groups and sub-groups. Sets and sub-sets. The deeper we divide, the more we might be different... or alike. Soulmates get down to the deepest division and find more similarity than difference, sometimes, going together so well, they feel like one being. I remember the dream when it was a reality I could actualize. Anybody else?

Life is about work and food most days. Some days, Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays especially, softball jumps in and that's fun, mostly. Sometimes Saturdays. Today is a work and food day, so I'm done. TV. There's TV. Nobody to talk to, just TV.

I had a love-hate relationship with a cool-looking but poorly functioning salt shaker and it's over. Glass spread all over the tile living room floor when it fell. I swept as well as I wanted, and now, home for no foot cuts. Remember to wear something more than socks for a while. Find a way the mop the floor well.

Bloodly poop tonight, my bad. I didn't follow my own best treatment regime and sure enough, bloodly poop.

So what's life like in your world and... whatever happened to the elliptical?

Narf :)

As The World Distracts

Dang if I don't surprise myself sometimes. I detest lies. That is why I detest politics. Power corrupts. Money corrupts. Few can resist, few can turn away from pot of gold. Few can buck the system. The system of lobbyist money. The system of campaign money, which is the only way to success in politics. The ones who take the most money have the best chance of winning. Advertising dollars are almost everything in politics. So rare is the personality and character that can maintain honesty and integrity on the way op.

Honesty is my highest ideal. I live it. That is a big reason I don't have much money (but boy if I did... know the song? lol). Of course giving most of what I earn away doesn't help, but success requires playing games, or ignoring games, that I will not play or ignore. Call me foolish if you wish. Some people who've known me well have told me I have no common sense. I smile and let them go on there way. I don't mind being a loser in their eyes, because fom my perspective, they've lost a lot more than I have in this life.

Anyway, this is what looking at the world of politics (and other organized manipulative organizations and systems) does. I rant a bit. I preach or shout from a soapbox, lost in some sort of truth-seeking righteousness. I'm not sure I like that part of myself, but I always try my best to see things from all sides. It feels better when it feels like I succeed.

It was a distraction from the lack of sleep, long day, and running nose :)

Narf :)

Need Sleep

So as I sit here pondering political self-destruction (like Rome, an empire falls from within when greed and ego overcome logic and sensitivity to create too big a divide), the body cries out for sleep. The waterworks are turned on as the immune system cranks out antihistamines and antibodies and whatever else it can make to fight the invaders. The sleeplessness is the most challenging effect, as it undermines the immune system, prolonging the symptoms, and making room for complications that can end life in this body. Ninety minutes left before work starts again and all I need is a good 20 hours sleep. I'll settle for eight, but I have not seen eight consecutive hours of sleep in a very long time.

Meanwhile, work fills most of the time in life these days. Yesterday was typical and I left work to head to softball and then did two hours more work on my laptop at the softball field offices. The eyes get blurrier by the day, the body gets weaker by the night, the cycle is not going in a healthy directions. The elliptical remains, but has not been used for at least four days, going into five. Push through the fatigue? If only I could get a little sleep.

Alone makes it even sadder. Wanted: Nurse with more love for me than I have at the moment.

Of course I always ask for too much. Another unhealthy cycle.

Are you my mother? lol

Narf :)

Throw Away Entry

This one is just tossed in here, for every apparent reason, later in the year, after the moments the entries around this entry may have been written. Just because I have these extra words floating around my head and once again, for every apparent reason, I am clearing them out. Maybe I need more space. I could definitely drop some ear wax, plenty of that between the sounds and the brain. The primary reason I am not a fan of ear buds. Strange as it may seem, you probably don't care and never needed to know this, not to mention the content of 99.99999% of the words I've put online.

But that's ok, you don't even have to be here for these entries to pop up out of nowhere and if you never saw this one, your life would be the same as it always was, for better or worse. You don't ever know what you've missed, the magic behind the babble, the mystery behind the screen. The most valuable commodity in any universe.

It could have been yours.

Narf :)

Feelings, Not

It's a feeling I get wen I look to the west, a longing for a better life, a life filled with love ad hope and dreams that can still come true. It has nothing to do with Disneyland, in fact, is hours north of the mouse house, even though the song reminded me of the fun I used to share at Disneyworld. I miss people who loved me and cared about me, but I'm not a big fan of the human race as a whole. Never was. Stupid self-destructive competitors playing a game nobody wins, but in which everybody gets hurt. So I decided to slide this entry in here between the sheets just for the habibut.

When you get here, maybe you'll understand. If you want to care.

If not, be as you will, there.

Narf :)

Extremeties

Extreme extremities, again. Dragged myself out of bed before 7am on a Sunday morning, not even leaving enough time for a shower as I headed our for softball practice in 45 degrees. So tired, taking a wrong turn, I arrived five minutes late to practice, which is not like me at all. Did I mention the post nasal drip is driving me completely off the chain distracted, sleepless (in Orlando), fatigue, with waterorks fits several times a day? A good practice though, in spite of my fatigue. Just two hours, since no other teams practices after us. I headed to some stores for a few items, but I could not remember what I wanted to go shopping for, So I went impulsive and spent almost $300 on stuff I probably wouldn't have bought if I wasn't going extreme today. Superbowl Sunday, nobody interested in watching with me, uncertain if I was even going to watch even though both teams interest me, loneliness, wah wah, and then there's whatever else. Six more stores later, I bought a whole lot more and one of the items was an antenna for the TV. Walking, tired, home around 4pm. The antenna didn't work. Bummer, lonelier, wishing I simply didn't even acknowledge what day it was. Then, I found out that the game might be available on an app. So I got to watch, alone, but then, Jackson texted me a bunch of times so I wouldn't feel so alone. Andy brought home pizza and a meatball parm sub for me, and I bought some deserts. So much for the elliptical and weight loss, but on the other hand, the muscles needed rest too. Cough. And now the wallet needs even more rest. Cough. Sniff. Bouncing back and forth between the extremes of emotions and experiences, highs and lows, ups and downs, and ultimately, yummy fun. Alone, but still yummy fun.

So how as your Superbowl Sunday?

Narf :)

02022020

In case you thought I may have forgotten, today, n the 33 day of the year (with 333 days left, no less), numbers amuse. Whatever else it means, the numbers amuse. I just was not in any sort of mood to recall or record any sort of word play today. So just in case you are (or were) interested, I will leave this right here so you can check for yourself if you are or if you ain't, or something like that.

Just look at the time...

Narf lol :)

One Stride At A Time

The water works won't stop as I wipe the nose constantly, pushing back the cough as the throat tickle demands it, resisting fatigue to clock another mile on the elliptical. Still learning the controls and the measurements, still not finding a steady consistency of measurement, but feeling a consistency of pace, albeit pathetically slow... 18:20-something for the mile and level 2. It appears to measure distance faster at higher levels, though the RPMs remain the same, which seems odd. Calories change, but the distance should be dependent on RPMs and stride length, not resistance level, but I'll get used to it, find my groove, and start seeing what I can do to improve the measurements eventually. The multiple position hand grips are also taking some getting used to as I am uses to sliding my grip up and down and these grips do not allow for that. I shall adjust, compensate, and learn to make it my own.

The good news is only one night was skipped and the muscle fatigue, while still present, has improved. So when shall we return to the body blog for these workout updates? Perhaps I am waiting for better acclimation, or more detail, or improved numbers, or something...

Anybody?...

Narf :)