Wake Up Call Or Indigestion?

Was that a heart attack? I woke with chest pains, central, like heartburn, but more severe than I ever had before. After a few minutes, both lower arms felt tingly and numbish. They still do, kind of like after a serious work out. I went to sleep with nasal congestion, so I'm not sure if that connects. I am still a bit queasy and am looking for excuses not to go to the hospital. Money is a good one, but more, time, I have stuff to do tomorrow. Am I being a wimp?

It's not completely passed...

So Instead, I Ate

Feeling bloated all day, feeling bloated and sleepy when I got home, went play softball and felt energized after another win, so instead of just going to sleep, I ate. Fool.

Maybe I'm Not

Mad? As in less than completely sane? Or perhaps less than happy with the world and how people treat each other and the world (or corporate America, umm), for that matter? Hmmmm, could be both, I suppose. More the latter than former, in spite of the dietary choices for today. That was home, by the way, not at a buffet or restaurant. I passed out shortly after eating this afternoon, the food, that is, I didn't eat the afternoon, after a long day in the sun at the softball fields. Fun times, we won our third game to go 3-0 on the season in the league games then lost an out-of-league game to an upper division team. We play some upper division teams to help make us better. We hope nobody gets hurt. I got to give Jackson and Brandi their knife set today, finally. We had just a few seconds to hug and say hi, kind of ridiculously little time for friends to see each other (I think that was the first time we've seen each other all year, which is weird because this is the first time I am realizing it, which is sad cuz I've gotten so used to us texting every day, but acting like we live thousands of miles apart... kinda redefines the word friends, but we'll just enjoy the day and not go there any further now). A good day is a good day, a good nap is a good nap, and life goes on funner than ever.

Alone again, naturally (but still loving every minute of it) :)

Narf :)

Strange Mix

Being me, from my perspective, can be quite the alienating experience. It's everyone else who's different, not me, right? lol lam, sigh. Anyway, substituting food is my self-destructive reaction to the self-destruction actions I see and feel all around me. Temporarily. Cuz it's not usually as out of control as it is in recent times, like this past year or so, more or less. Flashback to comments from more than a decade ago and I wonder, am I still there? But then, the madness pours out in all sorts of ways, and not ways, for that matters. Speaking of flashbacks, today was almost one. Whatever it means.

Long day into whatever, I slept until 2:30, at least, though waking every few hours to empty the bladder. A lazy afternoon, one wash done, then a shower and headed out for a birthday dinner. Stopped for fifteen minutes due to a traffic accident ahead, I called to confirm the location when it would not come up on the map app. I was told the place closed and the dinner was relocated about 40 minutes away. They posted the change on Facebook a little while ago. So I said happy birthday and headed elsewhere, since I wasn't going to show up 40 minutes late for dinner and either not eat or eat by myself, only to drive another 50 minutes back home.

I headed to best buy to finally exchange the tv antenna I bought for the superbowl and picked up a Roku instead. Nice manager let me exchange the antenna in spite of it being 30 days past the exchange period. Picked up Itlalian on the way home and manged good. Then, hooked up the Roku and I have all the apps working again, and then some. The Roku is instantly more user friendly than the Fire Stick ever was. More versatile wit a whole lot more apps too.

hen, the babbling continued as the first paragraph may have suggested (oh, is that what that was? lol). Yes, I was writing most of the day since waking mid-afternoon and while I would only give the babbler a D for creativity and a C- cleverness, generously, at that, it was good to babble and maybe I'll spruce it up tomorrow or some day when the muses are awake. For now, sleep is needed as softball just just six hours away (cuz it's well after midnight by now).

I miss the muses. You too.

Narf :)

Unnecessary Frustration

Usually is, after all, but nonetheless, it is and reactions are not always positive. So instead of taking the shower immediately upon getting home from the haircut, cuz fine hars are all over and itchy and now on the recliner and wherever, I decided to cook. Or at least heat up some food. Was it because the little one was eating in the kitchen, a place I seldom go (the table is always cluttered with her stuff when she is here as she spreads out throughout the house) or was it other frustrations (cuz I wasn't all that hungry). Anyway, that done, I paused in my trip to the shower because she started taking a shower right after I ate. Then I sat here watching a bit of TV and playing a phone game and suddenly, it's past bedtime. Just as I am going to bed, the smoke alarm starts beeping loud again. TA has the pick-up but procrastinates about getting a ladder, so there is no light in the laundry room or the hallway leading to my bathroom or right outside the front door and the smoke detector reminded me of how frustrating that can be. So after fighting with a long broomstick to push the button on the smoke alarm, I was awake and frustrated and went hunting for some crunchy food and found burritos in the freezer in the garage (after walking into the dryer door and a pile of their dirty clothes cuz the garage is through the laundry room). So burritos are in the oven and I just tried to burn off some energy on the elliptical for five minutes and the body stamina and muscle strength and mindset are all so weak that I have not been past five minutes since the new elliptical arrived (is fear of pushing it a factor?... grrrr) and even though that makes twice on the elliptical today (started the morning off with five minutes), there is a growling between my ears, drowned out by the tinnitus, I'm sure, and the bloated grumbling in the gut and the computer is slower than ever in spite of a cleaning and defrag (and I may be getting a computer from work for $100 that has 8gm RAm and an I5 processor and a 512 GB hard drive in a few weeks if the techie who cancelled my request (he reinstated it a couple of hours later) didn't screw me out of my top order in the line for those computers) and I am laughing at myself which is pissing me off.

So how was your night?

Narf lol lam sigh :)

More Calories, Less Hair, and Work

Yeah, so it appears I eat more when the kids are here. Influences? Stressors? Lack of privacy? Something else? All of the above and more? Whatever, I had three meals fr dinner after three protein shakes during the day. Dinner as about 13-1400 calories, so still an under 1700 calorie day, but not the plan to stay under 1000, no less under 500 until the weekend. Maybe some elliptical? Anyway, got the hair chopped off after work. The head feels the draft and the thinning on top is more noticeable, in case it matters. Work was sitting and learning about benefits and retirement plans and medicaid and financial planning in the morning, then desk work most of the afternoon with a few emergencies tossed in. All went well, the security system is getting easier to troubleshoot and more and more people are counting on me to help them more and more. Feels good to be needed, though tough to keep up with the routine work when so hyper busy. That was the day that was. Some phone games after dinner, me against the computer, alas, the lonelies sing the sad solo song in the background, then, this.

So what's up with you?

Narf :)

Could Have, Should Have, Didn't

I could have been asleep so easily by just sitting down in the recliner when I got home from work, but no, this happened. Energy for rebilding muscles, with the salts and spices that encourage life, but also trigger wonderful chemical highs. Just as much, sleepiness sweeps over the mind with the power of a tsunami, so this will be a short entry.

Long day at work, again, in and out of the office, covering many different tasks from inspections to security and communicating in photographic reports.

And now, sleep...

nite nite...

Narf :)

Not Enough Computer

I've survived with this computer for several years now. Somewhere in these blogs is the date I bought it. It's never had enough memory to do what I want to do with a computer, but I've made do and continued blogging, albeit with limited resources and due to that, less creative inspiration than I'd like. Still, the subdued babbler is still a babbler and even here, there is a fair amount of mindless chatter even less pertaining to whatever this daily life blog ought to be than this particular entry might be if it's ever actually written. Did you want it to be?

Maybe chrome has something to do with it, since it is a memory hog (and it used to be Microsoft that held that title, but then, other browsers don't do much better with this limited machine). So I sit here typing this while waiting for my gmail page to finally stop loading and a lyric search page to finally, yeah, well, so eight browser tabs are open and three have been loading for at least five minutes. Longer even. Waiting is the hardest part.

And all I wanted to do was find a song that explains what I do. Took so long, this entry happened instead. Randomly, even Still, it's such a simple truth.

Narf :)

Miracles Happen

We won. We not only won, we run ruled a team. We've been rule rules every game and somehow, we held it together, even in the last inning when all the subs went into the outfield and every outfield ball was a double or triple. Somehow, I was as on as ever and they couldn't hit me at all. Maybe three balls to the outfield. Five hit right back at me for outs and a few strikeouts. Five innings, no walks, 14-3, and they were home team. So we won our first game and the team wanted a team photo and the excitement was a lot of fun. For some of them t was their first softball win ever. I hit well and ran well and scored three times, so I'm jazzed about my play too. Inner and outer gratification, good stuff, even alone.

Meanwhile, 600 or so calories today, mostly protein, and I'm gonna do my best to have no more. dropped to 205 fully clothes and heading for... hopefully... with not a whole lot of confidence lol... under 200 by the end of the week. Then, make the promise once again to never go above 200 ever again. Right. Where is the partner who will hold me to that? Surely not in my head lol. Every year, it is more dangerous to bounce the weight around like I do. Alas, wish you were here, somebody, almost anybody, or more really the one. Ok, so let's not start on that loneliness merry-go-round tonight. Resist! Resist! Resist! Meanwhile, tomorrow is day four in a row of softball and just after this entry, just before I get in the shower, in spite of how completely exhausted I was after work and before the game, I'm getting on the elliptical.

Yeah, miracles... hopefully not the last one before I die lol.

Come on, somebody laugh with me.

I'm right here waiting.

Narf :)

Exhausted

So I sat down here exhausted, and almost fell asleep, no wait, I did, I did, I doubly did, I did just fall asleep, but luckily I just woke up just in time to drink caffeine, a sip or two is all I need to wake me enough to play on through fatigue and so I did, play through, at least that's what I hope to do. It's all mind over matter. If you don't mind, nothing matters. Nut if you do...

Walked miles today, climbed, crawling, inspected, it was Fire Inspection day at the old home building and we walked and talked and did our best to educated people. Not everyone loves it, but most appreciate it. The building itself did really well because we have an excellent facilities maintenance person there. The cords and plugs and appliances and comforts were where the staff need education and that is coming. So a twelve hour day and then...

Softball. The Tuesday night team, so my expectations are very low, but I'll give them my best and cheer them on and maybe we'll pull off a miracle. Gotta wake up now, drive, play, and have fun. Did I mention I got the Employee Of The Month Award for January today?

Make your life fun too, m'ok?

Narf :)

KIT, Or Something Like That

There is a lot to be found in history that never changes even though life itself is constant change. A half dozen bits of babble and assorted writings happened since we last visited each other here and later or someday I may link, but I just wanted to let you know in case you wondered in case it matters. Complaints, moments, consumers, letters, and more and you can find it all if you have a sense of the map these written gardens yourself. Please do. :)

Long day ahead, fun day behind, keep making it fun.

Narf :)

Majorly Fatigued

Good softball, beat the best team out there, good long day at work, need more sleep, but good to feel good about life and fun even when exhaustion is high. No food tonight, please. The bloat from yesterday's pig out is still strong in this one. Even if I am slipping this in after the fact. What does that mean? You can ask, figure it out yourself, or never mind it.

Not like it matters, aye? Maybe I need more iron and vitamins. Or caffeine. No, don't want to fake energy, gonna get back on the iron tablets and remember my vitamins every day. Yeah, even if nobody cares to remind me. I've done most of this life by myself most of the time anyway, so shut up the lonely boy blues and get with the program.

Good self-talk. Feel free to jump in anytime.

Narf :)

This Will Just Lay Here

Likely unnoticed cuz it's a slip in, but heck if I remember why I didn't write on this weekend when I was home, I think. Didn't ride the elliptical, but I did play ball, two games of softball, two wins, and I was out from 8am to 4:30pm in the heat and sun and so, the body was tired. Was this the day I went bonkers and had a half gallon of ice cream and a pound of pistachios for dessert after a dinner of something else? Who knows. Who cares. I mean, besides me. Don't all hold your hands up at once lol. Why am I laughing? Great imagination, that's why. And indomitable spirit. Or insanity. Delusional self-grandiose over-confidence, no doubt.

So when you find this one, will you let me know?

There's always hope... I hope :)

Narf :)

022220202222

Whatever it means, it means what it means, and if it means something to you, then i means something to you and if you share what it means to you with me it can mean something to me to, so what do you want to do? Life is what I live and give with love so here is the recap of my day, because that is what I come here for... mostly.

The new elliptical finally arrived. I have not tested it yet, but I am going to trust the TRUE company and hope the Gymsource company did the right thing by putting together a new machine without any shortcuts, in spite of their obvious reluctance to do so. I shall do my best to put the unpleasantness behind me when I wake up, but for now, I am too tired to make any assessments. Fatigue is not a good place for seriousness.

TA talked me into Mellow Mushroom (he is worse than I am with his dietary tastes and I really must be a better influence on him for both our sakes). I ordered a ridiculous amount of food and was surely disappointed, enough so to point out how light my $30 calzone was to the manager who game me a $10 coupon for my next visit. So I ate most of the calzone, a couple of bites of the sub, and a few bites of the burger. I think I already vented about the details, so look behind if you want to know, then look ahead and let it go.

Waiting for the elliptical did not go well with the nap I wanted, but at least I am home early enough to get some decent sleep time if I get to sleep soon. No party tonight, alas, in spite of all the food here. I'll be good. There is one bathroom/toilet at the fields for hundreds of players, so the last thing I want to do is need to go at the fields and I may be there all day as the first game is at 9 and I don't play until 1:30, then again at 2:30. We're a three team group now and supporting each other would be nice, but being at the fields for 8 or 9 hours is tough when there is just one toilet, no shade, and no water.

Be positive.

We played three games tonight and I won all three. Surprising, since I am brain-foggy and was not really paying attention. There was a lot of hysterical laughter about penises and I smiled, but there was nothing much funny about it - people are so embarrassed by anything sexual, it's not funny to me. As much as I like tangential thinking, I like to play games and not wander off on distractions while the game is being played. I was patient and smiled a lot, and that's probably why I did well, though as usual, I'd have liked more competition. It may sound egocentric, but it is what it is. When I want to, I win a lot wherever I go, whatever I do.

It was good to see old friends I don't see much anymore since I moved into this comfortable home. I miss the caring, the sharing, the fun. Not enough to go out as much as I used to though. There is so little time after work and softball. Work consumes 55-60 hours a week, easy. Softball consumes 10-20 hours most weeks and some weeks, a tournament can take a whole weekend. If I want to give 60 hours to sleep, and I do, that leaves about 25-30 hours, 3-4 hours a day for travel time, eating, bathing, cleaning, laundry, shopping, bill paying writing, communicating with friends and others, and all the other things life needs (doctor visits, car care, and so on)... so other fun?... there's just so little time.

Still, it's good to have friends and share fun now and then.

Especially without family.

So how about you?

Enjoy life!

Narf :)

022220202020

I'm not here now, off playing games with friends, but I left this here to remind us and to let you all know that there used to be a birthday I would celebrate every year on this date, and I still do, though I don't know how to tell you. What happens to the love of a lifetime when the love is no longer shared. It would hurt me to believe that you ever thought that I never cared. Because I still do. I just could not give you what you wanted and you can say the same to me, when we are honest with each other... but I wish we kept in touch.

I miss the attention you gave me
I miss how you wanted to be near me
You didn't seem to understand
why I kept a pen in my hand
how much words mean
and why I write
it's now I make sense of this life

I needed someone who would read
and tell me what could be seen
in all the words

I needed someone who would need
to hear me sing, encourage me
someone who heard

It was not enough to just want to be near me
when the words and the songs didn't move you
I still miss how you wanted to be near me
I just needed someone who would be with me

You didn't seem to understand
I know you tried
I hope you know that when I left
I cried

And I still miss how much you wanted to be near me
And I wish we could still share what we could share
What I gave wasn't enough for you
What you gave wasn't enough for me
But what we shared was still so beautiful...
I still care and wish we could share
honesty


It never really ends... the love... it just goes on and on...

Hugs... and Happy Birthday...

and Narf :)

02222020

February 22, yes, I remember. love is forever, even if it isn't the precise kind of love someone wants. Unconditional love is so misunderstood in this world. It is the only love I know and the love I want most and I test every person who claims to love me and so far, no one has reached the level of unconditional I want, or give. My personal history of sharing love in this life is likely to be considered a failure, a tragedy, or a disaster by most human standards of the day, but perspectives chance and someday, perhaps, my love will be recognized for the unconditional love it is. I ask nothing for someone to receive my love. I want just a couple of things for someone to stay in an intimate relationship. Honesty and unconditional love in return. My wanting that pushes people who won't give it away. I won't pretend anything less than completely open honest and pure total unconditional love is enough. So far, no one remains close. Everyone I've ever know who claimed to love me has gone away. Every one of them is welcome back in my life, in my space, in my love.

Someday we'll all understand.

Narf :)

Sometimes On Saturdays

Sometimes the dates align with the life's schedule and a memory has time to rise from the depths because there is no work or other plans scheduled for a give day and something might happen to wake me from deep sleep (where deeper memories live) just at the right moment. Such seems to be the case today, as I look at a Saturday morning through sleepy eyes. The date is familiar, a celebration of a life, someone from long ago who left me behind for reasons that matter less each year. I tested, I wanted too much, perhaps unfairly, and unconditional love did not happen. We had different definitions for it, for love, I suppose. We wanted different things. I never wanted the traditional life. I couldn't fake it, no matter how much I tried. The life I wanted may never have been clearly defined, probably because I did not want to define it alone and no one ventured into the life with me. Wandering freely without any ties, except to each other. Reaching that, the next step might have been anything, but not reaching that, the life never began.

Now, for some random data, and other thoughts... 0222200222, interesting time/date. Also, chemicals. Sometimes sad and amusing almost meet. Everything is not a popularity contest. Or a song on repeat, after all. Or wrong. You had to be there. Intelligence can be entertaining, too. Apologies for the commercials, I hate youtube and google since that started. Size, matters, even randomly. Of course all this could easily put everyone to sleep. Call it a public service.

Happy Birthday Sandy, may you have everything you want.

Narf :)

Home Early

Cuz I can. Cooking chicken. Cuz it's there. Four thighs. Gotta do this more often. Economize and cut calories, that's the ticket. Sleepy. Could nap right now. Probably would if I didn't put chicken in the oven. Work was ok today. Caught up on emails, some other desk stuff, meeting on the big project, sorted through photos of inspections and created shared folders so the other inspectors can use the photos, poked a bear or two, and then, homeward bound. So here we are, ready for a relaxing afternoon and evening. What are you doing?

Narf :)

022020202020

I could have added another 20, and so on, in case you didn't care, I mean, what are numbers anyway? Contenders? Whatever, right? Are you even out there anymore? Meanwhile, the calories continue pouring in and the elliptical is delayed yet another day. Bigger and bigger and farther from the healthiness I was supposed to return to and maintain this year. Each year, the death comes closer, and surely it doesn't need as much help as I'm giving it. But stop calling me surely anyway. The dessert was seriously chocolated frozen yogurt. $18+ dollars worth (sold by the pound). I left half the chocolate over for tomorrow. I'm also sprinkling monosodium glutamate on my food, just for the record. Not bad, m'ok? You missed me, right? Deeper than we know. Higher too. This glutamic acid stuff is found naturally in tomatoes, grapes, cheese, mushrooms and other foods, just so you know. No wonder those are favorites. I wonder if it's in chocolate too. Anyway, what are you doing here? Why? When? How? Where? What?

We coulda been, ya know?

Narf :)

Hope, Truth, Dreams, Reality

All this confusion is just illusion. Did you get it? Really? There is so much to be found, so much to understand, so much going 'round, so much in the hand, so much it can do, so much more to say, so much to construe, some day, some way. Whatever you make of this, it is. Whatever you believe all this may be, it could be. What you share makes it so. When you care, it is so. Laughing at secret messages, there is deeper and still, deeper (still life, get it?) into the past, the dark is where the light goes to sleep. Mayhaps to dream. What is love? So much more.

Don't let it get you down, it's only...

Narf :)

More Words!

In spite of the distraction from the slow internet and slow computer and environmental beings, there is a powerful desire for more words, I say, more words tonight. Though that might be as fleeting as the impulse to eat something healthy instead of more fried food, an impulse which didn't last long enough for me not to eat the two chicken wings that were sitting out for almost twenty four hours, before cleaning the food tray from last night. Ah, food, ye shall be the life I live and the cause of death, no doubt.

So how was your day?

Mine was work work work, but then, isn't every day in this life just like that when you care more about people and moments and giving something good, rather than stealing and cheating and taking from others? Whatever, philosophy never made anyone rich. Except maybe Monty Python and some other oddballs. Fire pump inspections all morning, then an afternoon of something at my desk, but for whatever reason, I don't remember. Sometimes I might just do desk work just for the fun of it, but don't tell anybody. So much more to do, one of these days.

I told the boss I wouldn't be long when he left at 5, which is very early for him, and then, about 8, I realized I was still there talking on the phone to a manager who likes to talk, a lot. He's a rather oral fellow. I jut arrived home and put food in the oven and while waiting for it to cook, or at least get hot, here we are.

Is your life as exciting as mine?

Tell me more!

Narf lol :)

Used to Write

I used to write to you as if you cared, as if someone was out there reading, as if there was a chance that you might share, but what is shared? Does sharing happen when one is alone, when one has no responses, no communications? Maybe you are reading silently for all these years, maybe these words matter to you, maybe they are even important to you. Maybe you just don't ant to interaction, for your own reasons, maybe you just don't want to acknowledge we share here. If that's the case, it leaves me wondering, for only you know that sharing is happening. For me, there is just the possibility of sharing happening, the hope that sharing is happening, somehow, some way, some where.

I used to write with more certainty in my hope, with a stronger belief that sharing was happening, that you were out there reading. Now there is much more hope than belief. Now there is much more wondering than believing. Now, sometimes, there is even doubt that sharing is happening.

Still, I write. Perhaps not with the same tone or messages I used to write, but still, I write. Hope remains, even in a swirl of wonder tinged with doubt, hope remains.

There's always hope (I hope).

Narf :)

Let Me Make A Record

Let me make a record of this madness, before it's too late, let me make a record f this sadness, before it's too late, let me record every foolish step along the way of this journey through this mad sadness up to the dying day... let me make a record of this madness, so memories might stay, when I no longer play.

Call in Gavin Friday for the haunting melody... call in the pink floyd band to express the canopy... call in the beatles and stones and who to set us free... call in spill canvas to bring us down to wounded knees... ad say please oh dog say pretty please for just one more cool breeze with the answers promised by dylan and harry's symphonies... call them chapin's symphonies...

Another day, no elliptical, another day, nothing but softball, another day, too many calories, another day closer to the end. Another day waiting for my friend. It's the too many calories part I wanted to record before it's too late. I am probably close to the max weight again, foolishly, stupidly, suicidally.

Big softball win tonight. Pitched great. Hit poorly, but knocked in the winning run.

6-2 record for the past three days, not bad.

Wish you were here.

Narf :)

Coolish Beanos

5-2, newbies, firsts, 2 losses by one run each... So we went 1-1 today. Won our second tournament game and just fell one run short in our second to finish the tournament in fourth place. A team full of players who never played softball before. Only two of the team ever played in a tournament before. A couple of players who are not favorites for habits they have, too much talking, too little filter, too much distraction, and not being where they should be on the field during plays, but good coaches seem to recognize that. Good coaches, while many too many at times because they all play on other teams, good coaches make a big difference.

So we went 5-2 for the tournament. Five wins for a brand new team of mostly new players who are not even set in positions yet. Players who, except for the two, appear to be eager to learn, good sports, and team players. Yeah, this is a very good start to the latest phase of Sunday softball. I see more tournaments and a world series berth in our future. Most of all, I see fun, for even behind, even in the losses, they were not down, didn't give up, and had fun.

Next time, I'l get a better room, try to socialize more, and the weekend will be even better.

Wish you were here...

Narf :)

Terrible Wi-Fi

A little over $90 for a room and why should I expect anything but filth. First, the key doesn't work. I drive back to the office and the guy says he'll meet me around at the room. So I drive back to the room and the guy tries the key and opens the door with a physical key and says the lock is broken so i can come to the office and he'll let me in when I go out. Nope, what else can he do? He offers me a room on the second floor, a long walk from the car, and up outdoor stairs. Why do I try to save $50 bucks or so? So I drive back around to the front and he gives me the new key and I go to the room. Two trips from the car later, there's still way too much in the car and there are signs warning to lock your ca and management is not responsible everywhere. here are apparently a lot of people living here weekly or monthly. And possible hourly. The bathtub is dirty, the water pressure sucks, did I mention I forgot shampoo and soap and there's none in the room? I forgot a few other essentials too and it's too late to go out shopping so I'll do without.

Life is not perfect.

Narf :)

Lonely Day, Lonely Nights

Yeah, there's a song cue. It's actually worse than this, but I don't want to depress myself. .

Pushing Poorly

But still pushing. Yeah, eating too much, gaining weight, not exercising enough (the elliptical stills sits waiting for replacement), and generally not doing what is best for me. Still, I am pushing the body to work long hours and stay active with softball (four days in a row this week, multiple games Saturday and Sunday), and reaching for the positive even as the loneliness tries to smother me. People have been so disappointing in this life, but still, I hope. Still, I don't close the door completely. Still, I am here.

Pushing out the words, reaching out to anyone who finds me, hoping for more sharing, caring, peace.

Exciting, isn't it?

Narf lol :)

Maybe Ok

Am I so cynical that I don't believe there are ethical corporations out there? The jury is out. I received a message on the phone today asking me to set up an appointment for service. I don't want service, I want a new elliptical that won't break down in the first few times I get on it. Then, finally home to check email, I find the company, the manufacturer, TRUE, called the store and told the store to replace the elliptical and they would deal with the returned machine. It would have been nice if the store message said that, but it may be that the company told the store to do that after the store called to set up a service call. I will be skeptical until I see the new machine here, and have no question that it is a new machine. Also, the 1/2 inch mat will tell me the store is trustworthy too. Time to turn off the pissed and turn on the patience.

Meanwhile, softball was sad but fun, mostly. 22-4 as I had no defense and if I didn't strike out batters we were not getting outs. I believe I struck out six of the nine outs. I caught one pop-up. I went two for two and batted in three of the four runs. They batted me ninth for some reason, so I was lucky I got up twice. Only four girls showed up, so there was an automatic out right after I hit. All but a few of the people who show up just can't field or throw, and half can't hit or run. Most balls to the outfield are home runs. Most balls to the infield reach the outfield. The few that are stopped are thrown wildly to first. A couple of players cant throw to the pitchers mound consistently. So we are at the mercy of the other team and only played four innings because they stopped playing hard after the first inning. A good group of people though, so I'm supporting the work team.

Eating light today and walking a lot, work was working with the Fire Marshall's office to inspect one of the courthouse buildings. Tomorrow I'll be too busy to join the inspection as some other project work takes precedence. One of these days I'll take a little time off. This weekend is a softball tournament in Tampa, I'll be driving the early Saturday morning. Life is fun, busy, and days like these I don't even have time to feel alone. Just living in the moment enjoying what I do.

Anybody wanna share in the fun? :)

Narf :)

So Pissed

Yes, I am, so so so very pissed. $4K. $4,000. Actually, more than four thousand dollars for an elliptical machine and on the, what, sixth or seventh use, it broke. Before it was here three weeks, it broke. Before I made the first payment, it broke. I didn't even begin to use it, not even close to pushing it past level one at low speed at low resistance at normal stride length. Tonight fr the first time I pushed it over level ten (it ha 30 levels) and opened the stride to 27 inches (it's max stride length), and the brakes locked up and the screen froze and it died. It sits there mocking me, a four thousand plus dollar elliptical machine.

Softball was weak, work was weak, starting with an asshole cop blowing hot air in my office. My boss defined him with the word, in case you want to suggest I am biased or my perspective is skewed. Come to think of it, it seems there are a lot of asshole cops in my world these days. I was quoted in the local newspaper about another one just yesterday. I leaned toward the paranoia conspiracy perspective and sure enough, some bad reporter scooped up my words and closed their article with them, while misrepresenting who I am. I said bad reported, right? Am I being too negative for you tonight?

Yea, well I'm pissed. So pissed, I wrote this.

Narf.

This Could Have Been Yesterday

Or even the day before. But here we are, today, whenever that is. Your today is likely different than the today of the writing, but does that really matter? Well, I mention it, in case it does. Matter, that is. This was updated, for whatever reason, I mention it here for no apparent reason, except, most likely, for the free publicity this blog gives the entry. So while we are on the subject, this was updated too, though it may have nothing to do with the subject, whatever that may be.

Tonight, an 18.6 ounce filet mignon was paired with shredded potatoes in cheese sauce. This was followed by massive amounts of cookies. Cooked perfectly for my taste, a rare steak meat meal, oh so melt-in-my-mouth delicious. Deliciously stuffed. Food is the peak sensual pleasure these days. My choice not to look for or welcome sexuality these days, for a few reasons, in case it matters, but hopefully the elliptical will bring a another that will balance the calorie intake. Soon.

Softball this morning, shopping after that, then TV and phone games until dinner. I finally booked a room for the Tampa tournament. A Wyndham place, $87 a night. Not sure if anyone ill share the expense and room, but I'll deal with it if nobody does. Kind of like the idea of privacy too. On that note, I should head to bed.

Nite nite, and Narf :)

Soup and Sandwich

Some things fit together well, some don't. Some soups and sandwiches fit together well. Some don't. Groups and sub-groups. Sets and sub-sets. The deeper we divide, the more we might be different... or alike. Soulmates get down to the deepest division and find more similarity than difference, sometimes, going together so well, they feel like one being. I remember the dream when it was a reality I could actualize. Anybody else?

Life is about work and food most days. Some days, Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays especially, softball jumps in and that's fun, mostly. Sometimes Saturdays. Today is a work and food day, so I'm done. TV. There's TV. Nobody to talk to, just TV.

I had a love-hate relationship with a cool-looking but poorly functioning salt shaker and it's over. Glass spread all over the tile living room floor when it fell. I swept as well as I wanted, and now, home for no foot cuts. Remember to wear something more than socks for a while. Find a way the mop the floor well.

Bloodly poop tonight, my bad. I didn't follow my own best treatment regime and sure enough, bloodly poop.

So what's life like in your world and... whatever happened to the elliptical?

Narf :)

As The World Distracts

Dang if I don't surprise myself sometimes. I detest lies. That is why I detest politics. Power corrupts. Money corrupts. Few can resist, few can turn away from pot of gold. Few can buck the system. The system of lobbyist money. The system of campaign money, which is the only way to success in politics. The ones who take the most money have the best chance of winning. Advertising dollars are almost everything in politics. So rare is the personality and character that can maintain honesty and integrity on the way op.

Honesty is my highest ideal. I live it. That is a big reason I don't have much money (but boy if I did... know the song? lol). Of course giving most of what I earn away doesn't help, but success requires playing games, or ignoring games, that I will not play or ignore. Call me foolish if you wish. Some people who've known me well have told me I have no common sense. I smile and let them go on there way. I don't mind being a loser in their eyes, because fom my perspective, they've lost a lot more than I have in this life.

Anyway, this is what looking at the world of politics (and other organized manipulative organizations and systems) does. I rant a bit. I preach or shout from a soapbox, lost in some sort of truth-seeking righteousness. I'm not sure I like that part of myself, but I always try my best to see things from all sides. It feels better when it feels like I succeed.

It was a distraction from the lack of sleep, long day, and running nose :)

Narf :)

Need Sleep

So as I sit here pondering political self-destruction (like Rome, an empire falls from within when greed and ego overcome logic and sensitivity to create too big a divide), the body cries out for sleep. The waterworks are turned on as the immune system cranks out antihistamines and antibodies and whatever else it can make to fight the invaders. The sleeplessness is the most challenging effect, as it undermines the immune system, prolonging the symptoms, and making room for complications that can end life in this body. Ninety minutes left before work starts again and all I need is a good 20 hours sleep. I'll settle for eight, but I have not seen eight consecutive hours of sleep in a very long time.

Meanwhile, work fills most of the time in life these days. Yesterday was typical and I left work to head to softball and then did two hours more work on my laptop at the softball field offices. The eyes get blurrier by the day, the body gets weaker by the night, the cycle is not going in a healthy directions. The elliptical remains, but has not been used for at least four days, going into five. Push through the fatigue? If only I could get a little sleep.

Alone makes it even sadder. Wanted: Nurse with more love for me than I have at the moment.

Of course I always ask for too much. Another unhealthy cycle.

Are you my mother? lol

Narf :)

Throw Away Entry

This one is just tossed in here, for every apparent reason, later in the year, after the moments the entries around this entry may have been written. Just because I have these extra words floating around my head and once again, for every apparent reason, I am clearing them out. Maybe I need more space. I could definitely drop some ear wax, plenty of that between the sounds and the brain. The primary reason I am not a fan of ear buds. Strange as it may seem, you probably don't care and never needed to know this, not to mention the content of 99.99999% of the words I've put online.

But that's ok, you don't even have to be here for these entries to pop up out of nowhere and if you never saw this one, your life would be the same as it always was, for better or worse. You don't ever know what you've missed, the magic behind the babble, the mystery behind the screen. The most valuable commodity in any universe.

It could have been yours.

Narf :)

Feelings, Not

It's a feeling I get wen I look to the west, a longing for a better life, a life filled with love ad hope and dreams that can still come true. It has nothing to do with Disneyland, in fact, is hours north of the mouse house, even though the song reminded me of the fun I used to share at Disneyworld. I miss people who loved me and cared about me, but I'm not a big fan of the human race as a whole. Never was. Stupid self-destructive competitors playing a game nobody wins, but in which everybody gets hurt. So I decided to slide this entry in here between the sheets just for the habibut.

When you get here, maybe you'll understand. If you want to care.

If not, be as you will, there.

Narf :)

Extremeties

Extreme extremities, again. Dragged myself out of bed before 7am on a Sunday morning, not even leaving enough time for a shower as I headed our for softball practice in 45 degrees. So tired, taking a wrong turn, I arrived five minutes late to practice, which is not like me at all. Did I mention the post nasal drip is driving me completely off the chain distracted, sleepless (in Orlando), fatigue, with waterorks fits several times a day? A good practice though, in spite of my fatigue. Just two hours, since no other teams practices after us. I headed to some stores for a few items, but I could not remember what I wanted to go shopping for, So I went impulsive and spent almost $300 on stuff I probably wouldn't have bought if I wasn't going extreme today. Superbowl Sunday, nobody interested in watching with me, uncertain if I was even going to watch even though both teams interest me, loneliness, wah wah, and then there's whatever else. Six more stores later, I bought a whole lot more and one of the items was an antenna for the TV. Walking, tired, home around 4pm. The antenna didn't work. Bummer, lonelier, wishing I simply didn't even acknowledge what day it was. Then, I found out that the game might be available on an app. So I got to watch, alone, but then, Jackson texted me a bunch of times so I wouldn't feel so alone. Andy brought home pizza and a meatball parm sub for me, and I bought some deserts. So much for the elliptical and weight loss, but on the other hand, the muscles needed rest too. Cough. And now the wallet needs even more rest. Cough. Sniff. Bouncing back and forth between the extremes of emotions and experiences, highs and lows, ups and downs, and ultimately, yummy fun. Alone, but still yummy fun.

So how as your Superbowl Sunday?

Narf :)

02022020

In case you thought I may have forgotten, today, n the 33 day of the year (with 333 days left, no less), numbers amuse. Whatever else it means, the numbers amuse. I just was not in any sort of mood to recall or record any sort of word play today. So just in case you are (or were) interested, I will leave this right here so you can check for yourself if you are or if you ain't, or something like that.

Just look at the time...

Narf lol :)

One Stride At A Time

The water works won't stop as I wipe the nose constantly, pushing back the cough as the throat tickle demands it, resisting fatigue to clock another mile on the elliptical. Still learning the controls and the measurements, still not finding a steady consistency of measurement, but feeling a consistency of pace, albeit pathetically slow... 18:20-something for the mile and level 2. It appears to measure distance faster at higher levels, though the RPMs remain the same, which seems odd. Calories change, but the distance should be dependent on RPMs and stride length, not resistance level, but I'll get used to it, find my groove, and start seeing what I can do to improve the measurements eventually. The multiple position hand grips are also taking some getting used to as I am uses to sliding my grip up and down and these grips do not allow for that. I shall adjust, compensate, and learn to make it my own.

The good news is only one night was skipped and the muscle fatigue, while still present, has improved. So when shall we return to the body blog for these workout updates? Perhaps I am waiting for better acclimation, or more detail, or improved numbers, or something...

Anybody?...

Narf :)

Deeper Fatigue

Not on the elliptical yet tonight and I already had dinner. The body is fighting something, the mucous is flowing, the throat is tickling, occasional bouts of coughing dripping distraction. 49, 95, 75. Did I stutter? Sleep is challenging laying down, so I sit up and hpe sleep comes, though the body needs to lay down. Nobody to whine to, so I may as well go, laughing and my pathos.

Nite nite, ish... lol

Narf :)

More Push

9 hours on my feet, four more hours at my desk, and then, another mile on the elliptical. Tonight was tthe toughest night yet on the elliptical, pushing the time to almost 19 minutes where the previous three days were 16 minutes, just under 17 minutes, and just under 16 minutes. I stopped for some lunch, home, shrimp salad and some macaroni salad. The body needs more rest and is hungry. Yet here we are, almost 10 PM (do you know where your children are?), and I finally have time for dinner. The TV rambles on about impeachment. I wonder if there was ever a trial without a single witness called. I makes no sense to have a trial where the jury refuses to look at evidence. Ignore the indictment, just move on.

Whatever the outcome, whatever is true in this case, whatever the defendant/accused did or did not do, innocent people want witnesses at their trial support their innocence. Innocent people do not tell the witnesses not to testify. Innocent people do not tell judges or jury that they can not have witnesses at a trial. Legitimate and fair judges and juries want evidence, witnesses, truth. Has there ever been an actual trial in this county without witnesses? I think there will be witnesses. Then what? All I see is a political party war that is destroying this country. I don't see a quest for truth, justice, or what is supposed to be the American way.

All I can do is hope this country stops travelling the path of the Roman Empire. In case you don't know how that turned out, well, not well.

Meanwhile, it's time for some food. That, I can smile about.

Narf :)

Calories Count

And then there was this, and food. The excellent 300 calories day didn't last as today started off with a health lunch and some protein shakes and walking walking walking and then softball, yay, and then another mile on the elliptical. Somehow, I went looking for food and found spaghetti looking back at me. Not just spaghetti, but butter, whole butter, light mayo, and ketchup. Yes, a different kind of tomato sauce. Higher in calories than most tomato sauces.

All the walking and machine running doesn't matter much if the calories are high, especially late at night. It is late at night, right? Maybe a lot Later than we think.

Ruminate on this, please.

Narfloflopadus!

Pushing Alone

Always seems to be, sorry seems to be the hardest word. Actually, in most cases, it seems to be the easiest word. It's the word I've heard most often from the people who say they care the most about me. So day two, another mile on the elliptical after softball after a 12 hour day at work and just 300 calories. Blurry eyes stare at this screen. No response acknowledging what I am doing or going through from the texts or emails. There was a hug, thanks Jackson. When nothing else comes, she remains the BFF. Maybe she's struggling with her own lifestyle changes that she is trying to make. At least she is not alone, I hope. I've lived with people who made me feel alone, which brings me to the babbling blog meme...

...there's a flu outbreak coming, please stay healthy.

Wow, this is a bluesy entry...

Narf :)

Softball, and One Long Mile

I got to the fields at 8:30 am and left the fields at 2:00 pm and did not sit down once. Most muscles were sore, as were the feet. When I got home, I got on the elliptical and did one mile. It took almost 17 minutes. Everything hurt. I need to learn how to get the stats from the elliptical screen on into entries (it's got bluetooth, so I'll need a computer with bluetooth, at least... maybe an app on the phone will work, but then I'll have to explore how to get data from a phone app on to the computer. Security issues rise somewhere in my mind.

The body is so tired. Still, this was a good day. I tested the body and found out how out of shape it is, and it is pitifully out of shape. Still, it was a good day. I've got to have a lot more good days/ Tomorrow, full work day and then, softball. I need to get some good sleep tonight.

Soon.

Here's The Deal

This one. Read this one, then follow all the links and so on, then let me know what you think and so on, then we'll talk if you want. I'd like that, if you can be honest and open your mind.

To be continue...

Narf :)

Nothing Changed Today

The elliptical is sitting right here next to me and I didn't get on it today. I ate two slices of decadent pizza for lunch. went to get a sub and cole slaw and ate about half the sub and a quarter pound of cole slaw for dinner. I had a pile of crackers and a seafood cheese dip for a midnight snack. A large double chocolate mocha frappe from Starbucks too. All TA's influence, but my choice. Belly full, and big, no exercise. I watched TV all day and evening. Supergirl, not great and getting worse with each season, and Emergence not bad, but horrible writing flaw in the lead character development, an AI show that is way to human, and without logic, and no eye candy at all). I visited Facebook for a few minutes after midnight, and the changes keep on changing, sort of, slowly, even if they are in a hard pause today. Nobody really cares, anyway.

It is actually a couple of hours after midnight now, but this entry refers to the day of the date on in, so you know, whatever. I only mention the time because I really should be sleeping because I have softball in six hours. With all the food I ate today, I hope I won't need the bathroom on the field (because the fields we are going to have crappy bathrooms and no shade or water). Loneliness, we can blame the loneliness. As foolish as that may be, that's the most likely explanation. Feel free to dig deeper if you want to. I don't expect a response.

I really should be sleeping.

Narf :)

Life, Recorded

This is the blog referred to in the record of a life blog, which explains what it is, so you can click on the link to find out what it is and a whole lot more background information and links related to the daily blogs I maintain in these written gardens online, but be that as it may or may not be (I do encourage you to go and click and read and click and read {and repeat and repeat and repeat... ... ... and so on, but I don' feel like linking moea th moment, especially when changes are happening ll over these written gardens these days... are you excited and stimulated and motivated to click and read more?... there's always hope :) ), today is a sleepy morning and it may be time for a morning nap, since I woke with the sunrise.

Instead of a nap, I got up and cleaned a bit, chatted with TA, Cooked up the leftover pizza for lunch, and now, am munching on M&Ms and awake, typing these words. So the primary blogs that record this life have been linked in this entry (that was also linked above), so if you want to see the record of this life, you now have a path. In case it matters. I hope it does :)

How are you?

Step One Fail lol

Ok, so I shouldn't be laughing, but after jumping right on it for the first five minutes, because, after all, it had to be tested, in my great excitement, I did, we ordered pizza to celebrate, and I got an extra meatball sub, and workout snacks (see photo below), and then proceeded to sit next to it, watching TV (Supergirl and the whole DC universe shows really suck, in spite of the eye candy, but then, I was never a fan of any the good-evil war-like stories in any genre, even comics, even as a little kid, I mean, I never got into Star Wars, in spite of peer pressure and your gasps lol), all night LOL. Feel free to admonish me, lovingly, of course.

Maybe I'll use it in the morning lol... wait it is morning. Yeah, so? lol.

I love it when I wake up randomly laughing.

Narf :)

Message In A Bottle

I drop the hints, not left, not right, not politics, not dark, not light, the hints I drop, without fanfare, lead to a truth, I long to share, a dream appears, that someone hears, that someone cares, that someone shares, without the fears, without dispairs, just someone cares, just someone shares. So much being left behind, but who has time, who has time, so much in out of my mind, rhythm and rhyme, reason and rhyme, does it matter, anywhere, to anyone, believe in love, and honesty, say, can you see... inside of me... all that can be... reality.

In case it matters, I am here. Wanting to love, wanting to care. Wanting to help, wanting to share. Wanting to give... so what do you need?

An incomplete rhyme, a simple seed.

Narf :)

It's Here

And the excitement continues to build...

17 Hours to the Elliptical

If I mention Dr Who, what would you do? I'd be excited if I was not so sleepy. I am so excited, I am joying for jump. Once upon a babblefish, on the stars we made a wish. Could OCD be the life for me? No more honestly, ADD. Could we be doing this on purpose? Why I write, when all the world distracts tonight... impeachment? What will the evidence say? What will the witnesses say? I'm listening. That is what a fair trial is about, right? That is what justice is about, right? Review the evidence and decide. Impeachment, thy distracteth me. I should not be laughing, but the corruption is so obvious that the three monkey trial is farcely absurdly amusing. Where are the political cartoonists? Can you hear the shouts of the sky is falling, the sky is falling! from one side and the silence of see, hear, and speak no evil, as the wealthy consolidate their power, as the fall of the empire continues. We be de judges.

Meanwhile, when you ignore the obvious, you only facilitate your ignorance. Hypocrisy, thy name is Senators. Might as well be enjoying drugs. Have we given up? Or are you just sleeping? Weeping, creeping, peeping, deeping... Maybe, maybe I'm wrong... I didn't really watch it. Did you? Maybe I'm amazed. Very long day, so much fun it is to write, policies, processes, programming codes. No pause at the work desk, can you feel the love tonight?

Finally, some food, some rest, some mind numbing news and a bit of babble. Sweet escape.

15 hours to the elliptical and the body cries out for some sleep.

Still, so many promises left to keep.

No fear, go deep.

Creep.


Narf :)

Cleaning Up The Corner

The elliptical will need a place and the corner it will live in was full of stuff, a big table with all sorts of stuff on it, waiting to be sorted. So instead of going to bed, I started moving the boxes and stuff on the table and table and hopefully I didn't make too much noise, cuz the kids are asleep (though the little one is in TA's bed in the back of the house). So the corner is clear of stuff and even swept. In 36 hours, the elliptical should be here. I should try to get a good night sleep tomorrow night then, aye?

I can get about three hours tonight.

Narf :)

Dragging It Out

The change that the body needs keeps stuttering, staggering, stopping. I almost made it through the day. Two yogurts, two protein drinks, less than 400 calories. Then, around midnight, a big bag of chips. The kids are here so I didn't want to make noise in the kitchen. I don't focus enough, I don't do enough, I don't exercise enough, I don't remember enough. I need to remember. I need t remember...

One day to the elliptical.

Narf :)

Fat Fat Fat Fat

The pants might not fit tomorrow. I may be back to the 38 inch waste, and that might not fit either. Madness ensues. Just like the country I live in. Watching the Senate vote on strict party lines, I rambled. History. Moscow Mitch and proves Putin won.

The saddest thing of all is most of the country may never even know what happened, really.

We've all become so fat, we don't care anymore.

Nite Nite...

Sunday Night, Actually Monday Night

Yes, so, napping right after dinner, I started heading for bed, but decided to tidy up a bit instead. So an hour later the dishwasher is emptied the kitchen counters are clear, mostly, and my tables in the living room or clearer, and I took some garbage out, and I'm laying in bed... seeing if I can go back to sleep. Using talk to text, and it is doing its usual crap and not even scrolling so that I can see what I'm saying on the screen, and every apostrophe is "'" so let's avoid contractions, m'ok?.

It would be nice to have someone to talk to right now. So I starting talking to text instead, blogging, writing. I don't do it for hours each day as I used to, but I feel better when I do, so I really should get back to writing to myself, if not to others. It is not that I have anything in particular to talk about, it is just that cleaning, laundry (which is incomplete cuz I stopped to let TA does the kids clothes cuz their mom's washer is broken again) and everything is sometimes is more fun when somebody shares it. Next weekend, though I will be rearranging the living room stuff some time in the next three evenings so I can clear the elliptical corner.

The temperature is supposed to go way down tonight so that tomorrow the high is about 50. I know that is not very cold for a lot of people up north, but for around here it is bad as cold gets. Heat is not, on but TA said he put it on last night so he might put it on that tonight if he wakes up. I don't feel a need at the moment.

I need to dress warm for work tomorrow, and I have to look up when the softball game is tomorrow night, and dress warm for that too. Alas, it is back to work again in a few hours. Tuesday, as today (Monday) was a holiday. It just feels more like a Sunday night.

Only a few more days until the elliptical arrives. I am hoping that it arrival will motivate the cleaning of the living room and more importantly a change in the diet. This week And was another pig out and there still a several pound bag of M&Ms sitting next to my recliner. Well the expense and presence of the elliptical be the motivation, I hope?

In case it matters.

Narf :)

Food, TV, Games...

The ellipsis represents the elliptical to come. Four days. The food was leftover Chinese. I forgot the oven stuff, so over-done (not quite burnt, but dried out crisped) shrimp and spring rolls. Still, good for leftovers from a C- take out place. There's ice cream and chocolate shell too, and cleaning up to do, and still more laundry, but I sit and watch Supergirl (more with my ears than my eyes, half an ear at that) and type words. New game, I did not mention the new game. It's called Break Bricks. Non-stop play ensued. Level 361.

An extra day off is a sweet thing, even when there's nothing to do and no one around.

Hope you are enjoying yours, Wherever you are, whenever it is.

Narf :)

At Least There Were No Chips

Yes,, hungover from yesterday's sugar party, the food binge is back to a bad peak again. Even with caffeine for the first time in a long time this weekend. Without exercise. So there it is, recorded, in case I wonder why I end up in the hospital. Four days to the elliptical, so he three pound bag of M&Ms and everything else should be gone by then.

Laughter is the madness of the self-indulgent.

Will it actually change the lifestyle and purchasing habits (indulgent purchases are a huge part of the cause)? Will the food babbling go back to the food blog and the body babbling go back to the body blog where they belong? Will Trump lead a multi-denominational school prayer to show he is really trying to support the constitution? These and other story lines will be decided in the ext episode, same batty time, same batty channel.

I remember the times I would not go to bed without running a few miles, or fifteen, just to burn off extra energy. The night, the quiet, that was my favorite running time. After the party, and there was always a party (and a lot more than sugar was passed around in those days), I'd run home from wherever the party was and often just keep going another few miles, or more, just cuz it felt so good. Maybe I'll get back there again one day.

Meanwhile, there's nothing else going on. I slept past no one for the second day in a row, but unfortunately, did not get to bed until after 7:00 AM this morning, so it was not exactly extra sleep I did nod off in the recliner for a while. So a bit butt-tired and bored, and naturally, for me, lonely.

No wonder I'm indulging in this self-indulgent babble.

And food.

Narf :)

Sunday Feast and Football

Leftover Chinese is the fod, but the feast is Magnum double chocolate and chocolate shell and M&M and Molten Chocolate Latte Iced Espresso (bzzzzzzz.. I wanna stay awake to watch the Conference Final games since they are on CBS and I have access to that) lol. All that is missing is some football talk, with a little commercial talk (cuz Conference Finals, and especially Superbowls, is when companies attempt their most creative commercials). While it may not be a winner overall, I did chuckle at the delivery of the "What's the car doin?" line, if you know what I mean.

While I can justify rooting for Tennessee because they beat the Brady (who's been my favorite football player for a long time and got on my radar when I first saw him at Michigan), go KC!

Bzzz... bzzz... bzzzzz...

Narf lol :)

Changes Happen

Sad to say goodbye to Youtube becuse the greed ruined a good thing for me and for humanity. Humans seem to do it a lot in the collective madness they accept as reality today. Like believing that 110 pound women are drinking three or four large shots of scotch in less than 60 seconds and pouring more is a trope that turns me off most TV and movies, especially when they are supposedly amazingly healthy, fit, and powerful women. Ditto men. Anyway, Supergirl fails there.

Anyway, watching TV, doing more laundry, and Chinese food. ried a ne place. It's ok, just not going back for several reasons. Empty crab rangoons, Soup only fair. Shrimps medium. Fried rice shrimp extra small and not abundant. No specific reason to return and plenty to pass it by. Still, with extra duck sauce, yum.

6 days to the elliptical.

Narf :)

Social Eating

As much as I love to self-indulge and eat alone (where no one can judge me by appropriate diet or logic or manners or anything and I can let animal instincts devour whatever food I am eating), I still enjoy social eating too. Today was a rare social eating day. They only happen a few times a month, sometimes less. Small southern American buffet, ok food, if you're in the mood, and good price.

Meanwhile, this week, I am binge watching Supergirl. Eh.

And doing a ton of laundry.

How about you?

Narf :)

Good Morning Afternoon

Saying good morning to the afternoon, what a delightfully restful feeling lol. Just waking in the past half hour or so, TA spoke of food, so we may go out. The little one is here, so she will choose and dominate, as usual. It was quiet when I woke, but the minute we started talking her TV or tablet volume went up to fill the house with whatever show she is watching. Some show full of chattering kids, like Full or Fuller House, or a Disney show. She's a chattering kid herself and likes to talk, so I suppose alone, she likes to hear voices. I do keep the TV on in the No comments:

As The Time Goes By

Not only does it really not matter if I'm wrong or right, but time really isn't going by. Unless we see ourselves as standing still and time more like a river. Maybe. We can also see time as a static field that we are passing through. And would we even be able to conceptualize time if we had no memory? Time is a construct we use to organize memory, ind of like a filing system. Each of us have a linear filing cabinet and memories mark time.

Anyway, as the time goes by, or as we pass through the time, or as whatever, I am realizing, by looking at (assessing, analyzing, comparing) memories by reviewing history as recorded in the blogs, that... I may have forgotten what I was realizing as the time goes by, or as we pass through time, or as whatever...

TA came in and we discussed food or something. And the kids are here and the little one is seldom silent and almost always seeking attention and dominating the space, so quiet solitary me-time is not available when the kids are here, but having little life energy around is a good thing too.

Anyway, again, as the time goes by, or as we pass through the time, or as whatever, I am realizing (by assessing and all that)... I'm drawing a blank. Maybe I was realizing that nothing really changes (isn't there a song or few?), or nothing really matters (there's definitely a few songs), or maybe even the futility of it all. Especially alone, living through obscurity (ooooh, there's a title for an autobiographical novel, or something like a Hitchhiker's Guide, or whatever).

Fatigue. Midnight cheesy spaghetti, Carb coma. Sleep.

Nite nite.

Narf :)

Don't Worry, You Don't Have to Care

It really doesn't matter if you do or don't, even though some days I beg for it, a scrap of attention, a little love, endless devotion, you know, even though some days it may seem like I am self-destructing in the hope that someone might care to intervene, save me, you know, in the end, I'll do as I please. The independence returns with the wind, like an answer, blowing all the pretentious self-pathetic fears and doubt away. If I am lucky, I'll keep it up for another few decades, or centuries. Never give up, never surrender. Be strong.

The yogurts and protein drinks are old and taste like it, but if I don't get sick tonight, I have enough to return to the sub-500 calorie days for a while. They are just old enough to turn off my appetite. Call it the little stomach ache diet. Hey, it's better than the laxative diet. Softball Monday, softball Tuesday, on the feet with much walking for 8 hours Wednesday (enough to be a bit stiff this morning), and more softball Thursday. Thump Day, thump thump.

Narf :)

Pigs in Blankets and More

Yes, another food intrusion into the daily blog, right here, right now, you see it, right? Party at Tinman's girlfriend's clubhouse and I pigged out in spite of being bloated before arriving. I didn't eat all day because I felt so bloated, but the buffet style pot-luck was, as an old song says, simply irresistible. Pasta, cheese, barbecue, rolls, rice, more pasta, meatballs, franks in blankets, quiche, barley, pizza, fried cauliflower bites, and more... then cookies. I had seconds and thirds of everything. Yes, bloated beyond bloated. Fool.

And it was all cold, so I would call anything delicious. Ridiculous.

Anyway, the usual crowd hung around after the food and we had the white elephant gift exchange. I ended up with two gifts because someone didn't want theirs and they gave theirs to me. I'll be re-gifting both lol. A lot of people exchanged gifts or left their gifts behind. I suppose we don't gift well as a group. After the gift exchange a small few of us played games. we cleaned up and left around midnight.

And here I am. bloated. stuffed. Looking for chocolate.

Shush.

Narf :)

Erred

Yeah, so whatever. The fat girl in the corner of the room knows the refrigerator is her best frenemy. So mistakes can be made in avoiding mistakes, delays are inevitable, even if there was no procrastination or business or distraction. Whether we find Marina, Malina, Milla, or Mila in our bed, there's room for all of us because he bed is in our mind. They understand. Being aware. Sharing a collective mind with a singular perspective in common. Being different is not always easy, but it's the only way to be... for one who is different. Learned today that the The fat guy at the gym store really didn't didn't know what he was talking about when he sent me the quote for the elliptical. I'd have returned the machine was selling me because it wasn't what I asked for. Back to the $4,000+ model. More time. More weight. More errs. One really must be careful and alert when making decisions all alone.

So what's life like in your world today?

Narf :)

Blurred

It is actually after midnight now. This week was blurred. More than 70 hours at work. More than 3000 calories a day, I think. Bloated tonight, again, and maxing out on the weight limits once again, but too tired and distracted to pay attention to a healthy diet. Just indulging the taste buds and sugar highs and fried food cravings and whatever. Work and food, that's all there was this week. Only TA knows, and e has he same food habits that I do. Dangerous roommate, perhaps, but the lack of healthy influence from anyone I know is no help. Jane did text a couple of times, I think. At least once. It's been a lonely week, not taking a moment for myself, so not noticing the lack of communication and not reaching out myself. A lot accomplished at work though, with more to come next week as the major project dominates, as the live implementation rolls out.

Were's you been?

Narf :)

A Week of Filler

But are they weak? That is a question (or whatever, aye?) I will leave for you and posterity. For me, well, the distractions weaken confidence in my personal judgment. So anyway, the extra entries may seem out of place, or perhaps they are seasoning for an otherwise mundane repetitiously redundant daily blog that isn't quite daily anymore, if it ever way, or perhaps they, along with everything else, amounts to little more (or less) than meaningless drivel lost forever and never noticed by you, posterity, or anyone, but they are here (they are here they are here), something like the who down in whoville, waiting for their very own Horton. Who? What?

We coulda been contenders, ya know?

Just in case you noticed, I just wanted to confirm there were a lot of filler entries posted long after the dates stamped, just because I sometimes have extra wods in my head and no place else to put them. I mean, when one has well over a hundred different open blogs (and then some), starting a new one for no apparent reason, on a sort of whim, just because there are some extra rather random words floating about in the brain, well, that seems like a bit of wasted spread. Whatever that means. Everything has profound meaning to someone, after all. And almost every entry could have at least a punctuation mark of profound meaning for me.

Us? Well, that would be up to you too, right? Snagglepuss had a great exit line, ya know?

In any case, event, or circumstance, you could click Older Post down below at least a couple of dozen times (or so) and then you would see for yourself. Even if you didn't want to judge.

You might have called, I mean, if you wondered.

So now you know.

Maybe.

Narf :)

Without Merit or Reason (Just Because)

This one is like tat, whatever that is (perhaps a reference to the title and then some, whatever some is), but be that (or this) as it may or may not be or to be, whatever the question, there are those times, and perhaps these are some of them, that not only try the souls (or soles, depending on how many parentheses we must walk through), but test the virtue of one's curiosity. Tenacity required, but not necessarily included.

It was a slow start to the new year as procrastination continued to deepen and the self-indulgent dietary escapes continued to consume much hope and reason (not to mention health). Chocolate, naturally, but heavy on the southern Italian and mixed Chinese too. More bread and ice cream (though not in the same bowl) added flavor (and calories) along the way. Stop be before I explode, or die, even.

Don't worry, be happy, and carry on.

Narf :)

When You Least Expect It

Just when you expected this blog to be what it was meant to be, a daily life record of daily life, and assorted sundries (whatever goes through my head related to daily life without babbling on, cuz babbling on belongs in the babbling daily, in case you forgot), along comes random retrospection, introspection, and various diversions, distractions, and doodles (of the literary persuasion). Maybe its the time of year. Maybe it's the year of life. When I get older, loosing my hair... will anyone care? People just play with each others heads as they play with their own, consciously and subconsciously.

Don't let it get you down, it's only castles burning. Picklefaces unite!

Or something like that.

Narf :)

Filling In The Gaps Again

Every time I turn on the news I see people in fear, people filled with hate, violence and manipulations, the news brings me so many unpleasant sensations. The world of humans brings me sadness. So much self-destruction. As much as I want to share and not be alone all the time, I don't want to get close to people anymore. I don't trust humans. I used to trust, so blindly, so completely, and then I stopped. I gave my all, put my life in someone else's hands more than ones, and each time I was left for dead, literally. Remembering can still hurt. Forgetting can hurt even more.

Is there anybody going to listen to our story...

Narf :)

Food, Football, Fun

The fun is mostly in my head, alone, as the food was fun while it lasted, but the hunger returns only hours later as I watch the football playoffs and lament over the pathetic performance of my favorite quarterback (though it's largely his inadequate receivers). And most off all, they were badly out-coached. At home, no less.

Dinner as delicious, the Mikado buffet. Not cheap, and not the best night for it (though still excellent), but seriously delicious on almost every mark. So after the disappointing game, I headed to the store to get some midnight snacks and more than a thousand calories of sugar and chocolate and fat later, bzzzzzz.

Tomorrow morning is softball practice, but I do not feel like sleeping tonight. Watching TV, wasting away, ahhh, look at all the lonely people...

Barf :)

Five Days In

Or maybe four, but who's counting? The TV is getting louder in the other living room as the little on plays with the remote. She is probably trying to wake her dad as she is sitting in there by herself. She does it a lot and I wonder if she has hearing issues. It is quite distracting when the TV is suddenly shouting. She's watching Scooby Do. The rain woke me, as it pounding on my bedroom windows, but I can barely hear the rain now that I am in my living room, especially when the volume of the TV in the other living room is turned up. So the environs dominate the thoughts as I wake on the Saturday... morning? A few minutes to noon is still morning, right? lol.

Yeah, this is how this year starts, as the kids were here for the Eve (their mom must have wanted to go out and dad is her built in babysitter), I didn't pay attention to the clock and skipped a few parties, happy to have a day off to rest) and all day New Years day, even though it was not a quiet relaxing space with the kids and the dog here too. Work filled the second and third days of this new year, as I was at my desk by 7 and still at my desk at the other 7, still working on the project. TV with headphones gave a sense of me time last night, though TV me time is not the me time I was seeking this morning as I woke to the rain after lots of sleep.

So I turned to the earbuds and my TV and vented the waking frustration (fueled by some transference, I suppose, but that's sort kinda what this entry is about, isn't it? lol) and now, more into my head (and maybe more into my hear as Dire Strait's Romeo & Juliet caught my consciousness for verse or few) and less distracted (yes, this is less distracted than I was when I woke and first sat down here lam), I shall see what the day shall bring. A shower is on the agenda, as is a very light lunch (as dinner with Helen is on the schedule for later and I think we may pick a buffet). And the fourth song on this Youtube-created playlist is This Morning...

How wonderfully ironic lol lam layt lal laa :)

Naf :)

She Loves You, Yeah

Yeah, yeah? Did yu see her yesterday? Who is she? Where is she? Dream lover, where are you? Don't be cruel, to a heart that's true. My people, your people, us verses them. I don't want any part of taking sides. Who can understand? Who can walk that line? Without magic or superheros, with just reason and rhyme. Sharing everything honestly in each moment in this space and time. Before we completely lose interest in the freedoms and rights we take so for granted, before they are gone, can we live together in peace? Imagine...

Will you find me this year?

Narf :)

Not Sleeping Again

And working too long, too many hours for others and not enough for myself, once again, caught in the loop of pushing the waking hours too tired to focus on clarity, but too lonely to sleep alone. Too lonely to sleep alone. So I sit up and wander through nothing, whatever, and watch banal TV, and OD on sugar and fats till I coma, just trying to escape and forget and not feel as this life wastes away. Still I do a lot of good for many other every day. Good heart, good man, good life, no plan, just a dream of sharing love and caring for someone who shares the same dream... just a dream of sharing love and caring for someone who cares for me.

That's all i want from life... is that too much to ask?

There's always hope... I hope...

Narf :)

I Was Not Here

I don't know where I was, I don't remember. It was the day after, the last December. So many celebrate, I simply sit and wait, don't underestimate, or masturbate, just contemplate. All around me I see so much unnecessary guilt-ridden drama, might as well be in a coma, living life like a comma. Lost in a pause without cause or any depth of reason, from season to season, while their leaders treason, abandoned disseizin, pray for a savior instead of behavior that change their lives. Accepting their fate as if it is too late to survive. As if they are in a car that someone else drives. But even knowing better, to share all we can do, is hope for the one who who will share to arrive.

Are you there?

Narf :)