Vegetating

Well, not completely. The mind is spinning and processing information, but much of the days are wasted in depressive self-pity with poor me nobody loves me nobody cares songs nobody else hears running through my head and hopeless thoughts about giving up on life and moving into my car because I am tired of the rat race madness and pretentiousness of this human culture and just want to let go, even if that means fading into old age and death. Thing is, I don't want to die because even alone, I enjoy the free time way too much to want it to end. So some days I beat myself up for enjoying the free time too much. I usually eat myself fat those days as well, depending on oral stimulation to be enough to keep me happy and occupied but it never lasts. The gleeful pleasure of food almost always fade and these days, self-loathing can too easily replace the temporary euphoria because they world sees me as a failure and I might lose the car and live on the street if I don't take going back to the rat race seriously.

There, so that was today. Watched TV on the internet. Ate a lot. I decided not to go to play cards tonight. At least I spent no money. I slept a lot. Who cares.

Narf.