Ouch, and Other Sundries

Did somebody mention some serious pain, like last night, right here? What's that saying, I'm gonna tear you a new asshole, or something like that. I didn't go into work until about 2:30 today. The bowels needed work. It took the better part of four hours to work this shit out. Bloody and aching, I dragged my sorry ass to work and did the few things I had to get done today. Got back here around 8 and feeling kinda numb, I will not be eating tonight and I will have only liquids for at least a few days, maybe longer. I bought $40 worth of digestive system medications. You probably don't want to read the details (what? waaay TMI already?... feel free to shock me by letting me know you are here). There shall be no intentional filter about me in my babbling, ya know?

I wouldn't expose your ass though, so feel free to share.

And laugh, please, laughter is medicine, really.

Narf :)

Where'd The Will Power Go?

On and off, more off than on lately, so I did it again. Last night I pigged out after midnight. Tonight I did the same, though before midnight. See the food blog (which should be called the fool blog these days), for the gory details. Too many calories in the freezer, dammit! Watching Bored To Death which might be ironic, at least semantically. Meaningless drivel didn't distract me from the food monsters. I must be going through a semi-self-destructive loop. Lonely, as usual, still not feeling quite a home here, though improvement this week, and I am not exercising. All fuel for depression, hence the pigging out for the food high. I may be setting myself up for some serous pain too, as I have not pooped in two days. Do I do it to see if anybody cares? (when I know that no one is close enough to?)

Narf :}

Food, Work, TV, Whatever

The kids are back, earlier than usual this week. I should get to sleep early. TA has been very considerate about space the last few days, are you reading? Eeek, I've never known anyone offline who reads my blogs. I've asked, really (I've self-mocked a lot too), but anyway, I genuinely am who I am, trying to have a little living space I can call mine and above all else, in life, do no harm. Except when I eat too much. I spend most of my days working and when I am not working, I am giving to others, caring for others, helping others, and when I am alone, which is rare, I write. It keeps me in touch with myself and keeps hope that I will share more intimately again one day. Hope that someone will care keeps me happy.

Too much sitting and too many calories though.

Narf :)

Low Calorie, High Activity, Mixed Nut

Could definitely be higher activity (buy the dang elliptical, dangit), but 420 calories is pretty darned low for the day. Damn, aye? Softball tonight, another win. The team might finally be getting it's act together after a weak start to this season. Two wins in a row to move to 3-4 on the season and hanging on to 4th place. We need to win two out of the next three to be in third or second place for the playoffs. That would give us a chance to get into the final. The team in first is 7-0 and dominating everyone, so I doubt we could beat them, but after a 1-5 start to a ten game season, second would be fantastic. I walked three times and popped out the one time I swung the bat. Pitched well enough to hold a very good team to 10 runs even though we gave them some on errors). So good softball night. God stuff done at work and blah blah blah. I had more calories, disappointed, hungry, lonely, spiraling into stupid silly wah wah wah. Sleep? Laughing too hard. Wanna be in my madhouse (garden). Wish you were here.

Narf :)

Outdoor Day

Woke, showered, and headed for softball before 8:00 AM. Rated players for three games, learning the new ratings system, watched opening ceremonies for the league, then played two games and played well and had fun, then went out to Kiwi's afterward and hung out with several teams, then home for a steamy shower. I resisted buying more bar food, so I am hungry. Home was the usual three TVs are on, including the one in my side of the house, and it appeared TA might have nodded as he hopped up to get the dog outside as soon as the door opened. They went out for McDonalds for dinner, the eight year old's choice. Mcd's sure has kids hooked on their junk food with their happy meals. I guess TA is learning not to ask me if I want fast food. I resisted many offers of wings and fries at Kiwi's, so I am heading for shrimp that's in the fridge, and whatever I find that doesn't have high calories in the house, maybe a few deviled eggs (though probably not cuz I don't feel like boiling, making, and waiting for them to chill).

So how was your day?

Narf? :)

After Noon

I woke to the kids and TV way too early, but went back to be until afternoon. I guess I was not in the mood for a family day today. Now she is whining and crying louder than before. Sadly spoiled, but that's only my problem when he whining and crying jumps into my space and head. Lasting boundaries (kind, gentle, and firm rather than mean, harsh, and scary) can take time to develop. Respect through understanding is so much healthier than boundaries set by fear or discomfort. Still, I can use a good DDD sessions (you know where to find the details). The TVs are on, as usual. The music fills the house too. And the whining.

Meanwhile, Helen is due to come over soon so I intend to tidy up a bit, though not much. The babbling therapy is more important. Helen and I have dinner plans tonight. Bay Ridge Sushi. Then, I am leaning toward doing ore unpacking and tidying after I get back from dinner, but we shall see as anything can come up between now and then.

Good morning, afternoon.

Narf :)

After Midnight

And it is, later than it seems, and another work week ends with softball and a pig-out, but there was no plan, I just went with the flow and induged my food monster. The day was way too much time at the desk, partly because I left the emergency flashers on last night and the battery was dead in the car this morning. I decided to call for service for noon Monday because I wanted to do what I wanted to do today, rather than wait around for the fleet service to arrive. So I got some desk work done, a new safety protocol for boiled water notices because there was one this week and the County did not know what to do about it. Kind of amazing, but it's par for the course. I did some work for the softball league rating committee, reorganizing the rating sheet to condense all the ratings on the one page to make it easier to refer to them while doing the ratings. Stayed a bit late to print my stuff and then, rushed home to change and then, rushed to softball. The usual. Sad. Anyway, a few hours later I was watching some old friends play and then went to the local pub for food and conversation. The pig-out just happened. Continuing after heading home, it still goes on. After midnight. Here we are.

So how was your day? (as if you'll ever tell me?... nudge nudge).

And oh, yeah, ever so nonchalantly, Happy Birthday.

Narf :)

Another Day, Almost Fast

Four r five protein drinks, then two slices of pizza, then a bowl of shrimp. The weight dropped from 194 (yes, I reached 194 over the weekend) to 185 this morning, 189 fully clothes with keys and wallet after drinking). Must do this sharp low calorie thing again for a while. Work, driving around and inspecting parks and facilities all day. Then softball meeting until after 9PM. Then home, wishing there was more hours in the day. Jackson texted asking me to check on her sister. There's a lot of stress and unhappiness going on and I am trying to help, but the walls are high and I can only give s much. More than a paycheck this time, again. What if I said no? I wouldn't be me. Sucks to be me sometimes (so why am I laughing at myself). Rhetorical. Ridiculous. Ric.

Feel free to send loose change and winning lottery tickets, or just a dolla.

Narf :)

Three Days Fast

That's three days passing by fast, even though they were non-sop work and play from sunrise well past sunset. A whole lot of desk work. Two nights of softball, though once again I didn't get into the work team's game. The guy who took over coaching decided I won't be playing much, if at all. Maybe four or five innings and a couple of at bats all season so far. With minimal defense, I don't mind too much since most games turn into batting practice for the other team. Meanwhile, since Sunday evening or so, I had nothing but protein drinks until the meal in the past hour. Peppers, onions, shrimp, and three 40 calories hot dogs for flavor. Maybe 300 calories. That's maybe 700 calories for the day. Feeling bloated, so it was time to stop the merry go round of carbs and fats that began before the holidays.

So how is your week so far?

Narf :)

Entertainment, Or Something Like That

So I started watching Mr. Robot and somehow found myself at the keyboard here because the song The Dance rolled through my head and while I will not chronicle every step along the way, I paused the TV and listened to some Jane Devlin and she took me over to the The Voice and for a couple of hours I listened to singers trying to make it and some were good enough to keep me listening, watching, and clicking for more.

There could have (maybe should have) been dozens of links following that opening, but for now, not.

Alone is fun, but sharing is sometimes wanted and sharing is not so real alone.

Luckily, I have this illusion that you are reading, caring...

...sharing this moment.

Narf :)

What Didn't You Read?

Really now, you didn't see that all this confusion is just an illusion? You don't understand why I am laughing? Maybe you are a Mr. Robot fan. Or maybe it scares you. Or maybe you missed the dance. Or maybe you miss the references sprinkled throughout the writings I loosely call my written gardens. No worries, I'll get back to the drama, recent and distant past, as meaningless as it may be to anyone outside of my head (and the joke is in the subtitles, the confusion illusion, if you missed that again, but shhhh, it's a secret and that would be telling, in case it matters... so much can be learned from a blog search, especially if you follow along down the list, but who has the time, right?), or inside, even. Just in case you wanted to know.

Anyway, the week away is over and I am home again, home again, dingly ding ding.

Narf :)

Come Saturday Morning

While I don't remember what the movie was about, it's a fine title oft repeated on, you guessed it, Saturday Mornings, especially quiet happy ones. The week here at Jackson & Brandi's place is coming to an end and the kids (god and three cats) are sensing the change, maybe cuz I am all packed up, and hovering around me. Curious was saying her usual good morning by climbing on me at sunrise, B2 was at the door waiting to come in for food, B1 was woke when I did (Curious and B1 slept in the bed with me) and (the old girl) was sitting in her bed waiting for me to help her up and let her out. I tok her outside and then fed them all and then I sat with them on the couch and gave each of them love cuz I had an extra half hour. Only Curious and (the old girl) still hover for me, especially Curious. She wants her head rubbed (swallowed by my hands, if you want more graphics) as likes her nose and whiskers and eyes and ears rubbed kind of all at the same time. B2 went back outside after about a half hour, which is a long stay for Mr Independence and B1 remains curled up on the chair on the porch. Curious is curled on on the small pillow I put next to me, leaning against my elbow as I write this. Two outdoor cats, one indoor cat, and a dog and they are all so much calmer and cleaner than the one indoor cat at my lace. I don't know why she is such an unkempt cat, though her I know the source of her stress/anxiety is TA and his eight year old.

Anyway, it's time for me to head out to pick up my favorite girls and hear about their cruise on the ride home. Hopefully all went even better than the happy texts they sent when they were in ports.

Make your Saturday one to remember, just cuz you can.

Narf :)

Left to My Own Demise

Devices, no less. 3000 calorie days all week, at least. No exercise, skipping showers, pity the fool. Stuff happening, busy days, busy evenings, work and animals, still missing me, missing writing, and forgot about the doctor appointment for next week that needed me to do labs yesterday, dang, but they called late today to remind me. Good doctor, very disorganized office, poor medical assistants, and absent-minded patient. So I'll reschedule tomorrow. Rhoid still swollen, but not growing. Trying not to sit, but then, no writing. Remember laying down and speaking to email in the phone?

Take care of you, please.

Narf :)

Getting Stuff Done

Held the dog up, carry her outside, support her as she pees and poops, check. Feed the dog her special diet, lift her into the bathtub so she can drink from the faucet, check. Let the two black cats inside to eat, give them attention, let them out again, check. Feed and give Curious, the indoor cat you may recall from past years blogs, attention and rubbing and food and so on, check. Fit in a softball game, check. Stop at home to shower and pick up pillows and towels and other things, check. Special care for the body, check. Missing exercise and lean eating, ooops. Welcome to Monday evening. And in the category of random information, I have no idea why or how, but blogger says I had fifteen visits from Mr. Dracko's blog, for what it's worth.

Now try to get to sleep so waking at 5:00 AM, 5:30 AM the latest to repeat all the animal care and get to work by 7:00 AM the latest for a very busy day... hopefully check come morning.

Alone again, naturally and sigh... check.

Narf :)

Bacon Pizza and Pets

Watching this poor old dog struggle to stand is bringing back memories of Happiness in his last days. She needs help standing and doing everything else that requires standing, alas. She isn't eating much, but she is drinking, peeing, and pooping (with help staying on her feet). Meanwhile, my bowels are working fine, with chemical assistance because I am pigging out (more pizza, more pasta, more meats, more sweets), but the itchies are back probably because of diet, sitting, and going a few days without a shower. Showered this afternoon, though without the hand-held sprayer. Softball tonight, then shower at home with the sprayer. Nice relxing weekend is almost over, alas, but it's still fun.

Narf :)

and now, for no apparent reason

Challenges of Age

Age brings a lot of changes, but perhaps the most challenging is impending death for those who fear death. For me, and those like me who live in the moment and accept death as an inevitable moment sometime in the future that is not only ultimately unpreventable (at least as far as our science knows today), and an unknown that may or may not have any conscious awareness, so why waste time, energy, or any moments on a future moment anyway, whatever, yea yea yea. You may notice the rambling meandering. Distractions. The most challenging aspect and effect (or affect) of aging is the neediness, the deterioration of the physical body that requires much more time and often a lot of assistance. Aging animals present that challenge and that has been the focus of my energy and attention for the past 24 hours. This is the first time I am sitting without rubbing, cuddling, petting, or physically doing something for the animals. I slept some, but they woke me at 6:30 AM for food and more attention. The dog has reached a point of needing physical support staying on her feet when squatting to pee or poop and would like constant physical contact. The cat is needing more physical comforts and contact. Assorted other needs that come with aging, mostly neediness and their sense of my sensitivity to that, make them a constant distraction. It's all about love and that's why I am here, they give me the chance to give my love at near maximum sensitivity (at least on a dog and cat awareness level) and chances to do that are rare so I treasure the opportunity (I don't think their mommies quite understand why I am so appreciative that they trust me to do it, they are happy to have someone who is willing to since even their families don't want to pet sit much anymore), but I am happy they have me here in spite of the work and distraction from my needs (I haven't showered yet lol). I am finally giving myself some sitting time at the computer and out comes this rambling (supposed to be brief) entry. The dog is begging for attention, but cuddled and petted and walked and fed and gave her the whole morning so far and I need a little me time. I am realizing I need a shower and have my own aging body needs to take care of that I ignored for the past 24 hours (for the first time in many months, so hopefully there will not be any negative reactions from the body). I need to get up and do those things now and the animals will just need to be ignored for a little while. The dog is under the recliner footrest, so I'll have to figure out how to close this and somehow move her before I close this. Guess I need to roll out sideways and slide on to the floor (without straining anything). All the little challenges lol.

I'd like to catch up a bit today and tomorrow. There's always hope :)

Narf :)

Catch Up Tomorrow

Living with (and in) the philosophy of the title is not ideal for me, since I am most comfortable living in the moment (which is the only reality, so any other experience is almost a waste of time as it is exponentially more illusionary than the illusion of the moment, but we can philosophize further when you get here, if you ever do). Today the computer was packed up and moved to Jackson's place because I will be staying there more than home for the next week as I am house and pet sitting and their pets are a full time job (aging pets have lots of needs).

I finally ate, but when I got back here after shopping and packing my stuff to bring here, it started raining. Yes, just as I got here, the rain started. The garage entrance is blocked off, so I had to come through the front door which is around front and so I got wet and so did all the stuff I brought, which sucks, but I'll ignore it and leave everything until tomorrow and pretend it never got wet and hope for no smells or mold or anything else. I'll check the work clothes for the week when I put them on Tuesday. Yeah, I know.

The next challenge was the lights. They blew out in the kitchen and living room in the middle of cooking pizza and cleaning shrimp, which made everything more challenging. Luckily I packed a flashlight, but it was still not enough and hopefully it will be light enough tomorrow to clean, since I can't see well enough to clean in the dark. No bugs, please. I guess the universe was saying I should be eating less calories. The emo-frustration definitely caved and after yummy fat-carb food, I am laying down on the couch with the animals smothering me and will watch old Superbowls because there is nothing else I am interested in on TV. I remember why I cancelled cable. Commercials and nothing much of interest, especially with commercials.

We are having fun, right? lol.

Narf :)

Changing Unplanned Plans

So I woke up and headed out to pick up Jackson and Brandi to take them to their cruise ship (about three hours in the car round trip). We reviewed the animal's needs (since I am pet sitting at their house), which are numerous because they are old. Support the dog while peeing and pooping, treat after poops, lift the dog into the bathtub and turn on a trickle to allow her to drink, lift her back out when she's done, mix the wet and dry food just right morning and evening, lift her on to the couch when sitting on the couch, pet and cuddle and left her to squeeze between legs when sitting back in the recliner, ignore the gas and breath, all the usual things to take care of with a very old dog. I love the way Brandy cares for her, so I'm happy to be trusted to do all this and watch out for her for eight days. If you know me, you know trust, giving, and feeling needed are three of my most effective and rewarding feelings in this life. As challenging as this can be, I am lucky they chose to trust me with it.

The cats (three) have their own stuff going on. One is Jackson's who lived with me for all the years Jackson and I lived together, so she comes running to sit on my lap for attention and rubbing as soon as I walk in and sit down. We have a strong emotional bond. She's getting a little wobbly and is on a special diet and needs some special care. Then there are the two outdoor cats who are finally getting a little more comfortable around me. The don't come near people ordinarily, but one was on the bed and apparently not feeling well and he stayed there while I sat down. After a few minutes I gave him my hand to sniff, then he let e pet him a few, which was surprising and reassuring to Brandi and Jackson. The other black cat seldom comes near me, but came in the house and let me pet him briefly as I put out his food. All the foods have to be kept separate and on different levels so they don't eat each others foods because of the special diets. Aging animals are a lot of work, but they appreciate it and I am needed and giving care, so yays!

I am heading out to pick up stuff from my place, since I didn't pack fr the week before I left, and then I'll stop for food at Publix (spend more than Walmart but Publix is the closest place to here and I don't want to search around after dark as it looks like rain and I am not sue where the nearest Walmart might be. I picked up a lot of shrimp earlier on the way back from the cruise ship as jumbo shrimp was on sale ($6.95 a pound). Let's to catch up on, so little me-time. Adjustments, rewards, sacrifices, changes, challenges, and fun.

Narf :)

Stop Sitting, Please

Even as I've drifted away from daily logging once again, I must urge myself to stop sitting because I am sitting way too much at work and really need to get off my ass, what with emo-eating and lazy exercising and all that lack of pizazz jazz, the right side hemmorrhoid blew up (but luckily has not exploded), just in case you keep track of these things.

So how's your ass, aye?

Narf :)

Watching TV and Eating (After Softball)

Sure enough, I did not go to sleep when I got home. Sometimes that happens when I don't play well or when we lose. So I ate and looked for a TV distraction and found Prodigy. Believing in the possibilities of human evolution is one of my favorite genres. Rarely is it done well as people overlook the obvious inconsistencies and discrepancies and there were big ones in this movie, but the simplistic happy ending was somehow satisfying. All the cliches, the scared military man who just wants to kill the evolved being and will provoke a reason to justify killing at all costs. The bleeding heart psychologist who will risk death to earn trust and reawaken love in the traumatized child. All the doctors and technicians and soldiers in between who make the 180 turn from the military man to the psychologist, from hate and fear to love and trust. Who sees what I see? Who would do it?

Then, 100 Years. America. Reality. The news media ignores. Denial kills.

How can anyone sleep?

Nightmare in My Nose

That's what I've got. I've created a nightmare in my nose. It just keeps draining mucous, which is a good thing on some levels as it is part of ridding the body of the germs that the kids brought into the house. Still, it is aggravated severely by the choice of diet. Cheese. Milk. Ice Cream. Sugar. Fat. Carbs. Maybe even the tomato sauce. What's that about clear liquids, doc?

Anyway, I worked six hours and called it a day, though I sill need to return the car and get back here to change for softball tonight. I'll probably suck, given the bugs are draining energy, I only slept four hours last night, I am bloated big time, and I've not practices at all in months. Can't blame the chocolate, cuz chocolate is the magic (hey, we've all got our myths and gods and chocolate is one of mine, I mean, Publix calls it chocolate trinity, so it must be divine, or something lol).

So how is your day so far?

Narf :)

Ti-red

Too tired to say tired, perhaps, but then, why make it two syllables? Maybe the emphasis for attention or something like that. Anyway, the good news it I woke up on my own. The bladder helped. The bad news is it's just been four hours and I'm ready for another eight hours (sleep, that is... black gold), but work calls so off I go. Shower, long and hot, at least longer and hotter tan the usual. Clear the sinuses and full speed ahead.

Make today a great day!

Narf :)

Still Have Dinner For Tomorrow

There was a time when I would have eaten the $40 of Italian food I bought yesterday in one sitting, and more. I ate some yesterday, some today, and still have dinner for tomorrow. Still not wise given how the sinuses and mucous membranes are reacting to the dairy products, but stupidity is delicious. Not the best Italian, but good. Party.

Meanwhle, the most boring Super Bowl ever ended with a happy outcome for this Brady fan. TA didn't have much to say and sat through most of the first half, but left for the second half. He's not much into football.

Meanwhile, I recovered some from the wake up congestion, but have had mucous flowing all day and the onlt change has been the dairy products so I did it to myself. Where's the ice cream?

Narf lol :)

Almost There, Sort Of

The hottest hot shower on the head in several years helped clear the sinuses that filled with mucous after last night's dairy pig-out, and if the TV was whining on about some midievil tale of woe, I might have recalled what I left behind in Toronto, the keys to the path to the self and center and balance that connected everything in conscious awareness (which would have been right in tune with the previous couple of audio-visual choices I made, marked in background V (or soon should be), but the muddled dark ages drama (and the human dependency on such self-centered ego-driven emo-confusion) was distracting enough for me to seek distraction and I found it (see the entry that will be linked here when it is posted and these words are gone, but for the link), leaving just the shadow of the renewed personal experience of physical revelation that the heat can bring.

The TV plays some midieval drama that TA left on when he left. He tends to leave the TV on when he leaves the room, goes to bed, or leaves the house for that matter. He's asked if I like period pieces and I told him I don't, but he does and seemed hopeful I would like whatever is on. Soap operas are soap operas, whatever the era. I prefer intellectual stimulation, ideas and creativity, rather that watching human beings be human beings doing the usual human daily things. Not sure why he things leaving his shows on when he goes out to the store is going to get me to want to watch them, but I'm not interested in TV at the moment, so I just mostly ignore it. I like him, we just have different arts and entertainment preferences sometimes.

Anyway, I was almost there, that place in my head where everything fits and I am a part of it, but I didn't stay in the shower long enough and didn't turn the water up hot enough. Baby steps, perhaps. I might have headed out to the supermarket with him if he asked, but he was walking out the door as I got out of the shower and I was not heading out with a wet head that has been draining mucous. Timing. Besides, I wanted to write what wa rising to my mind in the shower. Almost did, sort of.

I like living here with him. Superbowl later, no matter what might be left on the TV. lol.

Narf :)

Sleeping, Not

I should be sleeping, of course, but instead... I should be eating light, no dairy, no feeding the mucous, letting the body fight off the bugs filling this space. but instead... I should have stayed inside today, warm and away fro exposure to additional germs and viruses and pollen and so on, but instead... I went out with TA to the bank to get rent money and then stopped at Publix for him to get coffee at Starbucks and I was going to get some food, but they did not have their buffet and so I stopped at the Italian restaurant I wanted to try and ordered two dinners, a sub, an appetizer, and then stopped at Walmart for desserts and chocolate milk and did I mention chips and dips and cheese spreads ad ice cream and cookies and more?

Whatever, I'm throwing my own unplanned Super Bowl party. all weekend.

Naarf :)

Disappearances

I refer to mine, at least at my end, I experience my disappearances from the contact with this blog world, my personal conversation with myself or others in this life experience or on my head, though mostly myself, and anyone stumbling into this stream of words or anywhere in the flow I call my written gardens. Sometimes weeks pass, though not often. More often, days. Well, days passed, again. Sometimes it may be intentional, though that is questionable and rare. Usually it's not intentional, but other things take the time away from the words. Here, it's the adjustment to the new space, the roommate who wants to interact a lot more than Eb ever did (which is fine and much better than the silence) and on weekends, which is often my primary writing time, the kids. All excuses, no doubt, for my own laziness. procrastination, and external focus. I know better than to let my locus of control get outside of my head, after all. I must choose to write more. Not the TV or games or anything else.

Of course fighting the triple whammy bugs the kids have had for two weeks isn't helping. So far my immune system is holding up ok, but it's not easy. Strep, bronchitis, and flu are all around me at work and home so I must wash my hands a lot more than usual and touch as little as possible in the communal spaces. Cut down on the disappearances too. Please?

Narf. :}

Short Day, Rest, Food

Went into work late, worked lightly, left around 2. Finally ate some food. Calories. Turned down game night tonight so I could get more rest. I intend to stay in this weekend and rest and stay warm and give the body some balanced food and vitamins and give it the best chance it has to fight off the bugs. No kids since they shouldn't be out and TA headed out to bring more medication to them at their mothers place. This weekend is for warmth, isolation, rest, and healing. Turned the TV off and napped after food in the recliner and then...

woke to the kids, but fell back to sleep, or tried to. Woke to TA watching TV in this living room. It's always on. I guess he doesn't like his living room and TV. Maybe it's the social interaction he seeks. TA said the little one begged to come over and looked pitiful and is sicker than ever. He went to bed and now I'm awake. Stressing over getting sicker.

Why don't people take better care of themselves?

Narf...