Saturday, January 13, 2018

Bipolar Emotions

Not bipolar disorder, but the word bipolar does not only apply to the psychological label doctors give people with a variety of symptoms. No, everyone experiences bipolar emotions. Find your own examples, I'm too tired to explore the possibilities. I focus on mine for the moment. The mental and physical exhilaration of satisfying taste buds and food cravings while releasing all sorts of wonderful feelings from chemicals in the brain at one extreme and the sadness that comes with the knowledge that it is a suicidal pattern at the other. The pleasure I receive from playing softball, the camaraderie, the group experience, the many dozens of hugs and kisses I shared today, the genuine joy in sharing time and activity together at one extreme and the aching, sometimes bitter loneliness when driving and arriving at my little room alone, no one to talk to, no one to phone. No one to know the aches and pains and strains and extremes to which I pushed this aging body - or the multifaceted feeling of being alive, awake, energized, and celebratory on every level except the shared experience of exercise, recovery, and being alive in these physical forms we call human bodies. Falling asleep feeling so alone is torture for a child who lives to love and care and help and share.

Every night.

Oh, but what a wonderful day it was. We won our first game ever. We won our first tournament game ever. And for a few (relatively, the day was almost 12 hours long) wonderful hours, people actually shared and cared. I shall go to sleep soon because we have another game to play at 9:00 AM tomorrow and I must stop for a brake light bulb for the car on the way which means I must wake no later than 7:00 AM and it is already after midnight. I shall do my best to turn my mind off to the smothering ache of loneliness and smile at the day ahead and the day that was. It is still torture for the child inside.

In case it matters.

Narf :)

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