Football Saturday

Usually it is softball, as a player, but softball is on hiatus so it is football, as a spectator. CBS has two games today, so I get to watch one (and head out to the party Sarducci's is throwing tonight). Watching football on TV and wandering the web, that's the day. There's plenty more to read about, as usual, in the babbling blog. I still didn't do the shopping and I need at least one gift for tonight so I am heading out to the mall now. It is open for two more hours. Hope you have a Happy New Year - May 2018 be the best one yet.

Narf :)

Twas The Morning Before

The last morning of 2017 and I am going back to sleep. I'll likely be up quite late tonight, so it is a rational decision. Justified by the communal celebration of turning a page on the cultural calendar. Actually, we toss one calendar and buy another, but it's the thought that counts. I am enjoying time for myself, me time, in spite of the living environment and state of humanity and loneliness, I am having fun in my head. It is much easier to do after I vent all the negative energy all around me in this world.

Hope you find a good way to cope too :)

Narf :)

Smelling Fishy

Returning from dinner at the lobster feast. An all-you-can-eat seafood buffet that is packed with tourists most nights because for $48 there is all the lobster and snow crab and dozens of other seafood and other foods to eat. They used to have fantastic desserts too, but they cut corners on that in recent years. They typically overcook the lobsters, which I think are steamed. The crabs are better in my opinion, but they vary in quality. The place is all about quantity, not quality, but it is a treat just the same. In spite of washing twice, I still smell fishy.

Hope you enjoyed your dinner too.

Narf :)

Been Babbling

Not much else. I do need to get into the shower soon as I have dinner plans with Helen, the lobster feast - a favorite seafood place in the tourist zone. I need to do some shopping before tomorrow night too. Four gifts to buy as I was asked to participate in gift exchanges. I find it challenging to buy relatively inexpensive gift for people I do not know well. It was easier for Jackson, I made her tell me what she wanted lol. We don't exchange gifts anymore. Family was an illusion in my head, alas. Like all the other kids I've adopted along the way. Money can't buy you love, but it sure can pay a roommate's rent so someone is around and they are friends while they live there. Anyway, I have a gift to get for a stocking stuffer exchange for a party tomorrow night. Sent three texts asking her friends what she likes. One responded saying a gift card. Do people even give meaningful personalized gifts anymore?

So I've been in the babbling blog lately with the TV on in the background.

Feel free to let me know what you've been doing.

Narf :)

Of Course I Should Be Sleeping (again and again)

Watching The Outer Limits second edition (95-02) and held my nose through the first five or six episodes until the holier than thou preaching toned down a bit for the episodes to become decent background distraction and then the body wanted more, more food, more play, more touching, more feeling, more loving, more attention and the mind just wouldn't stop wishing and hoping and dreaming and believing...

You still awake too?

Narf :)

A Walk In Other Parks

That was the day, this time walking the parks east of my office. Not as many as yesterday because I spent more time in the parks today because they are farther apart on the east side and they are bigger because it's more wilderness. Lunch was convenience store roller food (if you don't know what convenience store roller food is, you haven't lived... or something like that). Back here after work and Hulu as usual, or closed, in the bedroom, Eb out there in the living room playing his video game. That's life, at least here in the brief daily blog.

You know where to find more. Hope you do. Hope it's good for you too :)

Narf ;)

A Walk In The Park

So I sat down at my desk, checked email, took care of several thing, and by 10:00 AM was on my way out the door. Fifteen parks and facilities later, I drove back to the office. I walked a few miles today, at least. I inspected and photographed and and smiled at the children and everyone I met along the way. I met Helen for lunch at an Indian restaurant. They had a lunch buffet. Not bad, but skimpy on substance. I love sauces and naan so ll was well.

So how awas your day?

Narf :)

It's Ok

It's ok if I just lose my mind. It's not as if anyone thinks I'm any sort of find. I know the world can be unkind. People choose to be so blind. Always trying to rewind or unwind. Afraid to admit that before they even started, they resigned. Listening to some old favorite songs, my way of hanging on to myself. I don't care how lost I get, but I do keep a lifeline attached. A lifeline of music. A lifeline of words. A lifeline of songs. Just in case it matters. just in case someone might someday come along and want to find me.

I really should be sleeping now...

Narf :)

Too Much Routine

Another day at the desk. More work done, important work, but I really need a break from the desk routine so I think I will head out to some parks tomorrow. I went shopping down the main street here in this little town trying to find a frog and a picture frame and nothing. I'm late getting presents for they girls at work. I suck at this holiday stuff. So I will try to find something tomorrow. Then, here again to eat canned food. The leftover beans and onions and Nathan's hot dogs. I know, decadent, perhaps even a waste, to slice up Nathan's into beans. Like putting filet mignon into stew. I've done that too. Belly stuffed, still hungry. Then, catching up on CBS shows. No tears tonight, which is odd because the NCIS shows usually brought them most. Not the new cast, I suppose. That's the day that was. Evening too.

You can share yours anytime now, ya know?

Narf :)

Relaxing Day

I reached out to friends but nobody wanted to go out to find food so I overcame some obstacles and cooked some pizza here. During the day I did five or six loads of laundry. I have two more, but I stopped so Eb could do a load and he never took his clothes out of the washer, as usual. He really doesn't know how to share space. I should respond to the roommate dot com mails. I just need to have my head clear and that's tough during this holiday season. I'm just so hesitant about trusting these days. Maybe it's a devil you know kind of thing.

Laundry, food, and internet TV. You?

A relaxing day.

Narf :)

And so... Yeah?

And what have we done, no doubt. Well, I did my reminiscing (as superficial as it was) when it was supposed to happen, on my NYD (new year's day), but since I am sitting here alone feeling the various vibs of the world (war and peace, heavy on the war) I shall simply report, as it is the purpose of this brief daily life blog in spite of the tendency to open with a paragraph of rambling like this lately. Are we at all amused?

Sitting here typing, that's what I am doing. The third loat of laundry is spinning around and there are at least four more loads before I consider myself caught up on laundry. I've taken to using three (sometimes four or five) times the recommended detergent because the packets simply do not show signs of any soap in the water when I check (and with reverence to Deep Purple, there should be some soap on the water during the wash cycle. I always double rinse, in case it matters. Eb is cooking a roast so he's got the kitchen tied up so I am not sure what I will eat. Cans dumped into a bowl heated in the microwave, no doubt. Unless I order in, but then, is there anywhere open today?

In case you are in the midst of wondrous celebratory festivities with families and loved ones, wonderful, may all your hopes and wishes become reality and fun :)

Narf :)

Merry Happy

The party was fun, as usual. For many years now on the eve of December 25th a group of us gather at the home of a friend for a Swedish Yule celebration for a couple or few dozen people (some years more, some years less) who do not have family in town r at all and who enjoy meeting at least once a year for good conversation and food. Once again it was intellectually stimulating and quite yummy.

Once again my own odd perspective (at least by this culture's standards) plays out here for all to see, applaud or boo, and judge as you wish. You go your way and I go mine, as you wish. I spent the day writing and watching James Bond films. I arrive back here tonight and we are up to On Her Majesty's Secret Service. I hope you are enjoying your time wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whomever you are with.

Much love to all, and to all, good night.

Narf :)

Though The Day

I don't know how profound it might have been, but watching something on Hulu kept me awake last night (sure, blame it on Hulu) and somewhere along the way more writing continues and I don't think it had any details about the actual activities of daily (or nightly) life in it, but whatever, another entry... another bottle tossed into the cyber seas... ultimately, proof there is still hope alive somewhere inside of me that I might find someone to share some life with. Today I spent some time doing this. And wandering Facebook just a bit. No messages, no new invites, lots of notifications. People seem to prefer to communicate through general postings on their wall instead of direct personal contact. I think that diminishes the quality of life, but hey I've always been different.

So what was your day like?

Narf :)

Into The Night

What if the connection to the one I seek passes through my field of vision in the middle of the night? The middle of the night is the time I want to share with her most, after all. Far from the rush-around madness time of day when nobody lets their truest feeling show because the cut-throat fight for the holy dollar is the most important thing on everyone's mind - the fight for physical survival happens during the day. Emotional survival belongs to the night and unfortunately, most people sleep right through it.

I don't.

Narf.

Party Friday

Right here, just me, loving every minute of it and soon. Not soon, so on. And so on. Another fine work day and everybody went home early, even my boss. I stayed until after five. I was finishing something and the computer was crappy and tech support took over the computer and it crash and I stayed to recover my files and finish and that's just the way I work. The party was food, as usual. You can read all the details, menu, and recipes in the usual place. The last few episode of dead like me and then, the party got to kicking with Airplane!. Wish you were here, especially if you were into a party. And me. And so on.

Narf :)

Ready For Sleep

Still wide awake. Nodding off in the physical world, but still wide awae somewhere inside. It's a cosmic experience everyone should try once in a while.

So today was another day. I left my desk for a few hours, amazing, I know. I just realized dead like me uses lower case letters like I used to. No wonder I relate. I did some shopping after a morning meeting at another site. Same foods. The past couple of days I've been on a chili kick. Canned chili. Canned food used to disgust me. Financial hardships change taste buds too. After work i was back to dead like me, as you might have guessed. I confirmed Friday softball. Lonely, enjoying the limited life I live these days, but lonely.

In case it matters.

Narf :)

Long Live Distractions

The processing continues. alone. Te grieving is part of the process, a process within the process. I skip past denial quickly on the surface, but never really leave it even though I do wander through all the stages in my own way, it's hope that keeps me there, endless incorrigible hope. I'm hopelessly hopeful. I survive every time and somehow keep believing someone will come along and love me... and stay. As I said, long live distractions.

Another long day at the desk, more accomplished, some distractions with Excel. No lunch, again. Back here to a big bowl of canned pasta and chili without beans, extra cheese, the usual condiments. And Dead Like Me Hours and hours of Dead Like Me. Ellen Muth and Cynthia Gibb ad Mandy and the rest, a show I can relate to on so many levels. Deeply too. So I watched the screen and babbled and wandered and processed and it's after midnight (yes, it is). Hope you are well and all that.

Narf :)

Another Day (for the umteenth time)

Actually, a lot more than umteenth, in fact, a lot more than umpteenth, even. Into the five figures or something like that. Are you in the five figures? What a strange way to ask what must be one of the most frequently asked questions in our cultures, how old are you?, aye? A/S/L? Sheesh, who remembers? Not that I am interested in your age. Age maybe be the single most abusive prejudice we have in our culture today. We literally let people waste away and die unloved, uncared for, alone all the time in this culture just because they've lived too long for our patience. There was a time when age meant something powerful, profound, revered. Now, age is a curse like the plague and most people avoid it... like a plague.

Work, as usual, at the desk all day, ten straight hours except for a meeting with HR about giving me a few hours to do safety training at orientation. Tomorrow morning I am going to get out of the office a little. I left my office after 6:00 PM and shopped a bit then home to eat more canned pasta. How I slipped back on this pasta kick, whatever. Watching Dead Like Me now.

So how was your day?

Narf :)

Dumping Nothing

Another work day at the desk, another night floating through silent spaces, processing takes it's own sweet or sour or bitter even, time. No internet for the moment, so watching TV elsewhere, in case it matters.

The brain and body need sleep.

Narf.

Working Through Changes

Sending love to the universe, hoping some falls on friends far away. This is all I have left for now, these words for all of you. My messages in bottles inspired only within my mind. My imaginary friends, I love you all so very much. Losing a friend sucks, but losing self sucks even more. It hurts. losing words hurts too. I remember reading the cryptic diaries and blogs and sometimes found them so alluring, but I think that was mostly my own overwhelming desire to share, to relate, to understand, and to make contact with the writer somehow. Some of you may understand. Loneliness does strange things to the mind, giving all sorts of distortions and wishes to perception and perspective.

I paid for the roommate website again tonight. I really should have laid down and slept, but I searched and searched and sent out a lot of messages instead. More messages in bottles. More people I will eventually drive away somehow. But I've got it all figured out, so maybe...

A Happy Sad

Today was a restful day here writing, processing, and watching sports on TV. You can read about it here. It is a happy sad. I enjoyed myself and expressed myself (which feels good and rewarding) and amused myself and exercised my heart and mind (not so much physically, but I am tired and didn't sleep last night and went to softball practice this morning only to find out it was cancelled). The sad is the loneliness. No one with whom to share the fun I had today. Not even on the phone or text or here online. Sigh. But I did have fun, so it is a happy sad.

How about you?

Narf :)

Sleepless Again

Another Saturday night and the after party is in my head all night long and I head to softball practice in the morning only to find it was cancelled and I did not find that message among thirty or more messages in four or five group message chains that started as at least two. Textual confusion. Long drive there and back, more than two hours that could have been for sleep or writing or... alas, more food. The details are where you find them. Dinner was yummy, the party was small but fun, and only three of the eight people in attendance people fell asleep before 11 PM. Look around the written gardens and you'll see I continued.. in spite of the distractions and profound changes. Plowing through to keep up with the flow, doing my best to stay in touch... where are we now?

Missing you...

Narf...

Microsoft Sucks (Episode Whatever)

You can read about it here, but the damned Microsoft Corporation did their damnedest to ruin my night once again and while the jury is still out on their success in that endeavor, they completely succeeded in taking over my time and computer for more than an hour and completely succeeded in altering the stream of my consciousness and completely fucked and completely failed showing any customer service or common sense.

My next computer will be an Apple.

Other than that, it was a wonderful day and evening and night. Yummy food, fun and games, and productive writing. You can read a lot more about that in the usual place. As for the good narfing and dreams (and what dreams may come), well, perhaps the universe really didn't want me to go back there... or perhaps it was and is just still testing me.

Someday we'll all understand.

Narf :)

Good Narfing?

Good Narfing, Yeah. Nothing to do it's up to you... yeah yeah yeah, not really. Waking up foggy with Beatles on my mind and two texts either help or lead me back to where I once belonged, longing for family. Helen cancelled birthday lunch with her mom and instead we will do dinner at the crazy buffet, one of the best in the area... and Jackson sent a picture of Happiness out of the blue at 7 this morning and I wonder if that is why I went to the bathroom at around that time, but anyway I fell back to sleep and just woke... foggy with Beatles on my mind and that longing. Always that longing deep down, always that sadness deep down, so much fun it is to be me and play and love life as I do, few know of that longing, but it's always there deep down.

In case it matters.

Narf :)

Welcome Back (Not Kotter)

Yeah, I am watching a lot of TV lately, finished the first season of Dirk and moved on to new episodes of The Gifted and Blindspot while eating chicken and soup with some mayo in the soup sauce. The day was a work Friday full of more desk work and cake, lots of cake. It figures I go counting page views for the first time in ages n the day you don't stop by. We must be mind melding somewhere, but be that as it may be or not to be, the day sizzled with excitement. For someone, somewhere, it sizzled with excitement. My belly full but me hungry, and not for food. Would you like to swing on a star?

Naturally, I am referring you to the babbling entry now if you want more. Not much to say, but it's ok.

Good Narfing, good narfing, Narf.

Just One What?

Just one view of the last entry. After an average of four or five views for each previous entry for a very long time, which lead to the opening of the previous entry wondering who you are aptly entitles Who Are You? and sure enough, you've all run away. All few of you. All except one. Unless that was me. Right. So anyway, whatever.

I really really really do want to who you are.

Today was a wonderful ordinary day of work at work. Except we had the first evacuation exercise in several years and it went off without a hitch. Almost. Everyone was very pleased, or so they said. Thanks you's came from all over the building for my organization and training that saved them all from the imaginary fire. Then... more paperwork. I'm almost done with some of it. Exciting, right? Lunch was leftovers from yesterday's party including decadent cake. Arriving home, I promptly was hungry in spite of a full buldging belly and all the food and calories put in this body today. I ate a can of vegetable soup without the potatoes and some chocolate. Watching the last episode of Hicthhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, TV version. Six by Nine. Get it?

Hope you are having fun in your life to.

Whomever you are.

Narf :)

Who Are You?

It matters, really, it matters to me. Someone (or two, even) visit here from time to time (or daily, even) and I wish I could hug you and kiss ou and take you home and call you George. If that cartoon reference did not amuse, well, I still want to know who you are and you matter to me very very much more than I can express in words. Even if I wasn't still watching our Hitchhiking heroes dine at the restaurant at the end of the universe, I'd still really love to know who you are and appreciate you even beyond the end of the next universe.

In case it matters, my day was interesting. Some email conversations in the early morning and then walking the building for two hour talking to the evacuation monitors to see if they felt ready for tomorrow's evacuation exercise and most said they were quite ready. Ironically, the monitors in my hallways did not even read the emails I'd been sending out for months. By then it was time for the department holiday party which was catered by Chipotle (which was a disappointment because they said it was to be Fuel which is some of the best barbecue in the area) which was fun. After that I sent two hours resolving the confusion for the evacuation monitors in my own hallway. Then, final check of email and here we are.

Sleepy, but happy. Lonely, but happy. I may nod off before babbling tonight, but happy.

I hope you are finding some worth here, whomever you are.

Than you so very very very... much.

Narf :)

Next Day

Yes, this is the next day. The day after yesterday, which seems to be happening a lot lately. Today was another wonderful day. All desk work, but a lot accomplished. This is a busy week. Getting home after hours again, I showered finally. The 60 degree temperatures inside (and 40 degress outside) make showering more challenging than it should be, but the body needs it so it is done. Food came next, then Hulu and SNL, then more food, all the while writing this mess. The laptop is acting up, like running out of memory freezing. It' a very recent phenomenon and getting worse. I'm running the virus scan now.

So I'll watch more SNL.

Narf :)

It Is The Next Day

The day after yesterday, that is. Always tomorrow, always today, always the day after yesterday. The ever changing constancy is so soothing, is it not? Today I ate lunch. It was a desk day at work, much desk work accomplished, and I ate oatmeal, prunes, and yogurt. Leaving work, I was all set to not be hungry enough to pig out and I arrived to find the thermostat set for 62 degrees which made me want soup and hot asta. So I made onion soup with cheddar cheese soup and some golden mushroom soup along with seven or eight hot dogs, some mozzarella cheese, a bit of butter, and ketchup. Ridiculous, I know. Some TV, Big Bang, Young Sheldon, Orville and then, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the TV show. Amazing I know. In case it matters, you really are missing out on a wonderful life. Hope yours is good too.

Narf :)

Winter

Earlier than usual, the temperature actually hit 35 degrees this morning and there I was playing softball in three layers of sports clothing. I know, many of you consider 35 degrees a heat wave, but when the average daily temperature year round is over 70 degrees, 39 degrees is cold for outdoor sports that require fine motor skills and tonight looks lie a repeat performance by the north winds.

It was a wonderful day in spite of my lack of sleep. Fun exercise and then, lunch with Tinman and then, conversation, setting up his TV antenna, accidentally resetting his kodi box therein losing all the channels and settings and work our friend ... did to set it up, watched a really terrible episode of a Star Trek remake I don't think I ever knew existed, and then arrived back here in zombie-like fashion just to write this bit of synopsis for you cuz you are that special.

Hope you had fun too.

Narf :)

40 Degrees

That is the temperature outside which is wonderful for those who miss the northern winters and not frigid for anyone who lives in the north, but it is cold for those of us who have lived in the south almost three decades and who moved down here because we were tired of the north winds and winter. Still, a few days of this is invigorating. Now if there was just a place to warm up, it wouldn't be half bad. The thermostat here is set for 63 degrees. Yes, so the air coming out of the ducts is 63 degrees. If it was hot out, that would still be chilly for indoors. So I sit here in 63 degree weather clothing and dance with the devil in the pale moonlight.

Tonight was fun. After writing much of the morning and afternoon, I headed out and first fixed Helen's shower and chatted with her for about an hour and then headed to -- party where there was fattening food so thank goodness I did not eat anything today because the bloat from last night's pig-out was still hanging around my waist. So many obese people in one place, but not everyone. It was a fun night, though Sarducci was oddly aggressive in his mockery tonight which put a damper on things for some of us. After the party I updated Facebook pages instead of sleeping (no blanket or comforter helped) and here we are. Softball in an hour so no sleep tonight. What am I seventeen? lol lam...

Narf :)

Seriously Good Morning :)

Seriously, Good Morning... I hope this day finds you well. I woke in a wonderful mood with surprising clarity and spent a couple or few hours writing a letter to J that turned into an even more rambling bit of rhetorical reflection on myself and many other subjects. The phone rang twice and I talked and made plans. The body provided some pain as it does daily once again proving the doctors are wrong and the usual loneliness hovers all around, but that's not diminishing the wonderful feeling of being awake and alive. A cold front is moving in and I am loving that too. Soon I shall head out to play and party and I hope you find your day as full of smiles as I am right now.

You can do it!

Narf :)

Lost Title

Not a lost day, but almost because I got back here after work and ate and felt sleepy and nodded off and so I laid down and somehow found myself still watching TV after midnight so somehow I laid there for almost six hours after nodding off in the chair. It was very strange but not penny lane). Laughter abounds somewhere.

Both days were productive at work, as usual. This week has not followed the low calorie diet instructions, however reduced calories, perhaps, and all canned food which helps the pocket book. Not the best for the health though. That's just the way it is.

In case it matters.

Narf.

Another Early Morning

So I woke 4:30 AM to head into work early because the power company was doing a load test at 5:00 AM and we've had generator issues at this building. This building houses the County Manager, the County Commissioners, the County Attorney, and offices for the Tax Collector, Clerk of Courts, Health Department, Property Appraiser, Building Inspectors, Human Resources, and more big wigs for the county than you can count on ten hands, so the fact that two of the three generators failed during the last power outage a few weeks ago rocked many boats in this county government. While that is not my responsibility, I am here to reassure people that safety will be monitored even when it is way over my head.

As the test continues, I figured I'd stop in here to say hello since nobody will be here for another few hours and I don't want to become accustomed to working 13+ hour days too often. Me time is important, as if all the years I gave it up didn't teach me that already. So I wish you a happy morning and a smile when you wake. Make it a great day.

Narf :)

Last Night

Caved into taste buds and made pasta. Twice. Second time with cheese. Ok, so it was cheddar cheese soup which is a lot less calories than real cheese, but still. Way more calories than a weeknight should have provided this body. Slip sliding away. In case it matters. I know it matters to a few of you. A couple, at least. What about Mila Kunis? Huh? Yeah, I thought so. Where are all the mysterious mischievous dark sultry innocent brilliantly intuitive amazingly intelligent psychic magical optimally fit adorable girls in my life?

Rhetorical questions come cheap. So what else is new?

Another fine day at the office. I have a lot to do in preparation for the evacuation drill scheduled for a week from two days from now. Setting up of the emergency alert system that they won't give me enough control over to use properly and finalizing documents that should have been approved when I first submitted them six months ago but they sat on desks and now I have the luxury of updating again with more knowledge of the government. They don't seem to mind things not done on time, or in some cases, at all. Gotta love government work.

Watched TV. Time for sleep. So will you come over and tuck me in?

Narf :)

Almost Went Out

I just fell in love with Sarah Silverman. It was building up as I was watching her first three shows and then, somebody broke her. I'll probably write more about that, but this is the brief one. So I worked as I often do o Mondays and they day was another fine work day. Progress at the desk in the morning and then off to take care of other things, the car to the shop, a meeting reviewing the emergencies and preparation for the next emergencies, washing the pool car because it was filthy, then back to the office to catch up on email and a few other things. Then, dinner (several cans, of course). I almost went to dinner with friends but tonight is a low calorie night and dinner would have been higher calorie. So I stayed home and rested. Watched Hulu TV. You may have gotten that out of the first line. Did you ever wonder where intelligence went?

But what I really want to know is... who's the statue?

Narf :)

Waking in the Evening

I may have fallen back asleep on a more comfortable bed without an itchy rash in a clean and silent space, but I didn't and so I got out of bed and took another quick shower with water not hot enough to do what I need it to do and ten powdered and sat to write a letter to J and then watch some TV. MacGyver is so stupidly (and pretentiously) melodramatic and obviously predictable. Anyway, watching the mediocre TV fare and then, more food found it's way into my mouth. Four cans. Bad move. Alas, start again in the morning.

How about you?

Narf.

Plans Change in Moments

So I was going to finish doing laundry today but after softball practice (which went as well as practices go with players with limited skills) and stopping at the supermarket (tried a new location, wow, rich people pay as much as really poor people), I arrived back here to find Eb returned from his weekend away early. He was sitting a foot away from the 50+ inch TV playing the video game again. I cooked and ate and turned on the football that CBS was telecasting and now... falling asleep.

Narf :)

Still At It

Laundry, writing, listening to TV (it's on in the other room), and communicating with various entities on the internet. I know I should be sleeping, but I want to get more laundry done. I still have a load in the washer, a load in the dryer, a load of work pants and a load of bedding to wash. I will leave the work pants for tomorrow because I don't want them sitting in the washer or dryer and I will likely fall asleep before they are done. I will leave the bedding for tomorrow because I want to sleep on it before it would be done. I may leave the two loads washing and drying right now in the washer and dryer, which might mean washing and drying them again tomorrow if they smell mildewing and/or are wrinkled, which is very possible. These are the trials and tribulations of doing laundry here. Exciting, isn't it?

Softball in the morning, I really must sleep. But I want to share.

So how is your night?

Narf :)

Saturday Night Laundry

That's right, I am doing laundry. Eb is away for the weekend and I am taking advantage of the privacy sitting here as I prefer to be, nude, listening to a college football game and typing these words. Dinner was delicious. Besides laundry which is a work in progress. I sent in my LEX listings and am seriously excited. I believe I overwhelmed the people who wrote me from pen pal world but I shall never give up, never surrender.

Anyway, UCF! UCF! UCF! lol lam lolol :)

Ohio State too :)T

Two softball games were both fun and I pitched really well and went 8 for 8 with two walks. Great day for me personally, even though we lost. Dinner was delicious. I have softball in the morning, 8:00 AM almost an hour away, so I must get some sleep soon. You can read more about my adventures (and misadventures... oh, but how I wish I had a miss adventure, aye?) in the other blog where babbling is increasing again.

You've been warned lol lam...

Narf :)

Simply Settling

In so many ways, if it matters (I keep wondering... and thank Z and J for the reassurances so the answer is not nil... nil is the loneliest number, no matter what other songs say), settling. Mostly simply, but definitely settling. The digesting system settles daily and this is a good thing, for if the consistency was not as it is, the other maladies would be worse. see a doctor before the new year while it's still free, m'ok (so I won't call you {meaning me, in case you are not noticing that I write to myself now and then} a complete idiot). Two softball games, with appreciation from a team who never won a game but scored more runs with some help today than they have all season, then dinner. One of the buffets moved which threw Helen for a loop (she does not like change), but we parked and I drove so she was ok. Excellent food and service, we can only hope it maintains high standards and does not go the route of every other buffet after a few months. After dinner, here we are.

Previous entries hold more mystery and secrets, but none had such good tastes :)

Narf :)

Days Move Along

Waking Wondering aside, I slept in after faling asleep with Elementary on. The two main characters sooth me in some deep ways. The isolated critical thinker and the stoic empath make for such a desirable paring, for me at least. I am both, more one than the other at times, but still, two different loners keeping each other company in this life has always been a hopeful dream for me in my loneliness.

So waking 10:00 AM and laying in bed falling back to sleep and waking several more times, remembering deep dreams vaguely, feeling more tired and more refreshed each time, finally getting out of bed near 1:00 PM to empty the by-products of life in this body and then shower... writing, waking up wanting to write. That is a wonderful feeling and very positive sign of life. Look around, the words are out there.

Maybe I ought to re-birth the running table of contents... in case it matters.

Running, yes, that too.

Narf :)

I Wonder What Matters

I know it matters, from the illusions to the delusions (there's a link for that but I will find it another time), everything matters.

I wonder what matters to you.

December

It was always a different month, December, even before it was named December, it was a different time of year, even before there were years... oh, how the philosophers giggle and sing. It was a day like many other days, mostly desk work because there is so much paper to process and data to enter when monitoring people and processes for safety. So many spreadsheets to crunch and reports to review and summarize in other brief reports because the higher you get in an organization, the less you want to read, the less time you actually want to put into any task on the premise that you have so many more tasks to review and monitor and make decisions about... the higher you go, the less you do.

Still, there is a purpose for leaders and for leadership (besides sophomoric incendiary tweeting, decision making is a solitary task at times. Having experienced the top administrative level as well as the grunt work that actually gets jobs done, I am happy settled in the middle now. Financially crunched more than ever before, but if I can save $10,000 a year, I might not end up on the streets in the end (still say I will, but then, that depends on who I spend the end with, if anyone... alone, the streets are the most economical way to live and barring some unplanned influx of wealth, I have lived this life as a refugee and shall rest easy knowing I gae it all away, or at least as much as I could).

In case it matters.

The evening included a run to a bank to pay rent and the usual bodily functions and daily living tasks which of course includes eating. Unfortunately, I pushed well over a thousand calories into me last night, including simple carbs and meat fats, so the renewed health diet crashed somewhat on the fifth day and tomorrow dinner plans will make it challenging to continue, however I am sensing a desire to feel closer to physically optimal again (as optimal as it gets in this aging and ill body), so there is hope.

There is always hope.

Narf :)

The Eve

I'm here partly to let you know that you shouldn't let yesterday's entry raise your blood pressure or increase any stress, in case it did, you know, in case it matters. The body has to adjust to the change in diet. I've decided to start the supplements again, apple cider vinegar, cinnamon and chromium, raw potato starch, and I added fenugreek to the mix. It was just sitting there on the shelf as I was looking for the apple cider vinegar. Stopping because I wanted to see if my skin issue was being caused by the supplements is over. Dropping eight is a priority now. Tomorrow I see lab results and expect the weight gain to reflect poorly on the lab values. Cutting out fats, breads, cakes, most carbs, almost anything with unnecessary calories. Chicken, salmon, tuna, clams, shrimp, and veggies. After a few weeks I'll add some fruit and maybe, once a week, some pasta and cheese. This is a good week for change.

The title has so much meaning it could take a year to figure out how to explain it... maybe longer.

The deepest deeps, the highest highs, life... and so it goes.

Narf :)

Body Phew

I have not maintained contact with my own body blog (and linking it here should get me to update, eventually) where I had this idea of keeping in touch with this body and this morning, instead of updating and getting more in touch with the body which would have been wise since I almost collapsed after work last night but went to sleep and slept almost 10 hours instead), I spent an hour and a half (at least) being distracted by this girl.

Time to go to work now.

Narf :)

Straight To Bed

A long day out of the office. Inspecting a citizen's home to see if the damage claimed was legitimate. After that I checked a few parks, spoke to park directors, did some shopping. A full day of driving around. I finally caved in and ate food, the Chinese buffet for dinner. I barely made it to the bathroom. Typical reaction after a Chinese buffet after a few day fast. Just faster than usual lol, pun intended. I was wonky and washed quickly and laid down. Was asleep within minutes and slept though more than ten hours until morning (which will be tomorrow... I'm psychic, obviously) and the next entry.

Changing diets suddenly takes it's toll.

Narf :)

Weekly Work and Softball, Weakly

The work was, as usual, full of enjoyable tasks. A full day at the office, again. Not good for the rash, too much sitting still, but things need to get done. Databases, reports, monitoring... safety officer stuff happens on the computer too. After work, softball. Two games, two loses, we finish the season without a win. The second game was close, 13-12, but the other team was toying with us until the last inning when they scored eleven runs. Ridiculous coaching and even with him paying for everyone, only six of the original eighteen people showed up to play. Two more showed up who were added mid-season. We still had to pick up a player so we wouldn't forfeit. Ridiculous, but free. I hung out to watch a friend's team play the last game - upper division, they won. I don't want to play upper division anymore. At least Monday's team ad a good season finishing second to a team that blew everyone out. I may have mentioned that.

I stopped eating Sunday night. Fasts begin suddenly like that. Be careful this time.

Feel free to care and let me know I'm not alone cuz...

Narf :)

Not Pasta Day

Well, there is hope this will not be a pasta day. It's been about 48 hours since I ate, 48 hours zero calories. Eating tonight would not be wise for the weight loss program that has not actually begun, at least not intentionally. It'll take months. One day at a time. Maybe some chicken and veggies and soup. It was a typical day at work, all desk work, but typical. I was going to go shopping tonight, but I got back here and Eb was blocking the way again playing the video game. I'm not even sure if he went to work, the addiction is constant. I needed the bathroom and did not feel like getting dressed again. So on went the TV and here I sit.

Turning the corner (actually doing a 180) is not easy, but sometimes it is the only way.

Past a day, get it? lol.

Narf :)

Past a Day

Not lost, but past. Watched TV and rested and listened to Eb play a video game, a war game without end that he has been playing non-stop since he bought it last week. Addiction to war and death is so not like his personality, but it just goes to show even the gentlest most timid humans crave war and killing. It is a very unhealthy environment in even more ways now, but the good news, for me at least, is I am almost completely unaffected. I think I will not eat tonight. I did not eat today. It may be time for a fast. The last one put me in the hospital, almost hurt me, but I played softball without in 95 sun on a 100+ degree field without replenishing enough electrolytes. Tomorrow I have two softball games scheduled in the cool evening, though the last three games were forfeited which doe not bode well for tomorrow night.

Still, the will power must be nurtured as it is trying to be reborn.

Be careful.

Narf... :)

Local Fun

Today's scavenger hunt was fun. Met new people, a few old friends, maybe I'll see them again. The best thing about it was that it was local. Unfortunately, they are all drinkers. Laundry is spinning and food is heating up and I am spending a relaxing Saturday night here. Eb is gued to his new Xbox One. The living room is still blocked so I have to keep stepping over his stuff to get out the door and back inside, but he finally moved to a chair directly in front of the TV so I dont have to ask him to pause when I pass.

FYI - I may not have internet after November 30. Eb does not want to pay $70 for it. If I have no more internet here I will send check email and upload writings from work and the motivation to get out of here will be much more powerful as I will have no TV to distract me from this unhealthy living environment. Silver linings are good. He's still a very nice non-intrusive guy and I am still a few short blocks from work and nothing (room, house, or roommate) is appearing in my searching, so we shall see :)

Still having fun, even without the one. :)

So how was your day? :)

Narf :)

Sleep, Shower, Application

Wrote the detailed entry for last night after waking and showering. Another day waking after noon. A shorter shower than I'd have liked, but Eb is very water-usage conscious these days because the last water bill somehow showed usage increased by 250% which makes no sense unless I really was showering, doing laundry, and washing dishes a whole lot less before last month. That is possible. That is not healthy or moving in or living here comfortable, but it is possible. He seldom showers, does laundry, or washes dishes - very unsanitary. I expect the water bill to be high again this month because I am increased my sanitary habits. Not where I'd like the, but better than the minimal I was doing to try to acclimate to his home. I applied extra cream to the buttocks because the rash itched more after sitting in the hard theatre seats and only showering once yesterday. Too much detail for this brief daily blog? You should see what the blog meant for the dirt, drama, and details shares. If you are not laughing, you really ought to ask yourself why you are here.

You're welcome, in any case. Time to head out to a scavenger hunt. Have fun today.

Narf :)

Wonderful Show

And so it was... Love Never Dies was excellent. I felt like I had seen it before, but I believe the cast said this was the first touring production so I apparently didn't. It was a fitting sequel to a great show. For the love of music. For the love of love. I showered after writing most of the day and then headed to Izzy's place. She drove and we parked and walked t the Dr. Phillip's Center and then hiked up four flights to the top balcony. The acoustics were a major disappointment. This was supposed to be the replacement venue, state of the art. Fail. The show, however, was state of the art. See it if you can.

Stopped for food on the way home and so there is food in the fridge now. Watched TV most of the night. Fun

Hope you are having fun too.

Narf :)

And I Did It Again

It being adding to me massive missives on the Diaryland. You had to be there. Don't fret, you still can be. It'll just take you time. And a lot of reading. Meanwhile, besides babbling on after returning back here last night and continuing after waking today (I think I woke about 2:00 PM... yeah, when I sleep in, I do it right), I showered. That's right, all I've done so far today is write and shower. A wonderful day off, from my perspective. You can read the diaryland entry and see if it's as wonderful for you. Be forewarned though, especially if you think you know me offline, I am throwing caution to the wind more often and not editing out my thoughts and feelings about real life and the real people in it. I figure those who care will know I mean no harm and am simply leaving my mark on the world without inhibition and those who don't, well, sad they may leave but that is life. If you wanna leave, take good care.

I've gotta be me, after all. Someday we'll all understand. I suppose I forgot to thank Dan, Walter, Melissa, Cat, and so many others in that entry.

Enjoy your day. Hope you keep in touch.

Narf :)

We Are All Broken Here

I wonder (deeper here) if I know anyone who is not broken inside. Maybe I don't. Of the people I call friends who are within thirty minutes of where I live, there is no potential running partner. There is no potential exercise and sports partner. There is no potential intimate. There is no one who can fulfill my mind or heart or anima. Am I too broken to attract anyone who can help me heal? Misery does not like company in my mind.

Wow, this is not the usual fare here, in case it matters. The dinner was typical Thanksgiving food, not my favorite, but good. The company was mixed and sad. I may be moving a bit closer to Izzy as she enjoys shows so we are going to see Love Never Dies tomorrow. I don't know her well enough to have already shared how I relate to love and relationships and people, no less the Phantom story or music, but perhaps we will share and bond a bit more tomorrow. I certainly would like a new close friend who can share a serious conversation. Can she understand me?

There's always hope.

Narf :)

Thanks Again

Today is a bipolar day for me as this holiday and my knowledge and experience is in opposition. I try to be positive and am happy when I find some reality that helps me point out how challenging that is when aware. Facebook has it's dual edged sword when I seek one. Still, I am thankful today and every day (and nights too) for the life I experience cuz life is wondrous. Today the phone has been calling me a lot and it is good to have some well wishes there. I wrote letters and relaxed all day and soon will be heading to a friendsgiving dinner. Rolls and butter are my contribution so far. Hope you are enjoying your day.

Narf :)

Again, AM

12:04, to be precise, but let that not deprive yesterday of this entry as it was a very long day of fun and exercise and food and writing and football and softball and more food and more writing. I just wrote two letters to two new pen pals and hopefully the correspondence will continue. I should keep track like I used to for I can count on easily losing track, getting lost, and forgetting who is who if I don't. Maybe tomorrow, evening, late.

Sleepy now.

Where Are You Now?

Who me? I'm right here on my writing soapbox as I almost always am. Sometimes closer to "Real Time" and sometimes just filling in dates with whatever comes to mind whether it is actually daily life events or some odd random thought that passes through my head with or without point or reason. I've been listening to Beatles talk recently and reminiscing about musical experiences big and small and missing that a whole lot, but not sadly, very joyfully (for a change). I love my laments but also love my memories and dreams and it is wonderful when they come without the longing, when focus is on what was and what is rather than what was is is missing, ya know? John's (Lennon) voice and mind easily brings me back there, as does Harry's (Chapin). Maybe it's the time of year lol lam. Mostly, it's hope, gotta love hope :)

It is time to shower and head out to lunch with Helen and friends and then to softball and then, nothing planned. I may come back ere and give myself some me time as most Saturday nights lately have been out with others. Last night was a fun night out with others so it seems fair and the social longing is pretty low for the moment. Not that the infinite desire for the one ever wanes, but it's such a positive feeling today... who knows, maybe she's waiting at the restaurant at the table next to us... I mean, she has to love seafood and buffets, right? lol. :)

I hope your day is smiling as much as mine :)

Narf :)

After Midnight

It is, actually, an hour after midnight in spite of what the time date stamps says. Dinner, games, party, and a movie on a Friday night really starts the weekend off full of fun and gives it a sense of endurance, as if the weekend is longer than it usually is... I've already had enough fun and stimulation and socialization to make life rewarding and satisfying and fun and happy. Alone again after the party, lonely, yes, but no feeling of sadness or depression at all. Just a whole lotta joy to the world (and amusing silly shaking) going on. Wonderful way to end the work week.

Another accident interrupted an otherwise quiet day and once again, our driver was not at fault and most importantly, no one was seriously hurt. I went out to reassure everyone they were doing the right thing (following policies and documenting everything appropriately). Back here to eat lunch and relax a bit (the reason I am still here, the convenience of being able to stop in my room and bathroom and shower if I need to), then back to the office. After work Tinman's daughter's birthday party at a pizza and games place then Murder On The Orient Express, a rare trip to the movies. I miss movies. Back here to summarize here.

Before I conclude, I feel fat. Not bloated, fat.

Just need to document that.

Narf.

Drowning In Food

The food junkie continues can after can. The belly bloats, I'm a fat man. Write a song about the fool. Somebody will think it's cool. Even suicide is cool. I mean, in case it matters. This seems to be the theme song these days and stealing time from sleep to write about it doesn't help at all. Still, work is a rewarding pleasure and after work is a TV escape. Even in all caps for some database ind of reason, the lineup fills the week... NCIS: LA, DISCOVERY, WISDOM OF THE CROWD, SCORPION, NCIS, NCIS: NO, BULL, CRIMINAL MINDS, SALVATION, BIG BANG, YOUNG SHELDON, MACGYVER, CHANCE, BLINDSPOT, ORVILLE, and more when more returns (you've been here, right?). Did you ever wonder why I continue here? Anybody? Bueller?

I think I'm gonna miss you for a long long time.

If only calgon was here to take me away...

Narf :)

One More Day (and Night)

Birthdays like Xmas and I'm Tiny Tim (which one of you could understand him?)... I want the Beatles to come back again. Meanwhile, I did the work day thing with due diligence and minimal fanfare and I wouldn't ask for more there, but then back out in the world alone I long for the dream, for the hope, for the love... will I ever fall in love again, I wonder. Will anyone ever fall in love with me? Wonder like thunder, where is the lightening? The neck is sore. Blood pressure high. Ear is screaming. Body needs sleep. Heart needs love. Heart needs love. Buried in fat, losing the race, lost in the mind, nowhere, no place, does it all show n my face?

Hopefully I'll stop the suicide before it's too late.

Doesn't anybody want to listen to my story? So tired. Help! (the Beatles understood). Yesterday.


Happy Birthday Barb... Happy Birthday Ray
Happy Birthday Every One

Narf. :)

Somewhere In Between

Sometimes surprises are fun. When my own writing surprises me, that's wonderful. What you might see in yet another letter to yet another new potential friend could be something that has nothing to do with me or anything I might have intended to communicate or it might be something autobiographical even if you are not aware of it or something else entirely or partially or minimally or not at all or somewhere in between.

Another fine day at work and then, headed to dinner and a meeting with the ratings committee at a restaurant. Yummy, and the assistant commissioner of the league paid. Bribery? Generosity? Both? Well, the world still whirls around. After dinner I went to eat at Taco Bell. That's right, I gave into the craving. Fool, bloated fool. I'm probably up to 230 pounds. Don't remember being this big. Fool, stupid fool.

So why am I so happy?

Narf :)

Turn Around Softball

I know, it was a work day and it was another good work day as I spent the morning doing some desk work and spent the afternoon driving around checking out parks and who knows what (there's a list somewhere on my desk, but this blog is not about work reports, at least not today) and enjoyed the day. Loving a job is such a blessing. Hope I keep this one lol (not funny, fool lam). After work I headed to softball and we played the second place team and it was a really good game and we ended up winning, a big surprise, and so after starting out 0-4 we finished the season 6-4 in third place and we will place the second place team (same team again) next week in the playoffs. Hopefully we will play as well as we did this week.

So how was your Monday the 13th?

Narf :)

Demolition Softball

Well, the win-less streak continues as I headed to softball and we lost two more games big. The team is that unskilled. They seem to have fun though, so I'll keep trying to help them learn. I am so much more at peace and happier and satisfied and feeling rewarded and appreciated than I ever was on the team I gave all the blood, sweat, tears, and years to. They can have the drama (and they certainly do) and I'll enjoy the new experience of carefree fun.

After softball I drove around a bit because Eb was having a group of people over to watch football and eat and I wanted to give him some space. I spoke to a couple of friends and then got back about 5:30 and nobody was here. Apparently plans changed. I listened to some football until he switched to another station and then watched TV in my room while vegetating or maybe I wrote a thing or two.

Fun and aimless weekend. Just like some of them should be.

Narf :)

Sataday Attaday

One of those lost Saturdays, I think, if I recall, remember? I woke before noon and headed down to Helen's to help her with something. Some house thing. No, I picked her up at her car dealer and then we went to lunch and then we went to her house and we hung out watching skating because she loves skating and then took her and he mom shopping because her car was not ready and my softball games were re-cancelled (another story) so I shopped too and have a stack of canned foods and then... I think I headed to Harpo's place and played games and some people stopped by and played games and then... back here to sleep.

Or something like that.

Narf :)

Friday Night Pig-Out

So I slept in on my day off for Veteran's Day and spent the afternoon adding articles and images to my Facebook pages after a friend asked me to check my FB because he has a couple of parties planned over the next few months and so does another friend of ours so now I have six new parties on my calendar and then, food. The pig-out was take out from a Korean place that gets rave reviews from locals and I am beginning to think this area has a whole lot of people with very inexperienced pallets and limited knowledge of how delicious food can be. Poverty and the location experience really do provide such a different perspective on everything. Anyway, the food was good,just not rave-worthy.

There's another meal in the fridge for another day and delicious chocolate chop cookies were for dessert. The evening is watching Salvation. I took a shot and the subject matter interests me but we shall see whether the stereotypical religious zealots and black ops crap dominates the story, instead of the science and reality of astronomical phenomenon.

So how was your day?

Narf :)

Thursday Night Cravings

Six cans of soup, a can of chicken, two cans of salmon, and a can of clams. Dinner. The evening passes with some TV. Catching up on the week's CBS shows on what is a terrible streaming website (yes you, CBS), but you do have shows I have become accustomed to watching which probably calls for an entry in background tv but for the moment, have you seen the new Star Trek? A great day at work, again, just doing my safety thing by making friends and influencing people, naturally. Some days I do so many things that I don't remember what I did. Critiquing an Incident Review Committee report including statements, transcripts, policies, procedures, and more from he Fire Department so my boss can present our concerns to the County Manager took up several hours. The other three people in the department went to lunch with the TPA (third party administrator for our insurance fund) and I held down the fort... so I left work a little early and we're back to dinner time and evening TV again. Suddenly, a craving for snacks rose up from somewhere so powerful that I was dressed and at the local 7-11 (the only think open late at night around here) and yummied down some Ben & Jerry's chocolate chip cookie doe, chocolate and vanilla zingers and crispy M & Ms. Te land of the free, the home of the brave, dontcha know. lol :)

Self-indulgence is not always egocentric... until you blog it lol lam :)

Narf :)

Busy Day, Wasted Night

Heading out to a meeting that didn't happen in the morning, I decided it was a cool enough morning to make a tour of some parks so I did. Before I could get to a third park, I was called about a landfill truck in an accident overturning in a ditch. So I headed there and four hours later, everything was safe on the rad again. A pick up truck ran a stop sign and collided with our truck. The pick up driver received a citation. No major injuries. After that I missed an afternoon meeting so I visited a few more parks and then headed back to the office for some paperwork. a quick dinner and then softball. Three of our batters got up, I didn't even touch a bat. Game over 21-0 in one and a half innings. Well over a dozen errors. The six outs we were able to get included a pop up to me, a ground ball to me, and four fly balls to the outfield. It's free, the coach is paying, but I'd like to at least have reality set in because he thinks he and the team he put together is a lot better than they are. Our record is 0-6 and I doubt we'll win a game, but at least I'd like to get one at bat. Oh well, free. Except for the 30 minute drive each way.

Hungry now. Shhhhh.

Narf :)

Bouncing Tonight

Yes, the energy was high and the ball was moving and the team rallied round the third base coaching and we won. So often this happens, yet so often it is not perceived. Those aware and picking up on the vib know because they see it, feel it, and win. Energy is contageous. Too bad I don't have the kind I used to have more often. Age is a sour mistress lol and laughter helps put a smile on even her face. Don't blink, the ball might get past you. Or worse, but we won't go there cuz softball is so much fun.

Besides winning, the game is fun win or lose with the energy up. Friends are fun too. Everything if fun so I guess I am rising above the ashes like a phoenix... and I'm not even stones or in Frisco or driving.

Hug yourself, it feels good.

Narf :)

With Every Blog

Fewer readers. I had dozens of comments back when I came out of my original website and started this public babbling journey over on Diaryland. I had regular readers and commenters when I moved to Blogspot at first, but gradully I started another and then another and here we are. Nobody knows this blog is even her (go ahead, prove me wrong, you know it'll inspire an ear to ear grin) :)

I've said it many times in many ways here's one, human caring has its limits, which for me, makes it unreal. Love has no end, except in humanity. Maybe my pointing this out is why people don't hang around. Reality isn't what people want, unless it's fake reality injected with pretentious and staged drama on TV. That's how we got the reality star in the white house, dontcha know.

Anywyay, I had another great day at work and I'm about to head to softball.

Loneliness does not stop the fun. :)

Narf :)

There Is a Man In Romania (For Z0tl)

He is a good man. A wise man. A very creative man. A man I call friend. He was misunderstood by many because his words were cryptic because his mind spun too quickly for most people to follow. His perspectives were too unique for most people to understand. Most people rush right by anyone they do not understand. People who have a different perspective, throughout history, have been overlooked at best and executed at worst (unless being imprisoned or tortured for a lifetime can be considered worse than death). Most people fear a different perspective. The internet provided a way for the man, my friend, to share his unique perspectives. Profound wisdom and brilliance could be found in some of his entries online. I miss the words my friend used to write.

Today is my friends's birthday. I leave these words here in the hope that he finds them and feels the love and respect and fond memories I hold for him. I wish I could hug him and sing Happy Birthday to him in person. I sing it in my heart and mind here.

Happy Birthday Mikey :)

Miss you.

Just Once

I was so much more hopeful once. Even as recently as then, before and after this and all that falls between, there was so much hope. I believe more back then too. I need to get back to that, which, unfortunately means giving up on the present disappointments and looking ahead to what may still be cuz there's always hope, right? Letting go of believing in someone and accepting the trust was misplaced is always the hardest part. In case it matters. Well, there's always hope (I hope), so there is because I hope. I am not too far off. I think. Still. I know I still want to believe.

Yeah, I am still pretty incorrigible on that point.

Narf :)

What A Difference Some Sleep Makes

Yes sirree bob, sleep is such a restorative process, it's a wonder I don't do it more often. Functional sleep, say a few hours, that I do pretty much every day, but restorative sleep, sleep past eight hours, that is a rarity and today I wake so much more refreshed and euphoric than even my usual euphoria. It may have been a couple of months. I almost always come to the writing and mention it, so the records are online in these blogs, see for yourself. Having slept so many hours, I don't have time to research it myself as softball starts in two hours and laundry must be done and a shower must be had and tonight I shall attend a birthday party for an old friend at a local party place in my old stomping grounds (where I lived the first dozen years or so after returning to Florida).

Great timing for this sleep all around. Hope your euphoria is turned up high too. :)

Narf :)

Still

Still starting here, so much water under the bridge it carried the bridge away. Still too tired for serious babbling, still should be sleeping. Still backdating entries to not skip days, but still writing just after midnight more than any other time. Still eating too much and too much in the carb family with too much fat sauces. Pasta is cheap. Canned pasta is easy. Still loving the job even as it sucks more time out of my days than ever. Still seeking balance. Still in the ghetto, five shootings in five nights this week. Still in the dump with Eb and he's still as messy and unclean as ever. Worse in the bathroom lately as he's taken to peeing on the seat at least daily. The bleach sprayer is always at hand. No wonder he's alone. So what's my excuse?

Still dreaming more than doing, still waning in my belief in humanity, still trying to hang on to hope. Even if it's illusion. Still reaching out, however oddly. Still hoping you read, click on the links, and enjoy. Still hoping you let me know. Still here, even if...

Narf :)

Lights, Sirens, Action

Well, actually the action happened before the lights and sirens showed up. Gunfire in a backyard just across the street. One known dead, the police cordoned off the entire block which places one of the corner vehicles with flashing lights a few feet from the driveway. Good thing I took the safety car home and am heading in the opposite direction in the morning. Early. Eb is out at a movie, Thor. I sent some iphone video to a friend at one of the news stations. The TV has Star Trek on. Habit, I guess. I did watch some of my CBS shows before the shooting. I was supposed to get to sleep early tonight. I'm hungry. I ate oatmeal and yogurt for dinner. Then finished some snacks. A can of vegetable soup. Pretzles. It was a good day. In case it matters.

Narf. :)

Another Good Day (and Night)

Well, it's sort of night. Almost midnight, almost after even, according to the common words. Naturally, unnaturally, and with assistance I am awake and wired and even a bit giddy. If only you were here to enjoy the show. A full day of desk work, almost. Fifteen minutes of orientation, skipped lunch (and dinner, actually), sent a lot of emails, did research, sent more emails, got tech support to install a few things and give me access to a few other things, and assessed all the injury reports related to the Hurricane. Tomorrow I'll analyze. Naturally.

Then, softball. First, Eb complained that the water bill tripled. I didn't mention my rent money pays for it and everything else and there's more left over for him. So maybe my four sitz showers a day have used more water than I thought. I'm listening to Gilbert Godfried's Dirty Words, what do you expect. Anyway, softball. Hit the ball hard for a change with a borrowed bat. I need a lighter bat, finally. I pitched lights out. Struck out several. We won big. Then I hung out watching friends play. Chilled, and chilled (Temperature somewhere in the 50s and I was damp and only had a light jacket, so chilled chilled... get it now?). Then, back here to eat. Finally. Leftover KFC from yesterday. Hot from the over. Yum. Even more yum, chocolate. And we now see why I am awake and wired and a bit giddy. Amazing, huh?

Happy Halloween Eve.

Narf :)

Fun At The Fields

A long day at the softball fields, the backup fields where there is limited seating, no shade, one water fountain, a bathroom, and no other amenities. I did some additional ratings of players because our ratings system has a lot of flaws. perhaps we'll get it right next year. We played two games ad they had me pitch, not my choice ad the other pitcher was not thrilled, but coach said so. We lost both game. We have no hitting and even less fielding ability on the team. We average about two runs a game. We average giving up about 16 runs a game. Still, we have fun at the fields. I hung out to watch a few games and chat with friends and the field manager (there's work at the fields too). After softball I stopped for KFC, impulsively, and pigged out back here. A rare time I brought food back here to eat. I have to vacuum the carpet squares soon. Or spray bug spray. Actually, both. Then TV, email, penpal message, la lala. I miss sports, but I don't get sports on my internet TV.

That was the day.

Narf :)

Purpose

I've been on the web a long time. Writing, reading, sometimes communicating or at least interacting. I've left comments along the way, sometimes old and new as I am sometimes drawn back to a conversation even if it was just one way, even if it was not mine. All I can do is wave with the hope that somebody might wave back. This is one of the primary purposes in being out here on the web, leaving these words here for you, for anyone, for posterity.

In case it matters.

I write for many reasons, creative play, self-mockery, emo-processing, psych-analysis, distraction therapy, archives for posterity, and more. All that for myself and then, I put some words here for interaction and communication. I include links that are as random as they are meaningful, meaningful in the moment, random in the grand scheme of things. It is like a giant jigsaw puzzle, more information in more places than anyone can understand. I just keep trying to find a way to put enough pieces together in the hope someone might understand. It is beyond words, yet I try to use words. How else might I reach you?

Open to other ways and perhaps, you will find us there.

For now, we are here.

Narf :)

Used To Be

No matter how happy I am, and I am seriously good and happy (not good and plenty) inside and out (more in, I mean, just look at the world out there), it is still not like it used to be (and even that is not like it used to be, but it was a more shared time so it was a more ... ummmm, shared. I've relly been such a dufus the last couple of decades, maybe longer. Trying to fit in. Trying to be human. Trying to heal. Trying to remember a time before I started sleepwriting, when life was still alive. More alive, like it used to be. Wow, memories are long ago now.

Today was a usual day. Organized my office, accomplished some stuff, had fun doing it. Making more connections, getting more praise and appreciation, that feels good. Headed back here and made dinner, yummy soup again. I've had some sort of soup for the past four nights. Canned, but a mixture of five or six different canned soups and some cheeses and spices and a different yummy every night and not spending much money. Yummy, wise economically, patience, all feeling yummy good. Watching Chance now. Sick show, and I mean sick. Just what the doctor ordered for distraction in this cold cruel world. Like when I used to read Stephen King, but with weirdly logical twists. Stretching mentally, churning emotionally, physically satisfied, feeling alive. Fun.

I still have more fun than anyone I know, but fun is more fun when it's shared.

Narf :)

No Resonse

The world is non-responsive, does that mean it's dead? What I mean is... where is my Harry Chapin, My John Lennon, My Elton and Bernie and Billy and Justin and maybe, maybe I'm wrong... but the world does still whirl around. Overall, life is pretty wonderful these days. Other than some physical discomforts compounded by age and this cramped unclean living space and the nagging loneliness and the usual not enough time to explore all the possibilities and creativities, life has seldom been much better than it is right now.

But you wouldn't know that, would you?

Narf :)

4 AM Again

You could jump to the babbling blog to read the last five entries (the ones between the two linked here) to learn more, but suffice to say (or is it suffice it to say, huh) I am hungry for more than food... I am lonely. Lonely enough to want to do something about it so I am reaching out to a pen pal site for inspiration. Writing to people inspires me to believe in people which leads to my waning to trust someone which hopefully will motivate me to actually reach out to someone in the offline off paper world. We shall see if I overcome my disillusionment and cynicism about love and people and trust. There's always hope. :)

So I played softball, did laundry, watched football, wrote, relaxed, heated up food, and enjoyed the privacy of this space today. The Cubs lost, the Yankees lost, so I guess I'm rooting for the Dodgers now. UCF continued their undefeated season. Jackson sent a text apologizing for not texting for a while. J wrote. I wrote. The digestive system continued to be wonky. Life goes on.

How was your day and dreams?

Narf :)

Invisible

I could refer you elsewhere, maybe... in case it matters.

Foodie Come and Save Me

Another buffet, an American southern type, Helen loves them, I need to be in the mood for meat and potatoes and pasta and canned veggies. Overcooked at that. Hey, it was my idea to try the place because it was new. So the bloat continues to grow, the weight continues to rise, and the rest of the consequences of bloat and weight continue to increase as the body continues to deteriorate. I am a foodie, tried and true, I am a foodie, You? I am reaching the point where I am an out of control foodie who is in dire need of a kind gentle very very strong healthy foodie who appreciates food as much as I do but also has a very strong will power, self-discipline, body awareness and willingness (desire, even) to help me return to balance. Feel free to stop by and introduce yourself anytime. The sooner the better.

I also need to get to the batting cages post haste.

Feel free to care and help.

Narf :)

Yesterday

Yesterday I forgot my work ID at the office and did not get back to work in time to get back in the building before it auto-locked for the night so I did not have my computers for the first time in years and living where I live now, that left me without any stimuli, distraction, communication, or release other than the phone and I do not have people to talk to much these days so at first I was down and lonely and then I found myself motivated to do laundry and re-arrange and clean my room and then, as I laid down to sleep, I found myself tying emails to myself and others on my tiny iPhone 5 keypad. It was challenging, physically, to see the words and touch the right keys, especially as sleep came and went. Still, I found myself writing long into the night between naps like I did when I was a much younger babbler. All in all, I love the emotional aftermath (or is it residue?) before I even read any of what I wrote.

Today was a mostly paperwork day at work. After work, I drove to take some photos of debris piles (more work, but on my time in my car) and then met Tinman and his daughter for dinner at the old Chinese buffet which is at a low ebb in quality these days, but it is what it is and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger... or something like that. Eb is gone for a week, somewhat suddenly as he told me he was leaving next week. So I watch the Star Trek shows that are on every night and type these words. Alone. I'd rather be sharing, yet... I am as much as I can at the moment.

I am feeling it's a wonderful life, even alone.

Narf :)

So Much Drama

The co-ed softball league is such a strange world these days as it has become awash in drama and people who are... challenging to describe. They seem to want to win at all costs and if they lose they look for all sorts of reasons to blame anything or anyone but themselves and their own poor play. It is recreational co-ed softball, for crying out loud. Where has the fun gone? So one team walks off the field in the middle of the game because they are adults and they don't want to play with immature children. Like it's mature to say "I'm taking my ball and going home so nobody can play." That was their first loss on the season and they were playing for first place. They were way behind and could not accept the reality of actually losing a game I guess, so they forfeited. On other fields players with obvious skills that belong in upper divisions were mocking people because they were mistakenly laced in the lower division and could do whatever they wanted on the field. Bullies and hurt feelings and pissed off people seem to be everywhere these days. So do we blame Trump or continue blaming Obama? lol.

That was not a serious question folks, lighten up.

Narf :)

PTCF

That's Power Tripping Control Freak, in case you wondered. It seems my candor is pissing off more people than usual these days. One of the worst umpires in all the leagues I play in called time and threatened my team with a team out if I said one more word to piss him off. I told him if he could show me a rule that pertained to him being pissed off as grounds to penalize a team, then go right ahead and do it or let us get on having fun playing the game. He was pissed off because I was asking him to stop delaying the game with between inning conversations (including being on his cell phone) and for distracting players (which can be dangerous for inexperienced players) by talking to them while they were trying to concentrate on the game on the field.

We did not get penalized and after everyone laughed at him, we went on enjoying our game and he stayed quite except for making bad calls as if he was deliberately trying to provide my players. I simply told my players don't let his bad calls stop you from having fun and they listened to me and ignored him. A little man with a big ego who oversteps his authority has no power in a fun group.

We had fun in spite of him.

Narf. :)

Challenges Alone

The excitement is bound to return sooner or later, but for now, this shows the distraught. Where is the humor? Alas, another typical day at work. A few things went wrong, but all is well because I fixed them. Watching Somewhere Between once I got back to where I sleep. A roller coaster day. The body is still acting up with digestive foulness that has no affect (or effect) on my appetite, unfortunately. Eating emotionally doesn't help. Just feeling more alone than usual. A lot more. Challenges are much more challenging when alone. Don't give up on the dream, remember?

Narf like a sigh. :}

Super

I don't want to be superficial... it's just a bit challenging to get started again because the why is not public information so... moving right along... another work day, still loving the work even though I am still getting more tired and the body is still getting more ailments and not having the time to do all I could do to fix them is frustrating but playing softball five days a week certainly is contributing to the increasing fatigue... suddenly seeking more inspiration as conscious awareness of loneliness has been rising the last few weeks, at least... so step right up, read all about it, I'll get the words out as soon as I can... love me?

Just when I thought I might be back. Right? Yes, so the CBS shows I watch are back so I have shows to watch again... and I've been eating myself stupid again... fat... will power out the window... who cares... nobody outside of my head and the internal caring about me has been turned off temporarily... at least I hope it's just temporarily... I say that every time.

Ok, so that's the daily life. Today. Have fun out there. I'll be waiting.

Narf :)

Back To Life

Sadly, I must accept that many are gone (so many more in their own private gardens that have not breathed in my ear in decades) and even sadder, some who are not gone would rather be gone and forgotten. I am so very sorry it hurts to be here with me and I shall do my best to be as obscure as I can be - but love is the opening door... I'll leave you out of it as challenging as that may be when I just want to shout from rooftops thank you for being, for caring, for inspiring me to believe in love and continue nurturing what little hope I have left that y dreams really can come true in this life. Shhhh, I am trying to understand and hoping my maze obscures my defiance enough to continue living my dream of sharing everything with respect for privacy. If this is a baffling entry, then I may have succeeded. My hope is you are amused at the lengths I will take to compromise even as it may drive us to madness (gleefully, I hope).

This is for all of you who do not wish to be any part of my written gardens. I still love you, even if you do not want me to say so here. I still find, to my delight and chagrin, that I cannot, dare not, will not leave the dream behind. Even if it is all just an illusion.

As If Time Stood Still

I continue as if there was no pause, as if there was no silent depression in the otherwise rambling road. Sometimes I even fill in the holes and let it appear I was never gone. Like silent friends who were there all along. Even when the dirt, drama, and details go unrecorded, like life, there is still something burning somewhere, and i know you care Z0tl, Persnickety, J, and what the heck, as I throw caution to the wind of late, I reach out to you through search engines thusly, http://dashensia.blogspot.com/ http://z0tl.diaryland.com/ http://anna-lys.blogspot.com/ http://nebulous615.diaryland.com/ http://mcearstix.diaryland.com/ http://quasar9.blogspot.com/ https://myspace.com/3ig http://smashthegas.diaryland.com/ http://dandydandy.diaryland.com/ http://annie-m-s-b.diaryland.com/ http://nicim.diaryland.com/ http://the-moo.diaryland.com/ http://cutething.diaryland.com/ http://thrutheseis.blogspot.com/ http://clarity25.blogspot.com/ http://pcfulchaos.diaryland.com/ http://obsidiabuttrfly.livejournal.com/ http://z0tl.blogspot.com/ http://geeked-out.diaryland.com/ http://smedindy.diaryland.com/ http://jesbohn.diaryland.com/ http://hissandtell.diaryland.com/ http://thereisnospace.blogspot.com/2016/11/ramblings_2.html/ http://www.coyotethunder.com/RedMonkey/ http://doinitmyownway46collage.blogspot.com/ http://dalyrical1.diaryland.com/ http://rebeckajane.blogspot.com/ https://rhetroric.blogspot.com/ http://muse-of-the-phoenix.blogspot.com/ http://thenervousbreakdown.com/author/zoe/ http://for-you-only.diaryland.com/ http://f-i-n.diaryland.com/ http://augustdreams.diaryland.com/ http://eco-chican.blogspot.com/ http://candoor.net/bios/ http://fortheloveowords.blogspot.com/ http://jettingthroughlife.blogspot.com/ http://candor.tumblr.com/ http://www.catwithapen.com/ https://thelastdreamer.deviantart.com/ http://candoor.net/ http://galacticsouth.blogspot.com/ http://museartspot.blogspot.com http://thevidme.blogspot.com https://pernickety.deviantart.com http://theseblogginglives.blogspot.com and dozens more (remember the right side of this {not to mention the left side of right} and explore yourself... cuz I'm sneaky like that).

What about life?

Narf :)

Seriously?

Nothing?

Well, there was this, but then, there were a lot of things once upon a time, ya know?

In case it matters.

Narf. :)

Used To Be

Seems lately I am not as interested in pretending you are interested as I used to be.

Life goes on... and so it goes.

Narf.

Wow

Like as if. Might as well post this entry now...

If this entry posted, it means I forgot I had an entry scheduled for today which means I left this blog and possibly this blogger site (or am simply not paying attention). It could mean I died, so call if you want to know. My number is many places in my online world and other relatively easy to find places if you just look around and/or have clicked on links throughout my written gardens.

I hope you are well and happy and loving the life you create for yourself each day. I hope you sleep peacefully when you sleep and feel wonderfully wonder-filled when you are awake. I hope your dreams come true (if they haven't already) and I hope to see you again.

There's always hope (I hope). :)

Narf :)

After disappearing fr weeks without explanation, it ppeared no one noticed. So I felt alone and sad. So I thought... might as well post this entry now... the entry above.

I'm not dead yet though, but at least we know I'm ready.

Tired, sad, lonely, but definitely ready.

It is good to be ready.

Narf.

24 Hour Days

My relief (my boss, the back up Safety Officer for the EOC) is sick so I am covering the EOC 24/7 with short cat naps when I need them. Next time I bring an air mattress. This is going to be a long week. The County was hit hard. There are roads out and bridges out and many trees down. The flooding has hit most communities with some communities under several feet of water. In this smart phone age we have videos from people's living rooms, people standing in four feet of water in their homes, coming in emails and text messages. Clean up will take months, at least.

It could have been worse.

Narf :)