The Eve

I'm here partly to let you know that you shouldn't let yesterday's entry raise your blood pressure or increase any stress, in case it did, you know, in case it matters. The body has to adjust to the change in diet. I've decided to start the supplements again, apple cider vinegar, cinnamon and chromium, raw potato starch, and I added fenugreek to the mix. It was just sitting there on the shelf as I was looking for the apple cider vinegar. Stopping because I wanted to see if my skin issue was being caused by the supplements is over. Dropping eight is a priority now. Tomorrow I see lab results and expect the weight gain to reflect poorly on the lab values. Cutting out fats, breads, cakes, most carbs, almost anything with unnecessary calories. Chicken, salmon, tuna, clams, shrimp, and veggies. After a few weeks I'll add some fruit and maybe, once a week, some pasta and cheese. This is a good week for change.

The title has so much meaning it could take a year to figure out how to explain it... maybe longer.

The deepest deeps, the highest highs, life... and so it goes.

Narf :)

Body Phew

I have not maintained contact with my own body blog (and linking it here should get me to update, eventually) where I had this idea of keeping in touch with this body and this morning, instead of updating and getting more in touch with the body which would have been wise since I almost collapsed after work last night but went to sleep and slept almost 10 hours instead), I spent an hour and a half (at least) being distracted by this girl.

Time to go to work now.

Narf :)

Straight To Bed

A long day out of the office. Inspecting a citizen's home to see if the damage claimed was legitimate. After that I checked a few parks, spoke to park directors, did some shopping. A full day of driving around. I finally caved in and ate food, the Chinese buffet for dinner. I barely made it to the bathroom. Typical reaction after a Chinese buffet after a few day fast. Just faster than usual lol, pun intended. I was wonky and washed quickly and laid down. Was asleep within minutes and slept though more than ten hours until morning (which will be tomorrow... I'm psychic, obviously) and the next entry.

Changing diets suddenly takes it's toll.

Narf :)

Weekly Work and Softball, Weakly

The work was, as usual, full of enjoyable tasks. A full day at the office, again. Not good for the rash, too much sitting still, but things need to get done. Databases, reports, monitoring... safety officer stuff happens on the computer too. After work, softball. Two games, two loses, we finish the season without a win. The second game was close, 13-12, but the other team was toying with us until the last inning when they scored eleven runs. Ridiculous coaching and even with him paying for everyone, only six of the original eighteen people showed up to play. Two more showed up who were added mid-season. We still had to pick up a player so we wouldn't forfeit. Ridiculous, but free. I hung out to watch a friend's team play the last game - upper division, they won. I don't want to play upper division anymore. At least Monday's team ad a good season finishing second to a team that blew everyone out. I may have mentioned that.

I stopped eating Sunday night. Fasts begin suddenly like that. Be careful this time.

Feel free to care and let me know I'm not alone cuz...

Narf :)

Not Pasta Day

Well, there is hope this will not be a pasta day. It's been about 48 hours since I ate, 48 hours zero calories. Eating tonight would not be wise for the weight loss program that has not actually begun, at least not intentionally. It'll take months. One day at a time. Maybe some chicken and veggies and soup. It was a typical day at work, all desk work, but typical. I was going to go shopping tonight, but I got back here and Eb was blocking the way again playing the video game. I'm not even sure if he went to work, the addiction is constant. I needed the bathroom and did not feel like getting dressed again. So on went the TV and here I sit.

Turning the corner (actually doing a 180) is not easy, but sometimes it is the only way.

Past a day, get it? lol.

Narf :)

Past a Day

Not lost, but past. Watched TV and rested and listened to Eb play a video game, a war game without end that he has been playing non-stop since he bought it last week. Addiction to war and death is so not like his personality, but it just goes to show even the gentlest most timid humans crave war and killing. It is a very unhealthy environment in even more ways now, but the good news, for me at least, is I am almost completely unaffected. I think I will not eat tonight. I did not eat today. It may be time for a fast. The last one put me in the hospital, almost hurt me, but I played softball without in 95 sun on a 100+ degree field without replenishing enough electrolytes. Tomorrow I have two softball games scheduled in the cool evening, though the last three games were forfeited which doe not bode well for tomorrow night.

Still, the will power must be nurtured as it is trying to be reborn.

Be careful.

Narf... :)

Local Fun

Today's scavenger hunt was fun. Met new people, a few old friends, maybe I'll see them again. The best thing about it was that it was local. Unfortunately, they are all drinkers. Laundry is spinning and food is heating up and I am spending a relaxing Saturday night here. Eb is gued to his new Xbox One. The living room is still blocked so I have to keep stepping over his stuff to get out the door and back inside, but he finally moved to a chair directly in front of the TV so I dont have to ask him to pause when I pass.

FYI - I may not have internet after November 30. Eb does not want to pay $70 for it. If I have no more internet here I will send check email and upload writings from work and the motivation to get out of here will be much more powerful as I will have no TV to distract me from this unhealthy living environment. Silver linings are good. He's still a very nice non-intrusive guy and I am still a few short blocks from work and nothing (room, house, or roommate) is appearing in my searching, so we shall see :)

Still having fun, even without the one. :)

So how was your day? :)

Narf :)

Sleep, Shower, Application

Wrote the detailed entry for last night after waking and showering. Another day waking after noon. A shorter shower than I'd have liked, but Eb is very water-usage conscious these days because the last water bill somehow showed usage increased by 250% which makes no sense unless I really was showering, doing laundry, and washing dishes a whole lot less before last month. That is possible. That is not healthy or moving in or living here comfortable, but it is possible. He seldom showers, does laundry, or washes dishes - very unsanitary. I expect the water bill to be high again this month because I am increased my sanitary habits. Not where I'd like the, but better than the minimal I was doing to try to acclimate to his home. I applied extra cream to the buttocks because the rash itched more after sitting in the hard theatre seats and only showering once yesterday. Too much detail for this brief daily blog? You should see what the blog meant for the dirt, drama, and details shares. If you are not laughing, you really ought to ask yourself why you are here.

You're welcome, in any case. Time to head out to a scavenger hunt. Have fun today.

Narf :)

Wonderful Show

And so it was... Love Never Dies was excellent. I felt like I had seen it before, but I believe the cast said this was the first touring production so I apparently didn't. It was a fitting sequel to a great show. For the love of music. For the love of love. I showered after writing most of the day and then headed to Izzy's place. She drove and we parked and walked t the Dr. Phillip's Center and then hiked up four flights to the top balcony. The acoustics were a major disappointment. This was supposed to be the replacement venue, state of the art. Fail. The show, however, was state of the art. See it if you can.

Stopped for food on the way home and so there is food in the fridge now. Watched TV most of the night. Fun

Hope you are having fun too.

Narf :)

And I Did It Again

It being adding to me massive missives on the Diaryland. You had to be there. Don't fret, you still can be. It'll just take you time. And a lot of reading. Meanwhile, besides babbling on after returning back here last night and continuing after waking today (I think I woke about 2:00 PM... yeah, when I sleep in, I do it right), I showered. That's right, all I've done so far today is write and shower. A wonderful day off, from my perspective. You can read the diaryland entry and see if it's as wonderful for you. Be forewarned though, especially if you think you know me offline, I am throwing caution to the wind more often and not editing out my thoughts and feelings about real life and the real people in it. I figure those who care will know I mean no harm and am simply leaving my mark on the world without inhibition and those who don't, well, sad they may leave but that is life. If you wanna leave, take good care.

I've gotta be me, after all. Someday we'll all understand. I suppose I forgot to thank Dan, Walter, Melissa, Cat, and so many others in that entry.

Enjoy your day. Hope you keep in touch.

Narf :)

We Are All Broken Here

I wonder (deeper here) if I know anyone who is not broken inside. Maybe I don't. Of the people I call friends who are within thirty minutes of where I live, there is no potential running partner. There is no potential exercise and sports partner. There is no potential intimate. There is no one who can fulfill my mind or heart or anima. Am I too broken to attract anyone who can help me heal? Misery does not like company in my mind.

Wow, this is not the usual fare here, in case it matters. The dinner was typical Thanksgiving food, not my favorite, but good. The company was mixed and sad. I may be moving a bit closer to Izzy as she enjoys shows so we are going to see Love Never Dies tomorrow. I don't know her well enough to have already shared how I relate to love and relationships and people, no less the Phantom story or music, but perhaps we will share and bond a bit more tomorrow. I certainly would like a new close friend who can share a serious conversation. Can she understand me?

There's always hope.

Narf :)

Thanks Again

Today is a bipolar day for me as this holiday and my knowledge and experience is in opposition. I try to be positive and am happy when I find some reality that helps me point out how challenging that is when aware. Facebook has it's dual edged sword when I seek one. Still, I am thankful today and every day (and nights too) for the life I experience cuz life is wondrous. Today the phone has been calling me a lot and it is good to have some well wishes there. I wrote letters and relaxed all day and soon will be heading to a friendsgiving dinner. Rolls and butter are my contribution so far. Hope you are enjoying your day.

Narf :)

Again, AM

12:04, to be precise, but let that not deprive yesterday of this entry as it was a very long day of fun and exercise and food and writing and football and softball and more food and more writing. I just wrote two letters to two new pen pals and hopefully the correspondence will continue. I should keep track like I used to for I can count on easily losing track, getting lost, and forgetting who is who if I don't. Maybe tomorrow, evening, late.

Sleepy now.

Where Are You Now?

Who me? I'm right here on my writing soapbox as I almost always am. Sometimes closer to "Real Time" and sometimes just filling in dates with whatever comes to mind whether it is actually daily life events or some odd random thought that passes through my head with or without point or reason. I've been listening to Beatles talk recently and reminiscing about musical experiences big and small and missing that a whole lot, but not sadly, very joyfully (for a change). I love my laments but also love my memories and dreams and it is wonderful when they come without the longing, when focus is on what was and what is rather than what was is is missing, ya know? John's (Lennon) voice and mind easily brings me back there, as does Harry's (Chapin). Maybe it's the time of year lol lam. Mostly, it's hope, gotta love hope :)

It is time to shower and head out to lunch with Helen and friends and then to softball and then, nothing planned. I may come back ere and give myself some me time as most Saturday nights lately have been out with others. Last night was a fun night out with others so it seems fair and the social longing is pretty low for the moment. Not that the infinite desire for the one ever wanes, but it's such a positive feeling today... who knows, maybe she's waiting at the restaurant at the table next to us... I mean, she has to love seafood and buffets, right? lol. :)

I hope your day is smiling as much as mine :)

Narf :)

After Midnight

It is, actually, an hour after midnight in spite of what the time date stamps says. Dinner, games, party, and a movie on a Friday night really starts the weekend off full of fun and gives it a sense of endurance, as if the weekend is longer than it usually is... I've already had enough fun and stimulation and socialization to make life rewarding and satisfying and fun and happy. Alone again after the party, lonely, yes, but no feeling of sadness or depression at all. Just a whole lotta joy to the world (and amusing silly shaking) going on. Wonderful way to end the work week.

Another accident interrupted an otherwise quiet day and once again, our driver was not at fault and most importantly, no one was seriously hurt. I went out to reassure everyone they were doing the right thing (following policies and documenting everything appropriately). Back here to eat lunch and relax a bit (the reason I am still here, the convenience of being able to stop in my room and bathroom and shower if I need to), then back to the office. After work Tinman's daughter's birthday party at a pizza and games place then Murder On The Orient Express, a rare trip to the movies. I miss movies. Back here to summarize here.

Before I conclude, I feel fat. Not bloated, fat.

Just need to document that.

Narf.

Drowning In Food

The food junkie continues can after can. The belly bloats, I'm a fat man. Write a song about the fool. Somebody will think it's cool. Even suicide is cool. I mean, in case it matters. This seems to be the theme song these days and stealing time from sleep to write about it doesn't help at all. Still, work is a rewarding pleasure and after work is a TV escape. Even in all caps for some database ind of reason, the lineup fills the week... NCIS: LA, DISCOVERY, WISDOM OF THE CROWD, SCORPION, NCIS, NCIS: NO, BULL, CRIMINAL MINDS, SALVATION, BIG BANG, YOUNG SHELDON, MACGYVER, CHANCE, BLINDSPOT, ORVILLE, and more when more returns (you've been here, right?). Did you ever wonder why I continue here? Anybody? Bueller?

I think I'm gonna miss you for a long long time.

If only calgon was here to take me away...

Narf :)

One More Day (and Night)

Birthdays like Xmas and I'm Tiny Tim (which one of you could understand him?)... I want the Beatles to come back again. Meanwhile, I did the work day thing with due diligence and minimal fanfare and I wouldn't ask for more there, but then back out in the world alone I long for the dream, for the hope, for the love... will I ever fall in love again, I wonder. Will anyone ever fall in love with me? Wonder like thunder, where is the lightening? The neck is sore. Blood pressure high. Ear is screaming. Body needs sleep. Heart needs love. Heart needs love. Buried in fat, losing the race, lost in the mind, nowhere, no place, does it all show n my face?

Hopefully I'll stop the suicide before it's too late.

Doesn't anybody want to listen to my story? So tired. Help! (the Beatles understood). Yesterday.


Happy Birthday Barb... Happy Birthday Ray
Happy Birthday Every One

Narf. :)

Somewhere In Between

Sometimes surprises are fun. When my own writing surprises me, that's wonderful. What you might see in yet another letter to yet another new potential friend could be something that has nothing to do with me or anything I might have intended to communicate or it might be something autobiographical even if you are not aware of it or something else entirely or partially or minimally or not at all or somewhere in between.

Another fine day at work and then, headed to dinner and a meeting with the ratings committee at a restaurant. Yummy, and the assistant commissioner of the league paid. Bribery? Generosity? Both? Well, the world still whirls around. After dinner I went to eat at Taco Bell. That's right, I gave into the craving. Fool, bloated fool. I'm probably up to 230 pounds. Don't remember being this big. Fool, stupid fool.

So why am I so happy?

Narf :)

Turn Around Softball

I know, it was a work day and it was another good work day as I spent the morning doing some desk work and spent the afternoon driving around checking out parks and who knows what (there's a list somewhere on my desk, but this blog is not about work reports, at least not today) and enjoyed the day. Loving a job is such a blessing. Hope I keep this one lol (not funny, fool lam). After work I headed to softball and we played the second place team and it was a really good game and we ended up winning, a big surprise, and so after starting out 0-4 we finished the season 6-4 in third place and we will place the second place team (same team again) next week in the playoffs. Hopefully we will play as well as we did this week.

So how was your Monday the 13th?

Narf :)

Demolition Softball

Well, the win-less streak continues as I headed to softball and we lost two more games big. The team is that unskilled. They seem to have fun though, so I'll keep trying to help them learn. I am so much more at peace and happier and satisfied and feeling rewarded and appreciated than I ever was on the team I gave all the blood, sweat, tears, and years to. They can have the drama (and they certainly do) and I'll enjoy the new experience of carefree fun.

After softball I drove around a bit because Eb was having a group of people over to watch football and eat and I wanted to give him some space. I spoke to a couple of friends and then got back about 5:30 and nobody was here. Apparently plans changed. I listened to some football until he switched to another station and then watched TV in my room while vegetating or maybe I wrote a thing or two.

Fun and aimless weekend. Just like some of them should be.

Narf :)

Sataday Attaday

One of those lost Saturdays, I think, if I recall, remember? I woke before noon and headed down to Helen's to help her with something. Some house thing. No, I picked her up at her car dealer and then we went to lunch and then we went to her house and we hung out watching skating because she loves skating and then took her and he mom shopping because her car was not ready and my softball games were re-cancelled (another story) so I shopped too and have a stack of canned foods and then... I think I headed to Harpo's place and played games and some people stopped by and played games and then... back here to sleep.

Or something like that.

Narf :)

Friday Night Pig-Out

So I slept in on my day off for Veteran's Day and spent the afternoon adding articles and images to my Facebook pages after a friend asked me to check my FB because he has a couple of parties planned over the next few months and so does another friend of ours so now I have six new parties on my calendar and then, food. The pig-out was take out from a Korean place that gets rave reviews from locals and I am beginning to think this area has a whole lot of people with very inexperienced pallets and limited knowledge of how delicious food can be. Poverty and the location experience really do provide such a different perspective on everything. Anyway, the food was good,just not rave-worthy.

There's another meal in the fridge for another day and delicious chocolate chop cookies were for dessert. The evening is watching Salvation. I took a shot and the subject matter interests me but we shall see whether the stereotypical religious zealots and black ops crap dominates the story, instead of the science and reality of astronomical phenomenon.

So how was your day?

Narf :)

Thursday Night Cravings

Six cans of soup, a can of chicken, two cans of salmon, and a can of clams. Dinner. The evening passes with some TV. Catching up on the week's CBS shows on what is a terrible streaming website (yes you, CBS), but you do have shows I have become accustomed to watching which probably calls for an entry in background tv but for the moment, have you seen the new Star Trek? A great day at work, again, just doing my safety thing by making friends and influencing people, naturally. Some days I do so many things that I don't remember what I did. Critiquing an Incident Review Committee report including statements, transcripts, policies, procedures, and more from he Fire Department so my boss can present our concerns to the County Manager took up several hours. The other three people in the department went to lunch with the TPA (third party administrator for our insurance fund) and I held down the fort... so I left work a little early and we're back to dinner time and evening TV again. Suddenly, a craving for snacks rose up from somewhere so powerful that I was dressed and at the local 7-11 (the only think open late at night around here) and yummied down some Ben & Jerry's chocolate chip cookie doe, chocolate and vanilla zingers and crispy M & Ms. Te land of the free, the home of the brave, dontcha know. lol :)

Self-indulgence is not always egocentric... until you blog it lol lam :)

Narf :)

Busy Day, Wasted Night

Heading out to a meeting that didn't happen in the morning, I decided it was a cool enough morning to make a tour of some parks so I did. Before I could get to a third park, I was called about a landfill truck in an accident overturning in a ditch. So I headed there and four hours later, everything was safe on the rad again. A pick up truck ran a stop sign and collided with our truck. The pick up driver received a citation. No major injuries. After that I missed an afternoon meeting so I visited a few more parks and then headed back to the office for some paperwork. a quick dinner and then softball. Three of our batters got up, I didn't even touch a bat. Game over 21-0 in one and a half innings. Well over a dozen errors. The six outs we were able to get included a pop up to me, a ground ball to me, and four fly balls to the outfield. It's free, the coach is paying, but I'd like to at least have reality set in because he thinks he and the team he put together is a lot better than they are. Our record is 0-6 and I doubt we'll win a game, but at least I'd like to get one at bat. Oh well, free. Except for the 30 minute drive each way.

Hungry now. Shhhhh.

Narf :)

Bouncing Tonight

Yes, the energy was high and the ball was moving and the team rallied round the third base coaching and we won. So often this happens, yet so often it is not perceived. Those aware and picking up on the vib know because they see it, feel it, and win. Energy is contageous. Too bad I don't have the kind I used to have more often. Age is a sour mistress lol and laughter helps put a smile on even her face. Don't blink, the ball might get past you. Or worse, but we won't go there cuz softball is so much fun.

Besides winning, the game is fun win or lose with the energy up. Friends are fun too. Everything if fun so I guess I am rising above the ashes like a phoenix... and I'm not even stones or in Frisco or driving.

Hug yourself, it feels good.

Narf :)

With Every Blog

Fewer readers. I had dozens of comments back when I came out of my original website and started this public babbling journey over on Diaryland. I had regular readers and commenters when I moved to Blogspot at first, but gradully I started another and then another and here we are. Nobody knows this blog is even her (go ahead, prove me wrong, you know it'll inspire an ear to ear grin) :)

I've said it many times in many ways here's one, human caring has its limits, which for me, makes it unreal. Love has no end, except in humanity. Maybe my pointing this out is why people don't hang around. Reality isn't what people want, unless it's fake reality injected with pretentious and staged drama on TV. That's how we got the reality star in the white house, dontcha know.

Anywyay, I had another great day at work and I'm about to head to softball.

Loneliness does not stop the fun. :)

Narf :)

There Is a Man In Romania (For Z0tl)

He is a good man. A wise man. A very creative man. A man I call friend. He was misunderstood by many because his words were cryptic because his mind spun too quickly for most people to follow. His perspectives were too unique for most people to understand. Most people rush right by anyone they do not understand. People who have a different perspective, throughout history, have been overlooked at best and executed at worst (unless being imprisoned or tortured for a lifetime can be considered worse than death). Most people fear a different perspective. The internet provided a way for the man, my friend, to share his unique perspectives. Profound wisdom and brilliance could be found in some of his entries online. I miss the words my friend used to write.

Today is my friends's birthday. I leave these words here in the hope that he finds them and feels the love and respect and fond memories I hold for him. I wish I could hug him and sing Happy Birthday to him in person. I sing it in my heart and mind here.

Happy Birthday Mikey :)

Miss you.

Just Once

I was so much more hopeful once. Even as recently as then, before and after this and all that falls between, there was so much hope. I believe more back then too. I need to get back to that, which, unfortunately means giving up on the present disappointments and looking ahead to what may still be cuz there's always hope, right? Letting go of believing in someone and accepting the trust was misplaced is always the hardest part. In case it matters. Well, there's always hope (I hope), so there is because I hope. I am not too far off. I think. Still. I know I still want to believe.

Yeah, I am still pretty incorrigible on that point.

Narf :)

What A Difference Some Sleep Makes

Yes sirree bob, sleep is such a restorative process, it's a wonder I don't do it more often. Functional sleep, say a few hours, that I do pretty much every day, but restorative sleep, sleep past eight hours, that is a rarity and today I wake so much more refreshed and euphoric than even my usual euphoria. It may have been a couple of months. I almost always come to the writing and mention it, so the records are online in these blogs, see for yourself. Having slept so many hours, I don't have time to research it myself as softball starts in two hours and laundry must be done and a shower must be had and tonight I shall attend a birthday party for an old friend at a local party place in my old stomping grounds (where I lived the first dozen years or so after returning to Florida).

Great timing for this sleep all around. Hope your euphoria is turned up high too. :)

Narf :)

Still

Still starting here, so much water under the bridge it carried the bridge away. Still too tired for serious babbling, still should be sleeping. Still backdating entries to not skip days, but still writing just after midnight more than any other time. Still eating too much and too much in the carb family with too much fat sauces. Pasta is cheap. Canned pasta is easy. Still loving the job even as it sucks more time out of my days than ever. Still seeking balance. Still in the ghetto, five shootings in five nights this week. Still in the dump with Eb and he's still as messy and unclean as ever. Worse in the bathroom lately as he's taken to peeing on the seat at least daily. The bleach sprayer is always at hand. No wonder he's alone. So what's my excuse?

Still dreaming more than doing, still waning in my belief in humanity, still trying to hang on to hope. Even if it's illusion. Still reaching out, however oddly. Still hoping you read, click on the links, and enjoy. Still hoping you let me know. Still here, even if...

Narf :)

Lights, Sirens, Action

Well, actually the action happened before the lights and sirens showed up. Gunfire in a backyard just across the street. One known dead, the police cordoned off the entire block which places one of the corner vehicles with flashing lights a few feet from the driveway. Good thing I took the safety car home and am heading in the opposite direction in the morning. Early. Eb is out at a movie, Thor. I sent some iphone video to a friend at one of the news stations. The TV has Star Trek on. Habit, I guess. I did watch some of my CBS shows before the shooting. I was supposed to get to sleep early tonight. I'm hungry. I ate oatmeal and yogurt for dinner. Then finished some snacks. A can of vegetable soup. Pretzles. It was a good day. In case it matters.

Narf. :)