Deeper Fatigue

Not on the elliptical yet tonight and I already had dinner. The body is fighting something, the mucous is flowing, the throat is tickling, occasional bouts of coughing dripping distraction. 49, 95, 75. Did I stutter? Sleep is challenging laying down, so I sit up and hpe sleep comes, though the body needs to lay down. Nobody to whine to, so I may as well go, laughing and my pathos.

Nite nite, ish... lol

Narf :)

More Push

9 hours on my feet, four more hours at my desk, and then, another mile on the elliptical. Tonight was tthe toughest night yet on the elliptical, pushing the time to almost 19 minutes where the previous three days were 16 minutes, just under 17 minutes, and just under 16 minutes. I stopped for some lunch, home, shrimp salad and some macaroni salad. The body needs more rest and is hungry. Yet here we are, almost 10 PM (do you know where your children are?), and I finally have time for dinner. The TV rambles on about impeachment. I wonder if there was ever a trial without a single witness called. I makes no sense to have a trial where the jury refuses to look at evidence. Ignore the indictment, just move on.

Whatever the outcome, whatever is true in this case, whatever the defendant/accused did or did not do, innocent people want witnesses at their trial support their innocence. Innocent people do not tell the witnesses not to testify. Innocent people do not tell judges or jury that they can not have witnesses at a trial. Legitimate and fair judges and juries want evidence, witnesses, truth. Has there ever been an actual trial in this county without witnesses? I think there will be witnesses. Then what? All I see is a political party war that is destroying this country. I don't see a quest for truth, justice, or what is supposed to be the American way.

All I can do is hope this country stops travelling the path of the Roman Empire. In case you don't know how that turned out, well, not well.

Meanwhile, it's time for some food. That, I can smile about.

Narf :)

Calories Count

And then there was this, and food. The excellent 300 calories day didn't last as today started off with a health lunch and some protein shakes and walking walking walking and then softball, yay, and then another mile on the elliptical. Somehow, I went looking for food and found spaghetti looking back at me. Not just spaghetti, but butter, whole butter, light mayo, and ketchup. Yes, a different kind of tomato sauce. Higher in calories than most tomato sauces.

All the walking and machine running doesn't matter much if the calories are high, especially late at night. It is late at night, right? Maybe a lot Later than we think.

Ruminate on this, please.

Narfloflopadus!

Pushing Alone

Always seems to be, sorry seems to be the hardest word. Actually, in most cases, it seems to be the easiest word. It's the word I've heard most often from the people who say they care the most about me. So day two, another mile on the elliptical after softball after a 12 hour day at work and just 300 calories. Blurry eyes stare at this screen. No response acknowledging what I am doing or going through from the texts or emails. There was a hug, thanks Jackson. When nothing else comes, she remains the BFF. Maybe she's struggling with her own lifestyle changes that she is trying to make. At least she is not alone, I hope. I've lived with people who made me feel alone, which brings me to the babbling blog meme...

...there's a flu outbreak coming, please stay healthy.

Wow, this is a bluesy entry...

Narf :)

Softball, and One Long Mile

I got to the fields at 8:30 am and left the fields at 2:00 pm and did not sit down once. Most muscles were sore, as were the feet. When I got home, I got on the elliptical and did one mile. It took almost 17 minutes. Everything hurt. I need to learn how to get the stats from the elliptical screen on into entries (it's got bluetooth, so I'll need a computer with bluetooth, at least... maybe an app on the phone will work, but then I'll have to explore how to get data from a phone app on to the computer. Security issues rise somewhere in my mind.

The body is so tired. Still, this was a good day. I tested the body and found out how out of shape it is, and it is pitifully out of shape. Still, it was a good day. I've got to have a lot more good days/ Tomorrow, full work day and then, softball. I need to get some good sleep tonight.

Soon.

Here's The Deal

This one. Read this one, then follow all the links and so on, then let me know what you think and so on, then we'll talk if you want. I'd like that, if you can be honest and open your mind.

To be continue...

Narf :)

Nothing Changed Today

The elliptical is sitting right here next to me and I didn't get on it today. I ate two slices of decadent pizza for lunch. went to get a sub and cole slaw and ate about half the sub and a quarter pound of cole slaw for dinner. I had a pile of crackers and a seafood cheese dip for a midnight snack. A large double chocolate mocha frappe from Starbucks too. All TA's influence, but my choice. Belly full, and big, no exercise. I watched TV all day and evening. Supergirl, not great and getting worse with each season, and Emergence not bad, but horrible writing flaw in the lead character development, an AI show that is way to human, and without logic, and no eye candy at all). I visited Facebook for a few minutes after midnight, and the changes keep on changing, sort of, slowly, even if they are in a hard pause today. Nobody really cares, anyway.

It is actually a couple of hours after midnight now, but this entry refers to the day of the date on in, so you know, whatever. I only mention the time because I really should be sleeping because I have softball in six hours. With all the food I ate today, I hope I won't need the bathroom on the field (because the fields we are going to have crappy bathrooms and no shade or water). Loneliness, we can blame the loneliness. As foolish as that may be, that's the most likely explanation. Feel free to dig deeper if you want to. I don't expect a response.

I really should be sleeping.

Narf :)

Life, Recorded

This is the blog referred to in the record of a life blog, which explains what it is, so you can click on the link to find out what it is and a whole lot more background information and links related to the daily blogs I maintain in these written gardens online, but be that as it may or may not be (I do encourage you to go and click and read and click and read {and repeat and repeat and repeat... ... ... and so on, but I don' feel like linking moea th moment, especially when changes are happening ll over these written gardens these days... are you excited and stimulated and motivated to click and read more?... there's always hope :) ), today is a sleepy morning and it may be time for a morning nap, since I woke with the sunrise.

Instead of a nap, I got up and cleaned a bit, chatted with TA, Cooked up the leftover pizza for lunch, and now, am munching on M&Ms and awake, typing these words. So the primary blogs that record this life have been linked in this entry (that was also linked above), so if you want to see the record of this life, you now have a path. In case it matters. I hope it does :)

How are you?

Step One Fail lol

Ok, so I shouldn't be laughing, but after jumping right on it for the first five minutes, because, after all, it had to be tested, in my great excitement, I did, we ordered pizza to celebrate, and I got an extra meatball sub, and workout snacks (see photo below), and then proceeded to sit next to it, watching TV (Supergirl and the whole DC universe shows really suck, in spite of the eye candy, but then, I was never a fan of any the good-evil war-like stories in any genre, even comics, even as a little kid, I mean, I never got into Star Wars, in spite of peer pressure and your gasps lol), all night LOL. Feel free to admonish me, lovingly, of course.

Maybe I'll use it in the morning lol... wait it is morning. Yeah, so? lol.

I love it when I wake up randomly laughing.

Narf :)

Message In A Bottle

I drop the hints, not left, not right, not politics, not dark, not light, the hints I drop, without fanfare, lead to a truth, I long to share, a dream appears, that someone hears, that someone cares, that someone shares, without the fears, without dispairs, just someone cares, just someone shares. So much being left behind, but who has time, who has time, so much in out of my mind, rhythm and rhyme, reason and rhyme, does it matter, anywhere, to anyone, believe in love, and honesty, say, can you see... inside of me... all that can be... reality.

In case it matters, I am here. Wanting to love, wanting to care. Wanting to help, wanting to share. Wanting to give... so what do you need?

An incomplete rhyme, a simple seed.

Narf :)

It's Here

And the excitement continues to build...

17 Hours to the Elliptical

If I mention Dr Who, what would you do? I'd be excited if I was not so sleepy. I am so excited, I am joying for jump. Once upon a babblefish, on the stars we made a wish. Could OCD be the life for me? No more honestly, ADD. Could we be doing this on purpose? Why I write, when all the world distracts tonight... impeachment? What will the evidence say? What will the witnesses say? I'm listening. That is what a fair trial is about, right? That is what justice is about, right? Review the evidence and decide. Impeachment, thy distracteth me. I should not be laughing, but the corruption is so obvious that the three monkey trial is farcely absurdly amusing. Where are the political cartoonists? Can you hear the shouts of the sky is falling, the sky is falling! from one side and the silence of see, hear, and speak no evil, as the wealthy consolidate their power, as the fall of the empire continues. We be de judges.

Meanwhile, when you ignore the obvious, you only facilitate your ignorance. Hypocrisy, thy name is Senators. Might as well be enjoying drugs. Have we given up? Or are you just sleeping? Weeping, creeping, peeping, deeping... Maybe, maybe I'm wrong... I didn't really watch it. Did you? Maybe I'm amazed. Very long day, so much fun it is to write, policies, processes, programming codes. No pause at the work desk, can you feel the love tonight?

Finally, some food, some rest, some mind numbing news and a bit of babble. Sweet escape.

15 hours to the elliptical and the body cries out for some sleep.

Still, so many promises left to keep.

No fear, go deep.

Creep.


Narf :)

Cleaning Up The Corner

The elliptical will need a place and the corner it will live in was full of stuff, a big table with all sorts of stuff on it, waiting to be sorted. So instead of going to bed, I started moving the boxes and stuff on the table and table and hopefully I didn't make too much noise, cuz the kids are asleep (though the little one is in TA's bed in the back of the house). So the corner is clear of stuff and even swept. In 36 hours, the elliptical should be here. I should try to get a good night sleep tomorrow night then, aye?

I can get about three hours tonight.

Narf :)

Dragging It Out

The change that the body needs keeps stuttering, staggering, stopping. I almost made it through the day. Two yogurts, two protein drinks, less than 400 calories. Then, around midnight, a big bag of chips. The kids are here so I didn't want to make noise in the kitchen. I don't focus enough, I don't do enough, I don't exercise enough, I don't remember enough. I need to remember. I need t remember...

One day to the elliptical.

Narf :)

Fat Fat Fat Fat

The pants might not fit tomorrow. I may be back to the 38 inch waste, and that might not fit either. Madness ensues. Just like the country I live in. Watching the Senate vote on strict party lines, I rambled. History. Moscow Mitch and proves Putin won.

The saddest thing of all is most of the country may never even know what happened, really.

We've all become so fat, we don't care anymore.

Nite Nite...

Sunday Night, Actually Monday Night

Yes, so, napping right after dinner, I started heading for bed, but decided to tidy up a bit instead. So an hour later the dishwasher is emptied the kitchen counters are clear, mostly, and my tables in the living room or clearer, and I took some garbage out, and I'm laying in bed... seeing if I can go back to sleep. Using talk to text, and it is doing its usual crap and not even scrolling so that I can see what I'm saying on the screen, and every apostrophe is "'" so let's avoid contractions, m'ok?.

It would be nice to have someone to talk to right now. So I starting talking to text instead, blogging, writing. I don't do it for hours each day as I used to, but I feel better when I do, so I really should get back to writing to myself, if not to others. It is not that I have anything in particular to talk about, it is just that cleaning, laundry (which is incomplete cuz I stopped to let TA does the kids clothes cuz their mom's washer is broken again) and everything is sometimes is more fun when somebody shares it. Next weekend, though I will be rearranging the living room stuff some time in the next three evenings so I can clear the elliptical corner.

The temperature is supposed to go way down tonight so that tomorrow the high is about 50. I know that is not very cold for a lot of people up north, but for around here it is bad as cold gets. Heat is not, on but TA said he put it on last night so he might put it on that tonight if he wakes up. I don't feel a need at the moment.

I need to dress warm for work tomorrow, and I have to look up when the softball game is tomorrow night, and dress warm for that too. Alas, it is back to work again in a few hours. Tuesday, as today (Monday) was a holiday. It just feels more like a Sunday night.

Only a few more days until the elliptical arrives. I am hoping that it arrival will motivate the cleaning of the living room and more importantly a change in the diet. This week And was another pig out and there still a several pound bag of M&Ms sitting next to my recliner. Well the expense and presence of the elliptical be the motivation, I hope?

In case it matters.

Narf :)

Food, TV, Games...

The ellipsis represents the elliptical to come. Four days. The food was leftover Chinese. I forgot the oven stuff, so over-done (not quite burnt, but dried out crisped) shrimp and spring rolls. Still, good for leftovers from a C- take out place. There's ice cream and chocolate shell too, and cleaning up to do, and still more laundry, but I sit and watch Supergirl (more with my ears than my eyes, half an ear at that) and type words. New game, I did not mention the new game. It's called Break Bricks. Non-stop play ensued. Level 361.

An extra day off is a sweet thing, even when there's nothing to do and no one around.

Hope you are enjoying yours, Wherever you are, whenever it is.

Narf :)

At Least There Were No Chips

Yes,, hungover from yesterday's sugar party, the food binge is back to a bad peak again. Even with caffeine for the first time in a long time this weekend. Without exercise. So there it is, recorded, in case I wonder why I end up in the hospital. Four days to the elliptical, so he three pound bag of M&Ms and everything else should be gone by then.

Laughter is the madness of the self-indulgent.

Will it actually change the lifestyle and purchasing habits (indulgent purchases are a huge part of the cause)? Will the food babbling go back to the food blog and the body babbling go back to the body blog where they belong? Will Trump lead a multi-denominational school prayer to show he is really trying to support the constitution? These and other story lines will be decided in the ext episode, same batty time, same batty channel.

I remember the times I would not go to bed without running a few miles, or fifteen, just to burn off extra energy. The night, the quiet, that was my favorite running time. After the party, and there was always a party (and a lot more than sugar was passed around in those days), I'd run home from wherever the party was and often just keep going another few miles, or more, just cuz it felt so good. Maybe I'll get back there again one day.

Meanwhile, there's nothing else going on. I slept past no one for the second day in a row, but unfortunately, did not get to bed until after 7:00 AM this morning, so it was not exactly extra sleep I did nod off in the recliner for a while. So a bit butt-tired and bored, and naturally, for me, lonely.

No wonder I'm indulging in this self-indulgent babble.

And food.

Narf :)

Sunday Feast and Football

Leftover Chinese is the fod, but the feast is Magnum double chocolate and chocolate shell and M&M and Molten Chocolate Latte Iced Espresso (bzzzzzzz.. I wanna stay awake to watch the Conference Final games since they are on CBS and I have access to that) lol. All that is missing is some football talk, with a little commercial talk (cuz Conference Finals, and especially Superbowls, is when companies attempt their most creative commercials). While it may not be a winner overall, I did chuckle at the delivery of the "What's the car doin?" line, if you know what I mean.

While I can justify rooting for Tennessee because they beat the Brady (who's been my favorite football player for a long time and got on my radar when I first saw him at Michigan), go KC!

Bzzz... bzzz... bzzzzz...

Narf lol :)

Changes Happen

Sad to say goodbye to Youtube becuse the greed ruined a good thing for me and for humanity. Humans seem to do it a lot in the collective madness they accept as reality today. Like believing that 110 pound women are drinking three or four large shots of scotch in less than 60 seconds and pouring more is a trope that turns me off most TV and movies, especially when they are supposedly amazingly healthy, fit, and powerful women. Ditto men. Anyway, Supergirl fails there.

Anyway, watching TV, doing more laundry, and Chinese food. ried a ne place. It's ok, just not going back for several reasons. Empty crab rangoons, Soup only fair. Shrimps medium. Fried rice shrimp extra small and not abundant. No specific reason to return and plenty to pass it by. Still, with extra duck sauce, yum.

6 days to the elliptical.

Narf :)

Social Eating

As much as I love to self-indulge and eat alone (where no one can judge me by appropriate diet or logic or manners or anything and I can let animal instincts devour whatever food I am eating), I still enjoy social eating too. Today was a rare social eating day. They only happen a few times a month, sometimes less. Small southern American buffet, ok food, if you're in the mood, and good price.

Meanwhile, this week, I am binge watching Supergirl. Eh.

And doing a ton of laundry.

How about you?

Narf :)

Good Morning Afternoon

Saying good morning to the afternoon, what a delightfully restful feeling lol. Just waking in the past half hour or so, TA spoke of food, so we may go out. The little one is here, so she will choose and dominate, as usual. It was quiet when I woke, but the minute we started talking her TV or tablet volume went up to fill the house with whatever show she is watching. Some show full of chattering kids, like Full or Fuller House, or a Disney show. She's a chattering kid herself and likes to talk, so I suppose alone, she likes to hear voices. I do keep the TV on in the No comments:

As The Time Goes By

Not only does it really not matter if I'm wrong or right, but time really isn't going by. Unless we see ourselves as standing still and time more like a river. Maybe. We can also see time as a static field that we are passing through. And would we even be able to conceptualize time if we had no memory? Time is a construct we use to organize memory, ind of like a filing system. Each of us have a linear filing cabinet and memories mark time.

Anyway, as the time goes by, or as we pass through the time, or as whatever, I am realizing, by looking at (assessing, analyzing, comparing) memories by reviewing history as recorded in the blogs, that... I may have forgotten what I was realizing as the time goes by, or as we pass through time, or as whatever...

TA came in and we discussed food or something. And the kids are here and the little one is seldom silent and almost always seeking attention and dominating the space, so quiet solitary me-time is not available when the kids are here, but having little life energy around is a good thing too.

Anyway, again, as the time goes by, or as we pass through the time, or as whatever, I am realizing (by assessing and all that)... I'm drawing a blank. Maybe I was realizing that nothing really changes (isn't there a song or few?), or nothing really matters (there's definitely a few songs), or maybe even the futility of it all. Especially alone, living through obscurity (ooooh, there's a title for an autobiographical novel, or something like a Hitchhiker's Guide, or whatever).

Fatigue. Midnight cheesy spaghetti, Carb coma. Sleep.

Nite nite.

Narf :)

Don't Worry, You Don't Have to Care

It really doesn't matter if you do or don't, even though some days I beg for it, a scrap of attention, a little love, endless devotion, you know, even though some days it may seem like I am self-destructing in the hope that someone might care to intervene, save me, you know, in the end, I'll do as I please. The independence returns with the wind, like an answer, blowing all the pretentious self-pathetic fears and doubt away. If I am lucky, I'll keep it up for another few decades, or centuries. Never give up, never surrender. Be strong.

The yogurts and protein drinks are old and taste like it, but if I don't get sick tonight, I have enough to return to the sub-500 calorie days for a while. They are just old enough to turn off my appetite. Call it the little stomach ache diet. Hey, it's better than the laxative diet. Softball Monday, softball Tuesday, on the feet with much walking for 8 hours Wednesday (enough to be a bit stiff this morning), and more softball Thursday. Thump Day, thump thump.

Narf :)

Pigs in Blankets and More

Yes, another food intrusion into the daily blog, right here, right now, you see it, right? Party at Tinman's girlfriend's clubhouse and I pigged out in spite of being bloated before arriving. I didn't eat all day because I felt so bloated, but the buffet style pot-luck was, as an old song says, simply irresistible. Pasta, cheese, barbecue, rolls, rice, more pasta, meatballs, franks in blankets, quiche, barley, pizza, fried cauliflower bites, and more... then cookies. I had seconds and thirds of everything. Yes, bloated beyond bloated. Fool.

And it was all cold, so I would call anything delicious. Ridiculous.

Anyway, the usual crowd hung around after the food and we had the white elephant gift exchange. I ended up with two gifts because someone didn't want theirs and they gave theirs to me. I'll be re-gifting both lol. A lot of people exchanged gifts or left their gifts behind. I suppose we don't gift well as a group. After the gift exchange a small few of us played games. we cleaned up and left around midnight.

And here I am. bloated. stuffed. Looking for chocolate.

Shush.

Narf :)

Erred

Yeah, so whatever. The fat girl in the corner of the room knows the refrigerator is her best frenemy. So mistakes can be made in avoiding mistakes, delays are inevitable, even if there was no procrastination or business or distraction. Whether we find Marina, Malina, Milla, or Mila in our bed, there's room for all of us because he bed is in our mind. They understand. Being aware. Sharing a collective mind with a singular perspective in common. Being different is not always easy, but it's the only way to be... for one who is different. Learned today that the The fat guy at the gym store really didn't didn't know what he was talking about when he sent me the quote for the elliptical. I'd have returned the machine was selling me because it wasn't what I asked for. Back to the $4,000+ model. More time. More weight. More errs. One really must be careful and alert when making decisions all alone.

So what's life like in your world today?

Narf :)

Blurred

It is actually after midnight now. This week was blurred. More than 70 hours at work. More than 3000 calories a day, I think. Bloated tonight, again, and maxing out on the weight limits once again, but too tired and distracted to pay attention to a healthy diet. Just indulging the taste buds and sugar highs and fried food cravings and whatever. Work and food, that's all there was this week. Only TA knows, and e has he same food habits that I do. Dangerous roommate, perhaps, but the lack of healthy influence from anyone I know is no help. Jane did text a couple of times, I think. At least once. It's been a lonely week, not taking a moment for myself, so not noticing the lack of communication and not reaching out myself. A lot accomplished at work though, with more to come next week as the major project dominates, as the live implementation rolls out.

Were's you been?

Narf :)

A Week of Filler

But are they weak? That is a question (or whatever, aye?) I will leave for you and posterity. For me, well, the distractions weaken confidence in my personal judgment. So anyway, the extra entries may seem out of place, or perhaps they are seasoning for an otherwise mundane repetitiously redundant daily blog that isn't quite daily anymore, if it ever way, or perhaps they, along with everything else, amounts to little more (or less) than meaningless drivel lost forever and never noticed by you, posterity, or anyone, but they are here (they are here they are here), something like the who down in whoville, waiting for their very own Horton. Who? What?

We coulda been contenders, ya know?

Just in case you noticed, I just wanted to confirm there were a lot of filler entries posted long after the dates stamped, just because I sometimes have extra wods in my head and no place else to put them. I mean, when one has well over a hundred different open blogs (and then some), starting a new one for no apparent reason, on a sort of whim, just because there are some extra rather random words floating about in the brain, well, that seems like a bit of wasted spread. Whatever that means. Everything has profound meaning to someone, after all. And almost every entry could have at least a punctuation mark of profound meaning for me.

Us? Well, that would be up to you too, right? Snagglepuss had a great exit line, ya know?

In any case, event, or circumstance, you could click Older Post down below at least a couple of dozen times (or so) and then you would see for yourself. Even if you didn't want to judge.

You might have called, I mean, if you wondered.

So now you know.

Maybe.

Narf :)

Without Merit or Reason (Just Because)

This one is like tat, whatever that is (perhaps a reference to the title and then some, whatever some is), but be that (or this) as it may or may not be or to be, whatever the question, there are those times, and perhaps these are some of them, that not only try the souls (or soles, depending on how many parentheses we must walk through), but test the virtue of one's curiosity. Tenacity required, but not necessarily included.

It was a slow start to the new year as procrastination continued to deepen and the self-indulgent dietary escapes continued to consume much hope and reason (not to mention health). Chocolate, naturally, but heavy on the southern Italian and mixed Chinese too. More bread and ice cream (though not in the same bowl) added flavor (and calories) along the way. Stop be before I explode, or die, even.

Don't worry, be happy, and carry on.

Narf :)

When You Least Expect It

Just when you expected this blog to be what it was meant to be, a daily life record of daily life, and assorted sundries (whatever goes through my head related to daily life without babbling on, cuz babbling on belongs in the babbling daily, in case you forgot), along comes random retrospection, introspection, and various diversions, distractions, and doodles (of the literary persuasion). Maybe its the time of year. Maybe it's the year of life. When I get older, loosing my hair... will anyone care? People just play with each others heads as they play with their own, consciously and subconsciously.

Don't let it get you down, it's only castles burning. Picklefaces unite!

Or something like that.

Narf :)

Filling In The Gaps Again

Every time I turn on the news I see people in fear, people filled with hate, violence and manipulations, the news brings me so many unpleasant sensations. The world of humans brings me sadness. So much self-destruction. As much as I want to share and not be alone all the time, I don't want to get close to people anymore. I don't trust humans. I used to trust, so blindly, so completely, and then I stopped. I gave my all, put my life in someone else's hands more than ones, and each time I was left for dead, literally. Remembering can still hurt. Forgetting can hurt even more.

Is there anybody going to listen to our story...

Narf :)

Food, Football, Fun

The fun is mostly in my head, alone, as the food was fun while it lasted, but the hunger returns only hours later as I watch the football playoffs and lament over the pathetic performance of my favorite quarterback (though it's largely his inadequate receivers). And most off all, they were badly out-coached. At home, no less.

Dinner as delicious, the Mikado buffet. Not cheap, and not the best night for it (though still excellent), but seriously delicious on almost every mark. So after the disappointing game, I headed to the store to get some midnight snacks and more than a thousand calories of sugar and chocolate and fat later, bzzzzzz.

Tomorrow morning is softball practice, but I do not feel like sleeping tonight. Watching TV, wasting away, ahhh, look at all the lonely people...

Barf :)

Five Days In

Or maybe four, but who's counting? The TV is getting louder in the other living room as the little on plays with the remote. She is probably trying to wake her dad as she is sitting in there by herself. She does it a lot and I wonder if she has hearing issues. It is quite distracting when the TV is suddenly shouting. She's watching Scooby Do. The rain woke me, as it pounding on my bedroom windows, but I can barely hear the rain now that I am in my living room, especially when the volume of the TV in the other living room is turned up. So the environs dominate the thoughts as I wake on the Saturday... morning? A few minutes to noon is still morning, right? lol.

Yeah, this is how this year starts, as the kids were here for the Eve (their mom must have wanted to go out and dad is her built in babysitter), I didn't pay attention to the clock and skipped a few parties, happy to have a day off to rest) and all day New Years day, even though it was not a quiet relaxing space with the kids and the dog here too. Work filled the second and third days of this new year, as I was at my desk by 7 and still at my desk at the other 7, still working on the project. TV with headphones gave a sense of me time last night, though TV me time is not the me time I was seeking this morning as I woke to the rain after lots of sleep.

So I turned to the earbuds and my TV and vented the waking frustration (fueled by some transference, I suppose, but that's sort kinda what this entry is about, isn't it? lol) and now, more into my head (and maybe more into my hear as Dire Strait's Romeo & Juliet caught my consciousness for verse or few) and less distracted (yes, this is less distracted than I was when I woke and first sat down here lam), I shall see what the day shall bring. A shower is on the agenda, as is a very light lunch (as dinner with Helen is on the schedule for later and I think we may pick a buffet). And the fourth song on this Youtube-created playlist is This Morning...

How wonderfully ironic lol lam layt lal laa :)

Naf :)

She Loves You, Yeah

Yeah, yeah? Did yu see her yesterday? Who is she? Where is she? Dream lover, where are you? Don't be cruel, to a heart that's true. My people, your people, us verses them. I don't want any part of taking sides. Who can understand? Who can walk that line? Without magic or superheros, with just reason and rhyme. Sharing everything honestly in each moment in this space and time. Before we completely lose interest in the freedoms and rights we take so for granted, before they are gone, can we live together in peace? Imagine...

Will you find me this year?

Narf :)

Not Sleeping Again

And working too long, too many hours for others and not enough for myself, once again, caught in the loop of pushing the waking hours too tired to focus on clarity, but too lonely to sleep alone. Too lonely to sleep alone. So I sit up and wander through nothing, whatever, and watch banal TV, and OD on sugar and fats till I coma, just trying to escape and forget and not feel as this life wastes away. Still I do a lot of good for many other every day. Good heart, good man, good life, no plan, just a dream of sharing love and caring for someone who shares the same dream... just a dream of sharing love and caring for someone who cares for me.

That's all i want from life... is that too much to ask?

There's always hope... I hope...

Narf :)

I Was Not Here

I don't know where I was, I don't remember. It was the day after, the last December. So many celebrate, I simply sit and wait, don't underestimate, or masturbate, just contemplate. All around me I see so much unnecessary guilt-ridden drama, might as well be in a coma, living life like a comma. Lost in a pause without cause or any depth of reason, from season to season, while their leaders treason, abandoned disseizin, pray for a savior instead of behavior that change their lives. Accepting their fate as if it is too late to survive. As if they are in a car that someone else drives. But even knowing better, to share all we can do, is hope for the one who who will share to arrive.

Are you there?

Narf :)