Elliptical Blues

While this title has the potential to go in a variety of directions, it is simply a reflection of the long and winding road today was as I searched for the elliptical machine that would be right for me. I was all but set on the Sole 95s last night after doing much research, but Dick's Sporting Goods and Sole insured I would be very disappointed and lost a sale of more than $2000 because Dicks is the only Sole retailer in the area and the Sole 95s is not available in any Dick's location and I will not buy a $2000+ exercise machine without trying it out. As you may notice, I am not even linking it here, that is how much Sole disappointed me. Then, after a half dozen specialty gym equipment stores, I was left undecided on the right elliptical because I was introduced to a half dozen brands I never found in my research because I always searched for the search for the best elliptical only lead me to the best home elliptical.

Expanding into the much better commercial/gym equipment arena, I found that the quality of elliptical machines twice the price of the best Sole far out-shined the Sole, especially since the only Soles I could try were cheaper, inadequate models. So I came home and spent a few hours researching the elliptical machines regardless of price range and I found the best rated and most well endowed (features) was the almost $9,000 Precor that I won't even link here since I'm not buying a half a new car for my living room. Probably lol.

I will link the few elliptical machines reviews for elliptical machines I might consider, now that I am pushing myself to around $4,000 (not including assembly or tax) and I was 95% settled on the True Fitness es700 when I noticed it does not have Bluetooth. No Bluetooth on a $4,000+ elliptical? These manufacturers are amazing in their cost cutting. Then, while the Matrix E50XIR has appeal for several reasons, most especially web access and a full tablet (though I likely won't need it in the living room) interface, and maybe suspension, it's failure to offer variable stride lengths shoots it down. Which leads me to nudge the Octane Q47xi, which may be cheaper, into stiff competition for the purchase spot, though it does not appear to have a touch screen and sinks for other reasons, alas. Wait, we're far from done.

Both the the True and Octane (conveniently at the same store) will need a revisit and more intensive inspection. Along with the LifeTrainer series, wherever I found them, even though thy have the weakest warranty (so why no confidence in your expensive product, aye?). Still, none absolutely wow me and for four grand or more, I'd like some wow, if not absolute wow. So all in all, I ave no decision, no elliptical, and I am singing the elliptical blues. On the other hand, some say pondering before spending several thousand dollars is generally a good thing to do.

Did I mention how much I appreciate my dear friend Jane? She not only hung in there with me for more than six hours of driving around and testing equipment, but they pushed me hard enough about health to get me to walk almost 4,000 steps in a half hour tonight after dinner. If only she lived closer, alas, but still, I send so much thanks and love to Jane for caring motivation to stay alive, the elliptical just has to be purchased now.

So what did you do today?

And So It Goes Again lol

With a laugh and a sigh, but a whole lot more laugh this time, I find myself too excited to sleep. There will be long babbling entries in at least a few places if you play your cards right, but for now, let's just say Jane came through with exactly what I needed and I am bouncing around because I am planning on spending up to $2500 tomorrow on an elliptical machine. The finalists with links and information about how to choose will be accessed in an email on the phone. The maps are made and will also be accessed on the phone. The fact that Jane is willing t spend hours in a car with me to finally get this gift I am giving myself is the best gift I've received from anyone outside of me in years.

So I wrote a long letter to Jackson all about it. Manic up, manic down, manic spinning all around. The sadness of loneliness and the absence of personal caring or intimacy is overwhelmed by the excitement and joy of the caring anticipated for tomorrow. Tomorrow. I love ya, and actually, it is already today.

Meanwhile, I loafed around much of the day, waching TV, after waking at 4:30 Am and going back to bed after chatting with TA, then waking again about 9:30 and laying back in the recliner to relax and waking again at 12:30... no wonder I'm so easily wired. The delicious Indian food for dinner helped as I splurged (it was TA's choice) on the buffet and a dinner. I wanted lamb and they had no lamb on the buffer. I still have lamb and rice and onion bread for tomorrow, so two meals for $33 is not bad. Next time, the buffet will be enough even though I want to try other dishes on their very long menu. The foodie loves me, the body, on the other hand, sighs and hopes to wake up each day (so why do I laugh?)...

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I mean today, the elliptical. Hope. And a yummy frozen yogurt stop for dessert, oh yeah!.

Then, some cleaning around the place, taking the trash cans out to the curb, bouncing about a bit, and then, sitting here with all this energy and excited anticipation and babbling on in depth about me and Jackson and Brandi and life in general. A self-help book must be in there somewhere. I a few, even lol. If only the editor would come. Jane? lol (ok, don't push the luck lol).

May your night shine!

Narf :)

And So It Was Xmas

Eight hours of hugs and snuggles was a kindness. A gift I gave myself as I pet sat for Jackson and Brandi. A dog and two cats and lots of hugs and snuggles. I found excuses to stay until they got home even though they said I could leave (was it you can leave as in you should leave cuz we really don't want the awkwardness of you being there when we get home or you can leave as in you've given enough and we appreciate it but we know you have to work tomorrow so you can leave even though we want to see you even if for just a moment on xmas?... I may never know and my brain hurts thinking about it... or is that my heart... sigh) so I got a human hug too. Well, a half hug. Two, actually, so it was kinda sorta a full hug. Jackson gives half hugs, Brandi doesn't hug, but I take what I can get. Even when it's awkward. It's my way of pretending I have family. They told me I didn't have to stay, in fact, I think they were telling me to not be there when they got back, or maybe the awkward comes from something else, like not exchanging gifts, or my pretending they are family. Hey, we all want family sometimes, right?

Am I revealing too much?

Merry Happy.

Narf :)

Ho Ho Ho

Who you calling a ho?!? Ah yes, words are sill all the fun there is to write, even if we're not in a one horse open sleigh. Morning rolls over the dark of night and brightness booms around as the sun shines with hardly a cloud in the sky (there are almost always the higher fluffy white clouds in this part of the world, Florida, but they are few today. This afternoon will likely see more). It's 66 degrees and should reach 75 degrees in a couple of hours and stay that way most of the afternoon. I'll be heading up to Jackson and Brandi's place to pet sit and watch the big screen (they have a 75 inch TV) and maybe get a Christmas hug (thee's always hope)...

so see ya later :)

Narf :)

Sleep Pains

Lately there of been sleep pains. Back of the neck. Stiffness. Both sides. Like the body wants to start hunching over big time. Is that age.? Is that weight? Is that diet? Is it something else? Whatever it is, it hurts.

It appears the body is looking for attention.

That was a late night, or maybe middle of the night entry (as the time-date stamp shows). Waking early, I'll float around in my head a bit before the day begins outside of my head. The above will be expounded on in the babbling daily. If you're new to this written garden, or new to the blog world paths through the garden, read the links on the right to get your bearings. Thanks for wanting to know more.

Make today fun, even if you are working. It's Hump Day, after all! lol.

Gotta go now, Santa is running late and needs a hand.

Narf :)

Still In Here

And then there's is this, as if there was any doubt (as if anyone can understand), as if you might let it out, as if you might hold my hand... What are you doing here, are you here now? Without pausing at the question mark, may I ask how? Of course I may ask, I just did, but will you allow an answer to come out to play? Will you allow yourself something to say? Is the longest pause on the shortest day? What a reference to what a reference, anyway?

And then there's laughter. As the morning darkness wraps around me. Waking long before sunrise, pretending some one finally found me. Embracing all the love and everything in life, the universe, and everything, the alarm reminds me it's just another day to get ready for work and give more to others than I give to myself. Still, waking earlier enough to write is the natural delight I can still gift to my shelf, were the best of me awaits sharing with a caring someone else.

Maybe today, or tomorrow, after the leftover pizza and pasta and chocolate and everything else others in this life bring to celebrate their holidays, yes maybe tomorrow or the next day I will finally return to my sense and stop the weight-gaining high calorie diet. Maybe next week, maybe next year, maybe next life? Oh that laughter right there can cut like a knife lol.

Did I mention I started sprinkling monosodium glutimate on my food lately?

Start your day off with a laugh, even if its only at yourself.

That's the best way to maintain good mental health.

And if you trip or stumble and fall.

Just remember.

We all live in the madhouse on the other side of the wall.

Narf :)

A Day Early, No Doubt

That is this, no doubt. The story of today is told in waves. Nightmares wake me, hot shower braces me, for the long day, working and slaving, loving the game because there is nothing else. Without love, what else s there to do. Homemade chocolate peanut butter Ritz cracker cookies find their way on my desk. Everywhere I look, more snacks, more treats, more food. And chocolate, I give into the chocolate. Then, arriving home, there's TA back from his trip. He needs to return the rental car, so I follow him to the airport and sure enough, we have a decadent pizza for dinner. So much for stating the fast today. Did I mention the Oreos soaked in chocolate syrup? Only five.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll stop the food madness and return to my healthier madness.

So how are you and yours?

Narf :)

Stop The Food Madness

Yes, I believe I am almost ready to stop the food madness. The body has not been giving good rest often enough in the past few months and it is showing in the weight gain and other ways, including red, sometimes slightly scaly, bags under the eyes. Overdoing salt, sun, irritating sun glasses on the field (sun, sweat, and glasses), and excess weight all play a role and all have increased in recent months. I must remember sunblock and get rid of the irritating sunglasses (I only have a hundred pair, I should find some light comfy ones, right? lol). The alt intake has been ridiculously high for a period of minimal exercise and cooler weather. So adjust, dangit, and get healthier again. Elliptical!

Time for a shower, at least.

Narf :)

Testing E-Posts and Other Stuff

This is a post by email. Just testing. And with that, I am adding to the first post that was sent via email. That was the major accomplishment for today. I cooked and ate, I did some laundry, I did dishes and cleaning the kitchen swept the floor, cleaned the bathroom, snacked on pistachio nuts and chocolate milk, played some games, watched some TV, pooped, showered, all the usual stuff.

So I had nothing to say, but I tested the email posts anyway.

Hope you had fun today too.

Narf :)

Good Morning World

Waking as the doorbell rings (the trouble with a bed four feet from the front door, even when I sleep in the recliner ten feet from the front door, but directly under the doorbell), still buzzing from the food high, sore butt from sitting too long and the usual skin irritations, chocolate chip cookie, chocolate mousse, and heavy whipped cream just to my left, pistachios to my right, and looking at a cat who's looking at me, looking for food and attention, good morning world.

This blog would likely be so different if I had a partner. There'd likely be so much more the say about so many other things. As it is, the report on the mundane details of a solitary life continues to dominate the rambles. Is there any wonder why nobody leaves a comment, I mean, rarely. Nobody wants to try to be a close friend online or off, but occasional close friends (a unique category, no doubt) are still more fun than none. So last night was fun, a couple of hugs (hugs are rare in this life in my world... I've gotten too used to living without them, so even at parties I forget to offer), a bit of conversation, an amusing local show, a bi of catching up with an old friend, and a long drive (more than two hours), topped off by some yummy food (detailed elsewhere).

This morning, I woke and started reading a long email from a newish pen pal (I'll have to check if I named him or her yet), during which I nodded off (hey no offense and no reflection on the writer, in fact, the rambling is so wonderfully familiar, I'd love to look into this stranger's eyes... it was really early, I was still high on food, exhausted from the week/month of work project, and reading is the best way to find sleep for me). Did I mention the doorbell woke me? Still groggy and food high, maybe I'll nap soon lol.

So good morning already, and how are you? :)

Narf too :)

Work, Fun, Food High

Days blur, continued. Twelve, thirteen hours days without a break. Making the project work from within, in spite of the ridiculous level of mismanagement by the manager in charge. My manager has been given full authority to lead the project now and I'm making it happen by constantly making rounds, asking questions, guiding all the managers through many mini-projects that are part of the whole.

Then, stopping home for a minute to feed the cat (TA is still away, due back tomorrow I think), and off to Monteverde to see a show wit Jane, picking her up along the way. About an hour and a half to get there, with traffic. The trip home can be less than an hour. Good to spend some time with Jane and a Fun community theater performance by the group Jane has performed with a few times.

Then, home for dinner (yes, midnight dinner, first meal to... wok is that non-stop these days). Egg Salad, shrimp, and pistachio nuts. The egg salad was doctored with extra mayo {light}, a little mustard, smoked salt, onion powder, and a touch of msg. Cole slaw on the side. For dessert, decadent chocolate chip cookies and extra heavy whipped cream. A little chocolate milk. I skipped the rolls and chocolate mousse.

Then, crash lol. :)

This Morning

Thanks to the Moody Blues, and others... waking up is always better with music and memories of dreams and hopes and love. Even when I am exhausted and overworking and bleary eyed (waking with dark reddish half moons that last an hour or two or more these days), memories and the music that reminds me are what life is about when alone.

Off to work now. Another long day in a series of long days. Starting off with a big smile. :)

Narf :)

How Many Roads...

Where is that wind, anyway? The answer is really quite simple. It wasn't normal. Friends mattered more than falling in love. I was a fool wrapped in ego and kindness and lust, mistaking it all for love and trust. In case it matters, Happy Birthday.

Sunday Morning Softball

Well, it appears that I will be hooked up with Sunday morning softball for a while as one of the most organized (and winningest) coaches finally has me in his stable (he's wooed me for years and finally gave up). We are creating a new E Division team and his C and D Division teams will all practice together with the new E Division team every week. It is a great idea as the lower Division layers can learn side by side from upper Division players and the organized consistent practices work best for getting a team to be a team. This morning went well and while I wanted more exercise than I got, especially more hitting than I got, today was try outs for all three teams and I look forward to more structured practices. Five E level players signed up so we are halfway to fielding a team and more than a third of the way to having a roster that has the right amount of players (good to have 14-15 players so when people miss a week there's still 10, and when not everyone can travel to tournament there's still at least 8, 6 at minimum). We'll need more players, a name, and jerseys, and yay!

Cleaning the house moved into second gear today. TA won't be back until Friday or Saturday and in spite of another over-filled work week, my goal is to clean everywhere before he gets back Dishwasher and Clothes Washer are running. A few loads done, a few more to go. I swept and vacuumed and picked stuff up off floor and assorted sundries. Bought a new combo lamp and wireless charger and it's perfect as it there's a slider to control luminosity and it sits neatly on a table out of reflection view of the TV (the old lamp was reflected in the TV) and close enough to reach easily and light the keyboard. LED, saves power, and $25. Impulse buy as I was at the store for detergent and dishwasher soap. $99 later, stuff. Also picked up wireless Bluetooth earbuds for $15. Cheap, but functional. Did not find the right way to play CDs though, so sorting through those still waits, as does loading them on the hard drive. Baby steps toward better organization of stuff, space, and entertainment.

Napped a couple of hours this afternoon after stopping for KFC for lunch. Impulse, again. I bought a lot so I have at least three more KFC meals so four or five full KFC meals for $32 is not bad. Food is all set for the week and beyond with the KFC, lasagna, meatloaf, shrimps, and scallops. The cat loves the fact that I eat a lot of shellfish because I share lol.

So how was your Sunday?

Hope it was fun.

Narf :)

More Party

Yes, it's that time of year and I started with a weight gain diet and the parties are not helping. Pass he laxatives and ointments, please. Anyway, Today's lunch with Helen was cancelled cuz her mom wasn't feeling well and though she suggested dinner, I already had dinner party plans as Izzy's annual holiday party was tonight and Helen doesn't like parties much so next week, perhaps. Jane has me hooked up for Friday night, but I think Saturday s still free so unless I am forgetting something, Helen will likely get me out for dinner Saturday. Spending on extra calories just seems to be the human way this time of year and I am not being an antisocial hermit, so my various groups of friends will be helping me spend money and gain weight. Where the f-u-know-what is that elliptical, dangit.

The day was relaxing, though every time I nodded off after I woke at sunrise, something brought me back to consciousness and sleep deprived remains my state of mind. The bowels and laundry and texts and games with Jackson, then Helen, the others, all day into the evening when I finally headed out to Izzy's party. She really has a nice condo for parties and about fifty people mingled around the place. Forty three participated in the white elephant gift exchange. I gave my gift to Sarducci because he is into what I received. After everyone ate and the gift exchanges, groups broke into games and we played Fact or Crap and Scattergories.

Heading home, I finally stopped at the post office (it must have been several months as there were toll bills from August in there... I'll call and figure out who I own and how to pay tomorrow or Monday), then here. Sleep would be the wise move now as I have softball practice in the early AM. I hope you are enjoying your life this weekend and you are doing what you need to do to make yourself happy.

Anything is possible when you accept happiness can be created in any situation.

Just do it.

Narf :)

Food Party

So I went to dinner, suddenly, after Tinman sent me a text reminding me about the birthday dinner for his daughter planned for tonight. I almost went to a show with Jane, but she was more into going next week so I was happy to get home and rest. I started cooking a big pan of lasagna and a bg pan of meatloaf when Tinman's text came in. I turned off the oven and headed out to Chili's. Ordering a full slab of baby back ribs and extra sides, I was psyched to chow down. When the food arrived there were thee ribs on the tray. Three ribs. I asked if that was what they called a full rack and the waiter said no, that's half a rack. He said he'd bring me to other half, but I told him to take it back because I wasn't paying $20 for six ribs. So I hung out and didn't eat, but had fun talking to the friends and yaying Tinman's daughter's birthday.

On the way home, I stopped for a Five Guys bacon cheeseburger and a bacon cheese dog. Oh so yum. Not quite done, I stopped for ice cream and cheese and tomato sauce to augment the lasgna and put the lasagna and meatloaf back into the oven. As midnight approached, the food party kicks into high gear. Save room for ice cream, right?

How was your night?

Narf :)

Long Game's Journey Into Night

I can't see clearly now the night has gone. Actually, I probably didn't or wasn't or not really. Fatigue affects focus, now more than ever. Effects, too. A major work project is sucking up so much time, more than thirteen hours a day on average, plus weekends, so little is the time for life outside of work. Laundry piles up and social life wanes. Still, I push and tonight, fun. Played games with the Commodore long into the morning, not even realizing the hour.

Oddly, in spite of the minimal socializing, I am eating more calories than ever, as if it's some sort of holiday month or something lol. Why am I laughing? Because, life is fun in spite of the lack of sleep and imbalance of work-fun. Time for sleep.

How about you?

Narf :)

The Project

The project is upgrading security at the government building and I'm doing a lot of the system set-up work and pushing the contractors to get their work done right and on time, as well as getting other government departments to get their work done right and on time. Not an easy thing when I technically have no authority to tell anyone what to do and the highest powers in the County are not fully behind the project they approved. Still, they gave the go-ahead, put my boss in charge, and because he is way too busy to take on management of this full time project, I'm doing it.

Meanwhile, news makes us stupid.

Off to work we go...

Narf :)

Another Long Day Into Night

Slept in, almost, all the way to 7:30. Woke, dressed, and headed to work. After a few hours I headed home to poop and shower. It was a challenge to get out and a challenge to get down. I actually had to help it manually at both ends, more work getting the toilet bowl to swallow than to get the body to let it out. What a mess, which is why I came home so I could shower after. Naturally, this should be in the babbling blog, dirt, drama, and details, but, here we are. Tuned off? Maybe you don't poop. Maybe you don't talk about it. I wish you well. Life goes on.

I headed back to work and prepared or the big annual meeting I conduct, then took care of some other project related business, communicated through emails on more routine safety tasks, then conducted the meeting. Almost no one fell asleep. I could have wrapped up better. As well prepared as I was, I found several presentation tricks I will use next time - if - I find the time. After the meeting, more project work and got home at almost 8. Tired and hungry, but definitely know it is time to drop the weight and take a break from food. Two cans of soup and a bag of shrimp with some spices, butter, and a touch of ketchup. Spices and fat, but much less than in the past week. Cheetos and dip as a side was probably not the best idea, but... I wasn't ready for cold turkey. You may recall I never really liked turkey hot either.

Craving chocolate now. No chocolate left, alas. Hopefully I am too tired to go get some.

So how was your day?

Narf :)

It Doesn't End...

...it just goes on and on... Yeah. That's what the movie line said. Whatever. If it is true, wonderful, hope someone is there to share it all. Forever and ever. Always too. Maybe I'm amazed. Jackson says she feels guilty when she finally realized she didn't respond to an email I sent weeks ago. I wonder why, since she responded to tell me she felt guilty. Why not just respond to the email and end the guilty feeling? Perhaps I ask for too much, as usual. I still don't understand people. Unless it really is all about fear. Empowering fear over love, wondering why they don't like the feeling. People let me tell you 'bout my best friend.

Another long day at the desk. Writing and formatting the new policy needed for the new project. Among other project related asks. Met with some higher management. Home to shrimp in a cheese sauce with bread and butter and chips. Yum. Chocolate mousse too. Yum. Shhhh, bloat happens. Shit too, we hope. There's always hope, ya know? So what else don't you know? TV all night long. Sleep, soon, hope again She sure does get around.

All you have to do is let it flow through and you'll know what's true...

Narf :)

Keep Coming Back

Living on this prayer, living on the hope that someone will care, la, la, la. Here I am again, wondering why, even though I know why and have explained many times (links are all around us). Still, sometimes I feel like it really doesn't matter because nobody cares and nobody will ever read these words and nothing changes. Still, I move through life changing steering my own vessel and mostly having fun. Enjoying work, enjoying play, most of all, enjoying myself. Wanting to share more personally, intimately, life, but still having fun inside and out.

Even if nobody ever understands. Physical exhaustion is rolling in. still awake, not fighting sleep, just longing for more sharing, for more caring for more. Kickball tonight, 8:30 pm game. Softball last night, 7:30 pm game and then I stayed to watch a few championship games on other fields. Good games. Late dinners, lotsa pasta. Little sleep. Weight up, energy down, too tired to play the clown, but still the smile is bigger than the frown.

Would you like to swing on a start?

Narf :)

Back to Work

Well, it was a long weekend, playing a tournament when half the team doesn't really want to play a tournament is not a lot of fun for me, but at least I get to play some softball. Five games, won two. Should have won all five, but lack of effort blew it. I'll be looking for another team going forward. It was a long trip back as the passenger was a rather needy talker ( He needed to stop every hour, at least. He dropped crumbs all over. He asked if e could drive every fifteen minutes, at least. He looked for reassurances in every other sentence) looking for commitments and I have enough neediness in my life (like mostly everybody) so I don't let it too close.Tough to do in a car for four hours.

Anyway, back to work today and no rest for the weary, softball tonight. Work continued to be project-dominated and I continued to have to take on more of the project all the time because another manager continues to mismanage his part of the project (which is the bulk of the project). So no rest, no breaks just moving the project along for the rest of the month.

Then, softball and we played ok, but we lost. Too many players too inconsistent to win this season. Still, those of us who can have fun, had fun.

Hope you had a full day too.

Narf :)

Be The Change

Something not sitting well with you, something not quite right? Make the change. Do what you need to do to feel right. Reach beyond the venting and writing or reading of meaningless complaints and do something, dammit! And so I shall. I won't be returning to the Sunday team next season. I will be creating a new team with the help of one of the best (and albeit, least liked because he can make the rules work for the team so well he is viewed as manipulative at best and a cheater by those who just don't understand or especially by those who simply choose to be sore losers) coaches on Sunday (at least that is the hope) and no longer be mismanaged by a disrespectful control freak with an ego he simply can't back up. I feel better about Sundays already. Anyway, in case it matters (still wondering, actually), I'll catch you up on the softball weekend in a previous post to be written and uploaded at a later moment.

Or something like that.

Narf :)

Undermined On The Field

Another step closer, I am. That is, I am another step closer to the decision to find another team. There are a few people who fun to play with because they know the game and want to win, but others openly express happiness when we lose because they don't want to play anymore. So why go to a tournament? Once again other teams win because they have better coaching and management and we go home losers, pretending we did well. Delusional thinking is not fun for me.

Adding to the emo-challenge, the real physical challenge that travel and altering my schedule presents to the body. It makes softball follies minor drama and puts life into perspective (and points out how nobody really knows me, but whatever, while it would be nice to have someone care enough to stay close enough know, I have all of you imaginary friends, right? lol). I took the chance of changing diet and supplement pattern and sure enough, the blood is flowing. Sucks, especially since I changed insurance and don't want to go to specialists in 2020, but I probably should try to get into see the gastro before the end of the year. I'm trying to give the kidneys a year off and hoping they will be ok. The bleeding, however, I should follow up on in the next week or two.

Time to head out to the softball fields and hope... the best I can do is do my best and ignore those who would rather lose than move their body. Hope you make the most of your day too.

Narf :)

Eh, Again

Bags under eyes, blood in the bowl, alone again, and not caring for the body as I should. Some mornings are like this. Yesterday's lack of effort from key members on the team didn't help. Some people just come to the tournaments for the drinking and social life, the getaway. They stand around watching the game with little interest, which wouldn't be terrible, unless they are on the field supposedly playing a position. The coach stood around watching the game from left field, so what incentive does anyone else have to give any effort? Meanwhile, three of the veteran players sat on the bench, while newer players played. Obviously, that carried over into my mood this morning, in spite of my burning the outfield twice for a double and a triple (without errors). So I played well and feel good about that, but...

Starting another day and trying to shake it off, but ready for today to be even worse... trying to resist expectations but when jumping into water how can one not expect to get wet... not much incentive to keep coming to these tournaments, at least not with this team. They know how I feel because I don't hide it, but they just don't care and continue quitting on the field, so it may be time for a change.

Make the most of your day.

Narf :)

Wonderful Day

It's all perspective, so today could have been just another day with human beings, when you spend a day with human beings you love, perspective changes. Yummy food, snacks, and desserts help much. I felt appreciated even loved. Also, I remembered what it felt like to be connected to people, especially a person who knows me. Most of all, I remembered the feeling of sharing hypersensitivity. Some consider hypersensitivity a bad thing, or at least challenging to the point of forcing less sensitivity. That is probably valid for anyone who has not learned to control their own sensitivity. I did a very long time ago.

I spent the day with Jackson's family and the moment that mattered most was one that only Jackson may have picked up on, though she didn't acknowledge it so that anyone would notice. We both cried, but I don't think anyone noticed I did, at least no one mentioned noticing. There was a bit of teasing aimed at Jackson because she she got visibly emotional over a TV commercial. Ok, so you had to be there.

Gonna need to get to sleep soon, long weekend of softball starting with a long early morning drive tomorrow and games in the afternoon and evening.

Hope you enjoyed a wonderful day too.

Narf :)

What Day Is It?

Not the camel's question, because I don't feel an amusing answer will arrive, but more reflective of the hyper-sensitive rebel child who never liked this holiday and whether my dislike of dry meat and the rest of the starches typically called a feast on this day, or the actual roots of the so-called holiday (does that word really come from "holy day," or is it more from "hole day" as in a hole in the work schedule, a hole in the wheels of progress of the modern madness of industrialization turned corporatism?... whatever), but this day brings out the hard-core curmudgeon, and it has since I was a very little child, instinct before could consciously articulate why I loathed the celebratory meal that completely ignores the fact that it started a duplicitous pretentious horror hidden by most modern historical records, I mean, when it's not American evil, it gets counted, but... and you can't even say it's just a white man's evil (though it mostly is), since many times white people are the victims too, but... the numbers of dead are even broken up so it doesn't seem as bad, but... we don't want to see that colonization was in itself intrinsically genocidal (the guy who said it only coined/defined the word, after all), but... it is there, if you just dig deeper (oh, what a horribly appropriate phrasing, shudder dot dot dot), but... I'm heading to Jackson's house soon, so rather than getting into the deeper personal reasons bend the title, let's accept the nearest distraction.

Hey look, a feather.

Not M'ok?

Narf.

I Went to a Dinner Party

To visit with some old friends... yeah, and on the way home I stopped for two bags of chips, onion dip, chocolate milk, and a chocolate mousse. Jane underestimated how much food she needed and I had a small plate. Some snacks. probably should have taken it as a sign. I didn't. So now I am bloated when I should have been bloated earlier and asleep by now. I stopped before getting to the mousse. Yes, that is how boated I am. And I spent $135 on cake, pie, chips, dip, fruit, rolls, and probably more I forgot about. One more reason to not like this holiday. I stay home, maybe I pig out and maybe I fast, and I save all that money. We can dissect why another time.

Long work day, exhaustion, feeling whatever leads to stuffing of the face.

Are you out there?

Narf... :)

Waking Early

So I woke a about 1 am, maybe 2 am, and stayed awake playing a game in bed, then showered around 4 am, threw a load of laundry in so I have what I need for the weekend trip (after moving TA's clothes out of the dryer and then moving his clothes from the washer to the dryer and then folding his clothes so I could use the dryer), then sat down here and wandered Facebook for an little while and just as I sat don here, TA appeared in the kitchen. He must have gone to sleep early too. Anyway, Waking early is refreshing sometimes. I slept about six hours, I think. Could have slept more, but the brain wanted to play in consciousness. Off to work soon. I'll go in early and leave early so I can make it out to Jane's house for a dinner party. I've got to remember to stop for stuff. Wait, that's tomorrow. Jackson has a list for m to bring. hopefully I'll find a store pen on the holiday. Tonight Tess said just bring me, so i'll find something decadent to bring along with me.

Life is a party if you make it so.

Narf :)

Getting Closer

To a point of no return? To a point where I will spend time and money on the elliptical. I am fairly certain that I sit here using this old 32GB SSD 2GB RAm Celeron laptop because the elliptical comes first. I watch TA's TV and have my 10 year old plasma TV as a back-up because the elliptical comes first. So maybe (we can hope) that I am getting closer to the elliptical. Maybe closer to a lot of other things, important and not, too. Like me. Do you like me? I'm important and not, at least. The day was average, which is good. When average is good, the better days are great and we are closer to wonderful, fantastic, and amazing all the time. Maybe that's it, whatever I mean. 99% desk work, again. So much more to be explored, but the mind is a terrible thing to waste and sometimes I just feel terrible. That's good to, sometimes. The irony of that commercial campaign is we've done so much, as a species and country, to waste minds over the past century plus. The industrial revolution required a lot of drones, and the powers in power made education very specific to eliminate free thinking, creativity, and any chance of rising out of dronedom. That's why so few do. Maybe we are getting closer to enlightening. Or the end. You be the judge. Jury?

Dinner was TA's leftover salmon and asparagus. I'm doing my best to resist more. Softball was adequate, walked twice, but didn't get to run as they pinch run for me every time on Mondays. Today they almost were going to sub for me, but they thought better when we were ahead and the other team couldn't hit my pitching well. We won 9-6. That team beat us 20-4 last week. We have a -30 run differential and are 5-4 on the season, winning most of our games by less than 3 runs. We win when I am pitching well and getting the calls behind the plate. We still didn't hit well, but we were a bit better in the field and I was getting the calls behind the plate that I was not getting last week. Did I mention eh? Fun eh, though.

So anyway... 20 pounds less by the end of the year in spite of the holidays? FAT chance, right? But FAT might do it. FAT! I am seriously repulsed by live human FAT and putting live human FAT in my face turns my stomach so maybe I just need to keep putting my own live human FAT in my face like this. FAT! . . FAT! . . FAT! . . Hey look, a squirrel... Are you my mother?

I'm hungry.

Narf :)

A Lounging House

Well, I really like where I live, the location, the roommate, the space, everything fits really well and it was definitely the right choice. The once thing I must do is increase my activity here. Movement doesn't happen much. TA is a full couch potato (in fact, a bed-potato most of the time). His activity is going to work and shopping with the kids, occasionally sitting in a park of going to dinner. The influence feed sinto my inner couch potato (who needs little encouragement lol) and so, today was another lounging day around here. I didn't get dressed or go out, not even to the store, which is good, because I would have bought something high in calories. As I say, it is very comfortable here.

Elliptical.

lol lam...

Narf :)

Sunday Recliner, Food, and TV

I watched Mary Poppins tonight. Cried as I weakly sang Feed The Birds. The TV suggests Te Sound of Music ext, but I'm not watching anything more. Mary Poppins is one of the top favorites for me, the words, the music, in spite of the stupid human proper British form of love, I look past it and see so much more. Feed The Birds goes so far beyond the steps of the Cathedral or the movie or the song. It is a reminder of my connection to the universe, to this planet, to life.

Anyway, before the movie there was football. The cold rain in New England destroyed my chances for a win in the Fantasy league, but then I'm having one of my worst years there in spite of having Brady, Rodgers, Elliot, Gurley, Edelman, and more. I texted football a few times with Jackson, but mostly sports are solitary as I don't have a partner or single close friend into sports outside of Jackson and she's got Brandy, yay for love, boo for lonelies lol.

Before that, I forget. Woe up around noon both today and yesterday. Last night I stayed up and wandered the web and wrote a bit. Tonight I need to get some sleep.

So how was your day?

Narf :)

Late Night For Me

Not that it is late for me, but the night is for me, and it is late. I spent a couple of hours on Facebook sending friend requests to people who had more than 20 mutual friends, according to FB. I also looked up some old friends as I was inspired by the DDD babbling entry (which was not quite old times, but was nostalgic as it pointed out how few entries I've been writing and how the babbling has diminished over the last few years. The online world holds little interest for me, less and less as the years pass. The ice cream was good, though not as delicious as I remember it at the local upscale place. Maybe I've been eating too much sugar and fat and carbs and the taste buds are overwhelmed. A fast does seem to be the wise move. Maybe this week for a few days, definitely for December.

So what are you doing tonight?

Fun, I hope.

Narf :)

Saturday Slowdown

Nothing profound, exciting, or even interesting today. Just the mundane, the relaxing, the recap, and a little indigestion. Trying to slow down, at least. Eating way too much as I rush through days grabbing food as i can as I work on projects and not getting home until after dinner time at the earliest doesn't help because then I am ready to eat anything and the influences here play right into my weaknesses (Italian restaurant delivery last night, and a party sized store lasagna tonight). Tomato sauce and melted cheeses are right up there with chocolates the favorite flavors of all time. Unfortunately, I've been overdoing the quantities lately. December fasts are challenging, but I just may set myself on that track for as long as I can. I could dive into the past and use memories (so faded, they might not work) as I used to through the 16th, at least. That would be a great goal. We shall see.

Anyway, the kids are sick again, so the body is fighting the germs floating around the space. The little one wanting to touch all the food, including mine when it was delivered last night, and everything else in the kitchen, does not help. I guess I forgot that kids get sick a lot, not living with kids for the last two decades, but they sure do, at least several times a year.

Meanwhile, I am trying to write and give myself some me time, but it's a lazy distracting unmotivated day. Still no elliptical, which doesn't help. I am considering buying another laptop this week what with black Friday approaching. This one serves it's purpose, but limits my internet wanderings, music, and videos, and the influences and inspirations that can bring to the babbles. The babbles, alas, lamentations and condolences, in case it matters. Anybody out there?

I welcome some sharing... caring... hello?... in case...

Yeah, so anyway, happy Saturday. :)

Narf :)

Don't Let The Laughter Fool You

There used o be more seriousness between the laughs. More people used to care, and even ask for more seriousness. How are you was more than a meaningless greeting. These days, I seldom even hear the meaningless greeting. An occasional "good weekend?" or inquiry about a holiday tagged on to a "good morning" at work, but no real response is expected (or appropriate due to the setting). It has been a very long time since someone actually cared to know what was really going on deep inside of me. Or even on the surface.

This time of year brings me back to this thought. Birthdays on the 15th and 21st, upcoming personal holiday on the 1st, and another birthday on the 16th next month would bring about the memories of a time before life went on, obla de, and more, a time when "how are you?" meant something. This date mattered once. The end of a dream. I used to bring me a lot deeper, but I've learned to skim over myself, I've learned to be human.

I feel more than anyone I've ever met. More awareness, more sensitivity, more fragility, more vulnerability. That has always been my biggest weakness in the human world, and my greatest strength inside. Would you die if your death would mean John Lennon's Imagine was actualized by everyone everywhere?

Honesty.

Narf :)

Friday Fun and Italian Food

So tonight TA suggests Italian and for a change, waited for me to get home even though I was late, as usual, after 6:00 pm, so to be social and all (great excuse right?), I'm going off the weight loss program I didn't start with pizza and eggplant and a giant stuffed rice ball. Hope I don't die.

Work was a lot of learning the new software, Raptor, it's called. Going to teach others, gotta know it well. Meanwhile, the techies didn't set it up right and I found out too late (they left for the day) so first thing Monday morning they need to get up to my office and work on it. They give me more administrative rights than most people, but not full rights (it is a government computer system, after all), so I call them a lot because I do a lot of work with specialized software that needs special overrides on the standard security profiles.

After dinner now, I ate way too much. The rice ball was filling and not so good. Ate less than half. The eggplant was good, but the pizza was overcooked and cold (s was everything else), so reheating dried everything out. So way too many calories for less oral gratification reward than expected. For $36, definitely not worth it. The Ghirardelli chocolate made up for it.

Really bad movie on. Diminuendo. Not enough eye candy to save it from the bad acting, worse script, and unoriginality. What? Well, it ought to be a word. In fact, it would be the largest category or genre of anything. Generously. So the food disappoints, the movie disappoints, the world disappoints, but then, what did I expect? Oh, that's the cause of it all, expectations.

So now I'll just watch Tales From The Darkside, The Movie.

Are we having fun yet?*

Narf lol :)

Chest Pains x 3

So three times today, after eating a cracker and some spread, I sat down at my desk and felt a slight pain in my chest and the heart pounded hard and with each beat, pain, and I remembered that I used to feel this as a child and then as a teen and then as young adult and only now and then throughout this life after that. Maybe it is the extra weight, so stop the stupid, right? I had a sandwich and Doritos for dinner. I'm hungry. Work was busy today. I ate some breakfast foods they all brought in. Spent $55 last night and bought most of it into work for the monthly breakfast. Lots of food was left over and most took some home. I didn't, but I moved some into our fridge. I could probably fall asleep now. The kids are here. Recliner sleep might get interrupted, then I'll be awake half the night, and eat more. Maybe I'm just in a weird place I created for myself, like wandering into the tall grass (Stephen King isn't laughing, so why should I?). Another twelve hour day. Organizing the office real good has discombobulated the mind, apparently. Perhaps you notice the lack of organization here. Thoughts scatter, like the wind in the tall grass. The office, though, has never looked better. I wonder if anyone will notice. i wonder if it matters. It's as crowded as ever, but so much more organized. And lots of work got done. Here, there's food. Lots of food. I wonder how much longer I'll be alive. And if I fall, will anybody hear me? Some people take everything so seriously. Maybe most. Nobody takes me seriously, almost. Maybe for a moment then the moment's gone. Like dust in the tall grass.

Is there anybody going to listen to my story... before I forget to remember it.

Also a bit of throbbing just behind the right eye.

Narf :)

Morning Stupid

203. 203 pounds. Dehydrated morning weight, 203 pounds. Moron. Yes, beat the dead horse. Aches, pains, emo-stupid. Elliptical? Gym? If I didn't work so much, maybe. Should have just fallen asleep after the first two sandwiches last night. And every night for a month. Holiday season. Stupid. Will this work? Cold. 54 degrees outside. Was 45 yesterday and I didn't feel cold at all. Feel freezing this morning. Woke 6:00 am on my own. Bladder said get up. Wisdom said don't lay back down. So here we are. Cranky. Spanky. Yanky. Janky. Bloated. Whatever happened to push ups and sit ups and... stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

6:22 am. It is stupid to be laughing. lol, sigh...

Narf (eye roll) :)

Hope For Tomorrow

I didn't eat less. I nodded off a few times, and, instead of heading to bed, I ate three cans of pasta. Yes, three. More than 1200 calories. That puts the day up around 2500, or more, again. Without some serious exercise, I don't need more than 1800. Or less. Hopefully tomorrow I will find enough will power to stop this madness and start the fast I need... again. I wonder how many times the heart can take that. Especially without more serious cardio exercise. Softball and kickball is not serious exercise, in case you wondered. Emotional hunger kills, in case it matters. Stop me while I still have a head, m'ok?

Where's the music?

Narf.

Wednesday Working, Stinking, and Sinking

Work, driving, shopping, and the congressional hearings. The morning was early, starting 6:00 am, conducting the federally mandated DOT drug testing, along with a variety of time-sensitive emails related to authorizing drivers. That was followed by desk work, and there is still plenty more desk work, but the car battery was sounding weak last night and this morning, so I went out to drive around all afternoon from one end of the county to the other, up, down, and side to side. As 5:00 pm approached, I stopped for the shopping for breakfast stuff for tomorrow morning and dropped the food and car off a work. Twelve hour day, again.

Arriving home, I'm almost knocked over by the cat's litter box which had the entire front of the house (my side) smelling like a full litter box. I pointed it out to TA and he said his nose was clogged, but then went out shopping for cat litter and his dinner and changed the litter. There's still a strong odor, but I am hoping it's just lingering and not a dirty box. He obviously does not want the litter box in his bedroom or his side of the house, but I accepted it right outside of my bathroom when I moved in on the condition that he cleans it often. I don't have to ask him about it often, but tonight it was profoundly stinking enough to mention it here.

The evening is starting with the congressional hearings. Ridiculous, I know, but I listened a bit. I come away with the reaffirmation that I don't trust someone who's primary argument is pointing fingers at their opponent. Even less trust for someone mocking, belittling, or aiming any negativity against their opponent as a distraction from the quest for facts. Humans narrow their minds to fit their preconceived beliefs, but painting a target around where the arrow lands is not as funny when people's lives and what few freedoms we have left are on the line. Sad, but then, an empire falling is often sad, especially for those ho see it from within.

Hug, and if you understand, another longer hug. Stay safe and hope for the best.

Hey, I ate a little less. So far.

Narf.

Tuesday Kickball and Too Many Cals

Yes, kickball. The County wanted a kickball team, so I am playing. Exercise for me, however minimal, and support for the County morale and health and wellness program. And boy do some of them need it. Hands in pockets, walking... on the field as the ball is kicked toward them. Sad that so many people let their body become a large nearly immobile blob of fat, but that is humanity in so many ways. Meanwhile, I have been consuming way too many calories in the past week and that must stop if I am to keep 190 as my max weight point. The good news is, for a while I was feeling 220+ as a max, but now I feel seriously bloated at 190 and that bloat point continues to drop. It is all about conditioning and body awareness and it is way too easy to be delusional and insensitive to one's own body's pain and discomfort.

Meanwhile, I'm seven for seven in my last seven at bats in softball and six for six in my last six kicks in kickball, so something's working right these last two weeks. The teams, well, not so much. 3-3 in those same two weeks, with each team winning last week and losing this week. Not the best year for my team, but then, Sunday and Tuesday it's my choice to step down from competitive teams to play with newbies and large people who can't run or bend over. On Tuesdays, they as me if I am ok after I run around the bases, as if they expect me to be too old to run around, even after I keep getting on base and keep scoring. Most do not know the game and don't keep track of what's going on throughout the game or week to week. They are a fun bunch and kudos for coming out for a little exercise.

So focus on lowering the calories, especially since we still don't have the elliptical, m'ok? lol

Narf :)

Monday Softball and a Ton of Food

Oh sure, there's work, and plenty of it. Catching up on paperwork, mostly, a whole day of catching up on paperwork, with some serious office maintenance, sorting papers, filing of a sort, organizing project documentation, piling up the shredding. Not quite half done, but a major difference already. Tomorrow, I continue the database catching up and sorting and filing and so on. And the major security project that I've been riding herd on. Meanwhile, the evening was all about softball. Played on, watched two others. Everybody lost, but we had fun. The chill in the air brought me home to hot soup and hot leftover Chinese. Yum. Bloat. Burp.

Brief. Now, some TV as I nod off. Hope your Monday was fun too.

Nsrf :)

Sunday Softball Season End Banquet

The call it a banquet. I should have taken a picture. Five trays. Two fried rice, one noodles, one wings, one spring rolls. At least two hundred people. They didn't refill the wings or spring rolls so the banquet, after about the thirtieth person, was fried rice and noodles. Nothing to drink unless you went to the bar and then it was mostly ice. Did I mention the food was more than an hour late and served cool?

Meanwhile, we won a game today. It took me striking out a few players at key moments to end innings, including in the bottom of the last inning with the tying run on third. I went six for six for the day in two games, but we lost the second 22-1. That's more like what the season was like. That's what happens when an E team is put in the D Division. E Division is for where brand new players start learning the game. That's why I moved to help this team, teach new players. Unfortunately there's no support from the league and we don't have a strong organized coach and a few veteran players resist learning to play better so they get an attitude when I ask them to do the things we are trying to teach the new players. So we finish the season 2-12.

I asked about the Ratings Committee today, since I didn't hear a word and we should be setting up meetings before next season. I found out the Ratings Committee was working this season without me. Nice to let me know. It was a shitty way to find out I was not longer needed. No thank you for all the years of service, all the many hours I gave the league. Not a word, just cut me out of the message chain and invitation list. Meanwhile, I am shocked the ratings committee was active because the ratings are a sad mess. There are many players rated improperly and weaker players are getting hurt.

I stopped for a street sausage as I walked to my car, and wouldn't you know, it was not hot and the red onions were actually cold. Food didn't work ut well today. So I heated up a meatloaf sandwich and leftover lasagna and had leftover chocolate mousse. Chocolate milk. Much better. Now if I only had tomorrow off, I could digest all this starch and fat and move it along before more pounds pile on. Lots of food in the fridge for this week. Then Thanksgiving and a three day weekend out of town. I'll stop eating again in December lol. Merry Happy.

Narf :)

Housework, Marvel, and Mickey Mouse

The day started with laundry and writing (hey, not everything gets in the title, ya know?) That still continues as load after load is taking forever in the worst dryer in the universe (gotta give it a spectacular name to laugh and put up with it, aye?). A few more boxes were unpacked, winter clothes, CDs (though I have no shelving for them, so they remain in an open box for now), some car and kitchen stuff, and again there's no room in the kitchen so it's re-box, but the good news is a whole bag of trash reduced the five or six boxes to two and here's a big box of papers to sort through and mostly trash. The CDs were memory road, mostly smiles as I found a bunch made for me by friends on and offline along the way. Naturally, the CDs stolen by a friend in Toronto hurt again, but that's why the music died, after all.

We'll just leave that there.

Meanwhile, the Marvel Universe, like most super-hero comics torn out of the cartoons, never really interested me much. War movies turn me off and I saw a couple or few with friends over the years, mostly because they wanted to go and we used to go to movies as a group. I don't do movies much. I don't think they are worth the price (and snack prices are just beyond ridiculous), especially when I can have more comfort, snacks, and take a break if I want at home. Anyway, I watched Captain Marvel because I really like Brie Larsen's quirky films and on screen personalities and I enjoyed it. I really enjoy just looking at her too. She is even higher on my list of people I would love to meet now. I'm not sure I want to sit through the whole Marvel movies series, and I'm not sure I want to watch the next on, Endgame, without watching the prior ones, but I do like looking at her, so I will watch Endgame one of these days.

Finally, for now, I found the Mickey Mouse Club. That was a blast from the past, though they only have five episodes from season one and I wish they had later years so I could see if I remembered shows I actually watched in real time. On the other hand, I am surprised at the pandering and hokey show, and after two episodes felt like it was wasting my time. That might have been the start of the dumbing down of America, or maybe it has always been going on.

Luckily I wasn't just sitting and vegging while the TV was on. Lots got done. Even did TA's towels and socks and stuff that been sitting on the laundry room floor, maybe since I moved it. And in spite of the world out there, I am enjoying today a whole lot. Did I mention TA suggested Chinese for dinner and I pigged out like crazy? And chocolate chip cookies and chocolate mousse and chocolate milk too. Sweeping and dishes and more, oh my. Now, on to more laundry and unpacking and sorting and de-cluttering.

Hope your Saturday was fun too.

Narf :)

Surprise, Again

Two days ago TA said he was glad the kids were not here this week because both have colds. he little one is here now, looking sick, the poor baby. My immune system kicked up during the week when they were both here for a night, so hopefully I won't get sick too. It's a continuous battle, being alive and not letting germs or viruses take hold in the body. Kids share more close proximity than most adults, so often kids get more colds. She seems to get a hard coughing cold a few times a year. They usually bounce back better than most older adults as age weakens everything in the body, but I wouldn't want to be in a life without kids around at least sometimes.

I woke up rested and bubbly, which is why I a writing and not brooding, and this bit of babble has be bubbling again. I intend to withdraw into my world and write more and finish laundry. Nothing else planned. Tomorrow, softball and then the end of season party. At work, haven't gotten out to the parks and inspections in several weeks, at least, because of major projects that are being delayed due to poor planning, poor management, and poor oversight. If I was in charge, we'd be replacing at least one high level manager and we'd be looking for other contractors. So my boss has me doing more project management work to get the project back on track. Not my job, not his job, but those hired to do it are not doing it, so we are doing it.

So welcome to Saturday. Surprise and Happy Belated Birthday to Barb and Ray.

Celebrate life every day!

Narf :)

Low Will Power

Sometimes there is so much will power radiating from deep within that I sense I have total awareness and control of the entire universe and that which exists beyond. It's been a while since that level of energy flowed through me, but I have flashes (or flashbacks) now and then. More recently, I flip flop like a flickering florescent light, or perhaps more like a strobe light set on super slow. A few days of fasting, followed by a few days of eating anything I please. Tonight marks another phase of low will power, for what it's worth.

Just in case I don't wake up and get more clever later, Happy Birthday Barb & Ray.

Meanwhile, today was another madcap day of non-stop work, no lunch, no snacks, no breaks, just one project flowing into the next, rushing, even. A bit of a nap after dinner, then watching football, that was the evening. Naturally, I am still awake again, whatever late night time it may be. There minimal creativity tonight, so read another entry that will likely be more creative or amusing or interesting, depending on your perspective.

I would say good night, but I don't sleep. I only close my eyes.

Then again, good night anyway, if it is night where you are.

I had fun write a few comments la night, pen pal site.

Tonight I am bleary-brained, so fun is internal.

See what I mean?

Narf :)

Sleep? (or Pieces of My Core)

So here we are, and the night rolls by. Chips, chocolate protein drink (with extra Nesquik), and music. the first ten or dozen and then some. Make shift mix, nothing like what I used to do with smooth audio blends and serious messages threaded from song to song, but the first ten still reach deep into me to express pieces of my core. In fact, that's the name I'll give it. If I ever put quality versions on a well mixed CD. It is out there though, just me, out here on the internet for anyone to find. Just a dreamer treading water in a world that flushes dreams down the drain. A heart so full of love, there no room for walls or defenses. A mind too open to be accepted in this world. So here I am, hiding out on the internet, laughing, hoping, dreaming a base will find me and... you just need to know the song, but we'll make beautiful music together if it ever happens... comes to pass... magically actualizes. Wouldja, couldja, be my baby (hear the song, all I ever needed, and it is repeated, if you listen to the playlist liked above... when stars collide).

Some night are make for dreaming, but if you just dream when you're asleep, there's no way for dreams to come alive... so here we are, sacrificing the body and mind a bit, so dreams can stay alive and ave a chance to survive, to come to pass, to magically actualize.

Are you listening?. What do you hear?

Narf :)

Ridiculous Hunger and Return of the Burn

It would appear as though my emotional hungers are powerful stuff and can easily dominate this life when I am not distracted by something more healthy or focused on staying aware of optimizing this body or in love (or something like that). Also, the weakness of the rectal tissues appear to be a permanent aspect of life. You can read more about that in the body blog, for here and now, I'm just hungry again.

So instead of stumbling into bed after waking fro a sweet deep slumber in the recliner to drop some of the processed food in the child-sized toilet, I get on the computer and find the frustration of Windows and Kaspersky and Google ganging up on me as all my passwords were invalid (is that what finally getting the upgrade to Windows 10 1903 did?... I mean beside the wasted weekend?) and resetting them was (and will be, since I only reset two) a time-consuming pain in the ass (a technical term for Windows), but speaking of such pains... nevermind, see above to understand below. As if that wasn't enough, I just made myself (and consumed) a midnight snack consisting of a smoked salmon cream cheese, smoked trout spread, baby swiss cheese, tomato, and mayo sandwich on an onion bun. Yum.

I'll pay for it tomorrow, or later, but yum anyway. Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight, as I have a four hour defensive driving course to teach in the morning, but then, anybody wanna come out to play?

You choose the game.

Narf :)

Extra Day Off

Just for the record, given the previous title, the door seldom slams. It's almost always when when the kids are here and I guess they forget I sleep a few feet from the front door. This morning, my alarm woke me. After I his snooze for the third or fourth time, I remembered it may be a holiday and I checked the internet and sure enough, my offices are closed today. I went to the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep for another three hours. Such sweet sleep, the extra three hours. Maybe I should get a holiday calendar, or at least check my phone calendar, before I turn on my alarm, aye? I fell asleep in the recliner though, so when I crawled into bed about 3 AM, I wasn't checking anything but the pillows lol.

The wonderful feeling of sleeping in, the extra three hours of sleep, the feeling of extra time to do anything I please today (except shop for that dang elliptical, cuz stores are closed, I think lol). Instead of writing, though, which I was excited about a little while ago, I turned on the TV and indulged some mindless observation of humans acting out the human delusions that dominate most human lives. I mused over the deeper layer of irony (or planning) to cast a very multicultural cast with black leads and while that adds curiosity, especially since there has not been much, if any, racial references that usually accompany shows with black leads, it's either impressive or irrelevant, depending on your perspective. I wonder if they did that on purpose. Maybe it's the local NPR station that influences my perspective on race these days, but it sue is good to see a story where black people are not playing victim and acting like people, not constantly emphasizing their blackness, which is a form of racism too. Well beyond that layer, maybe the most attractive connection for the show is the lead female's body (what, superficial libido fantasies are not politically correct either? lol) cuz eye candy is often enough for me choose to watch a show more than once, at least for a little while, given the lack of originality, imagination, or interesting writing on TV, not to mention the boring conformity), but the Brooklyn pizza has to be tugging on my subconscious. Seriously. Yes, the foodie is that dominant, pizza is that important, and the personal memory of the best foodie experiences I've ever known may well be the biggest draw. I truly do not believe I want to move back there, but I definitely had a much much bigger and more rewarding social life, bigger financial success (and potential), more autonomy and responsibility in my profession, and the sense that there was a lot more intelligence around me, especially professionally (but also socially... or maybe it was the commonalities in the school system so many of the people living there shared and not any better actual education, maybe, but the awareness and social conscience and atmosphere of NYC is not like any anywhere in the world and I've always missed it), and I had all that without really trying up there (until I hermitized lol) and I did leave amazing love and devotion behind when I left (not devoted enough to come with, alas, but that ust be for the best as I would not have been happy conforming), and deeper stuff too.

See what I mean? A little extra sleep. I'll stop there for now, at least here in this brief blog, just to be irreverent, casual, cavalier, snarky, flippant, or shifts and giggles, or something like that.

Narf :)

And Then the Door Slammed

Once again they woke me early on a Saturday morning. Going out for their fast food breakfast, forgetting my bed is just a few feet from the front door. It might hep if he door jam was repaired, but the door jam is still broken allowing hot air, humidity, and bugs into the house and naturally, with my bedroom door a foot from the front door, into my sleeping area. And he wonders why I resist giving him more toward the rent. Anyway, awake, I wrote some more bits in the previous blog (which is designed to never end, like most everything I write, cuz the end is only the end if you believe in endings... did you ever noticed that we are defined as much, if not more by what we don't believe in than what we do believe in?... believe me, it's a cofugation (or confutation, depending on perspective), at least, sometimes a conundrum, even), and finally uploaded Zis, which should be an celebration celebrated by celebrities and us plain folk alike more often than annually, so feel free to join in today and sing along... Happy Birthday to Z, Happy Birthday to Z, Happy Birthday Dear Z0tl, Happy Birthday to you!

Exclaim it, even.

Motivation to rearrange (and clean a bit) the space soared this morning and the garage is redesigned to accommodate a lot more open space and stuff. I've been bouncy bouncy for at least a couple of hours, maybe longer. Do you keep track of time on weekends? All those calories from last night are burning through my system (and I do mean burning... especially the buffalo wings and the Nashville hot wings, which were the best of the three types of KFC wings I tried last night. Yes, binge eating happened, as you might be able to tell if I ever upload the previous entry lol. Some people get heartburn, but I am one of the lucky ones with a cast iron stomach and I can hardly remember ever getting heartburn in this life (must have a strong lower esophageal sphincter. I do occasionally feel assburn though. Obviously you were all (all gazillions of you dear loyal readers, fans, and other air-movers) just dying to know, and naturally I don't want you to die, so you're welcome.

This could have been a contender, but I stepped away for a while and future entries may explain why, but much was done. You should have been here, cuz then you'd already know and even more would have gotten done, and fun.

Enjoy life, in spite of the madness.

Narf :)

I Was Thinking of Z

Yes, I was thinking of you as I wrote this on the date above these words, though this was not uploaded until days later, weekends allow for time to sit and reflect, contemplate, expound, even. Gestating memories and dreams, you emerge victorious, notorious, thesaurious, as the world gets more curious (and, alas, furious) with every passing year (but humans and their foibles cannot stop the dream if we don't want them to - so don't want them to and don't let them!) number 9, number 9, you say you used to want a revolution? Ah, aging hippies don't give up the dream, they just fall asleep while dreaming. Think about that. And remember what harry said, if you just dream when you're asleep, you know, there's no way. So wake up to the genius you are (not were), right here, right now (as if this might help you do that), wherever you are, whatever you are doing (is the couch that comfortable?... really?) and celebrate (accelerate, too) moving right past all the comma (and comas) to the head of the class. Shake your ass out of the funk, for just a split moment, second, even. See the past perfect and bring it into the present as a present, gift, enlightened mint. Taste the adventure. Refresh your bios.

Smile.

You are loved.

Always.

Narf, and Happy Birthday Z.

Another Lost Night

I was going to take a shower, but I sat here watching TV and playing a couple of new games and who's an addict, what? Bloated couch potato, here. An it's not a Halloween costume either. Sleepyish, blearly blurry eyes, and fingers missing keystrokes left and write, but I just wanted to record the daily life, you know?

Softball was, well, frustrating. We gave the other team seven runs and we scored six. Literally, all seven runs were gifts on errors and people not doing to basics. Catching a ball with their foot on the based, even soft throws from five feet away. People watching the game from their positions on the field instead of playing it. We could have had at least three more runs, but base coaches and runners just watched the game, instead of playing and coaching it. So anyway, life goes on.

Home, the eating of too many calories continued one more day. I wonder what the scale would say tonight. Thursday afternoon I have another doctor's appointment and I should not eat again this week. We shall see.

Time for sleep not, a few hours, softball tomorrow and another long da are work.

Hoe your weekend w fun too.

Narf :)

Waiting To Do Laundry

I woke before noon, I believe before 10:00 AM. I did a bunch of writing, watched some TV, hung out here at the house waiting for the washer and dryer. TA had a load in the washer when I woke. I texted him when I heard the dryer and he was was out. When he came back, he restarted the dryer because it never dries an ordinary load in the 80 minutes max it can be set to. He went out again, then finally put the stuff that was in the washer into the dryer about two hours ago. What time is it? I texted again and he woke up and had to restart the dryer again. Finally, a moment ago, I can put my wash into the dryer. With a lot of dryer sheets because it's been sitting in the washer at least a half hour. I figured his stuff would be out of the dryer before the 90 minute washer was done, but he doesn't pay attention to his clothes and often keeps the washer and dryer bottled up all weekend. Last week I didn't have clean clothes for softball and bought new underwear. This week, the kids aren't here, so I was more proactive, but still it took all day. So I vent, laugh, and remember he's a good roommate and I didn't have any plans today anyway. Not like I was going to the gym, or shopping for an elliptical, right? lol.

It's what I do, write about what I do every day. I updated all of the informational posts linked on the right. Exciting, if you care. Some days are a lot more exciting that today. Some are less. The previous entry was worth staying home for. Even if no one ever tells me they read it, hopefully it will be read and amused someone someday. Even if nobody ever reads it, it amused me. That's enough, but I sure would love more (sharing, caring, amusement, meaningful dialogue, passion for creativity, love, amazing graces - anyone up for the cause? :)

Life is a wonderful place to be, in spit of what humans are doing to this world - and each other.

Make the most of being here!

Narf :)

Maybe I'm A Maze

LOL, how I love the words as they play with my mind, in my mind, around my mind, out of my mind and the laughter, oh, yes, the sweet laughter as euphoric bliss (yes, more than bliss, yes, beyond the words, yes, the magic of yes, and yes, ohhhhhhh yoookoooo yes, and yes too, yes!) simultaneously envelopes and explodes. Could you find me somewhere tonight? Could you find me in a rock? Could you find me in a sock? Could you find me in a knock knock? Knock, knock know, what's up doc? lol Whatever, you don't have to get it, I mean, it would be nice if you did, yes it would, cuz then we could share so much fun it is to write in a one horse (two horse red horse blue horse?) open to a different color sleigh too, no doubt (oh now here we go a wandering, along a mountain track, la la la lol lol lol), but if you just read and smile, that is what it is all about (hocus pokey, doodlie doo, what it all means is what it means to you).

So I didn't stop at the shrimp and soup and chocolate, oh, suddenly there was pizza and meatloaf in the house just as I was craving a cheeburger-cheeburger and so, I made a cheeseburger pepperoni pizza. Insanity has won again, and the countdown to the next weigh in continues, six days now. Foolish games, if you know the song. The songs play tonight, the songs, from the mix tapes, from the memories, oh, oh, oh, shhhhh) and the holiday and chocolate lifted me to want to share more so I partied, alone, because that's how it was. When no one is around, should I not? Who am I asking, anyway? lol. Watch a little TV, eat a lot of yummies, listen to the music (say it loud, say it clear, you can listen, but you may not hear), occasionally (rarely) conform (not really, but if you hum and few bars, I can fake anything lol). The magic of meaning may come to amaze, but what if you get lost in the purple haze? As simple as it seems the music just plays as the words lay out dreams as he childinside says maybe I'm a maze, maybe I'm a maze, maybe I'm amazed, maybe I'm a maze.

Wish you were here, not Chicago, wish you were here, in the pink, wish you were here, no embargo, wish you were here, whatcha think? lol (oh the mix tapes, #165 - #169... yes, there were many hundreds... shhhh, we mourn alone, but still, in our own special euphoria - and #39 and #62 and #95 and #115-117, and #185, and #301-305, and... oh, in the tapes, in the music, in the memories), we really ought to connect, or reconnect, sometime before we die.

and diving in to just a shred of evidence that they were there



You can listen too, but what will you hear?

We are here, were are here, we are here...

who me?

lol
Narf :)

And So It Is... Ummm, Halloween

Yes, John, I stole your song for the night. And everybody was stirring, especially the ice. A few hundred kids paraded by our door so far and we're out of candy. $40 worth of candy doesn't go as far as it used to. This is a very kid-friendly neighborhood and all sorts of little ghosts and goblins and superheroes and princesses and ghouls of all shapes ad sizes paraded by. My favorite, naturally, was the giant M & M. So now we sit here in the quiet darkness, well, I sit here in the quiet darkness, TA is in his bedroom, as usual, in the back of the house. He won't even hear the doorbell and I'll do my best to ignore it. Not the night for early to bed, but at least I got a lot of sleep last night, at least some. I've been awake since before 4 AM though, but the chocolate (yes, I bought a bag f kit kats for me) has me mostly wired. Tired wired, the worst kind lol. Listening to music, a random list of videos I put together years ago. Onlt the first five or so are in order as they represent me on Youtube, or something like that. Unfortunately, over the years, some of the videos were taken down or went private or got blocked. Feel free to listen and let me know what you think, though I have no idea what comes after the first ten or fifteen videos lol. Yes, I still miss the mix tapes lost somewhere in Toronto. Cold.

Ordinary very busy day at the desk, unplanned pig out party at night, might be a long one. And the words and music play me home. To mask or not to mask, that be it.

In case it matters...

Narf :)

Silently Awake

Kids in the house, so I went to bed early. Works out for me, since I was three consecutive nights behind on sleep, at least. By that I mean less than 4 hours sleep, though in recent years, less than 5 hours sleep, and even more recently, less than 6 hours sleep is falling behind. The body does do best with 8ish hours sleep, and all the years of our hour of sleep (and skipped nights) are starting to be more challenging to maintain. Age, gravity, diet, exercise, a lot of different factors. Blah, blah, blah, aye? Waking up for the bathroom breaks up the sleep into four hours segments, sometimes less, but 4 hours remains my sleep cycle, even as two back to back is optimal rest these days. So I am awake, but silent. No TV or music or, unless I get the headphones, cuz kids in the house. I'd live differently, healthier, more organized and tidier and cleaner and active, and more in tune with my inner rhythms, if I lived with a partner or alone. Mostly because I'd be cleaning, doing laundry, and/or exercising right now with music or TV stimulating activity. Instead, I sit, quietly still, cuz kids are in the house. I do love my repetitive phrases, don't I lol. This living situation is as good as any I've had since Jackson, so no complaints, just sitting here, you know, silently awake.

So how is your morning going so far?

Narf :)

Misunderstood Humor

Speaking of misunderstood humor (see the comments too), I have almost given up on being completely understood in this life, but then, sometimes reality is more than lament, sometimes it is just real. So did you just hack me for some reason? Boredom? Curiosity? Did you want to know something? Why not just ask? Would you rather waste time alone in your room, empty life, listen to this (I am not Mr. Ed). No, you can't access my webcam, and even if you could, I am one of the paranoid who put a bandaid over the lens. Laughing all the way. Madness is not as haunting as reality. Some nights as sad, but most nights, the melancholy smiles. You could have known everything if you only asked. img, look as song number three (and I did not choose them, youtube did). You want more? Look at song number four. It's almost funny, you're killing me (smalls?... I never did related). At seventeen, I learned the truth.

Yesterday, when I was young... I wrote so many songs that were never sung.

Welcome to my nightmare, hope it doesn't scare you.

Laughing all the way...

Narf :)

And Then, The Afternoon

The games were as usual lose, lose, basics forgotten, fundamentals ignored, I don't know why they insist on continuing to play a game they really don't want to learn. In any case, except for one, there's minimal drama (there's always one, it seems), so I don't look elsewhere (even though it's tempting). After the game, he long planned holiday cookout was, well, one bag of chips and side dishes. The grill master forgot to make sure there was propane in the grill and most other party things did not arrive either. Three teams did, hungry. Someone went out to get stuff and after almost two hours, arrived with some fried chicken from Walmart. Someone brought homemade taco salad, a lot of it, and everything was consumed in about fifteen minutes. A lot of extremely obese hungry people in the crowd. Softball players, as organized off the field as they are on ll. Laughter is the best medicine, though it probably won't help the large ones live to an old age. Credit them for being out there every week, so much better than sitting on a couch. An afternoon of distraction and I still need the elliptical, so who am I to talk, aye?.

After that I went shopping and impulsively spent $220 on stuff I did not plan to buy. TA is going half on $60 worth of the household items. Then, just as impulsively, I went to the Chinese buffet. Did I mention who am I to talk already?

So much misunderstood humor, no wonder I'm alone lol lam sigh :)

Hope your picnic was fun too :)

Narf :)

Sunday Morning Sunshine

A lot of rain has fallen in the past few days and all the fields I can reach are rained out or incommunicado, but the fields we've moved to, farther away, are unreachable. There's no answer at the park office and no rain-out line listed on any of the web pages associated with the fields or the parks department. Poor communication, City of Orlando. I texted the coach and he has not responded. The sun is shining and it's a beautiful morning, so I'm going to get washed and dressed and drive out to the fields, but it is a long drive and I will not be a happy camper if the fields are closed and no one communicated it to me.

Enjoy your Sunday.

NArf :)

Saturday, In the House

Not the Chicago song, but hey, we modify everything for our personal use, I mean that is what brains are, association machines, relationship engines, putting what is together to make what can be. The science of the mind was always a favorite and I took a dozen more courses than was needed for my degree in neuropsych and neuroscience , just for the curiosity and fun of understanding how the brain and body work. I live in one, after all. Learning about my home and how it works and how to fix it if something breaks seems like a no-brainer to me lol.

Anyway, I came here to announce nothing. Essential information for you, I'm sure. We are all so sure of so many things we know nothing about, aren't we? I mwan, how many times do we say "I'm sure" or some other convolution of assuming we know what someone else thinks, decides, or feels. I'm sure your tired after your long trip. I'm sure you don't want to be bored with the details. I'm sure you are not reading this blog because you sit there silently not responding. I'm sure you're not a vegetable, just because you are not responding. I'm sure you see the subtle nudging for a comment in these examples of how we use "I'm sure." Like a brick to the forward, no doubt. No doubt, now there's another...

Ok, I'll stop. I just wanted to shake off the frustration of the wake up entry lol. So what's going on? It's after noon already and I've still got the sleepy mucous in the corners of my eyes. I'm sure you wanted that visual (and I'm sure you don't want examples of the ways "I'm sure" is used in sarcasm, aye?). Fruit. I'd like some fruit. I don't have the habit of fruit these days. The neighborhood across-the-street store does not stock good fruit. Having it so close is a convenience detrimental to my overall health. Too bad they don't sell elliptical machines lol.

I could go out shopping for an elliptical, but... probably won't.

Whatever you do, I hope you make your day fun.

Would you like to swing on a star?

Narf :)

Awake, Aye?

Perhaps not always No comments:

Ok, So This Is New

The nine year old rules the roost when she's here, but now she's sleeping in the day room, which is an open plan kitchen/dayroom, which means I just went in there hungry and turned on the light and found her and either will wake her cooking or cook in the dark (meaning open a can and microwave junk) or go hungry. I wasn't expecting to go to bed at 9:30 on a Friday night, but the house is dark and silent. Frustration is telling me to go out and get food, but all that's open is fattening or junk or expensive salads and I don't want salad, I want protein. Deep breath, deal with the new challenge. What to eat?

So the fool I am went out and spent money and ate decadence. Palmetto cheese spread, egg salad, tomato sandwich, and ten big butterfly shrimp and two shrimp rolls, and mayo and duck sauce, and sweet potato chips, and then... dessert. Decadent chocolate chip cookies, chocolate mousse, crunchy cheetos, chocolate milk. I could have fallen asleep and lose a pound, but instead I'll gain a few. The frustration is smothered by the yummies. Living alone, with the distractions I choose and the freedom to choose them when I want them, will power is so much stronger. I know I restrict myself here out of consideration, but that's me. Giving is the gift I give myself. And food. Decadent food.

Do how is your weekend starting off?

Narf :)