I'l Still Standing

For some reason, I confirmed this erect position way back when and didn't upload this entry. Maybe i was stressed, challenged, or joking. Elton John didn't tell me, but we had much fun. No drug, no alcohol, just fun without poisons, which incorporates everything. This entry could be about anything, more than a year later, and maybe I was watching TV aor not at the time, but I am now and it's a sex club on a cop show. Great lips, seriously intelligently sensual. Delightfulness, petite, fit, definitely could be a wonderful turn on if I still had a switch. Laughing, I probably do, though I don't turn it on much for outside stimuli anymore. In dreams, in bed, yes. Wet and mystical. Yes, I am still standing, alone.

People disappoint too much to trust with intimacy. Anybody wanna try to change my opinion?

Life goes on, within me and without me. Feel free to comment.

Narf :)

Medical Industry Blues

I have more stress (and more ailments) since I have health care and have been seeing doctors than I had when I had no health care and only saw a free clinic doctor for an emergency. Also on more medications. No coincidence, I say. I almost dropped my new primary today and am still not sure I'm staying with my GI specialist. In spite of my informing them of certain needs, I have gotten worse because they did not pay attention and ignored the fact that the medications other doctors were prescribing were going to make me sicker. I may talk to a lawyer if this keeps up. The source of the problem is not just poor communication between medical professionals and a lack of listening and caring, but a blue cross pharmacy provider that refused to cover the latest prescription (that I wouldn't have needed had the doctors listened two months ago) and the doctors would not resolve the problem, give a different medication, or even talk to me (I spoke with at least twenty different medical assistants and blue cross people and heard completely contradictory responses from all parties). The district pharmacy supervisor called me twice and said she'd call back but hasn't. The blue cross rep tried to call their pharmacy insurance provider today and could not get through. The GI doctor's medical assistant said that the doctor says I may end up in the hospital and need surgery if I don't take the med her ordered. I told him I don't have $2000 for 8 pills that the pharmacy wants and I should not have to pay because the insurance plan says it covers the medication. Probably why the pharmacy insurance will not answer blue cross either. Hopefully the body will find a way to cure itself and the dire consequences the GI doctor predicts will not come to pass.

So how was your day?

Narf :}

Standing and Delivering (Sorta)

Besides this, there was so much more. Then there's me and Everybody else (relative to me). Any questions? You had to be here. Somebody. Anybody. Find me.

So what else is new? Finished the first draft of the County RM Plan and sent it to boss. As is so often the case, he had to be sold. So controlling. Then I walked the parks and checked the water treatment plants the rest of the day. Found five things to reports, all accepted well. No food. I am not up to par at the moment. Heck, not even a bogey. UFO, maybe. Body challenges. Typing standing is hard on the back after a long 100 calorie day. Spoke to the GI doc today. Another medicine to try wen I can pick it up. Another MD appointment in the morning. Lab results should be in, fingers crossed. Continued struggle to poo and drop the weight, but must do both. Soon, 190. Then, 180. Yes, I want to be there. Still, I will not go quietly.

So how was your day?

Narf :)

People Are Baffling Sometimes

Mostly when I stop wanting to bend over backwards to accommodate their insecurities. Such is the case at work for the moment. It is time for me to step back and wait for them to tell me what they want from me instead of trying to anticipate the needs of the team and step up to fill a need. The respect for my effort is not only not there, but disregard and slap down is happening too often. So I intend to return to my specific responsibilities and be a team player in that way only for the time being.

Meanwhile, the medical industry is not doing well again in spite of my efforts there. Too many cooks, nobody really caring to take a good look at what is going into the soup. The soup being me. They are paid to listen, assess, and diagnose but they do not listen well and they do not take notes well so they do not assess well so they do not diagnose well so they do not treat well. I am hoping the new primary actually sees me on Tuesday (instead of pawning me off to an ARNP that she just hired who I never met who introduced herself to me as she was doing my annual physical that I thought the doctor was going to do).

I guess we just live until the living becomes too painful and then we die.

Would be more fun someone shared the journey.

If someone cared to...

Narf. :}

Where's Your Tongue?

As you may have noticed (see recent entries), mine spends an exorbitant amount of time between my cheeks, not sheets, cheeks, not those cheeks, either, cheeky witch. Especially since I moved into this pisshole (not pizza with a sole), where the toilet seat needs bleach spray before every use which opens the door to all sorts of asshole humors. Once upon a time there was a wonder about how serious you, dear reader, should take my rambling. Now, in case it matters, I don't think it matters anymore. I don't sleep or eat or do much of anything as if I care about myself, so why should you? Even if you were here and not just memories and figments of my imagination. Email died again. It comes and goes, like everything else.

All I can do is hole my breath until someone cares.

Narf :)

You Get It, Right?

Still remembering and wanting you to remember too and wishing and hoping and wanting someone to find me and love me and take me home and call me George. Or Fred. Or me. Hey, you don't even have to call me. You'd be here, after all, so it would be weird if you called me while you are sitting with me. We could text.

Yeah, so today was another long day at work, almost twelve hours. Lots done, sent a first draft of the major project I've been working on for several months to bossman. Maybe that's the blog name for boss, after all, I do respect privacy and don't use real names online. The project is politically correctly subjugating (or is that usurping), ok, taking over the review of incidents and accidents for the county. My break from that project was investigating an incident of killer mold. What can I say, a few dozen firefighters filled out bio-hazard exposure reports. Yes, for mold. In Florida.

Work could be a sit-com if we took it seriously.

Narf :)

And Dinner Too

Yes, I caved. Caved big time. I just got back from work, later, and ate two dinners, later. A 45 calorie all beef hot dog wrapped in a slice of fat free cheese wrapped in four slices of fat free turkey nuked and a slice of 40 calorie a slice bread was the holder and a protein drink too. It wasn't enough. An hour or two later, which would be after now and actually, after then, I nuked most of a big back of onions and peppers sprayed with spray cooking oil and smothered in salt and garlic and then added a plate of shrimp and more salt and garlic and half a can of cheddar cheese soup and some fat free ranch dressing and I forget if something else was added but I feel like there was and then ore nuking and then, it still wasn't enough so after the next entry even later, another protein drink. Hunger craves more. Maybe it was because I pooped for the first time in days and it continues to be a painful C.Diff experience. It itches now, again.

Stop me before I eat some more!

Narf :)

I Ate Lunch

Surprising, I know. Hopefully I will skip dinner. Lunch was two veggie burgers and with three slices of fat free cheese and nuked with a sprinkle of stevia and a packet of mayo and two packets of ketchup and a protein shake. What is this, the dead food blog come back from, well, to life? I needed food sustenance, it's been a busy morning and I am working on two big deals. Projects. Things I do. Hope it isn't weakening will power.

It's a long day.

Narf :)

Sleep Writing?

So Many threads. So much history. So many heads. So many mysteries. What's that you said? Searching fr blissery? Just go to bed. Dreaming of thissery. A new one without a thread, just cuz, unless you know the whole tapestry and have revealed the awareness that everything is connected in your mind, especially if you want it to be. Is if you don't too, you just may not know. Stress and fatigue in the midst. Issues with the screen for the tech in the car-phone-gps brain. Stupid crappy tech in Toyota, I will badmouth Toyota from now on. Bad, bad, Toyota. Do not buy Toyoto, even when awake. Anyway, wonky evening. Sat in the car for hours with nothing to do but didn't want to come back here cuz Eb had guests I didn't want to meet. Politics is not bedfellow to this kid. Sleeping kid now, I hope. Also, one more day passes and I am still hard core focused on the weight loss, the eating healthier, the good things - joyous when I am not super tired. Sleep in deep. Stay true to your ideals and remember - I love and accept you as you are.

Call me on the 31st. :)

Hope all is well. :)

You are loved. :)

nite :)

me

From The Car

Sitting in the car because Eb has dinner guests over and my softball was cancelled tonight.
He said they were his political enemies, about six to eight angry black women. His words. He's a white dude running for political office in a 90% non-white district and his opponents are both none-white. He made bowls of fat to pour over bowls of pasta with bowls of cream something for dessert. Cheap food they will likely enjoy but the antithesis of what I need to be around right now since I have a serious addiction to pasta and cheese and sweets and I am in moth two of limiting such foods to less than once a week. My 360 calorie day will not be swayed from here in the car.

So how was your evening?

Narf :)

Doing It Again

Staying awake to stimulate the brain way past the point when I should be sleeping which lowers the will power and lets hunger in and emotional eating will soon begin, can't let hunger win, can't let hunger win, don't let hunger win. Your fear is your greatest monster (are we watching each character live out their worst fears in their heads, all unconscious at the plane crash, or are we truly lost?). Did I mention Lost is now the marathon background TV show? I never watched it during it's first run, too much hype, like Survivor with more script and I was never a big fan of reality TV or ordinary people doing
extraordinary things in contrived adventures with magical mystery tours and stereotypical characters.

Here I am again, awake.

Narf :)

Ups & Downs

A day (a life) of ups and downs, as usual. A happy face found the balance on the car under $1000, it's almost all mine, yay. Then I see the total savings in my primary accounts went down almost $400 this month, boooooo. 199 pounds on the doctor's scale, yay! The doctor doesn't see me and a stranger introducing herself as the new ARNP does my annual physical. Weak history, weak exam, no prep, they didn't even call for my labs and she ordered new ones (after I asked her to read the chart) so much for having a primary doctor, serious boooo. I have better food to eat in the house, yay. I am eating a late night microwaved cheese sandwich with mayo, boooo. Stephen King is going to have a new show on Hulu, yay! The Hulu internet connection sucks since Eb started streaming Netflix closer to the router than I am, boooo. Im lonely, which means I still want to share and have hope of finding someone, big yay! I'm lonely, boo. I am still dedicated to dropping weight even though I reached the under 200 pound mark and had a weak night tonight, 180s here I come, yay. Who cares, boo. I care, yay.

How was your day?

Narf :)

Food Craving

Luckily, I had shrimp in the freezer because I decided to up the ante and pay $8 a pound for 31-40 size shrimp. I also bought a smaller size too. And a large bag of flounder. Yes, finally bringing fish back into the diet. Frozen, but readily available to cook in a bowl in the microwave. Better than paying much more in a restaurant where I have much less control over taste and calories, the latter beyond all-important as I streamline my waste line. There is also several cases of protein drink (almost went to route of powder, but the sink is not available for washing things daily and powdered drinks can ruin a shaker. Cans of chicken and pork, veggie burgers, and cans of veggies round out the semi-balanced high-protein meal-plan I intend to stick to 5-6 days a week through Labor Day.

Good news for the doctors and anyone who cares.

More to come (I hope).

Narf :)

Annual Physical

Talk about a... let down... disappointment... anticlimax... boo. Yes, look at the time. An annual physical in less than an hour. I didn't see the doctor. The new doctor who I've seen a few times for various things and who impressed me enough to want to keep her passed my first annual physical off to a brand new ARNP just higher. Lucky I don't mind getting naked in front of strangers, but come on, the doctor who won over my trust was supposed to explore this body, point out skin tags an moles and discolorations and anything else I can't see and develop a plan of care to take care of all the little things that will be good for this body. So all the details I provided to the doctor were skimmed over during the session where we were supposed to dive in deep and I had to start all over again, unprepared, so much was left out. So no discussion of removing skin tags, of measuring and photographing moles and colored spots, of lavage of my ears once a year or more, of keeping an eye on my broken leg.

Sigh, I was frustrated and disappointed and blah.

Narf. :)

About An Hour From Now

Actually, less, but whatever. I wake and sleep does not return. I play the phone games, Toon Blast, two versions of Solitaire, two versions of Spades, a dance with the devil in the pale moon light, probably some stress over the annual physical in the morning. Definitely excited about finally having a primary doctor who cares about me and listens and actually develops a detailed medical plan to take care of this body as it moves along in years. Wanting to be under 200 pounds. Wanting the lab results to get me free health care next year. Wanting a solution to the on-going medical issues, finally. Sharing all that, up close and personal, finger to prostate and all. Hopefully I won't be up all night.

Wouldn't want to miss a call, right? lol

Narf :)

Falling Asleep

Low sugar, low energy, low calories, losing weight, falling asleep, suddenly. It was a busy day, starting early and cruising along, barely remember the details. Especially since I am falling asleep. Supervised DOT drug testing early, then stopped for a lean light lunch, then office work, a meeting, more office work. Monday, Monday, can't stop the day. No softball tonight so just 100 calorie protein drink and supplements for dinner. No wonder I am nodding off. Already gone.

Wish you were here.

Narf :)

Another Softball Practice

Three full hours without sitting, mostly pitching, in maybe 60 percent sun. Today, instead of trying to go on water and gatorade alone, I drank five protein shakes and some waters so the serious fatigue I felt yesterday was not there and I was able to jog around the bases after practice. Good fatigue. I got back here and a storm started so I at in the car playing with my new phone for fifteen minutes while trees fell over and flooding flowed and then, the sun came out again. Weather. Now a balanced meal of chicken, veggies, cheese, and a few shrimp. Then, most likely a nap.

There's a reason for all this, I hope.

Narf :)

Time (Revisited)

It takes time (and some may call it work), but sitting at the computer has never felt like work to me. Digging ditches, mowing lawns, painting ceilings, now that's work. Of course age plays a roll there as the physical labor was more fun and more exercise than work when I was younger. Work is in the eye of the beholder. I mean, some even might call rhyming work. In any case, the tedious matching of links to words as found in some blog entries (rhyming or not) can be like work, but it's still fun to me. Informative, too. If anyone would ever click through.

Do you have the time?

Narf :)

Laundry and Rest

After the nap, which was just about four hours, I started laundry and continued resting with the Animaniacs and Pinky & the Brain in the background as has been the pattern for the past few weeks. Before that, if you recall, it was The X-Files for well over a month. Background TV is an old friend and keeps the lonelies at bay... sometimes. Blogging does to... sometimes, but at least it proves I am still alive, still here, still caring, and still wanting to share. In case it matters. Hope you are well and happy and doing what you want to do and getting what you want in life.

Or at least you keep trying. :)

Narf :)

Filled-Up

Four leg-thigh pieces of chicken and a veggie-cheese blend and a protein drink and I am filled up. I had a protein drink and a large gatorade and a pickle and a small gatorade at the fields today. It was hot, the week-long low-calorie diet left me weak in spite of the pork and veggies meal from last night. Hopefully I did not turn the weight loss around too much because being under 200 pounds on Tuesday at the doctor's for my physical is very important to me. I good, not great workout at the fields. I hope for ore running and working out tomorrow, which is why I had the big meal today and will drink a couple more protein drinks before tomorrow. For the moment, I am falling asleep so I will give in to an afternoon nap.

All this must have some purpose, right?

Narf :)

Lost Track

Most of the time I am keeping track of my writing by cutting and pasting links to posts into a notepad file. There was a time when I put those links online (like an on-going table of contents, ya know?), but I have not made time to catch up with that blog in quite a while. It makes some blog entries sadly go unnoticed (as if you are missing something, right?) Posterity (and anyone who cares enough to want to know) will just have to find it all (and me) for themselves, itself, himself, herself, yourself, and so on. I could still have a few wonderful years with the one (the romantic dream never dies {you've seen the sequel to Phantom, right?} in y own random harvest) so not all is lost. Just a track or few.

There's always hope... off to play some more softball now.

Narf :)

(e)thereal

I know there was a reason I have this entry sitting here in draft mode for more tan a year, but the only clue is this link I have sitting here in this empty box that was saved as a draft entry. I must have wanted to encourage you to visit my previous blog for some reason, like perhaps I updated thelanding entry or added an entry or few behind that (as if they were always there, chronologically), wich is something I do to that blog now and then as it holds hope for so much of who I am and my dreams of what life can be, along with many years of whining, venting, complaining, aching, and other serious struggles. The hope is what matters most, in the end. And, in the end, the love.

(e)thereal is full of love, especially hope for love.

In case it matters.

Narf :)

Why I Love Wacko

It's no secret that Wacko Warner is my favorite all time cartoon character. Bugs is right up there, after all, my Facebook profile is named after him, but Wacko is the top, ummmm, whatever he is. His genius below even paid homage to Bugs so perfectly as Bugs hands the phone (and the wackiest toon torch) to Wacko ordering pizza. If you don't love him as much as I do, that's ok, you're not me and guess what, that's just right. Be you. I mean you can (and hopefully do) love me all you want, but be you, as yourself, who you really are inside. Wacko inspired one my earliest online profiles, Anonanonanon, 4/toon/here. You know a/s/l was nearly mandatory in the early chat rooms and me being anti-conventional (which takes being unconventional to impossible to convent levels), I rebelled against those who were taking on hero worship or macho sexual personae to be real as I am inside. Sharetruth, Childinside, and Anonanonanon. That was me way back when the internet way a baby bulletin board.

Anyway, if you get it, you may get me... this is why I love Wacko.

Narf :)

Why Can't I Be a Toon?

You know I fall in love with internet people for a moment and how some return for repeated fawning and acclaim and a very few fuel sensual fantasies that I respectfully don't write about much because I am less an exhibitionist and more a closet pervert? Well, none of that is happening tonight. Tonight I am imagining someone who might actually understand the way my brain works. Like Pinky, sometimes. Not everyone can accept differences like this mom, after all. Alas, I wasn't unschooled. I resisted conformity for a very long time, but fatigue and loneliness are not fun and I want to share fun. Of course I am not interested in publishing or marketing so here we are, my beloved audience and me.

And you, you are still there, right?

Narf :)

Finally Food

Too much, after all. Or is that, as usual. I made only half of what I started making, but I still ate more than I should have in a single sitting. Eating is such a sensual pleasure and one of the few I have available. Sure, there's self-stimulation of the genitals (did I not want to attract search engines with the word masturbation?... oops, too late), but that physical rush, aloe, is just one of the fun things one can do with this human body, alone. I can watch Animaniacs and Pinky & The Brain for intellectual stimulation. I don't have Einsteins or Williams or Hawkings or Bugs around, after all, so I amuse myself in my own mind. So after a week-long strict diet of liquid protein, vitamins, and supplements, I threw onions, peppers, peas, corn, garlic, a cauliflower rice stuff, canned pulled pork, some bit of cheese (yes, a bit), some mustard and a few squirts of barbecue sauce into glass bowl and microwaved it for a bit over 20 minutes, stirring at the 15 minute mark or thereabouts. It was yum.

Hope your night was yum too :)

Narf :)

r25 vs tower 25. baumgaurd

Serious In The Concentration, It Is

Focus, aye? Willpower is so easy when I want to do it. So this week and last week I had one large calorie day, one medium calorie day, and all the rest were minimal calorie days. That's maybe 2500, 1800, and 600, respectively. Yesterday was 260 and today was 360. Fasting for tomorrow's lab work. The goal of under 200 by the end of the month was moved up to next Tuesday (when Wimpy is supposed to pay for the hamburger I bought him today) because the annual physical is Tuesday. I will eat after that.

It's been a good week.

Narf :)

Maybe It Was The Day Before

Actually, I think I actually crashed last night early and slept lots of hours. The night before must have been the Toon Blast marathon. Tonight some more, but also two kids of Solitaire and Spades. Playing too long leaves me bleary-eyes so focusing on anything else is amusing. Typos may abound in this condition and here we are again. I really should be sleeping. Fasting labs in the morning. Then, another work day Then, maybe some food lol. Heading toward 190 I hope. Then, continue this time. We shall see what the doctor's scale says on Tuesday. Tuesday night I may pasta-out lol.

Wish you were here...

Narf :)

Next Entry

Finally bought a case today. Went for the Otter Defender. I now have a massive phone. I miss the tiny footprint in my pocket, but my eyes love the bigger screen. I also bought a phone holder for the car since the navigator doesn't work. Do not buy a Toyota if you want the bells and whistles. It's still a well made cheap basic car, but the extras suck. I hope the dealer will be able to connect the new phone to the car without charging a lot. I'm read to take the dash apart myself if the cost is ridiculous. The navigator is five years old anyway, so it's somewhat useless ($179 a year to update the maps... they neglected to mention that fact when they sold me the $1200+ navigator bells and whistles package).

Anyway, I'm, enjoying the phone. The savings is hurting and I'm stuck here longer, but I am enjoying the phone. Would you like to donate to the health and comfort fund?

Narf :)

Toon Blast & Other Games

So I downloaded a few games to the new phone and after nodding off in the chair about 8 PM, I laid down and started playing and six hours later I thought to myself... self... I should probably get some sleep tonight. Loneliness, some, but my obsessive game playing genes woke up and that's never a good thing while I am working full time and playing ball and all that jazz. I was lucky ball was cancelled due to rain tonight because I was tired. Did I mention I was falling asleep in the chair at 8 PM?

Alone again, getting old.

Narf :)

Busy, Busy (and more busy)

Something must have happened today but I don't know what it is, can't recall the song. Staying strict on the reduced calories. Me and the new phone are getting acquainted. Work is progressing along nicely, getting things done and impressing the masses, or the few. Forgetting a meeting or two, but all was forgiven as I'm an important busy guy. I'm making stuff up a lot. Tired brain, low calories, low sleep, low life, you know the story. Still searching for love without really looking. Open, and all.

This entry may have been a waste of time.

Unless you love me :)

Narf :)

Another Tournament

The short end of season kind of tournament was this evening. The first place team plays the fourth place team, the second place team plays the third place team, the winners place for the championship plaque (no more trophies). We won first place for the league which got me a T-Shirt, so they can keep the plaque lol. First game was serious. The fourth place team brought a few tournament players way better than they had all season and they played mean - the umpires were way to easy on them, but they did call a guy out for hitting at me after he said he would twice. He cursed a lot and threw the bat at me (it landed halfway to to pitchers mound) and they didn't throw him out. Very weak umpiring, lucky there wasn't a fight. We answered with good plays and we won which really pissed off the tournament players. The championship game was even more exciting and much less mean. We were down 14-4 and came back to go ahead 22-17. In their final at bat they scored 4 runs, had runners on, and I got the last two batters to hit it in the air and our shortstop made a spectacular diving play halfway to right field. That's the way to win a championship.

So how was your Monday? :)

Narf :)

Softball, Clean-Up, TV

I ate a lot more than I could have, maybe more than I should have, if I wasn't so lonely, yes, it's loneliness that drives me tonight to eat more than I might, if I wasn't so lonely. La la la. Out late just three or four hours sleep, then pushed myself more than usual at softball. Felt great. Exhaustion felt great too. Then shopped for canned food to eat lean and water and protein drinks. I ate three cans of pulled pork, a bag of chopped onions, and a can of corn mixed together with a sauce made of BBQ sauce, cheese sauce, and ketchup with garlic. I ate half in the afternoon and probably should have let myself fall asleep late afternoon, but instead I drank protein drinks (three all together today) and here we are... bleary brained and blurry eyed, or some such mixture of the two, listening to and sort of watching TV. In between, I cleaned the room and there is much less clutter and much more organization.

Naturally, that leads to increased loneliness.

Narf, and all that :)

3:33

Arriving back to the bedroom at 3:33 AM, knowing I must be awake at 8:)) AM (at the latest) to get out to softball practice (and I go to Facebook to verify the time and suddenly it' an hour later because I decided to wander Jackson's FB because she posed fun times with Brandy and family and I wanted to reminisce a bit so I wander back through her FB photos and wondered where I was cuz it doesn't even seem like I exist except in a few photos from years ago and I started wondering if I am erased from the memories and photo albums of everyone I've ever known in this life, and alas, nevermind.

Really, I should be sleeping.

Narf :}

Well, So There

Testing... I'll be back. And I was. So, after months of not receiving copies of my blog posts or notifications of comments in emails here in blogger-land, I finally stumbled upon a fix. It only took an hour or two to get it done. About thirty clicks per blog, and me having more than a few blogs, well. Twenty-seven hundred (yes, 2700) clicks later, I should finally be back in touch with my blogs here at blogger. Thanks for the "upgrade" google. So if you have left a comment or tried to reach me since some time in May of this year, please try again. I'll know if you comment now.

That is all, for the moment.

Narf :)

Nothing To Prove

But proving it anyway. If the plural of mouse is mice, would the plural of spouse be spice? Some men might take that one seriously. Then we can always ponder if dollars turned into donuts, everyone's wallets would be too squishy to sit down. Yes, I quote the second most brilliant toon (or perhaps the third, though Bugs is a leader among toons and always will be), Pinky.

So I'll just follow-up yesterday's slipped-in entry with this one, back from the future, because the madness is still simmering under all the blooming gloom and doom and crowded little room. The phone doesn't ring. The emails do not come. There are no knocks on the door (or the ceiling, yeah, nobody wants me). Still, the fun is on-going inside even when the world is crumbling outside.

Exhaustion doesn't help.

Narf :)

I'll Just Drop This Here

Since I was apparently in a funk or wah wah poor me depressive poverty trap thinking (not necessarily a thinking error because the state of life as it is can be quite suicidal on so many levels these days), but definitely an out of focus misguided arrow that was hitting a target I never really want to aim at and if you understand that, well, then you might understand why I have not been babbling in the dirt, drama, & details blog as much as I used to. That (whatever that is), and the lack of time due to full time work, lots of softball, uncomfortable living space, inconsistent sleep, a plethora of distractions, and assorted unpleasant sundries. Still, through it all, I endeavor to fill the blogspace with words and there is this that and that other thing (oh really? which all goes to show, fun happens. No matter what, fun happens.

Even when you are gone.

Narf :)

Poverty Sucks

Six hours of searching roommate sites, sending out messages, then switching to apartment sites, searching for something affordable, and nothing. This world is simply too expensive to live in for me anymore. I am accepting death that comes from living in poverty because I do not have a choice anymore. I don't want to fight for the holy dollar anymore. I am giving up.

At least for tonight, I have a long day tomorrow.

Narf.

Long Lost Weekend

No drugs or drinking involved, just a whole lot of time passing between Friday morning and Monday afternoon and a whole lot of fun, frivolity, awkwardness, challenge, bad luck, good fortune, driving, playing, eating, and a little by of sleeping tossed in just for the health benefits, a touch of pondering, even (or is that touched pondering?). Want more details? Here's some No comments:

Sunday Flop, Car Hop

So we come out to play our first game in the loser's bracket and we were flatter than we were in the first tournament game. We lost big, only scoring 1 run and that was in the bottom of the seventh inning on my single to right field. I would have stayed at the fields and cheered on teams, but driving. The long ride back to where I live, starting on I24 as usual. Stopping for more junk food (Sonic, 3 bags of chips, sugar drinks, two cans of Starbucks Expresso Double Shot with protein in cans). Arriving here with just a few hours to sleep before needing to head into work. I could have flown the same initial reservations and saved almost $1000.

Narf and learn.

Narf :)

Saturday At The Fields

Waking to be at the fields with an 8:00 AM start time, we got off to a slow start but won both round robin games and finished with the #1 seed for the start of the tournament. Lunch was at Chili's, my least favorite of the chains. I ate a shrimp fajitas. Bland, not enough flavors or sides, but good.

The really bad news is we completely flopped in the first tournament game and was knocked into the loser's bracket. The weaknesses of the team the coaches put together were glaring, but they did not seem to want to change the batting order (1 hitter was very anxious and inconsistent, 3 hitter was trying to power every ball and made a lot of outs, 4 hitter sucked and was swinging at crap and killing rallies. The first tournament game most hitters showed no patience at the plate and bailed out a struggling pitcher. The runs scored came from the bottom of the lineup (I batted 1.000 with several walks in the 9th spot in the lineup in the round robin but was just 1 for 3 in the first tourney game because I was trying too hard. Hopefully coaches will change things up tomorrow).

Fun, mostly, but why don't players listen to coaches and why don't coaches change things that are not working are puzzles I may never understand. Dinner was at Logan's Steakhouse (no foodies on this trip) where I ate shrimp and ribs with corn and mushrooms as sides. The cook sucked, two people sent food back and the rest of us complained, but mine was what I'd expect - edible but not cooked right. There were many restaurants to choose from, but this group wanted familiarity of a chain. Why travel, I wonder, if you choose to eat and experience nothing new.

I know, I'm such a foodie.

Narf :)

Friday In the Car

Friday was challenging. Alone in the car for 14 hours, the last four in the dark in the pouring rain driving the winding I24. I did stop for food, fast food, and to stretch and so on, which added even more time, but the rush hour traffic driving through Atlanta was the worst. I am not sure people in the Atlanta areas know how to drive. Four accidents. I finally got to the hotel and backdated this entry so it still reflects Friday's date. Whipporwills sing. Eyes close.

Narf :}

Life of Illusion

I really don't know what is going on in the world quite often these days. I sit with people at lunch sometimes and they talk about things that everyone seems to know about and I just listen and eat. Eating is my favorite thing to do at lunch, so I'm quite happy, but it's strange that the world outside of my head is so strange to me when am in groups of people. I am still very much back here in many ways, or even further back waiting for someone to find me (come to my window... alas, it is a broken link but you can still find it on the wayback machine if you want to, I mean, in case it matters to you :)... see me drooling? Someday I will download all of those thousands of pages and recreate the web world I used to live in... just like someday I'll unpack all of the stuff in storage... if I live long enough... maybe then I'll remember what this journey was all about...as if I didn't know) lol.

Ok, so what's going on in you?

Marvin Who? lol.

Narf lam :)

Laundry, TV, iPhone

The primary task today was to get all the laundry done. I did some packing, but it rained too much for me to clean out the car and set up the trunk for the trip so hopefully it won't rain tomorrow evening because I'd rather have nothing to do except drive Friday morning. All the laundry is done. Between load transfers, the Animaniacs, Pinky, The Brain, and their assorted co-characters kept me company. While listening and glancing up at the TV, I continued exploring and learning the new iPhone. I am still frustrated with the poor contact management capabilities. I should have considered that ore closely and researched it in more depth. It seems insidious that the only way to manage private information like contacts is to put it all on the internet where there are a hundred data breaches every day. It is as if big companies make it easy for corruption and illegal activities and Apple leads the way. Just putting a small database on the phone would secure personal data, but then, that does not seem to be what Apple wants.

I'll try calling support, again, one of these days.

For now, sleep.

Narf :)

Lots of Suckage

Certainly what we have here is a failure of humanity, but instead of putting this in the meaningless complaint blog where it belongs, here we are. ATT Sucks. The most. They made it so challenging to get the phone I wanted that I decided to kick them to the curb at the next opportunity, which unfortunately won't be until next winter, but still, I cut the phone cord and spent more to get an unlocked phone. Fifteen dollars more a month, but for a shorter time, after jumping through a dozen hoops ATT created to keep customers from buying phones anywhere but through them. I forgot all the middle suckage. Apple Sucks. At least the Apple Store at the Mall of Millenium in Orlando Florida sucks. The sales person rushed and lost hundreds of texts that were vital to my reconnecting with the people who reached out to me in the past two weeks. It was do it his way, fast as possible, without paying any attention to my questions, concerns, and what I wanted. They did specifically what I told them I did not want them to do, deleted my messages without letting me see them even when I asked five times to not delete them until I could look through them, connected my phone to the cloud without any regard for any security instructions I game them, and then left me to figure out how to fix what they did by calling tech support when there were a couple of dozen geniuses all around. I asked how to turn off all the attempts to get me to sign up for stuff that kept popping up on the phone, some of which required payment and without knowing how to turn off their auto-pay Apple Pay app, I'd be refusing to pay for things I didn't even realize I authorized util after I clicked "Continue" just to get access to my phone. No help. So I had to call Apple Support to resolve other set up issues because they were too busy and made it clear I was in their way at the table where they asked me to sit. Amazingly entitled techy snobs with no costumer service skills. Then, within two hours of paying for the phone, I received 10 emails from Apple, most trying to sell me something. A lot worse than Microsoft, which was shocking. Capitalism sucks.

But I have a new phone, the one I wanted. Yay phone.

Narf :)

Me Still Hungry

Me want carbs. Simple Sugars. Me bloated though. Much protein today. Chicken and protein drinks. Body needs sleep to digest better. Still reaching out in my mind to anyone who cares. Imaginary friends too, cuz they care the most. I thought you knew. So many profound and wondrous thoughts pass through my mind. Too bad I don't write them down instead of the dribble babble. I should save them somewhere. Too bad humans don't come with an SD card slot. Or a floppy, even. There are those ho say we do, but I don't think they're taking about the same thing I'm talking about. Ok, so I changed my hotel reservation to two nights. That means I am either flying out Sunday night or I am sleeping at the airport, paying more for a Delta flight Monday morning, and rushing from the airport to work to give Orientation. I should have checked if Orientation is happening, huh? I must cancel the Monday evening flight tomorrow.

Would you like to swing on a star?

Again?

Narf :)

Yeah, Right

Another day comes to a close with more disappointment and failure, but I'll do what I meant to do and leave that for the dirt, drama, and details blog. What we have here is a failure to communicate. Another doctor visit, shopping for a phone, light lunch, work, a meeting, more work, light dinner, more shopping for a phone, softball follies, and light almost midnight snack, and here we are.

Seems like old times.

Narf :)

Non, Really?

Just cuz No, Really must have been done before, more than once, though I don't remember a TV show by tat name and I think it would be a good one. Especially lately. I mean, there's so much going on almost every day that deserves that response. Most people have been fooled by billionaires into being so ow paid they don't have time or energy to think for themselves and they are herded by ideas and lies into angry mobs that vote their own interests... no, really? More than half the human population kill themselves by making poor lifestyle choices, no really? Mot of the other half die because they don't have access to medical care, no really? More than 2,000 children die each day (and well over a million people a year) from diarrhea, no, really? I have diarrhea a lot, no really?

Oh sure, make a self-mockery of reality, that's the way to get through another day.

No, really?

Narf :)

Focused Exhaustion

Well if you haven't explored this entry then you missed out on a lot. You may not be interested in a lot, or me, for that matter, but that entry is available with linkage and more to give you some deeper insight into who I am, in case it matters. Meanwhile, today I focused exhaustion and it brings me to want someone to care more than most days, but life goes on and I accept what I get. Three hours of softball this morning in blazing heat and I forgot my cooler so I had to buy $17 worth of drinks and even that wasn't enough. I survived, barely. Back here to shower and lay down for a half hour and then, out to Best Buy to get a new phone. Reluctantly for many reasons (locking into the most expensive carrier, ATT, for another 30 months feels like such a trap), I am choosing a Best Buy deal on an ATT iPhone. The phone could not be purchased, however, due to ATT not updating my profile in six years, or longer. I went to Jackson's after that and we bowled. I finally ate when I gt back here and now, it is bedtime. Hope you had fun today too.

Narf :)

Revealing What?

Sometimes it is like a placeholder (and those that follow, if you follow) for thoughts not yet fully formed, but the babbler can find anything once set free. Wherever they are. Whatever it is. And we can sprinkle bullsugar over it all as I once played, but the music was shut down long ago, not too long after the singer died, or was that the other way around? In any case, the past twelve hours found six letters written to four people who matter to me on very different levels for very different reasons. Just when we thought there was nothing, something happened, appeared, came out of the blue. The first (I think) was a letter to an old friend from childhood whom I never met and if that sounds strange, well, you should see the PS lol. Then came a letter to a new friend I never met, a new friend found through a pen pal site who wrote after a six month absence. A renewal f contact that may still be tentative, yet still feels good. Then came a letter to an old friend who was a brother, a best friend in high school who's house was more home to me than almost any other any home I've ever known. Nostalgia flood when I think back to there and then. Wonders of wonders. The good was so very good, the best ever. The bad was so sad, perhaps the worst ever. The ugly was just plain stupid, but then, isn't that what high school is about? lol lam lal. Then came two separate responses to Jackson, my current closest human, friend, sibling, mirror, and reluctant part-time caretaker of my madness.

And so it's not Xmas, and what have we learned? :)

Remember laughter? :)

Narf :)