Eh, Again

Bags under eyes, blood in the bowl, alone again, and not caring for the body as I should. Some mornings are like this. Yesterday's lack of effort from key members on the team didn't help. Some people just come to the tournaments for the drinking and social life, the getaway. They stand around watching the game with little interest, which wouldn't be terrible, unless they are on the field supposedly playing a position. The coach stood around watching the game from left field, so what incentive does anyone else have to give any effort? Meanwhile, three of the veteran players sat on the bench, while newer players played. Obviously, that carried over into my mood this morning, in spite of my burning the outfield twice for a double and a triple (without errors). So I played well and feel good about that, but...

Starting another day and trying to shake it off, but ready for today to be even worse... trying to resist expectations but when jumping into water how can one not expect to get wet... not much incentive to keep coming to these tournaments, at least not with this team. They know how I feel because I don't hide it, but they just don't care and continue quitting on the field, so it may be time for a change.

Make the most of your day.

Narf :)

Wonderful Day

It's all perspective, so today could have been just another day with human beings, when you spend a day with human beings you love, perspective changes. Yummy food, snacks, and desserts help much. I felt appreciated even loved. Also, I remembered what it felt like to be connected to people, especially a person who knows me. Most of all, I remembered the feeling of sharing hypersensitivity. Some consider hypersensitivity a bad thing, or at least challenging to the point of forcing less sensitivity. That is probably valid for anyone who has not learned to control their own sensitivity. I did a very long time ago.

I spent the day with Jackson's family and the moment that mattered most was one that only Jackson may have picked up on, though she didn't acknowledge it so that anyone would notice. We both cried, but I don't think anyone noticed I did, at least no one mentioned noticing. There was a bit of teasing aimed at Jackson because she she got visibly emotional over a TV commercial. Ok, so you had to be there.

Gonna need to get to sleep soon, long weekend of softball starting with a long early morning drive tomorrow and games in the afternoon and evening.

Hope you enjoyed a wonderful day too.

Narf :)

What Day Is It?

Not the camel's question, because I don't feel an amusing answer will arrive, but more reflective of the hyper-sensitive rebel child who never liked this holiday and whether my dislike of dry meat and the rest of the starches typically called a feast on this day, or the actual roots of the so-called holiday (does that word really come from "holy day," or is it more from "hole day" as in a hole in the work schedule, a hole in the wheels of progress of the modern madness of industrialization turned corporatism?... whatever), but this day brings out the hard-core curmudgeon, and it has since I was a very little child, instinct before could consciously articulate why I loathed the celebratory meal that completely ignores the fact that it started a duplicitous pretentious horror hidden by most modern historical records, I mean, when it's not American evil, it gets counted, but... and you can't even say it's just a white man's evil (though it mostly is), since many times white people are the victims too, but... the numbers of dead are even broken up so it doesn't seem as bad, but... we don't want to see that colonization was in itself intrinsically genocidal (the guy who said it only coined/defined the word, after all), but... it is there, if you just dig deeper (oh, what a horribly appropriate phrasing, shudder dot dot dot), but... I'm heading to Jackson's house soon, so rather than getting into the deeper personal reasons bend the title, let's accept the nearest distraction.

Hey look, a feather.

Not M'ok?

Narf.

I Went to a Dinner Party

To visit with some old friends... yeah, and on the way home I stopped for two bags of chips, onion dip, chocolate milk, and a chocolate mousse. Jane underestimated how much food she needed and I had a small plate. Some snacks. probably should have taken it as a sign. I didn't. So now I am bloated when I should have been bloated earlier and asleep by now. I stopped before getting to the mousse. Yes, that is how boated I am. And I spent $135 on cake, pie, chips, dip, fruit, rolls, and probably more I forgot about. One more reason to not like this holiday. I stay home, maybe I pig out and maybe I fast, and I save all that money. We can dissect why another time.

Long work day, exhaustion, feeling whatever leads to stuffing of the face.

Are you out there?

Narf... :)

Waking Early

So I woke a about 1 am, maybe 2 am, and stayed awake playing a game in bed, then showered around 4 am, threw a load of laundry in so I have what I need for the weekend trip (after moving TA's clothes out of the dryer and then moving his clothes from the washer to the dryer and then folding his clothes so I could use the dryer), then sat down here and wandered Facebook for an little while and just as I sat don here, TA appeared in the kitchen. He must have gone to sleep early too. Anyway, Waking early is refreshing sometimes. I slept about six hours, I think. Could have slept more, but the brain wanted to play in consciousness. Off to work soon. I'll go in early and leave early so I can make it out to Jane's house for a dinner party. I've got to remember to stop for stuff. Wait, that's tomorrow. Jackson has a list for m to bring. hopefully I'll find a store pen on the holiday. Tonight Tess said just bring me, so i'll find something decadent to bring along with me.

Life is a party if you make it so.

Narf :)

Getting Closer

To a point of no return? To a point where I will spend time and money on the elliptical. I am fairly certain that I sit here using this old 32GB SSD 2GB RAm Celeron laptop because the elliptical comes first. I watch TA's TV and have my 10 year old plasma TV as a back-up because the elliptical comes first. So maybe (we can hope) that I am getting closer to the elliptical. Maybe closer to a lot of other things, important and not, too. Like me. Do you like me? I'm important and not, at least. The day was average, which is good. When average is good, the better days are great and we are closer to wonderful, fantastic, and amazing all the time. Maybe that's it, whatever I mean. 99% desk work, again. So much more to be explored, but the mind is a terrible thing to waste and sometimes I just feel terrible. That's good to, sometimes. The irony of that commercial campaign is we've done so much, as a species and country, to waste minds over the past century plus. The industrial revolution required a lot of drones, and the powers in power made education very specific to eliminate free thinking, creativity, and any chance of rising out of dronedom. That's why so few do. Maybe we are getting closer to enlightening. Or the end. You be the judge. Jury?

Dinner was TA's leftover salmon and asparagus. I'm doing my best to resist more. Softball was adequate, walked twice, but didn't get to run as they pinch run for me every time on Mondays. Today they almost were going to sub for me, but they thought better when we were ahead and the other team couldn't hit my pitching well. We won 9-6. That team beat us 20-4 last week. We have a -30 run differential and are 5-4 on the season, winning most of our games by less than 3 runs. We win when I am pitching well and getting the calls behind the plate. We still didn't hit well, but we were a bit better in the field and I was getting the calls behind the plate that I was not getting last week. Did I mention eh? Fun eh, though.

So anyway... 20 pounds less by the end of the year in spite of the holidays? FAT chance, right? But FAT might do it. FAT! I am seriously repulsed by live human FAT and putting live human FAT in my face turns my stomach so maybe I just need to keep putting my own live human FAT in my face like this. FAT! . . FAT! . . FAT! . . Hey look, a squirrel... Are you my mother?

I'm hungry.

Narf :)

A Lounging House

Well, I really like where I live, the location, the roommate, the space, everything fits really well and it was definitely the right choice. The once thing I must do is increase my activity here. Movement doesn't happen much. TA is a full couch potato (in fact, a bed-potato most of the time). His activity is going to work and shopping with the kids, occasionally sitting in a park of going to dinner. The influence feed sinto my inner couch potato (who needs little encouragement lol) and so, today was another lounging day around here. I didn't get dressed or go out, not even to the store, which is good, because I would have bought something high in calories. As I say, it is very comfortable here.

Elliptical.

lol lam...

Narf :)

Sunday Recliner, Food, and TV

I watched Mary Poppins tonight. Cried as I weakly sang Feed The Birds. The TV suggests Te Sound of Music ext, but I'm not watching anything more. Mary Poppins is one of the top favorites for me, the words, the music, in spite of the stupid human proper British form of love, I look past it and see so much more. Feed The Birds goes so far beyond the steps of the Cathedral or the movie or the song. It is a reminder of my connection to the universe, to this planet, to life.

Anyway, before the movie there was football. The cold rain in New England destroyed my chances for a win in the Fantasy league, but then I'm having one of my worst years there in spite of having Brady, Rodgers, Elliot, Gurley, Edelman, and more. I texted football a few times with Jackson, but mostly sports are solitary as I don't have a partner or single close friend into sports outside of Jackson and she's got Brandy, yay for love, boo for lonelies lol.

Before that, I forget. Woe up around noon both today and yesterday. Last night I stayed up and wandered the web and wrote a bit. Tonight I need to get some sleep.

So how was your day?

Narf :)

Late Night For Me

Not that it is late for me, but the night is for me, and it is late. I spent a couple of hours on Facebook sending friend requests to people who had more than 20 mutual friends, according to FB. I also looked up some old friends as I was inspired by the DDD babbling entry (which was not quite old times, but was nostalgic as it pointed out how few entries I've been writing and how the babbling has diminished over the last few years. The online world holds little interest for me, less and less as the years pass. The ice cream was good, though not as delicious as I remember it at the local upscale place. Maybe I've been eating too much sugar and fat and carbs and the taste buds are overwhelmed. A fast does seem to be the wise move. Maybe this week for a few days, definitely for December.

So what are you doing tonight?

Fun, I hope.

Narf :)

Saturday Slowdown

Nothing profound, exciting, or even interesting today. Just the mundane, the relaxing, the recap, and a little indigestion. Trying to slow down, at least. Eating way too much as I rush through days grabbing food as i can as I work on projects and not getting home until after dinner time at the earliest doesn't help because then I am ready to eat anything and the influences here play right into my weaknesses (Italian restaurant delivery last night, and a party sized store lasagna tonight). Tomato sauce and melted cheeses are right up there with chocolates the favorite flavors of all time. Unfortunately, I've been overdoing the quantities lately. December fasts are challenging, but I just may set myself on that track for as long as I can. I could dive into the past and use memories (so faded, they might not work) as I used to through the 16th, at least. That would be a great goal. We shall see.

Anyway, the kids are sick again, so the body is fighting the germs floating around the space. The little one wanting to touch all the food, including mine when it was delivered last night, and everything else in the kitchen, does not help. I guess I forgot that kids get sick a lot, not living with kids for the last two decades, but they sure do, at least several times a year.

Meanwhile, I am trying to write and give myself some me time, but it's a lazy distracting unmotivated day. Still no elliptical, which doesn't help. I am considering buying another laptop this week what with black Friday approaching. This one serves it's purpose, but limits my internet wanderings, music, and videos, and the influences and inspirations that can bring to the babbles. The babbles, alas, lamentations and condolences, in case it matters. Anybody out there?

I welcome some sharing... caring... hello?... in case...

Yeah, so anyway, happy Saturday. :)

Narf :)

Don't Let The Laughter Fool You

There used o be more seriousness between the laughs. More people used to care, and even ask for more seriousness. How are you was more than a meaningless greeting. These days, I seldom even hear the meaningless greeting. An occasional "good weekend?" or inquiry about a holiday tagged on to a "good morning" at work, but no real response is expected (or appropriate due to the setting). It has been a very long time since someone actually cared to know what was really going on deep inside of me. Or even on the surface.

This time of year brings me back to this thought. Birthdays on the 15th and 21st, upcoming personal holiday on the 1st, and another birthday on the 16th next month would bring about the memories of a time before life went on, obla de, and more, a time when "how are you?" meant something. This date mattered once. The end of a dream. I used to bring me a lot deeper, but I've learned to skim over myself, I've learned to be human.

I feel more than anyone I've ever met. More awareness, more sensitivity, more fragility, more vulnerability. That has always been my biggest weakness in the human world, and my greatest strength inside. Would you die if your death would mean John Lennon's Imagine was actualized by everyone everywhere?

Honesty.

Narf :)

Friday Fun and Italian Food

So tonight TA suggests Italian and for a change, waited for me to get home even though I was late, as usual, after 6:00 pm, so to be social and all (great excuse right?), I'm going off the weight loss program I didn't start with pizza and eggplant and a giant stuffed rice ball. Hope I don't die.

Work was a lot of learning the new software, Raptor, it's called. Going to teach others, gotta know it well. Meanwhile, the techies didn't set it up right and I found out too late (they left for the day) so first thing Monday morning they need to get up to my office and work on it. They give me more administrative rights than most people, but not full rights (it is a government computer system, after all), so I call them a lot because I do a lot of work with specialized software that needs special overrides on the standard security profiles.

After dinner now, I ate way too much. The rice ball was filling and not so good. Ate less than half. The eggplant was good, but the pizza was overcooked and cold (s was everything else), so reheating dried everything out. So way too many calories for less oral gratification reward than expected. For $36, definitely not worth it. The Ghirardelli chocolate made up for it.

Really bad movie on. Diminuendo. Not enough eye candy to save it from the bad acting, worse script, and unoriginality. What? Well, it ought to be a word. In fact, it would be the largest category or genre of anything. Generously. So the food disappoints, the movie disappoints, the world disappoints, but then, what did I expect? Oh, that's the cause of it all, expectations.

So now I'll just watch Tales From The Darkside, The Movie.

Are we having fun yet?*

Narf lol :)

Chest Pains x 3

So three times today, after eating a cracker and some spread, I sat down at my desk and felt a slight pain in my chest and the heart pounded hard and with each beat, pain, and I remembered that I used to feel this as a child and then as a teen and then as young adult and only now and then throughout this life after that. Maybe it is the extra weight, so stop the stupid, right? I had a sandwich and Doritos for dinner. I'm hungry. Work was busy today. I ate some breakfast foods they all brought in. Spent $55 last night and bought most of it into work for the monthly breakfast. Lots of food was left over and most took some home. I didn't, but I moved some into our fridge. I could probably fall asleep now. The kids are here. Recliner sleep might get interrupted, then I'll be awake half the night, and eat more. Maybe I'm just in a weird place I created for myself, like wandering into the tall grass (Stephen King isn't laughing, so why should I?). Another twelve hour day. Organizing the office real good has discombobulated the mind, apparently. Perhaps you notice the lack of organization here. Thoughts scatter, like the wind in the tall grass. The office, though, has never looked better. I wonder if anyone will notice. i wonder if it matters. It's as crowded as ever, but so much more organized. And lots of work got done. Here, there's food. Lots of food. I wonder how much longer I'll be alive. And if I fall, will anybody hear me? Some people take everything so seriously. Maybe most. Nobody takes me seriously, almost. Maybe for a moment then the moment's gone. Like dust in the tall grass.

Is there anybody going to listen to my story... before I forget to remember it.

Also a bit of throbbing just behind the right eye.

Narf :)

Morning Stupid

203. 203 pounds. Dehydrated morning weight, 203 pounds. Moron. Yes, beat the dead horse. Aches, pains, emo-stupid. Elliptical? Gym? If I didn't work so much, maybe. Should have just fallen asleep after the first two sandwiches last night. And every night for a month. Holiday season. Stupid. Will this work? Cold. 54 degrees outside. Was 45 yesterday and I didn't feel cold at all. Feel freezing this morning. Woke 6:00 am on my own. Bladder said get up. Wisdom said don't lay back down. So here we are. Cranky. Spanky. Yanky. Janky. Bloated. Whatever happened to push ups and sit ups and... stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

6:22 am. It is stupid to be laughing. lol, sigh...

Narf (eye roll) :)

Hope For Tomorrow

I didn't eat less. I nodded off a few times, and, instead of heading to bed, I ate three cans of pasta. Yes, three. More than 1200 calories. That puts the day up around 2500, or more, again. Without some serious exercise, I don't need more than 1800. Or less. Hopefully tomorrow I will find enough will power to stop this madness and start the fast I need... again. I wonder how many times the heart can take that. Especially without more serious cardio exercise. Softball and kickball is not serious exercise, in case you wondered. Emotional hunger kills, in case it matters. Stop me while I still have a head, m'ok?

Where's the music?

Narf.

Wednesday Working, Stinking, and Sinking

Work, driving, shopping, and the congressional hearings. The morning was early, starting 6:00 am, conducting the federally mandated DOT drug testing, along with a variety of time-sensitive emails related to authorizing drivers. That was followed by desk work, and there is still plenty more desk work, but the car battery was sounding weak last night and this morning, so I went out to drive around all afternoon from one end of the county to the other, up, down, and side to side. As 5:00 pm approached, I stopped for the shopping for breakfast stuff for tomorrow morning and dropped the food and car off a work. Twelve hour day, again.

Arriving home, I'm almost knocked over by the cat's litter box which had the entire front of the house (my side) smelling like a full litter box. I pointed it out to TA and he said his nose was clogged, but then went out shopping for cat litter and his dinner and changed the litter. There's still a strong odor, but I am hoping it's just lingering and not a dirty box. He obviously does not want the litter box in his bedroom or his side of the house, but I accepted it right outside of my bathroom when I moved in on the condition that he cleans it often. I don't have to ask him about it often, but tonight it was profoundly stinking enough to mention it here.

The evening is starting with the congressional hearings. Ridiculous, I know, but I listened a bit. I come away with the reaffirmation that I don't trust someone who's primary argument is pointing fingers at their opponent. Even less trust for someone mocking, belittling, or aiming any negativity against their opponent as a distraction from the quest for facts. Humans narrow their minds to fit their preconceived beliefs, but painting a target around where the arrow lands is not as funny when people's lives and what few freedoms we have left are on the line. Sad, but then, an empire falling is often sad, especially for those ho see it from within.

Hug, and if you understand, another longer hug. Stay safe and hope for the best.

Hey, I ate a little less. So far.

Narf.

Tuesday Kickball and Too Many Cals

Yes, kickball. The County wanted a kickball team, so I am playing. Exercise for me, however minimal, and support for the County morale and health and wellness program. And boy do some of them need it. Hands in pockets, walking... on the field as the ball is kicked toward them. Sad that so many people let their body become a large nearly immobile blob of fat, but that is humanity in so many ways. Meanwhile, I have been consuming way too many calories in the past week and that must stop if I am to keep 190 as my max weight point. The good news is, for a while I was feeling 220+ as a max, but now I feel seriously bloated at 190 and that bloat point continues to drop. It is all about conditioning and body awareness and it is way too easy to be delusional and insensitive to one's own body's pain and discomfort.

Meanwhile, I'm seven for seven in my last seven at bats in softball and six for six in my last six kicks in kickball, so something's working right these last two weeks. The teams, well, not so much. 3-3 in those same two weeks, with each team winning last week and losing this week. Not the best year for my team, but then, Sunday and Tuesday it's my choice to step down from competitive teams to play with newbies and large people who can't run or bend over. On Tuesdays, they as me if I am ok after I run around the bases, as if they expect me to be too old to run around, even after I keep getting on base and keep scoring. Most do not know the game and don't keep track of what's going on throughout the game or week to week. They are a fun bunch and kudos for coming out for a little exercise.

So focus on lowering the calories, especially since we still don't have the elliptical, m'ok? lol

Narf :)

Monday Softball and a Ton of Food

Oh sure, there's work, and plenty of it. Catching up on paperwork, mostly, a whole day of catching up on paperwork, with some serious office maintenance, sorting papers, filing of a sort, organizing project documentation, piling up the shredding. Not quite half done, but a major difference already. Tomorrow, I continue the database catching up and sorting and filing and so on. And the major security project that I've been riding herd on. Meanwhile, the evening was all about softball. Played on, watched two others. Everybody lost, but we had fun. The chill in the air brought me home to hot soup and hot leftover Chinese. Yum. Bloat. Burp.

Brief. Now, some TV as I nod off. Hope your Monday was fun too.

Nsrf :)

Sunday Softball Season End Banquet

The call it a banquet. I should have taken a picture. Five trays. Two fried rice, one noodles, one wings, one spring rolls. At least two hundred people. They didn't refill the wings or spring rolls so the banquet, after about the thirtieth person, was fried rice and noodles. Nothing to drink unless you went to the bar and then it was mostly ice. Did I mention the food was more than an hour late and served cool?

Meanwhile, we won a game today. It took me striking out a few players at key moments to end innings, including in the bottom of the last inning with the tying run on third. I went six for six for the day in two games, but we lost the second 22-1. That's more like what the season was like. That's what happens when an E team is put in the D Division. E Division is for where brand new players start learning the game. That's why I moved to help this team, teach new players. Unfortunately there's no support from the league and we don't have a strong organized coach and a few veteran players resist learning to play better so they get an attitude when I ask them to do the things we are trying to teach the new players. So we finish the season 2-12.

I asked about the Ratings Committee today, since I didn't hear a word and we should be setting up meetings before next season. I found out the Ratings Committee was working this season without me. Nice to let me know. It was a shitty way to find out I was not longer needed. No thank you for all the years of service, all the many hours I gave the league. Not a word, just cut me out of the message chain and invitation list. Meanwhile, I am shocked the ratings committee was active because the ratings are a sad mess. There are many players rated improperly and weaker players are getting hurt.

I stopped for a street sausage as I walked to my car, and wouldn't you know, it was not hot and the red onions were actually cold. Food didn't work ut well today. So I heated up a meatloaf sandwich and leftover lasagna and had leftover chocolate mousse. Chocolate milk. Much better. Now if I only had tomorrow off, I could digest all this starch and fat and move it along before more pounds pile on. Lots of food in the fridge for this week. Then Thanksgiving and a three day weekend out of town. I'll stop eating again in December lol. Merry Happy.

Narf :)

Housework, Marvel, and Mickey Mouse

The day started with laundry and writing (hey, not everything gets in the title, ya know?) That still continues as load after load is taking forever in the worst dryer in the universe (gotta give it a spectacular name to laugh and put up with it, aye?). A few more boxes were unpacked, winter clothes, CDs (though I have no shelving for them, so they remain in an open box for now), some car and kitchen stuff, and again there's no room in the kitchen so it's re-box, but the good news is a whole bag of trash reduced the five or six boxes to two and here's a big box of papers to sort through and mostly trash. The CDs were memory road, mostly smiles as I found a bunch made for me by friends on and offline along the way. Naturally, the CDs stolen by a friend in Toronto hurt again, but that's why the music died, after all.

We'll just leave that there.

Meanwhile, the Marvel Universe, like most super-hero comics torn out of the cartoons, never really interested me much. War movies turn me off and I saw a couple or few with friends over the years, mostly because they wanted to go and we used to go to movies as a group. I don't do movies much. I don't think they are worth the price (and snack prices are just beyond ridiculous), especially when I can have more comfort, snacks, and take a break if I want at home. Anyway, I watched Captain Marvel because I really like Brie Larsen's quirky films and on screen personalities and I enjoyed it. I really enjoy just looking at her too. She is even higher on my list of people I would love to meet now. I'm not sure I want to sit through the whole Marvel movies series, and I'm not sure I want to watch the next on, Endgame, without watching the prior ones, but I do like looking at her, so I will watch Endgame one of these days.

Finally, for now, I found the Mickey Mouse Club. That was a blast from the past, though they only have five episodes from season one and I wish they had later years so I could see if I remembered shows I actually watched in real time. On the other hand, I am surprised at the pandering and hokey show, and after two episodes felt like it was wasting my time. That might have been the start of the dumbing down of America, or maybe it has always been going on.

Luckily I wasn't just sitting and vegging while the TV was on. Lots got done. Even did TA's towels and socks and stuff that been sitting on the laundry room floor, maybe since I moved it. And in spite of the world out there, I am enjoying today a whole lot. Did I mention TA suggested Chinese for dinner and I pigged out like crazy? And chocolate chip cookies and chocolate mousse and chocolate milk too. Sweeping and dishes and more, oh my. Now, on to more laundry and unpacking and sorting and de-cluttering.

Hope your Saturday was fun too.

Narf :)

Surprise, Again

Two days ago TA said he was glad the kids were not here this week because both have colds. he little one is here now, looking sick, the poor baby. My immune system kicked up during the week when they were both here for a night, so hopefully I won't get sick too. It's a continuous battle, being alive and not letting germs or viruses take hold in the body. Kids share more close proximity than most adults, so often kids get more colds. She seems to get a hard coughing cold a few times a year. They usually bounce back better than most older adults as age weakens everything in the body, but I wouldn't want to be in a life without kids around at least sometimes.

I woke up rested and bubbly, which is why I a writing and not brooding, and this bit of babble has be bubbling again. I intend to withdraw into my world and write more and finish laundry. Nothing else planned. Tomorrow, softball and then the end of season party. At work, haven't gotten out to the parks and inspections in several weeks, at least, because of major projects that are being delayed due to poor planning, poor management, and poor oversight. If I was in charge, we'd be replacing at least one high level manager and we'd be looking for other contractors. So my boss has me doing more project management work to get the project back on track. Not my job, not his job, but those hired to do it are not doing it, so we are doing it.

So welcome to Saturday. Surprise and Happy Belated Birthday to Barb and Ray.

Celebrate life every day!

Narf :)

Low Will Power

Sometimes there is so much will power radiating from deep within that I sense I have total awareness and control of the entire universe and that which exists beyond. It's been a while since that level of energy flowed through me, but I have flashes (or flashbacks) now and then. More recently, I flip flop like a flickering florescent light, or perhaps more like a strobe light set on super slow. A few days of fasting, followed by a few days of eating anything I please. Tonight marks another phase of low will power, for what it's worth.

Just in case I don't wake up and get more clever later, Happy Birthday Barb & Ray.

Meanwhile, today was another madcap day of non-stop work, no lunch, no snacks, no breaks, just one project flowing into the next, rushing, even. A bit of a nap after dinner, then watching football, that was the evening. Naturally, I am still awake again, whatever late night time it may be. There minimal creativity tonight, so read another entry that will likely be more creative or amusing or interesting, depending on your perspective.

I would say good night, but I don't sleep. I only close my eyes.

Then again, good night anyway, if it is night where you are.

I had fun write a few comments la night, pen pal site.

Tonight I am bleary-brained, so fun is internal.

See what I mean?

Narf :)

Sleep? (or Pieces of My Core)

So here we are, and the night rolls by. Chips, chocolate protein drink (with extra Nesquik), and music. the first ten or dozen and then some. Make shift mix, nothing like what I used to do with smooth audio blends and serious messages threaded from song to song, but the first ten still reach deep into me to express pieces of my core. In fact, that's the name I'll give it. If I ever put quality versions on a well mixed CD. It is out there though, just me, out here on the internet for anyone to find. Just a dreamer treading water in a world that flushes dreams down the drain. A heart so full of love, there no room for walls or defenses. A mind too open to be accepted in this world. So here I am, hiding out on the internet, laughing, hoping, dreaming a base will find me and... you just need to know the song, but we'll make beautiful music together if it ever happens... comes to pass... magically actualizes. Wouldja, couldja, be my baby (hear the song, all I ever needed, and it is repeated, if you listen to the playlist liked above... when stars collide).

Some night are make for dreaming, but if you just dream when you're asleep, there's no way for dreams to come alive... so here we are, sacrificing the body and mind a bit, so dreams can stay alive and ave a chance to survive, to come to pass, to magically actualize.

Are you listening?. What do you hear?

Narf :)

Ridiculous Hunger and Return of the Burn

It would appear as though my emotional hungers are powerful stuff and can easily dominate this life when I am not distracted by something more healthy or focused on staying aware of optimizing this body or in love (or something like that). Also, the weakness of the rectal tissues appear to be a permanent aspect of life. You can read more about that in the body blog, for here and now, I'm just hungry again.

So instead of stumbling into bed after waking fro a sweet deep slumber in the recliner to drop some of the processed food in the child-sized toilet, I get on the computer and find the frustration of Windows and Kaspersky and Google ganging up on me as all my passwords were invalid (is that what finally getting the upgrade to Windows 10 1903 did?... I mean beside the wasted weekend?) and resetting them was (and will be, since I only reset two) a time-consuming pain in the ass (a technical term for Windows), but speaking of such pains... nevermind, see above to understand below. As if that wasn't enough, I just made myself (and consumed) a midnight snack consisting of a smoked salmon cream cheese, smoked trout spread, baby swiss cheese, tomato, and mayo sandwich on an onion bun. Yum.

I'll pay for it tomorrow, or later, but yum anyway. Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight, as I have a four hour defensive driving course to teach in the morning, but then, anybody wanna come out to play?

You choose the game.

Narf :)

Extra Day Off

Just for the record, given the previous title, the door seldom slams. It's almost always when when the kids are here and I guess they forget I sleep a few feet from the front door. This morning, my alarm woke me. After I his snooze for the third or fourth time, I remembered it may be a holiday and I checked the internet and sure enough, my offices are closed today. I went to the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep for another three hours. Such sweet sleep, the extra three hours. Maybe I should get a holiday calendar, or at least check my phone calendar, before I turn on my alarm, aye? I fell asleep in the recliner though, so when I crawled into bed about 3 AM, I wasn't checking anything but the pillows lol.

The wonderful feeling of sleeping in, the extra three hours of sleep, the feeling of extra time to do anything I please today (except shop for that dang elliptical, cuz stores are closed, I think lol). Instead of writing, though, which I was excited about a little while ago, I turned on the TV and indulged some mindless observation of humans acting out the human delusions that dominate most human lives. I mused over the deeper layer of irony (or planning) to cast a very multicultural cast with black leads and while that adds curiosity, especially since there has not been much, if any, racial references that usually accompany shows with black leads, it's either impressive or irrelevant, depending on your perspective. I wonder if they did that on purpose. Maybe it's the local NPR station that influences my perspective on race these days, but it sue is good to see a story where black people are not playing victim and acting like people, not constantly emphasizing their blackness, which is a form of racism too. Well beyond that layer, maybe the most attractive connection for the show is the lead female's body (what, superficial libido fantasies are not politically correct either? lol) cuz eye candy is often enough for me choose to watch a show more than once, at least for a little while, given the lack of originality, imagination, or interesting writing on TV, not to mention the boring conformity), but the Brooklyn pizza has to be tugging on my subconscious. Seriously. Yes, the foodie is that dominant, pizza is that important, and the personal memory of the best foodie experiences I've ever known may well be the biggest draw. I truly do not believe I want to move back there, but I definitely had a much much bigger and more rewarding social life, bigger financial success (and potential), more autonomy and responsibility in my profession, and the sense that there was a lot more intelligence around me, especially professionally (but also socially... or maybe it was the commonalities in the school system so many of the people living there shared and not any better actual education, maybe, but the awareness and social conscience and atmosphere of NYC is not like any anywhere in the world and I've always missed it), and I had all that without really trying up there (until I hermitized lol) and I did leave amazing love and devotion behind when I left (not devoted enough to come with, alas, but that ust be for the best as I would not have been happy conforming), and deeper stuff too.

See what I mean? A little extra sleep. I'll stop there for now, at least here in this brief blog, just to be irreverent, casual, cavalier, snarky, flippant, or shifts and giggles, or something like that.

Narf :)

And Then the Door Slammed

Once again they woke me early on a Saturday morning. Going out for their fast food breakfast, forgetting my bed is just a few feet from the front door. It might hep if he door jam was repaired, but the door jam is still broken allowing hot air, humidity, and bugs into the house and naturally, with my bedroom door a foot from the front door, into my sleeping area. And he wonders why I resist giving him more toward the rent. Anyway, awake, I wrote some more bits in the previous blog (which is designed to never end, like most everything I write, cuz the end is only the end if you believe in endings... did you ever noticed that we are defined as much, if not more by what we don't believe in than what we do believe in?... believe me, it's a cofugation (or confutation, depending on perspective), at least, sometimes a conundrum, even), and finally uploaded Zis, which should be an celebration celebrated by celebrities and us plain folk alike more often than annually, so feel free to join in today and sing along... Happy Birthday to Z, Happy Birthday to Z, Happy Birthday Dear Z0tl, Happy Birthday to you!

Exclaim it, even.

Motivation to rearrange (and clean a bit) the space soared this morning and the garage is redesigned to accommodate a lot more open space and stuff. I've been bouncy bouncy for at least a couple of hours, maybe longer. Do you keep track of time on weekends? All those calories from last night are burning through my system (and I do mean burning... especially the buffalo wings and the Nashville hot wings, which were the best of the three types of KFC wings I tried last night. Yes, binge eating happened, as you might be able to tell if I ever upload the previous entry lol. Some people get heartburn, but I am one of the lucky ones with a cast iron stomach and I can hardly remember ever getting heartburn in this life (must have a strong lower esophageal sphincter. I do occasionally feel assburn though. Obviously you were all (all gazillions of you dear loyal readers, fans, and other air-movers) just dying to know, and naturally I don't want you to die, so you're welcome.

This could have been a contender, but I stepped away for a while and future entries may explain why, but much was done. You should have been here, cuz then you'd already know and even more would have gotten done, and fun.

Enjoy life, in spite of the madness.

Narf :)

I Was Thinking of Z

Yes, I was thinking of you as I wrote this on the date above these words, though this was not uploaded until days later, weekends allow for time to sit and reflect, contemplate, expound, even. Gestating memories and dreams, you emerge victorious, notorious, thesaurious, as the world gets more curious (and, alas, furious) with every passing year (but humans and their foibles cannot stop the dream if we don't want them to - so don't want them to and don't let them!) number 9, number 9, you say you used to want a revolution? Ah, aging hippies don't give up the dream, they just fall asleep while dreaming. Think about that. And remember what harry said, if you just dream when you're asleep, you know, there's no way. So wake up to the genius you are (not were), right here, right now (as if this might help you do that), wherever you are, whatever you are doing (is the couch that comfortable?... really?) and celebrate (accelerate, too) moving right past all the comma (and comas) to the head of the class. Shake your ass out of the funk, for just a split moment, second, even. See the past perfect and bring it into the present as a present, gift, enlightened mint. Taste the adventure. Refresh your bios.

Smile.

You are loved.

Always.

Narf, and Happy Birthday Z.

Another Lost Night

I was going to take a shower, but I sat here watching TV and playing a couple of new games and who's an addict, what? Bloated couch potato, here. An it's not a Halloween costume either. Sleepyish, blearly blurry eyes, and fingers missing keystrokes left and write, but I just wanted to record the daily life, you know?

Softball was, well, frustrating. We gave the other team seven runs and we scored six. Literally, all seven runs were gifts on errors and people not doing to basics. Catching a ball with their foot on the based, even soft throws from five feet away. People watching the game from their positions on the field instead of playing it. We could have had at least three more runs, but base coaches and runners just watched the game, instead of playing and coaching it. So anyway, life goes on.

Home, the eating of too many calories continued one more day. I wonder what the scale would say tonight. Thursday afternoon I have another doctor's appointment and I should not eat again this week. We shall see.

Time for sleep not, a few hours, softball tomorrow and another long da are work.

Hoe your weekend w fun too.

Narf :)

Waiting To Do Laundry

I woke before noon, I believe before 10:00 AM. I did a bunch of writing, watched some TV, hung out here at the house waiting for the washer and dryer. TA had a load in the washer when I woke. I texted him when I heard the dryer and he was was out. When he came back, he restarted the dryer because it never dries an ordinary load in the 80 minutes max it can be set to. He went out again, then finally put the stuff that was in the washer into the dryer about two hours ago. What time is it? I texted again and he woke up and had to restart the dryer again. Finally, a moment ago, I can put my wash into the dryer. With a lot of dryer sheets because it's been sitting in the washer at least a half hour. I figured his stuff would be out of the dryer before the 90 minute washer was done, but he doesn't pay attention to his clothes and often keeps the washer and dryer bottled up all weekend. Last week I didn't have clean clothes for softball and bought new underwear. This week, the kids aren't here, so I was more proactive, but still it took all day. So I vent, laugh, and remember he's a good roommate and I didn't have any plans today anyway. Not like I was going to the gym, or shopping for an elliptical, right? lol.

It's what I do, write about what I do every day. I updated all of the informational posts linked on the right. Exciting, if you care. Some days are a lot more exciting that today. Some are less. The previous entry was worth staying home for. Even if no one ever tells me they read it, hopefully it will be read and amused someone someday. Even if nobody ever reads it, it amused me. That's enough, but I sure would love more (sharing, caring, amusement, meaningful dialogue, passion for creativity, love, amazing graces - anyone up for the cause? :)

Life is a wonderful place to be, in spit of what humans are doing to this world - and each other.

Make the most of being here!

Narf :)

Maybe I'm A Maze

LOL, how I love the words as they play with my mind, in my mind, around my mind, out of my mind and the laughter, oh, yes, the sweet laughter as euphoric bliss (yes, more than bliss, yes, beyond the words, yes, the magic of yes, and yes, ohhhhhhh yoookoooo yes, and yes too, yes!) simultaneously envelopes and explodes. Could you find me somewhere tonight? Could you find me in a rock? Could you find me in a sock? Could you find me in a knock knock? Knock, knock know, what's up doc? lol Whatever, you don't have to get it, I mean, it would be nice if you did, yes it would, cuz then we could share so much fun it is to write in a one horse (two horse red horse blue horse?) open to a different color sleigh too, no doubt (oh now here we go a wandering, along a mountain track, la la la lol lol lol), but if you just read and smile, that is what it is all about (hocus pokey, doodlie doo, what it all means is what it means to you).

So I didn't stop at the shrimp and soup and chocolate, oh, suddenly there was pizza and meatloaf in the house just as I was craving a cheeburger-cheeburger and so, I made a cheeseburger pepperoni pizza. Insanity has won again, and the countdown to the next weigh in continues, six days now. Foolish games, if you know the song. The songs play tonight, the songs, from the mix tapes, from the memories, oh, oh, oh, shhhhh) and the holiday and chocolate lifted me to want to share more so I partied, alone, because that's how it was. When no one is around, should I not? Who am I asking, anyway? lol. Watch a little TV, eat a lot of yummies, listen to the music (say it loud, say it clear, you can listen, but you may not hear), occasionally (rarely) conform (not really, but if you hum and few bars, I can fake anything lol). The magic of meaning may come to amaze, but what if you get lost in the purple haze? As simple as it seems the music just plays as the words lay out dreams as he childinside says maybe I'm a maze, maybe I'm a maze, maybe I'm amazed, maybe I'm a maze.

Wish you were here, not Chicago, wish you were here, in the pink, wish you were here, no embargo, wish you were here, whatcha think? lol (oh the mix tapes, #165 - #169... yes, there were many hundreds... shhhh, we mourn alone, but still, in our own special euphoria - and #39 and #62 and #95 and #115-117, and #185, and #301-305, and... oh, in the tapes, in the music, in the memories), we really ought to connect, or reconnect, sometime before we die.

and diving in to just a shred of evidence that they were there



You can listen too, but what will you hear?

We are here, were are here, we are here...

who me?

lol
Narf :)